If like me you could only manage three and half minutes of the coronation before reaching for the emergency sherry then you're in good company. Here I answer the question on everyone's lips - 'is King Prince Charles genetically closer to a lizard or a cucumber?' Once that's been answered (and trust me, it isn't) I swerve into some ramblings on the value of kindness at the end of a relationship. Sure, you know a lot of things that could hurt you ex-partner but do you really need to say them on your way out the door?

Ever had that moment when you realise the barmaid isn't just smiling at you because she's paid to? Maybe she really likes you and you want to brave enough to ask her what time she knocks off? Well, here's how I deal with that situation with 100% repeatable results. Also, I rant a bit about people's attitude towards electronically enhanced companions - and their knockers!

What better way to start the new year than with a run to the shops? Ideally sans a panic attack. Here I mostly chat about things I didn't realise I was bad at primarily because of hangovers.

Final episode of season 1: Everyone knows they can be their own worst critic - but does that mean cruellest or simply the least capable of judging? I muse about my musical progress and why it took me so long to understand that I was, and probably still am, my biggest hurdle.

Six weeks of sobriety and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have no idea what to do with my spare time. In other news I use some time up reminiscing about the pornography of my youth.

That tricky fourth episode. You might not think sex robots are a big issue in your future, but I disagree. I believe they will change our civilisation more than any other single technological development in the next 20 years, and unlike last century's big deal - the microwave - you're meant to put your willy in them.

Is there anything more divisive in this world than a firework? Let's see who's put a rocket up who this 5th November. In other news it seems like it's still fair game to keep women down in historical drama where many other oppressed groups get off lightly.