Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki (H.H. Munro)

When the Christmas rush takes shoppers off to the big city, how do you get them to stick to the local shops?

A lovely tale of viral marketing!

[Saki was often way ahead of his time!]

Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson

Sound and mastering by Julie Hoverson

Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.

************************************************

Quail Seed

Cast:

• Announcer
• Scarrick, shopkeeper (M50s)
• Jimmy, Assistant (M20s)
• Lucy, Jimmy's girl (F20s)
• Boy (M20s)
• Man/Beard (M30s)
• Miss Fritten (F30s)
• Greyes (F30s)
• Gordon (F30s)
• Miss Jones (F30s)
• Miss Smith (F30s)
• Gloria (F20s)
• Lipping (F30s)

 

SAKI OPENING

MUSIC

 

SCENE 1.    SCARRICK'S SUNDRIES (SHOP)

SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

LUCY    Hello?  Helloooo?

JIMMY    [close]  Morning, Lucy!

LUCY    [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn’t it?

JIMMY    [heavy sigh] A bit.

LUCY    But where are all the Christmas shoppers?

JIMMY    Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off. 

LUCY    Oh!

JIMMY    It's all right, he's out at the moment.

LUCY    [impressed] He left you in charge?

JIMMY    [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services.

LUCY    That bad, eh?

JIMMY    Yeah.  Quite.

SOUND    DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

MISS SMITH    Hello?

SOUND    QUICK STEPS

JIMMY    Yes?  How may I assist you?

MISS SMITH    [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off]

JIMMY    Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week.

MISS SMITH    Ah.  Thank you.

SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR

LUCY    You might have made a sale!

JIMMY    She just wanted to look.

LUCY    You don't know that.

JIMMY    [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience--

SOUND    DOOR BELL

MISS JONES    Hello?

JIMMY    ...and that's five.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 2.    PUB

SCARRICK    The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses.

SOUND    POURING DRINK

SCARRICK    These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale-- reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what.

BOY    [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects.

SCARRICK    And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes.

MAN    Seems like quite a trip for sugar.

SCARRICK    With the big Christmas stock we've got in, we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work.  But as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before.

BOY    I'm sure he'll be fine.

SCARRICK    [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas.

MAN    [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm?

MUSIC

 

SCENE 3.    SCARRICK'S

SOUND    SHOP DOOR, BELL

MRS. GREYES    --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do?

MISS FRITTEN    We shall simply wait for the next-- 

SCARRICK    May I help you ladies?

MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- um, about--

MISS FRITTEN    Bootlaces. 

MRS. GREYES    Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some--

SCARRICK    [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back.

MRS. GREYES    Oh, yes, of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots!

MISS FRITTEN    At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to--

MRS. GREYES    Shh!

SCARRICK    Finding everything?

MRS. GREYES    Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for.

MISS FRITTEN    Just lovely!

SCARRICK    Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop.

MRS. GREYES    Oh?

SCARRICK    I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'.

MISS FRITTEN    [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely.

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY

SCARRICK    What?

SOUND    ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER

SCARRICK    [excusing himself] Your pardon.

SOUND    SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER

MRS. GREYES    [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here.

MISS FRITTEN    But I'm in my best hat!

MRS. GREYES    Shh! Shh!  Look at that!

MISS FRITTEN    What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks!

MRS. GREYES    And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights!

SOUND    CLANG

BOY    [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed.

MISS FRITTEN    What's the bowl for?

MRS. GREYES    To carry the pomegranates?

MISS FRITTEN    Why not a string bag?

MRS. GREYES    Allergies?  Shh!

SCARRICK    [business as usual]  Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates.

MISS FRITTEN    He doesn't even look surprised!

MRS. GREYES    The boy must have been here before.

SOUND    COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT

BOY    The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases.

SCARRICK    [formal and serious] As you wish. 

SOUND    BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS

SOUND    SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET

MISS FRITTEN    [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy?

SCARRICK    [final]  A foreigner, I believe.

MRS. GREYES    Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year.

SCARRICK    It takes all sorts.

SOUND    DOOR OPENS

SOUND    HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS

MISS FRITTEN    [gasp]

MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on!

SOUND    THEY SKITTER AWAY

MAN    [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have.

SCARRICK    [wary] Certainly sir.

MRS. GREYES    Look at that beard!

MISS FRITTEN    Like a comedy Russian.

MRS. GREYES    No, more like an ancient Assyrian.

MAN    [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates?

SCARRICK    Can't say that I've seen anyone like that.

MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [muffles self]

MISS FRITTEN    [whispered]  How could he!

SCARRICK    [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them.

MAN    My servant will fetch the coffee, as usual.

SOUND    COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP

MAN    [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed?

SCARRICK    [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it.

GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp]

SOUND    FEET WALK AWAY

MRS. GREYES    [whispered] What will he deny next?

MISS FRITTEN    And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola.

SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

MRS. GREYES    Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's

MISS FRITTEN     Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 4.    TEA

MISS FRITTEN    [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim.

MRS. LIPPING    Do Satraps prorogue?

MISS FRITTEN    [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't?

GLORIA    I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance?

MISS FRITTEN    It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory?

MRS. GORDON    And the boy?

MRS. GREYES    I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard--

MRS. LIPPING    They could have been unrelated.

MISS FRITTEN    Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot.

MRS. GREYES    What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer!

GLORIA    I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before!

MRS. GREYES    It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian.

MRS. GORDON    [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 5.    SCARRICK'S

SOUND    DOOR, BELL

SOUND    BROOM

LUCY    Jimmy?

JIMMY    Yeah.  Here.

LUCY    Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down.

JIMMY    Fabulous, isn't it?

LUCY    But, what happened?

JIMMY    This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers. 

LUCY    Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon?

JIMMY    [overly innocent] Whomever do you refer to?

LUCY    Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard. 

JIMMY    Sounds a bit like a music hall act.

LUCY    [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does....

MUSIC

 

SCENE 6.    SCARRICK'S

[MANY CUSTOMERS]

MISS SMITH    Is this the freshest jar of pickles?

JIMMY    Miss?  I suppose so.

MISS SMITH    It looks a bit dusty.

JIMMY    That would be my fault--

SCARRICK    [commanding] Jimmy!

JIMMY    So sorry, must jump.

MISS FRITTEN    [whispered]  Do you think they will return?

MRS. GREYES    I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen.

MISS FRITTEN    But why should they come all this way to shop?

MRS. GREYES    [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed. 

MISS FRITTEN    [getting it] Ah!

SOUND    REGISTER NOISE

SCARRICK    That will be three shillings and four pence.

SOUND    COINS

MRS. LIPPING    I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any, any‑‑

SOUND    GENERAL HUSH

MRS. LIPPING    [nervous] --any, um--

SCARRICK    [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey.

MRS. LIPPING    Yes, anything.

SOUND    JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER

SOUND    JABBER BEGINS AGAIN

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY.

SILENCE

SOUND    BOY WALKS IN.

SOUND    BOWL SET DOWN.

SCARRICK    [normal]  What can I get for you today?

BOY    I require a pound of honey.

SOUND    BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER

BOY    and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed.

SOUND    GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED

SCARRICK    Very good, sir.

SOUND    CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING

MISS FRITTEN    [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights.

MRS. GREYES    Hush! Listen!

SOUND    THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE.

SOUND    QUICK FOOTSTEPS

JIMMY    [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here.

BOY    [gasps]

SOUND    QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN.

SOUND    GASPS

SCARRICK    [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir?

MAN    A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva.

MISS FRITTEN    Halva?  What is that?

MRS. GREYES    It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is?

GLORIA    Who would want dates AND figs?

MRS. LIPPING    Hush.

SCARRICK    There you are. 

MAN    Hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes.

SOUND    COINS DROPPED

MAN    Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day?

GLORIA    [stifled squeak of excitement]

SOUND    [shushing all round]

SCARRICK    We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe.

SOUND    [gasps]

MRS. GREYES    [satisfied] Didn't we say?

MISS FRITTEN    It's too too terrible.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 7.    TEA

MRS. GREYES    It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock.

MISS FRITTEN    More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all.

MRS. GREYES    I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective.

MRS. LIPPING    I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne.

MISS FRITTEN     More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know.

GLORIA    [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue.

MRS. LIPPING    I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar.

GLORIA    I can’t imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable--

MISS FRITTEN    Honey and pomegranates - of course!!!

MUSIC

 

SCENE 8.    SCARRICK'S

SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET

SOUND    DOOR, BELL

JIMMY    [calling from off] Closed!

LUCY    I know, mutton head.

JIMMY    Oh, Lucy!

SOUND    BROOM DOWN, STEPS

LUCY    Another busy day?

JIMMY    The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp]

SOUND    KISS

LUCY    [laughing] I was here today, you know.

JIMMY    [uneasy] Oh?

LUCY    [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time.

JIMMY    [flustered] Well, I've got a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter.

LUCY    [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip?

JIMMY    You, Lucy?  I don’t think so.

LUCY    Quite a vote of confidence.

JIMMY    I didn’t mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip.

LUCY    Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help?

MUSIC

 

SCENE 9.    PUB

SCARRICK    It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva.

MAN    It looked crowded, but they were actually buying?

SCARRICK     They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger. 

BOY    "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing."

SCARRICK    Exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of "modest proportions" dawdled over them as though they had, uh--

MAN    Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to?

SCARRICK    [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 10.    SCARRICK'S STORE - BUSY

MISS FRITTEN    What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one the young gentleman carries?

MRS. GREYES    Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper.

MISS FRITTEN    Still, it's got a lovely patina.

MRS GORDON    Ducks?

SCARRICK    [distracted] Pardon?

MRS GORDON    Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and I was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice.

SCARRICK    I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp]

SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL

GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH

SCARRICK    You'll excuse me.

SOUND    BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM

MRS GORDON    oh!

SCARRICK    Sir? 

BOY    Yes?

SCARRICK    [overtly confidential]  I must warn you--

SOUND    [gasps]

SCARRICK    [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed.

BOY    [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must--

MRS GORDON    Oh no!

SOUND    SCUTTLING FEET

JIMMY    [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here.

BOY    [dramatic gasp]

SOUND    BOY RUNS

SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL

SOUND    OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS

MRS. GORDON     [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath.

MISS FRITTEN    [whispered] Watch the door!

SCARRICK    [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs?

MAN    I am looking for--

LUCY    [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think.

MAN    What?

MRS GREYES    [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake.

LUCY    Your Excellency does his shopping himself?

MAN    [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand.

MISS FRITTEN    [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all?

LUCY    I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh]

SOUND    HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL

MAN    [considering] Hmph. 

MRS. GORDON    [gasp]

MAN    You!

SCARRICK    [tense] Yes?

MAN    You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges?

GLORIA    [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑

BOY    No!

SOUND    RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL

MISS FRITTEN    [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him as he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference

SOUND    THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA

 

SCENE 11.    TEA

MRS GREYES    Overspread with ghastly pallor!

MRS. LIPPING    I would call it blazing with defiance.

GLORIA    How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified that his teeth chattered!

MRS. GORDON    I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National anthem.

MISS FRITTEN    But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror!

MRS GREYES    I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal seeking an outlet for escape.

GLORIA    He couldn't take his eyes off the door.

MRS GORDON    Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant?

MISS FRITTEN    I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 12.    SCARRICK'S STORE

LUCY    It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces.

JIMMY    [chuckles] You did a fabulous job.

LUCY    You like me in a veil?

JIMMY    I can think of a certain veil I'd like to see you in.

LUCY    [interested, pleased] Really?

JIMMY    Mm-hmm  [yes]

SOUND    KISS

MUSIC

 

SCENE 13.    PUB

SCARRICK    I can never thank you fellows enough.

MAN    We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs.

BOY    It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas'

MAN    You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good.

SCARRICK    What do I owe you?

MAN    No, no.  It was far too entertaining. 

BOY    We did get all those lovely pomegranates.

SCARRICK    At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard.

 

THE END