When one child needs the most, another child often learns to disappear.

In this conversation, I talk with licensed clinical social worker Bari Turkheimer about the siblings we don't talk about enough: non-autistic kids growing up alongside an autistic sibling. Bari explains why siblings can feel isolated, why the "easy kid" label can be misleading, and how autism psychoeducation can give siblings language for what they're living. We unpack the big emotions that show up in siblings, including embarrassment, jealousy, anger, and grief for the relationship they assumed they'd have—and why those feelings deserve honesty instead of quick fixes.

We also explore what happens inside the family system when life has to revolve around one child's needs, and why "fair" can look different when executive functioning and regulation needs are not equal. You'll hear practical ways to support siblings without turning them into helpers, how to validate without problem-solving too fast, and how one-on-one time and peer connection can help siblings feel grounded, understood, and emotionally safer in their own home.

Key Takeaways

• The "easy kid" is often carrying invisible weight. Many siblings cope by over-functioning, staying quiet, and trying not to add stress to the family system.
• Psychoeducation reduces isolation. When siblings understand autism and neurodivergence, it helps them make sense of behaviors that otherwise feel confusing, personal, or unfair.
• Give siblings language, not responsibility. Teaching a sibling how to explain stimming or sensory needs is empowering, as long as they are not put in charge of managing the autistic child.
• Big feelings are part of the job description. Embarrassment, jealousy, anger, shame, and grief can all exist alongside love and protectiveness. None of it makes a sibling "bad."
• Validate before you fix. When parents rush into solutions, siblings can feel dismissed. First response is empathy: "That makes sense. That was hard."
• Birth order can scramble expectations. When the older sibling is autistic and the younger sibling is not, the younger child can feel confused and resentful as they outpace their sibling developmentally.
• Executive functioning differences create "unfair" moments. A younger sibling may appear more capable and independent, while an older autistic sibling receives more hands-on support, which can feel like unequal attention.
• Siblings can slide into helper roles without being asked. Many non-autistic siblings take on responsibilities during dysregulation moments because they feel they "should," not because a parent assigned it.
• One-on-one time matters, and it can come from other adults too. A trusted adult can help provide experiences and attention when parents are stretched thin, so the sibling is not always waiting their turn.
• Flexibility helps families function. Letting go of rigid "should" narratives about what families must do together can unlock creative solutions that support everyone's needs.

About Bari Turkheimer

Bari Turkheimer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who provides mental health services to neurodivergent individuals, particularly autistic people, and also supports individuals with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. She takes a strengths-based, relationship-centered approach and uses cognitive behavioral therapy techniques through a neurodiversity-affirming lens. Bari earned her BA in Psychology from the University of Maryland, College Park and her MSW from the University of Maryland at Baltimore with a specialization in families and children. She works at the Ivymount School as a Mental Health Provider and serves as the Mental Health Specialist in the Aspire School Program, supporting elementary, middle, and high school students. At Starobin Counseling, Bari facilitates Siblings Together, a group that supports children and adolescents who have autistic siblings by providing connection, language, and shared understanding.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

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