Today we speak to wonderful NFM on the journey to adopting her son, the process, and also how the journey sparked her successful online business. If you're reading this - please go show some love and support on the links below!

Read the blog - http://notafictionalmum.com/

Go follow NFM - https://www.instagram.com/notafictionalmum/

And finally support small biz and go shop - https://shopnotafictionalmum.com/

Eve: Today we are joined by Not A Fictional Mum who adopted her little boy at 21 months and since then has become advocate for inclusivity around adoption. Do you want to tell us a bit about yourself? (00:20)

NFM: I’m Not A Fictional Mum and I created this name after having some experience being an adopted parent and people asking me who my sons real mum was and I thought I am a real mum, I’m not a fictional mum! I started a blog as I thought it would be cathartic for me and a way for me to get out my feelings in a real and raw way and that no one was going to read it. I thought I could swear as much as I wanted and be as honest as I wanted as it was just going to be that read it. 32,500 hits later in 7 months and an amazing following, I was wrong there! From doing the blog I started to blog about when going into department stores and I wrote a piece called Dear Mr Department Store, and we have these preconceptions that all mums to be have a bump or are pregnant. I was looking at pushchairs at the time and she turned to me and asked when was the mum was due and it was obviously me waiting for my little boy to come home which was heart-breaking. This was one of many experiences that I had in the retail sector. I shared my experiences again and documented when I went into stores and the conversations held and the response was phenomenal really. I was really aware that I had started something now and that I had to follow it through. I needed some money so that I could start a platform to support what im saying is wrong, so I sold my wedding dress. The dress sold within 72 hours and so I started Not A Fictional Mum the shop.

Eve: So since then, your selling inclusive cards and what else? (03:25)

NFM: I’ve always been aware that there are beautiful independents online that are doing adoption cards. The cards for me is more about the high street, so why don’t we have highstreets stocking just a greeting card. I’ve been campaigning really hard to get shops to recognise that this a small token that should be there. I cannot find a card in a shop without searching high and low for a card that acknowledges how my son came to us. I’ve worked with a card designer to design cards to offer to the high street but it’s not getting the attraction I want which isn’t great. The online store Thortful, I have been working with them and they have taken my designs which is massive for me and the community. The cards are a catalyst for everything else, I am predominately an infertility and adoption clothing brand. I am the first in the UK and I have been so overwhelmed with the support for it.

Eve: That’s amazing, I think it’s so nice for women going through any sort of journey at the moment to see they are inclusive, and I guess it’s your own sort of club in a way.

NFM: Yeah, it shouldn’t be that you have to search the deepest darkest depths of the internet to find something. All of my stuff is on the website, but I am listing other things that I feel people should know about as well, so it saves them hours searching for something. It is exactly that I have started calling it club NFM.

Eve: I know I said at the start you have adopted a little boy at 21 months, so what is your journey to motherhood and when did you start your family? (06:05)

NFM: Our journey started trying to conceive naturally as you do and nothing was happening so we went to our GP and we were told not to worry as it can take people up to year or a year, but we got to this point and we still weren’t getting anywhere. So, we were sent for some tests and we were told we could conceive naturally which is heart breaking and life changing. We were then offered a free cycle of fertility treatment on the NHS which we took and then I always very honestly say that we sort of fell into this world of fertility treatment. One minute you’re there explaining that it’s not happening, then their diagnosing you and then offering a kind of scientific solution to it, so we found ourselves in this world. We did multiple cycles and we spent £25,000, it was really testing physically and emotionally. We had a very sad miscarriage as one of our cycles was successful, but we sadly miscarried which is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. We found ourselves stuck really and we couldn’t get off this merry-go-round which was a very traumatic time. We had some very serious conversations around why did we even start doing this in the first place, what did we want to get from this and it was all the obvious things like we wanted to have a family but part of it was how important were the genetics. It was love we were talking about and we just wanted to love a child and nurture a child and watch them grow. We knew it was never going to be an issue to love a child that wasn’t biologically ours so that’s when we started talking about adoption. I’m writing a book at the moment and part of it is at what point to medical professionals start introducing adoption as an option of an alternative route to parenthood rather than this preconception that it is the last resort.

Eve: Yeah, that’s really interesting as I guess you get thrown into a world of IVF. I’ve never thought about that angle of it which your so right about. (09:15)

NFM: Yes, it is incredibly tough. I think the term IVF is thrown about so freely and we all know about IVF that it takes away the severity of it and it is a very stressful and traumatic experience to go through. There are other routes to parenthood, we had egg or sperm donor’s mentioned but at no point was adoption ever mentioned so that is something I am passionate about to have it mentioned. We took a really long time to grieve once we stopped fertility treatment, to grieve for the life we thought we were going to have. After, we started to research local authorities and adoption agencies, listening to podcasts and then we decided on the charity we wanted to do it through which was Bernados and they were brilliant.

Eve: Was it an easy process for you and an easy decision to go through with adoption? (11:30)

NFM: From the day you are told you can’t conceive naturally, there are no easy decisions to make. The natural way of doing things has gone so you are suddenly making decisions you never thought you would have to make and especially when you are considering something as serious as adoption. It’s the biggest decision we have ever made and will make in our lives. You are making a commitment to a child that has already experienced a level of trauma and loss and making the commitment that you will be there for them and not let them down and do the best for them. We don’t see it enough in the media or being portrayed on TV, we only see this image of someone walking out of a hospital with a newborn baby in a car seat. This needs to be looked at and changed because this isn’t how it is for everybody and it is important for our children to see this as they grow up that there are lots of different ways of becoming parents.

Eve: I almost think it is portrayed negatively in the media and when you hear about adoption in films it’s almost like a really sad thing to go through which I can imagine in some ways it is. It is not spoken about in schools or anything like that either. How long did the process take for you? (14:40)

NFM: It was 11 months in total, but the actual process was 6 months which is very quick actually and then we brought out son home 5 months after that. We were actually the last couple in our prep group to be matched, so we took the longest amount of time to find our son.

Eve: That’s quite quick, I thought you were going to say it was a longer process. Can you recall the first time you met Nemo? (15:45)

NFM: We met in a neutral place an animal farm type place with his foster parents and we had been sent videos a couple of weeks leading up. When we saw him it was just completely different to see someone in the flesh in front of you, he was on his foster carers hip and he I just remember seeing a chubby little calf with a little pair of shoes on. We just thought he was beautiful and froze actually. We let him do what he wanted to do and just watched him for ages. He was just so cheeky and full of life. It was a bittersweet time as it became apparent, he was actually very happy where he was and was happy with his foster parents.

Eve: How are you guys today, how has he settled in? (17:35)

NFM: He is great! Just as any parent, your life completely changes, and suddenly it takes you 2 hours to get out the door and going to the shop is a whole day’s event. I’m very honest about our journey and it has taken Nemo a long time to settle and a long time for him to believe this is forever and that we are his mummy and daddy, and we aren’t going anywhere. It’s tough, in his little life he has experienced a lot of loss. He is very settled now and is hugely affectionate boy and has settled into nursery. Nothing can beat when a child will look at you after all that and they really believe it, it’s all worth it.

Eve: It’s amazing that you can give him the forever home he needs. So, you are quite an advocate for adoption an at Merci Maman we are sharing journeys of motherhood. What are the taboos? (20:15)

NFM: I think there are a lot, one is It can be the same as having a biological child, that connection, how can it be the same. That all children that are adopted are unable to recover in any way from what they have experienced. There are also taboos about the adopters that we have the perception of them being these superhero’s that sweep up and rescue these children. Just also things being asked that shouldn’t be asked, I have had the most absurd things.

Eve: With your inclusive shop, why did you start this? (22:35)

NFM: I started it because there was nothing for me with adoption which angered me. I had worked with big retail companies before, so I knew things can be changed. I realised I was not the only person and people contacting me saying they felt the same I felt I had to use my skills to do something positive.

Eve: What is your main mantra you live your life by? (24:55)

NFM: My main mantra is hold on and take courage and that is something I have on an item of clothing of mine. I would have this stuck on a post it note in my notebook and would look at it whenever I was really struggling and now it has been a phrase that other women are using.

Eve: Thank you so much, you have been fabulous!