This week on Not Gullible: In response to the trend of Gentle Parenting a new model has emerged which harkens back to days gone by. But are these the only two choices? In today's episode we take a look at each model and what the Bible says about how we should approach parenting.
INTRO
A recent article in the Wall Street Journal, entitled ‘Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello F-Around and Find Out’ claims that, in response to the popular Gentle Parent movement, an even newer trend has emerged which has been coined the FAFO parenting model. For our sake I’m going to refer to this as the “FOOL” around and find out rather than use the other version. As the acronym unambiguously implies, this method harkens back to the days when children were allowed to experience the consequences of their choices. And in a culture where Gen Z young people are taking their parents with them to job interviews, it’s not difficult to see the appeal in a form of discipline that goes in the exact opposite direction of whatever led to that disfunction. Pendulums are going to do what pendulums are going to do.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, “The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent, and happy children through empathy, respect, and understanding and setting healthy boundaries. This parenting style focuses largely on age appropriate development instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving a child's self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior." If you dig in deeper to this parenting philosophy you’ll discover that parents are to be considered more as a coach to their child and that there is a very heavy emphasis on telling misbehaving child how you feel when they, oh I don’t know, hit someone on the head. “Tommy, I feel sad that you hit that child with a hammer.” This is supposed to take the place of any kind of harsh consequence and somehow keep your child from hitting anyone else with a hammer. You are also supposed to encourage everyone in your child’s orbit to follow this same method. Grandparents, teachers, friends and anyone your child might encounter should approach them “gently”. Who could’ve guessed that there might be some blowback from this trend?
On the other end of the spectrum, the Fool around and find out Parents (probably the ones who have the kids Tommy hits with the hammer) are recognizing the problems with the Gentle Parents and their children and have decided to go back a generation or two in search of a different strategy. Like so many people lately, they have a sense of nostalgia about a time in which they never lived but which looks appealing in it’s simple, Blockbuster video, stay outside until the streetlights came on, pre-iPhone aesthetic. Of course, the idea of a TV commercial being created specifically to come on at 9pm to ask parents, “Do you know where your kids are?” might help to temper their eagerness for a repeat of that era. One of the dangers of nostalgia is the tendency to romanticize history, elevating all of the positives and never tempering them with the negatives. You simply can’t copy the parenting styles of yesteryear and paste them into today. So, when I first heard about FAFO parenting, all I could think was that it was both an oversimplification and an overcorrection which isn’t surprising considering what those pesky pendulums like to do. Anytime we stray from the Biblical model for our lives we run into problems.
Hebrews 12:6 says, “For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives.” We live in a very un-disciplined culture. Whether it’s spending hours doom scrolling, overspending, indulging in gluttony or simply adhering to basic forms of decency and propriety, the world has elevated disorder and chaos and attempted to gaslight us into thinking that this is what is good and beautiful. To discipline means to train someone to obey, often using consequences for failing to do so. People who have been disciplined are more like to become disciplined people, able to hold themselves to a standard that contributes to the flourishing of society. In our ‘you do you’ world, it’s not hard to see why there would be a rejection of discipline-based parenting model. But what has been constructed is a false dilemma where people think they must choose between these two extremes when the reality is that God provides us with a roadmap that encompasses all of the best elements of each of them.
Here are few key points to keep in mind:
- Understanding and teaching our children that they, like all of us, are born with a sinful nature doesn’t mean that we completely ignore our child’s emotional nature. Taking into consideration the personality traits of our kids is vital in how we parent them. A strong-willed child is going to respond to discipline completely differently than a more compliant child. While we want our kids to face the consequences of their choices we don’t need to lay aside our compassion in the process.
- Gentleness is a fruit of the spirit which means that God gets to define it. Being gentle is not about having a permissive attitude but rather showing restraint and humility. We reflect these qualities to our children when we remain calm and controlled as we discipline them. Real quote unquote “gentle” parenting reflects the Lord’s patience with us as He corrects and rebukes.
- Neglecting our God-given responsibilities as parents is a sin. We have been charged with stewarding our children and when we abdicate that role we are not following God’s design. We are to nurture, admonish and disciple. The intense love we feel for our kids should never lead to us being permissive or dismissive when it comes to behavior that dishonors us and the Lord.
MUSIC BREAK
As long as we keep treating parenting like a trend the pendulum will keep swinging back and forth. Gentle parenting, at it’s best, reminds us that children are image bearers who desire to be understood. At it’s worst, it takes empathy and uses it as an excuse to keep kids from experiencing consequences. FAFO parenting at it’s best brings back the forgotten truth that actions do in fact have outcomes. At it’s worst, it mistakes hardness for holiness and nostalgia for wisdom. Neither extreme is the correct approach.
God’s design refuses this false choice. He disciplines those He loves yet he is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He names sin but recognizes personality and giftings. He sets boundaries without losing the relationship. This is the pattern we are called to follow with our children. We don’t have to choose between understanding a child’s heart and requiring obedience. Both can happen at once.
We can acknowledge temperament without surrendering authority. We can stay calm in correction because gentleness is not permissive; it’s self-control under pressure. Real biblical parenting looks like being present, clear and unwilling to abdicate the role God assigned to us. The point isn’t to raise children who never make a mess or never feel frustration. The point is to raise sons and daughters who will know that we love them too much to not set limits and that their choices carry weight. This is how we reflect God’s love to them here on earth.
Follow me on Instagram
