Is modern dating actually broken — or are we approaching it the wrong way?
In Episode 3 of the Note to Herself podcast, Kia and Krystel unpack the chaos of modern dating, the viral coffee date debate, and the role that attachment styles, social media narratives, and unrealistic expectations play in how people date today.
In this episode, we discuss:
✨Modern dating culture and the pressure created by social media
✨The viral coffee date debate and whether first dates need to be expensive
✨The difference between standards and preferences in dating
✨Emotional intelligence vs emotional maturity in relationships
✨The influence of TikTok and online dating advice
✨ Real-life dating stories and lessons learned from them
✨The 80/20 rule in relationships and why small imperfections shouldn’t end connection
✨Attachment styles in dating (anxious, avoidant, fearful, and secure)
✨Why healing while dating is often necessary for growth
✨How dating can increase self-awareness and clarity about what you actually want
What You Can Expect:
After Krystel goes viral on TikTok for suggesting that a coffee date can actually be a good first date, the internet responds with accusations of “low standards,” sparking a deeper conversation about dating standards vs dating optics, what people actually want in relationships, and how social media is shaping dating expectations.
Kia shares some unforgettable dating stories — including discovering that one date had spent 20 years in an unexpected place, another creating an uncomfortable face time session, and falling for someone who turned out to already have a wife. Through humor and reflection, the conversation turns toward the deeper question many people are facing:
Is dating difficult because the pool is bad, or because so many people dating are still healing from past relationships?
The episode also explores attachment theory, including anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidance, and secure attachment — and how understanding these patterns can change the way people approach relationships.
Key Themes in the Conversation:
Modern dating can feel overwhelming, but many of the frustrations people experience come from misaligned expectations, unresolved trauma, and social media-driven narratives about what relationships should look like.
Dating itself isn’t the problem. Often, the challenge is that unhealed people are leading the conversation about relationships, and many people are following advice that reinforces fear, cynicism, or unrealistic standards.
Instead, Kia and Krystel argue that dating can be an opportunity to build self-awareness, emotional maturity, and deeper clarity about the kind of partnership you actually want.
Throughout the conversation, Kia and Krystel challenge some of the most common dating narratives circulating online, arguing that real connection often comes from shared values, emotional maturity, and curiosity, not performative standards or social media trends.
About the Note to Herself Podcast:
Note to Herself is a podcast for women over 40, exploring growth, relationships, identity, and becoming the version of yourself you no longer have to edit.
Hosted by Kia McCallister-Young and Krystel Spell, the show explores the conversations many women are having privately — about healing, dating, friendship, personal evolution, and building a life that feels aligned.
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Special thanks to the talented collaborators who help bring Note to Herself to life:
🎬 Production:
R. Cadell Cook — House Cat Creative
Directing, Filming, Audio & Post Production
https://housecatcreative.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rcadellcook/
💐 Studio Set Design & Filming Location:
Patricia Sterling — Sincerely PS Events and Design
https://www.sincerelypseventsanddesign.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sincerelypseventsanddesign/
💄 Makeup:
Denyelle D. Beauty
https://www.denyelledbeauty.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/denyelledbeauty/
