I was at the drive-through of Taco Bell yesterday waiting for my steak chalupa with no tomato and watched with no small amount of surprise as what appeared to be both Bambi and his mom cut in front of me, hollered something through the window and awkwardly hurled a ball of mud poorly fashioned in the shape of a grenade at the confused employee. Awkwardly hurled, that’s an odd turn of phrase. How about tossed poorly? I don’t know. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

Both deer took off so fast afterward that their cigarettes fell from their mouths. It took them a long time to disappear though because smoking is very bad for you and makes aerobic activities difficult.

I pulled up to the window and made sure the girl was okay. I then immediately told her how she would be safe from deer attacks at the Not Really Radio event at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30 at 7pm before I asked her what they threw at her. To my relief, the girl assured me she’d be in attendance April 30th and then said “they just threw a ball of mud and leaves at me and made weird deer noises before running away. Deer are stupid.” 

This isn’t an isolated incident either, Tecumseh. I’m getting more and more reports of people encountering deer waging guerilla warfare all over town. Instead of guns they attack with mud, sticks and sometimes poop. The spears and slingshots they’ve been seen carrying are typically useless, mostly due to them not having opposable thumbs, or in fact fingers at all.  There had also been some concern about a tank, but the last sighting of that involved it trundling toward Adrian completely unmanned because deer can’t drive tanks. So that’s good. Except maybe for Adrian. Sorry Adrian.

So far in this bizarre ongoing story there are two credible threats to be on the lookout for

One is the Deer Whisperer herself. If you haven’t heard yet, this is the woman wearing deer antlers and carrying a howitzer like a shotgun who is credited with organizing the deer and arming them with their admittedly pointless weapons. Stay away from that lady, if you see her contact the FBCI immediately.

The other credible threat is nothing new, but eternally annoying, that being deer who have taken to using their bodies as surface to car missiles. There’s no telling when one of them might launch from the woods and into your grill, so be on the lookout while you’re out there driving Tecumseh.

The third major issue is less threat and more colossal annoyance which lies in the brazen way these beasts turn so many of our flower beds into buffets when we’re not looking.

I agree with the girl from taco bell, deer are stupid.

In other news, nothing new on the talking fish drama. Maybe they decided Tecumseh wasn't for them? Wouldn't surprise me, between the Candadian Geese and the Hydra living down by the wastewater plant I wouldn't want to be a fish around here.

Speaking of Geese, I saw one the other day walking through my yard that had something white hanging from its bill. I didn't want to get closer, so really I'm only guessing, but I feel like that white thing resembled a swan feather. Hmm.

Akaname, they are super gross. There are more and more reports of garbage trucks being stolen, compost heaps being swam in and dumpsters being tipped over. The FBCI is on the case, but our visiting cryptids are extremely elusive, plus as a note thrown at me from a black nondescript government vehicle stated: “They’re gross. And so darn slippery. Like really slippery. You would not believe how slippery they are.”

That’s alright boys, we’re all rooting for you. Plus, rumor has it Chester Chase may be back in town, so if you can’t handle it, maybe he’ll step in. A listener recently told me they saw him down by the products building nests for unemployed birds.

That will do it for me today, until next time this is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio