Benny's Grab Bag

Forgive the quality, we only had one rehearsal and a cobbled together sound system. Even so, the cast did great!!

Here’s a new one, the FBCI has put out a public bounty on a cryptid! I’m Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

So in a move that has surprised at least one Tecumseh resident - that would be me for those keeping score at home - The Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation has broken their long time refusal to admit they put bounties on cryptids and announced a reward for anyone who can bring in the Beaufort Street Banshee.

The Banshee arrived seven nights ago from Manchester Michigan and has been keeping half the population of Tecumseh awake every night since with her crazy banshee wail. I can hear you wondering, “how do you know all this Vox?” I’m glad you asked.

Experts from the FBCI reached out to me, literally. I was walking along Chicago Blvd when a black nondescript government vehicle pulled up beside me and a gloved hand reached out through the window to give me this message which reads as follows:

"The strange wailing sound bothering Tecumseh citizens belongs to a banshee. It is our belief this may be the Beaufort Street Banshee from Manchester Mi. Our agents are working tirelessly around the clock to locate and apprehend the banshee. It’s important we move carefully as we don’t want to trigger a mega wail which would  essentially cause every living thing within a seven mile radius to spontaneously combust. For anyone questioning the threat of this cryptid we'd like to point out the squirrel riot of three days ago was triggered by what we refer to as a banshee burp. Imagine that times a million. That’s a lot of paperwork that we’d prefer to avoid. Plus, you know, the loss of human life would be tragic. Any information leading to the apprehension of the banshee should be reported immediately to the FBCI and will be rewarded with money. Like real  money. At the very least not monopoly money. Maybe coupons. Plus Al also says I have to include a request for information leading to the arrest of Chester Chase Bounty Hunter since he’s Al’s white whale and the whole reason he joined the FBCI in the first place."

I’m not so sure about that last part, guys, Chester Chase is kind of a hero around these parts.

But, at least now we know what the noise is. It’s a banshee. You know I know a little something about banshees. I saw this documentary once and if I recall correctly you just need to find the O’flannery crypt, pick up the O’flannery staff  and the banshee should come right to it. Unless of course Scooby-Doo is not a credible source for cryptid information. I have a hard time believing that though.

Regardless, it’s good to know what we’re dealing with, and in true Tecumseh fashion, we’ll deal with it together. Let’s hope the FBCI move quickly or that Chester Chase is drawn to the case. I certainly wouldn’t want our Not Really Radio live event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church to be sullied by a banshee with bad manners! Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio. Hey wait a minute! Today is April 29th! Our live event is April 30th!

See you tomorrow, Tecumseh!

Talking fish? How about no! That’s right Tecumseh, the talking fish drama has reached a conclusion and that conclusion included a thermos of salinated poultry, our two FBCI agents Al and Joey, and a whole mess of Canadian geese. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

The details are still sketchy so we’ll provide you with a more complete picture once the dust has settled. Specifically on Saturday at 7pm at Covenant Church.

Even So, I must go ahead and retract my admittedly snarky comments toward the FBCI in yesterday's broadcast. Well done boys, we're proud of you!

In other news, the now nightly mysterious wailing that is waking up sleeping infants and tormenting pets and parents alike has continued for the sixth straight night in a row and yours truly is concerned that we can’t take much more of it. I won’t say I’m hallucinating, but I had a lovely conversation with a unicorn sitting in a tree outside the window of my 7th floor apartment. I know this is impossible, partly because I live in a single story house, but mostly because everyone knows unicorns around Tecumseh hate climbing trees.

Tim the Hydra has moved! In what I assume was a lovely ceremony two days ago that was attended by absolutely no one because people generally don’t like to be eaten, Tim and Candace the sea serpent tied the knot. Any witnesses who were present aren’t talking, because they naturally would have been consumed immediately as Tim has been very hungry. I know it went well though because Candace sent the station a thank you note for the cuisinart mixer I purchased from their Target registry. Her note reads as follows:

“Thank you, city of Tecumseh, for the lovely gift of the cuisinart mixer. It has long been a dream of mine to make mashed potatoes and now I can just as soon as I find an electric outlet somewhere in the pond. I’m sorry you couldn’t make the ceremony. Tim looked so handsome in his miami vice style suit with epic shoulder pads. It’s like I was marrying Don Johnson three times, you know on account of Tim having three heads. I also wanted to thank the FBCI for stopping the talking fish smugglers but don’t have an address for them. Could you pass that along? I have some turtles in the family on my mother’s side and we don’t want turtle haters living in our pond. Also, special thanks to FBCI agents Al and Joey for not tear gassing the wedding and kidnapping my new husband and myself. We realize we’re a tempting couple of targets. Maybe we’ll name our babies after them. Tim is currently in the process of moving to the pond, so he won’t be living at the wastewater treatment plant anymore. That all for now, thanks again. Hugs and kisses, Candace.”

Ahh, that’s sweet.

By the way, Tecumseh, I went ahead and put your names on the card for the cuisinart, so you each owe me three cents. Why? Because 249.99 divided by 8356 people comes out to roughly 3 cents a piece. And I for one think that’s a small price to pay for not being eaten by a couple of giant reptiles.

Special thanks to Jason, my former science consultant for doing that math on that, but I’m not hiring you back as my consultant. At best I’ll promote you to calculator with a bow tie.

In other news, the Not Really Radio live event is coming up the day after tomorrow at 7pm at covenant Church. See you there! This is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.

Well folks, yesterday will not be forgotten anytime soon. I’m certain that the great squirrel riot will go down in all our collective memories as a dark day for Tecumseh. On the other hand, human nature being what it is, there is also the distinct possibility no one even noticed the squirrel riot or the flight of the Deer Whisperer. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

You know, it's nice to see government agencies working in concert with private citizens. Not long after Chester Chase Chased the Deer Whisperer into the wilds of suburban Tecumseh, the FBCI stepped in and got the all deer and squirrels wrangled back to the woods and their human sympathizers were cuffed and carted away in a whole fleet of black nondescript government vehicles.

When reached for a comment the FBCI of course made no mention of Chester Chase, instead attributing the conclusion of this drama to their own hard work and preparedness. One of them also complained that their cooler was trampled and their peanut butter and jelly sandwich rendered inedible.

Oh well, Chase doesn't really need the press anyway.

In case you forgot, FBCI, there is still the matter of taking fish smugglers looking to use the red mill pond as a nursery for their vulgar product. Maybe put a hold on the self congratulations and get that situation handled. Just sayin'.

Do you know what location was completely unscathed by the squirrel riot? Covenant Church.

If you're looking for a break from the noxious evidence of panicked animals, might I recommend the Not Really Radio live event on Saturday April 30 at 7pm?

One of the talented individuals providing entertainment is Nate Smith. I was able to catch up with Mr. Smith just in time to get this interview recorded for today’s broadcast.

Mr. Smith, thank you for taking the time to do this. In exactly 12 seconds could you introduce yourself to Tecumseh?

Squirrels, that's the word on everybody's mind and I for one refuse to be afraid to say it. This is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio.

If you're just rolling into town I recommend you immediately hit the brakes and proceed with caution. Just a few hours ago our beloved city experienced what can only be described as a riot of squirrels. If it were not for one man and his inhuman abilities, things likely would have turned out very differently.

Just to bring everyone up to speed, Tecumseh has been the site of an above average amount of cryptid activity. Most notably lately being the Deer Whisperer and her gang of deer enthusiasts with their apparent goal of deposing humans as the authority in our town and then there’s the  mysterious nightly wail that has everyone sleep deprived and on edge.

Just hours ago the deer compound located in the woods near the golf course was conducting military exercises under the watchful eye of the FBCI. My sources report that the deer had apparently been joined by every single squirrel in the city. The tiny arboreal mammals have begun to drill with their much larger compatriot and traitorous human sympathizers have been equipping every buck with a decent rack with slingshots and gatling guns, essentially creating deer tanks with squirrel gunners.

Feel like that escalated fast? Me too

Wait there’s more.

A sound that can only be described as the source of every bad thing ever shattered the quiet air and startled three new deer recruits, freshly armed with shotguns and squirrel partners. The panicked animals all squeezed their triggers simultaneously. The resulting thunder sent the rest of deer squirrel hybrids into a frenzied stampede straight through the middle of town. It was horrible, deer were running, squirrels were gunning, traffic was honking and all appeared to be lost.

It was a dark day for Tecumseh.

Then, from out of nowhere Chester Chase came swinging on a vine through the center of town and caught, with his bare hands, every single bullet before it could hit its mark. He then hurled the erstwhile threats in the direction of Johnson’s Sporting Goods located near the intersection of Valley and M-52. Witnesses in the area say the slugs are still falling from the sky and landing in a neat pile behind the building. Then, in a further demonstration of pure awesomeness the cryptid bounty hunter dismantled every weapon within less than 30 seconds and took off in hot pursuit of the deer whisperer who was running away in terror. Which I for one find completely understandable because I’m a fan of Chester Chase but if he was chasing me I’d look scared too.

Although the immediate mortal threat was handled, there’s still a whole mess of confused and panicked deer and squirrels making safe traversal of our fair town a dicey proposition at best.

My recommendation? Stay inside Tecumseh, and if you absolutely must leave, wear shoes you don’t love and drive slowly.

Here’s hoping we won’t need to worry about any deer-related shenanigans for our live Not Really Radio Event on Saturday April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church

For all of you who have been following the growing deer menace in our fair city I have good news and bad news. The bad news is the Deer Whisperer has been making progress in militarizing the local deer herds of Tecumseh. The good news is tacos. If the bad news gets you down, just revisit day 12 of this podcast! This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Every sporting goods store in the area reported break-ins and theft last night. So far it seems only items that can be carried without hands have been taken. There is also a great deal of mud, leaves and twigs left at each scene, along with copious piles of little black pellets all over the floors. I don’t suppose I need to tell you what those are.

Reports are flooding into the station as witnesses are describing deer decked out in modified hockey pads and football gear marching together in large well ordered companies with militaristic precision.

The lone figure of the Deer Whisperer is no longer so alone. It seems a gang of deer enthusiasts have joined her cause and are helping prepare her troops for war. What happens when opposable thumbs and intelligent minds team up with deer strength and numbers? The Deerpocalypse is my guess.

The FBCI recently threw a paper airplane through my window that said “We encourage you to not take the Deer Whisperer’s aspirations of total city domination seriously. We sure aren’t. Even so, we’re watching her and her impressively organized deer army closely.”

Sorry boys, I for one am upgrading this story from mild annoyance to looming threat. I hope Chester Chase is following this story.

In the meantime I will continue to bring you updates as I get them.

Last night our fair city was once again filled with an odding wailing sound that instills one with a sense of impending doom. Wonder what that is? Me too! And if Jason was better at science, maybe we’d know something!

In other news, Tim the hydra was seen running in was looked to be terror from a bunch of squirrels wearing tiny sets of fake antlers. He dove head first into the pond by the Community center and was last seen shaking in fear while being comforted by his fiance Candace the sea serpent who makes the pond her home.

I for one can't help but wonder if the Deer Whisperer is attempting to weaponize the squirrels as well as the deer.  Strange days, Tecumseh, hug your loved ones close. Until next time this is Vox and you've been listening to Not really radio.

I gotta tell you folks, if I can’t start getting a full night’s sleep I fear I might start making poor judgment calls. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

I reached out to a friend of mine who - since he was the only applicant - I recently hired as my top science consultant to help us make sense of some of the cryptid craziness we experience here in Tecumseh.

Honestly, I’m questioning my choice, as his only expertise lies in taking an online course called “Get Really good at science stuff really fast.com”. But apparently they have a bunch of satisfied celebrity clients that range from Bill Nye to the research and development arm of Gemmy the American Novelty manufacturer responsible for Billy the Big Mouth Bass, so I decided I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

I asked my friend to put his newfound science abilities to work and explain this odd wailing sound that's been bothering Tecumseh so I could in turn explain it to you.

He said: “It is either organic or inorganic in nature. The sound lies well within the range of human hearing, but seems to bother dogs as well. It’s been proven to awaken sleeping infants and cause a significant sense of discomfort in most if not all humans. The sound is audible from anywhere in Tecumseh and is really really loud and annoying. Did you know Dihydrogen oxide is the main ingredient for cryptid paralysis venom?”

In a related story, I have recently fired my science consultant and may be in the market for a new friend as well.

In other news, congratulations are in order for Tim the hydra who lives near the wastewater treatment plant on his engagement to Candace the Sea Serpent who lives in the pond behind the community center. The couple is registered at giant monsters ‘r us, Cthulu and sons home goods and Target.

Finally a tiny truck tipped over in the parking lot of Bucsch’s and somewhere around thousand tiny pairs of antlers on head bands spilled out all over a two square foot patch of asphalt. An employee was approaching to sweep up the tiny mess when a scurry of squirrels descended on her, and pelted her with acorns until she ran screaming back to the safety of the store. The squirrels then cleaned up the antler headbands, righted the truck and were last seen driving at top speed, so around 8mph, toward Occidental.

Wonder what that was about.

Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.

Did anyone else notice the odd wailing sound that filled Tecumseh last night? I for one was instilled with a sense of impending doom. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

There’s a lot going on in this morning’s broadcast, so as my good friend Clark Cothern II second says: Hike up yer skirts lassies we’re goin’ to run today!

This just in, a group of really gross red cryptids with long tongues were seen being escorted out of town in the direction of what can only be the Detroit Metro airport. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

The Akaname are no more. That sounded ominous. They’re not dead, just being deported. More on that in a moment, but first, the classifieds.

Back to the news.

Witnesses have described what appeared to be a really disgusting altercation between two members of the FBCI and a handful of Akaname behind Tuckey’s Big Boy yesterday at dinnertime.

Apparently it was an arrest of convenience, the two agents had been driving by and happened to spot the three Akaname beginning to tip the dumpster while four more jumped up and down in excitement.

The agents immediately pulled in, produced super soakers filled with Cryptid paralysis venom and sprayed the Akaname, freezing them all solid, with one exception. An eighth Akaname had been inside the dumpster and tried to flee upon seeing his compatriots frozen. The agents leapt on him with cryptid cuffs and a can-do attitude and after a spirited scuffle managed to subdue the Akaname but not until they both were covered in filth and greek salad.

Gross.

But congratulations to the FBCI on a solid and very public win! Good job guys.

Maybe we can convince these two heroes to join us at our Not Really Radio Event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church here in Tecumseh! I’m optimistic.

Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.

I don’t know exactly what was going on, but a lot of reports have come in about a large and raucous celebration that took place over in Manchester last night. Stories are conflicting but one thing seems clear, there once was a thing in the city that filled people with a sense of impending doom and last night it apparently took its leave. Soo, congratulations Manchester, we’re all very happy for you! Quick question: was the source of impending doom Canadian Geese? If so, how did you get them to leave? Asking for a friend. This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

While I’ve recovered somewhat from what I shall forevermore refer to as the Canadian Revelation I have to admit, it’s left me scarred. I didn’t realize how deep the hurt went until I received the following sponsor spot in my work email this morning.

“Swing into savings with vines, a great cardio intensive and carbon neutral means of travel. The shortest distance from point A to point B is no longer a line, it’s a graceful arc. Don’t take our word for it, listen to this great testimonial from Chester Chase, Cryptid Bounty Hunter:

“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. Everyone should swing on vines. Protect the Ozone layer. Down with cars. Cars are stupid. Swing on vines.

“You heard it here, so it must be true, Chester Chase doesn’t want you to drive in your cars anymore! Let’s put a stop to ozone depletion! Travel instead via conveniently placed vines! It’s a two fold heart healthy system. Your heart will feel better for the physical exercise but you’ll also have the added psychological benefits of virtue signaling when you let others know how much better you are than them because you care about the ozone layer! Wanna feel fine? Swing on a vine!

“Head on down to your local car dealership today and turn in your keys!”

Now folks, while I am quick to embrace all the craziness of this beautiful made up world I live in,  I have to draw the line somewhere and I think I’ve found it. I’m afraid I find the email address [email protected] is more than a little suspicious. So at the risk of losing advertising dollars (which are paid in monopoly money anyway) I’m going to go out on a limb and say: Don’t believe everything you hear from the fictional advertisers on this program.

Don’t take my word for it though, Chester Chase himself sent me this message to play for you.

CHESTER: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been misrepresented and would like to set the story straight. What you heard was indeed my voice and my words, but taken completely out of context. In truth, I was contacted by a representative of the ozone layer asking me to encourage people to travel the way I do. Here's my real response:

“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. However, not everyone should swing on vines. I have special cryptid abilities that make vines appear when I reach for them. I don't recommend anyone try that. If they do, I can't protect them from what is sure to be a very bad day. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the Ozone layer, and I want to support its work. I could not, however, in good conscience say things like:

Down with cars.

I drive big rigs at 88 miles an hour for crying out loud. I don't think cars are stupid. I like cars. So I'm sorry but my message to the public is this: Absolutely do not ever, swing on vines."

There you have it folks, Chester Chase himself setting the record straight. Maybe good things can come out of Canada. The next time you’re out driving in your car I recommend you drive by 5290 Milwaukee Rd. It’s right across the street from the Tecumseh Golf Club. That way you’ll know exactly how to get to the Not Really Radio Event on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm

Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio