Benny's Grab Bag

Has anyone else noticed the increase in deer-related shenanigans lately? Recent complaints reveal the deer population of Tecumseh  has taken to playing chicken with oncoming motorists, often at the last possible second thereby guaranteeing both parties lose. This is Vox and you’re listening to not really radio

You know with Chester Chase out of town and deer becoming more aggressive I thought as a public service I would do a little homework. What do the experts say is your best means of defending yourself against a charging deer? Well the number one result came from goneoutdoors.com in an article titled: How to fend off a charging deer. I won’t bore you with the whole article, but the immediately relevant portions reads as follows:

“If the attack knocks you to the ground, curl into the fetal position. Try to protect your face, neck and abdomen and wait out the attack. With luck, the deer will deliver a few blows, decide you are not a threat, and leave the area.”

Just remember, you’re more scared of them then they are of you.

In other news I recently had a lovely conversation with Josh Seames, one of the performers at our not really radio live event to be held on April 30 at 7pm. Let’s learn a little about Josh:

Rumor has it a new gang of cryptids has made its way into our fair city and I’m more than a little grossed out. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio. These cryptids have come to us all the way from Japan and are called the Akaname. The name sounds cool until you find out what it means, which I kinda don’t want to say.

It’s gross.

Anyway, there has been a rash of dumpster tippings all over town which my sources say are the fault of our guests from overseas. Apparently the Akaname typically live in bathrooms, the dirtier the better. The good news is, Tecumseh bathrooms are considerably more hygienic than those of 17th century Japan. The bad news is, The Akaname are in our town on a temporary visitor visa for some big cryptid convention allegedly sponsored by the deer whisperer, and while they’re here they’ve gotta eat.

Gross.

Thus the dumpster tipping. If they’re going to eat the stuff I don’t know why they can’t just crawl in and go to town, why make a mess? One theory is that they want to make Tecumseh a place of perpetual filth so as to increase their numbers and eventually conquer the state of Michigan.

I guess some cryptids are just kinda jerks.

Gross jerks.

My sources say the FBCI is investigating and close to making an arrest, but the visitor visa makes it sticky… gross. And they have to catch them in the act of criminal activity in order to deport them.

Hopefully they’ll wrap it up soon since another source of mine says hometown hero Chester Chase is out of the country teaching old dogs new tricks so we can’t expect any help from him and I’m not eager to report much more on this particular story.

I think I’m going to skip lunch today, because… gross

More good news, if you want to visit a place guaranteed to be Akaname free, come to the Not Really Radio live event on Saturday April 30ths at 7pm at Covenant Church. Until next time this is Vox the voice of Not Really Radio slightly nauseous and signing off.

Hey did anyone else notice a deer staring through binoculars at passing traffic over by the high school this morning? I swear it had a cigarette hanging from its mouth. Someone needs to educate the deer population on the dangers of smoking, This is Vox and your listening to not really radio

Well humans, today it is my absolute pleasure to bring you a brief phone interview I had with Julia Cifaldi, one of the performers at our not really radio event on April 30th at 7pm.

Before that though, some news updates:

be on the lookout for some new to Tecumseh cryptids that witnesses are describing as red and gross with really long tongues.

That sounds horrible.

In a related story, sources say there is a cryptid convention coming to Tecumseh, reportedly to be held in the secret parking lot of the secret McDonalds. No word yet on who is sponsoring this soiree or why

Hey, remember the swans that were on the Red Mill pond a week ago or so? Any idea where they went? There were like two hundred and now there’s like six. I don’t miss them, I just don’t want to be caught up in a swanmageddon because I lost track of the evil creatures. They’re like tigers, dangerous when you can see them, more dangerous when you can’t. If you know where they went, drop me a line.

Back to Ms. Cifaldi. She is one of the talented performers who will be joining us at the Not Really Radio live event located where 35 mile an hour Burt st turns into 45 mile an hour Milwaukee rd and the truck behind you gets far closer than necessary when you slow down to turn into the parking lot even though you had your blinker on in plenty of time. Just sayin’. Here’ s interview:

That was the immensely charming Julia Cifaldi, and you know what? I have a soft spot for turtles too! Hopefully we can protect them from racist talking fish! Let’s find out together, How? Take a couple minutes out of your every day to listen to Not Really Radio! This is Vox, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

What is that rustling in the bushes? What goes bump in the night? What ate the last ice cream sandwich? Are we in fact living with cryptids among us? This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio. As many of you are aware, the feature presentation of the Not Really Radio event is a radio drama called Chester Chase, Cryptid Bounty Hunter.

Understandably, some of you have wondered what exactly a cryptid is and why would there be bounty hunters associated with such a thing?

Good questions.

Simply put, the broadest definition of the word cryptid is “an animal whose existence is unsubstantiated.”

Perhaps the most well known cryptids are Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, the Beaufort Street Banshee, vampires, werewolves, yetis, chupacabra, cthulu, John Cena, jackalopes, cute spiders, and there are of course rumors about entire population of Canada.

Of course the Not Really Radio Event set to take place on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church is treating cryptids like they’re real, even though everyone knows Canada is mostly made up.

Regardless, we’re going to have some fun with the idea.

That’s where Chester Chase comes in.

Based on stories told around a bus stop behind Jerry’s here in Tecumseh, one writer has put together a highly reliable and mostly made up profile of a bounty hunter of cryptids who is in fact a cryptid himself. I mean, it just makes sense, right? It’s the whole idea of it takes a thief to catch a thief, only with monsters. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling Chester Chase

Ope Hang on… one of my producers has handed me a note.

Sorry folks, it turns out the cryptid community objects to being collectively referred to as monsters. The preferred description is

Myriad Organisms Not Satisfied To Enjoy Regular Sustenance.

I for one am immediately forced to ask a question: Is Regular here defined as consistently occurring, like this podcast? Or is it defined as normal, like a glorious taco? And if it is the second option, a follow up question is demanded: What irregular sustenance is the cryptid community inclined to enjoy?

Oh, hang on, I’m getting another note…

Mostly People

So the cryptid community eats mostly people?

I feel compelled to point out the description the cryptid community insists on, Myriad Organisms Not Satisfied To Enjoy Regular Sustenance is much easier and quicker to say if we just turn it into an acronym, so M O N S T E R S

Yeah, I think that covers it. Cryptids are secret critters of varying hostility and intelligence that generally have a craving for Soylent Green.

So now we have a pretty good handle on what cryptids are and by extension I feel like that answers the question, why have a cryptid bounty hunter?

To learn more about this fascinating topic, join us on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church right here in beautiful Tecumseh MI. This is Vox, the voice of Not Really Radio signing off. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, maybe call the FBCI.

Did you know Tuckey’s Big Boy milkshakes are always hand dipped and delicious? They’re not a sponsor, someone on the show just really likes milkshakes, this is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Do you remember Billy the big Mouth Bass? It was that motion activated fish that would sing things like Take Me to the River or Don’t Worry Be Happy whenever you walked by it. Recently I reached out to Gemmy, the American novelty manufacturing company responsible for Billy and asked if they had a comment regarding our own little talking fish drama. You know, the talking fish allegedly headed for the Red Mill Pond? I received a reply from the marketing department via snail mail which had this to say:

“Thank you, consumer, for your interest in our product. While your query is fascinating and sounds like a fun challenge, we are confused. Are you asking us to help you develop a fish that actually talks? Because we can totally do that, we’re really great at this science stuff. However, our official stance must be that we can not in good conscience, however, support that course of action. We here at Gemmy believe that if fish could really talk, you would not want to hear what they have to say. Perhaps contact Dr. Moreau. In the meantime, can we offer you a discount on one of our airblown inflatable lawn decorations?”

Side note, did you know Queen Elizabeth loves Billy the Big Mouth Bass? Sources close to the crown claim there are anywhere from one to seven of the animatronic fishes in Buckingham palace at any given time.

In other news, I’ve received reports of a Chester Chase sighting recently. Apparently while in pursuit of a really nasty hydra that lives near the wastewater treatment plant, Mr Chase collided with a turtle. A well-known lover of shelled reptiles, Chase immediately broke off pursuit and successfully resuscitated his unintended victim. And that ladies and gentlemen is what a hero looks like.

Speaking of Chester Chase, let me tell you about a voice actor, writer, climbing enthusiast and all around amazing guy I know. He is also going to be playing the role of Chester Chase at the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm. He goes by the moniker Clayton Riptide which is pretty awesome all by itself. I was able to catch up with Clayton Riptide on the phone recently and score this little interview. You know I love that sound byte so much I might just hit it again. Clayton Riptide. Heh, heh, cool.

What’s up humans? Here I am again, making my way into your minds and hearts, but in a good way, not in a creepy way. Unlike those weirdos who have been driving around in their black, non-descript government vehicles. I’m Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Who are these guys in the black vehicles? Well, if you have to ask, it’s probably not safe for you to know. Which is exactly why you have a friend like me who answers the questions on your mind without you having to ask them out loud, thereby saving you from incriminating yourself with Alexa’s ubiquitous attention. Just another service provided for free by yours truly.

You’ve heard of the FBI, right? The Federal Bureau of Investigation? Also known as G-men, Feds, Suits and Fox Mulder. These black vehicle guys are not those guys, well, except maybe Fox Mulder. These agents belong to a super clandestine agency offshoot of the FBI known as the FBCI, which stands for the Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation.

The FBCI has no presence in the American consciousness. You can’t even find them online. Yet these quiet heroes spend their days protecting our nation from the constant threat of a host of various cryptids.

While we’re enjoying a venti peppermint mocha from the Busch’s plaza starbucks, they are investigating the Deer Whisperer, a looming threat in our fair city that you’ll learn more about in future broadcasts.

While we’re stopping at the Mobile station next to Doll n’ Burgers to fill up on gas and snacks, they’re putting a stop to a rash of dumpster tippers seeking to sew chaos and filth in our small town lives.

The FBCI handles cryptid activity, both threatening and innocuous on a daily basis. Activities that range from moving the Loch Ness monster to Lake Champlain to stopping the thirty seventh attempted rampage of the Van Meter Monster in the last three months to monitoring the activity of locally tolerated cryptids who are considered more general nuisance than threat.

As is clear from this broadcaster’s report, the FBCI have a job that is high stress and low reward, so next time you see a black non-descript government vehicle parked outside your home, take a moment to be grateful for their presence, and whatever you do, don’t check the bushes. Odds are you don’t want to see the threat they’re protecting you from.

Until tomorrow, this is the voice of Not Really Radio reminding you, it’s all pretend or is it?

The Voice of Not Really Radio is brought to you by the Not Really Radio event, an evening of comedy and music you are invited to free of charge on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church located at 5290 Milwaukee Rd, Tecumseh MI. Any news heard on this program is almost completely made up and virtually none of is can be trusted as far as you know. There definitely is not a man in my studio wearing a black suit holding a cue card with these words written on it.

If you see a giant lizard laying across the intersection at Chicago Blvd and Evans, just go around him. That’s Clancy and he’s had a long day, this is Vox and you’re listening to not really radio.

My increasingly cryptid conscious community is coming at me with all manner of reports on cryptid shenanigans in the area and I love it. One thing in particular that keeps coming up is what seems to be a just a normal dude out walking in the woods, wearing a giant rack of deer antlers. Is he a cryptid? I don’t know. Maybe he just really likes unique headgear.

Moving on ,one of the performers we’ll be enjoying at the Not Really Radio event on April 30th is Simon Suboski. But who is, Mr. Suboski? Well, I know he’s a man of many varied talents and interests, he’s also one of the most pleasant humans I’ve ever had the privilege of getting to know. I was able to steal a couple minutes of his time in a recent phone call to help quickly introduce him to you, my beloved listeners. Here’s the interview:

What a man indeed! Chester Chase is something else, and you know what? Simon Suboski isn’t half bad himself! You’ll be able to hear and see him in person as one of our performers at the Not Really Radio Event on April 30th at 7pm across the street from the Tecumseh Golf Club. Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio

Chester Chase, a manly man who out manlies other men of the manly variety. I realize that sounds like I’m overselling, but you have to understand, this guy is on a whole other level. My name is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Today’s big news is about a Chester Chase sighting in our own little corner of the Mitten. For those of you who know Chase, he needs no introduction. For the rest of you though, rather than spend a lot of time trying to explain who or what Chester Chase is, I put the word out asking for Chester Chase sightings and boy did his worldwide fan club deliver! Here are a few eye witness accounts from the hundreds submitted -  of Mr. Chase’s accomplishments, at least the ones not declared Top Secret. The list is as follows:

Now, odds are, you’re super impressed, as well you should be. But there’s also a possibility you’re wondering: Hey Vox, why does any of this matter?

That’s a good question. Chester Chase is a bounty hunter who specializes in cryptids. And with things like talking fish in the news, that’s the kind of guy we want on the radar! And as providence would have it, Mr. Chase makes his home right here in Tecumseh!

And that’s what brings us to yesterday’s Chester Chase sighting, right here in our own hometown: Agatha, an employee at the secret McDonald’s here in Tecumseh emailed me late yesterday: Hey Vox, brand new listener, long time fan, just wanted to let you know I just saw Chester Chase eat Chuck Norris’ last french fry and live to tell the tale. What a man!

Thanks Agatha, and just so you know, I’m a long time fan of yours too!

Suffice it to say, Tecumseh. Chester Chase is pretty darn impressive and we’re looking forward to hearing one of his adventures at the Not Really Radio event at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm. Details can be found online at tecumsehcove.org/nrr

I have an update on those talking fish from yesterday, it seems either our ambitious little Dr. Moreau has a potty mouth or fish are just generally unpleasant, This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Hello Tecumseh, you have places to see and people to be and I’m not looking to slow you down, so here’s what’s happening.

Turns out, when you give a fish the ability to talk all they do is swear. Like… a lot. Also, they’re weirdly racist against turtles. Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t either, that is why I am going to play for you this recording from an anonymous source delivered late last night by an exhausted carrier pigeon. Fair warning, while Not Really Radio is of course family friendly and the following recording has been heavily censored, the content may be offensive to sensitive ears, just sayin’

^%$@&^%#(!*&)

I’ve heard that 17 times now and every time all I can say is: wow. I guess it just proves that old saying my grandpa taught me: Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, teach a fish to speak and it will tell you how it feels about that.

In other news I’ve been getting a lot of emails from people wondering what there is to do around Tecumseh. Well folks, the opportunities for entertainment in the area are many and varied, but my personal favorite Is Not Really Radio, an evening of comedy and music at Covenant Church right here in Tecumseh over by the golf course.

This recommendation has led to a question that has come up in various forms, so I figured, let’s answer that now. People are saying to me: I don’t attend Covenant Church, are you going to try to baptize me or something if I show up for this event?

That’s a fair question. The short answer is no. The slightly longer answer is nooooooo.

The truth is, we’re putting this event together to have a night of laughs and live music, no strings, no pressure, no preaching, just come enjoy an evening out of the house without having to worry about.. whatever it is you usually worry about.

Unless you worry about ninjas. In which case, you should definitely be worried, because I’m absolutely inviting every single ninja I know. See you April 30th! Check out tecumsehcove.org/nrr for more details.

Have you guys heard about these talking fish that may be flooding the red mill pond soon?  This is Vox, the voice of Not Really Radio coming at you from the thriving metropolis of Tecumseh, right here in the southernmost portion of America’s hi-5.

A question I’ve been getting asked a lot is “Vox, what is this Not Really Radio event taking place at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm?”

Before we get into that, rumor has it there’s some kind of nutty scientist out there who decided fish need to talk. I don’t want to go too far down this road, because speculation is best left to wiser heads than mine, but I can’t help but wonder how this came about. Did this guy  just wake up one day and say to himself: Fish are far too quiet, let’s fix that! I don’t know Tecumseh, I’ve watched enough David Attenboruogh trials of life documentaries to think if fish could talk we wouldn’t want to here what they have to say. Back to the question on everyone’s minds, What is Not Really Radio?

I’m glad you asked, Not Really Radio is a live event that consists of comedy and music done in a format based extremely loosely on old time radio shows. If you’re familiar with The Thrilling Adventure Hour or Prairie Home Companion, that might give you an idea of what to expect. We’ll have live actors reading their parts on stage, a bunch of made up news reports and a few non-existent sponsors. There might also be ninjas. Although if they were good ninjas you’d never know. So I’m going to go ahead and say there will definitely be ninjas because my ninja friends are top notch and just like I told my therapist in yesterday’s session “you cannot prove they’re not there.”

Anyway, I’ll be hanging out with you all month on the daily exploring the fascinating secret world of Tecumseh MI and hopefully eventually see you April 30th at 7pm at Covenant church. Visit tecumsehcove.org/nrr for more details.