Benny's Grab Bag

Did anyone see a flying saucer above Burger King in the wee hours of the morning? Did anyone else see a broadcaster in bare feet and pj’s being eaten by said flying saucer? Or was that just me? This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

Sources from inside the FBCI got a hold of me this morning. Now, I know what you’re thinking, they probably just approached me in one of their black nondescript government vehicles and passed me some kind of note, right? Cause that’s what they do.

I wish.

No, this time I was awakened by a strange light in my bedroom that lifted me gently from my bed, out the closed window [so that has to be replaced, through the trees [because I wasn’t scraped up enough by the broken glass], under the water tower, around Ousterhout’s flowers, love that place, over Burger King, who I will never recommend for your floral needs, and then high into the air to the waiting flying saucer which opened like a giant bubble tape dispenser to allow me entry. If you know anything about Tecumseh’s layout then you realize I was treated to a completely unnecessary tour of half the town during my abduction. I was then deposited gently - but really, why bother? - on a cold steel floor in my bare feet.

Two agents who called each other Al and Joey sprayed me down with a disinfectant administered via firehose which burned exactly like fire but succeeded in healing all my cuts and scrapes with the added benefit of giving me what amounted to a screaming sunburn. I’m hoping that’s gonna turn into a tan.

I realize I likely sound a bit ungrateful for what was certainly a once in a lifetime experience.

I am.

Perhaps I would be less annoyed if not for the fact that my abducting agents simply handed me a folded note before the beam picked me back up and sent me home the way I came.

I resisted the urge to open the note right away, choosing instead to share this moment with you, Tecumseh, because I care about you. I care about you so much that when I have news to share with you I do not come into your bedroom and drag you uncomfortably and unnecessarily all over town only to hand you a note like we’re in third grade and you’re my not so secret crush. So, here’s the note:

Please warn people to avoid the secret parking lot of the secret mcdonald’s for the next few days as we’re setting up a sting operation to take down the Deer Whisperer, the Akaname and the talking fish smugglers all in one fell swoop. We’re trying to get all cryptid activity under control in time for your Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church. PS, we’re sure we don’t need to tell you this, but please don’t share these details with your listeners as it will effectively ruin the entire operation.

Well.

That’s disappointing.

This is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.

Good News, Tecumseh! Thurgood Demeter Fowlerton the III, our local larva of the mothra variety, is currently starting a new life as the lead deforesting agent in Iron County in the Upper Peninsula. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Local legend Chester Chase reached out to some contacts he has in Deforestation Co, the top competitor of Shamco Inc and a top logging company in the U.P.. Chase introduced them to our rapidly growing Mothra worm, which terrified locals have begun affectionately referring to as Thurgie, Thurgalicious, eeek a giant worm, is it glowing? It’s totally glowing, oh no it just ate uncle Howard, quick run away. Witnesses say representatives from Shamco showed up around lunchtime in Tecumseh, watched Thurgie clear out an acre and a half of trees in a half hour and immediately put him on a truck headed for the Upper Peninsula late yesterday afternoon.

If you missed your chance to see Thurgie around town, don’t fret. One intrepid listener sent us a photo of him which we’ve posted on the Not Really Radio Facebook page and twitter feed and our instagram. We don’t have an instagram. Oh, our secret instagram. I guess if you know you know. Our thoughts go with Thurgie as he embarks on his exciting new career as an expert in deforestation.

In other news, the purpose of this Not Really Radio pre-show is to entertain and enlighten you, Tecumseh, with all sorts of made up information and not real news reports in preparation for our live event on April 30 at 7pm. And you can help! Wherever you hear this podcast, whether on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter or the main webpage, share it with your friends and family and encourage them to come enjoy an evening of laughter and live music at the low low price of free!

One of the entertainers we’ll be enjoying at our live event is Nona Bennett who will be singing and acting both. I was able to catch up with Nona by phone and she agreed to do a short interview. Here it is.

The great thing about cryptids is their existence can’t be proven. Even if you have foot prints, photos, carcasses and anecdotal evidence, there is no way to establish a cryptid is real. Which of course is exactly why Canada doesn’t exist.

Don’t get me wrong, timbits from Tim Horton’s are great and I sure do like Ryan Reynolds and Dan Akroyd, but you cannot prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Canada is real.

Oh sure, there’s something living north of the United States, and Windsor is a great town, but as soon as you tell me to head south from Detroit to get to a city located within a country north of the U.S. all you’ve proven to me is that you believe the earth is flat, sharks are smooth and Chester Chase is not in fact the toughest man on the planet.

It just doesn’t make sense.

So what has your favorite broadcaster all bent out of shape about our alleged neighbors to the north?

The Geese.

It just didn’t make sense. Until now.

All I’ve ever heard is how Canada is so sweet and polite, and for the most part I’ve believed it. For about as long as I believed the entire nation of Canada was not in fact populated almost exclusively by cryptids.

Then I went for a casual stroll out by the community center.

As I began to walk along the shore on the east side of the pond by the Community Center I was greeted by a hiss. There it stood, the biggest, angriest canadian goose I’ve ever seen. I looked around carefully, there were no goslings to be seen, just this big mad waterfowl that was glaring at me with malicious intent.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a coward and I’m pretty sure my kung fu is strong enough to handle an irritable canadian. But here’s where it gets weird.

I decided my stroll wasn’t worth the effort and turned to head back to Mr Mentallo, the name I’ve given my Ford Flex. Rather than peacefully carry on about my evening though I encountered another goose, even bigger than the first one. Also angry, also hissing at me, also advancing menacingly.

The surprise on my face was reflected in the distressed honk of the swans swimming nearby that saw what was going down and immediately flew away.

Have you ever seen a swan flee in terror?

Me neither.

It’s foreboding.

I was preparing to let loose my best fake karate yell when a disturbance in the water caught my attention. The most welcome sight greeted my admittedly panicked eyes.

The Cryptid Bounty Hunter himself, Chester Chase strode calmly up and out of the water and pointed back toward the pond while making eye contact with the goose in front of me. Obediently the angry creature swam away. Chester turned to the other goose and it also retreated. I watched in relief as they left us then turned to Mr Chase and noticed he was bone dry.

I thanked Chester for intervening in what I’m sure would have been an epic martial arts battle complete with ninjas. I also mentioned how surprised I was that geese from Canada were so darn unfriendly when the rest of Canada was supposed to be so great.

That’s when Chester Chase dropped the bomb on me

But first a word from our sponsor:Have you ever noticed there are a lot of cars on the road. Yeah, we have too. Stop driving cars. Seek alternate ways of travel. Maybe try swinging on vines. Brought to you by the ozone layer.

Canadians aren’t real!

At first I objected but then he hit me with the next one.

Do you know how he knows Canada isn’t real?

Because Chester Chase is Canadian!

Turns out the cryptids that live in Canada are quasi humans who deposit all their nastiness in a single lake in northern Ontario. This lake then spontaneously generates angry geese that carry Canada’s ugly character flaws out of the country to spew it all over the United States.

Do you get what I’m saying?

Canadian Geese are emotional garbage men and we’re the dump!

Our giant worm monster is on the move. If you’re over by the pit today, there’s a twenty foot worm in the vicinity that secret sources inside the FBCI say will eventually become a Mothra. Pictures are fine, but please leave the beast alone and don’t litter. It can’t grow up to attack Tokyo if we mess with its habitat.

Chester Chase, if you’re listening, now may be a good time to intervene. Tokyo is really far away and Tecumseh is right here. I for one don’t want to be ground zero for an epic battle between Mothra and Godzilla. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

Well Tecumseh, it's day 17 of the 29 day not really radio preshow podcast. 17 of 29, those are prime numbers, does that mean 17 29ths is a prime fraction? Is there such a thing as a prime fraction? I don’t know, I can’t get a hang of this new fangled math. Maybe someday someone will put it in song and I can be entertained and educated at the same time. Hmmmmm. Foreshadowing aside, we’re over halfway there, and I gotta tell you, I’m getting excited. The Not Really Radio event is shaping up to be a walloping good time with fantastic vocalists like Simon Suboski, Kimberly Stephens, Nona Bennett, Faith Rhodes, Nate Smith and more. We have a talented cast of radio drama actors who will entertain us with an adventure from the life of Chester Chase Cryptid Bounty Hunter. Josh Seames and Karen Miller will guide us through the evening as a couple of top notch radio news anchors and On top of this we only get one rehearsal to make it all work!

Speaking of our radio news anchors. We already got to meet Josh Seames on Day 10, today we get to listen to a brief interview with Karen Miller

I was at the drive-through of Taco Bell yesterday waiting for my steak chalupa with no tomato and watched with no small amount of surprise as what appeared to be both Bambi and his mom cut in front of me, hollered something through the window and awkwardly hurled a ball of mud poorly fashioned in the shape of a grenade at the confused employee. Awkwardly hurled, that’s an odd turn of phrase. How about tossed poorly? I don’t know. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

Both deer took off so fast afterward that their cigarettes fell from their mouths. It took them a long time to disappear though because smoking is very bad for you and makes aerobic activities difficult.

I pulled up to the window and made sure the girl was okay. I then immediately told her how she would be safe from deer attacks at the Not Really Radio event at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30 at 7pm before I asked her what they threw at her. To my relief, the girl assured me she’d be in attendance April 30th and then said “they just threw a ball of mud and leaves at me and made weird deer noises before running away. Deer are stupid.” 

This isn’t an isolated incident either, Tecumseh. I’m getting more and more reports of people encountering deer waging guerilla warfare all over town. Instead of guns they attack with mud, sticks and sometimes poop. The spears and slingshots they’ve been seen carrying are typically useless, mostly due to them not having opposable thumbs, or in fact fingers at all.  There had also been some concern about a tank, but the last sighting of that involved it trundling toward Adrian completely unmanned because deer can’t drive tanks. So that’s good. Except maybe for Adrian. Sorry Adrian.

So far in this bizarre ongoing story there are two credible threats to be on the lookout for

One is the Deer Whisperer herself. If you haven’t heard yet, this is the woman wearing deer antlers and carrying a howitzer like a shotgun who is credited with organizing the deer and arming them with their admittedly pointless weapons. Stay away from that lady, if you see her contact the FBCI immediately.

The other credible threat is nothing new, but eternally annoying, that being deer who have taken to using their bodies as surface to car missiles. There’s no telling when one of them might launch from the woods and into your grill, so be on the lookout while you’re out there driving Tecumseh.

The third major issue is less threat and more colossal annoyance which lies in the brazen way these beasts turn so many of our flower beds into buffets when we’re not looking.

I agree with the girl from taco bell, deer are stupid.

In other news, nothing new on the talking fish drama. Maybe they decided Tecumseh wasn't for them? Wouldn't surprise me, between the Candadian Geese and the Hydra living down by the wastewater plant I wouldn't want to be a fish around here.

Speaking of Geese, I saw one the other day walking through my yard that had something white hanging from its bill. I didn't want to get closer, so really I'm only guessing, but I feel like that white thing resembled a swan feather. Hmm.

Akaname, they are super gross. There are more and more reports of garbage trucks being stolen, compost heaps being swam in and dumpsters being tipped over. The FBCI is on the case, but our visiting cryptids are extremely elusive, plus as a note thrown at me from a black nondescript government vehicle stated: “They’re gross. And so darn slippery. Like really slippery. You would not believe how slippery they are.”

That’s alright boys, we’re all rooting for you. Plus, rumor has it Chester Chase may be back in town, so if you can’t handle it, maybe he’ll step in. A listener recently told me they saw him down by the products building nests for unemployed birds.

That will do it for me today, until next time this is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio

Hey what happened to all swans? I finally have an answer. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

As always, Tecumseh, I’m here to ask the tough questions that are on your mind. And I know, like myself, you’ve been wondering: What happened to all the swans?

First some context. As I'm sure many of you remember, it was just a couple weeks back a whole mess of swans, a bevy if you will, were making themselves comfortable on the Redmill pond.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll give you more on that story in a second, but I’ve just been handed a bulletin that is breaking and relevant to anyone who has bushes, shrubs or trees. A giant egg found near the intersection of Billmyer and Milwaukee Rd recently hatched, and a very large worm with glowing blue spots immediately started eating trees. Like whole trees, not just leaves. So watch out for that. Apparently a member of the FBCI asked what its intentions are regarding our fair city and the creature replied with:  Braaaaak

If anyone out there speaks eldritch monster, please contact the FBCI as soon as possible as their last interpreter recently lost an argument with Godzilla and has been assumed retired.

Makes me wonder, what does a giant worm turn into? Maybe we’ll find out. If it doesn’t clear out our woodlands first.

Back to the swans. Turns out they heard rumors about the Canadian geese that regularly make Tecumseh their home. I’m sure you know what geese I’m talking about. If you spend time near any of the waterways in the area you’ve likely encountered them. Awfully aggressive for Canadians if you ask me. Of course, that’s assuming Canadians are real, buuut that’s another bit for another day.

Anyway, swans being the unnecessarily aggressive birds that they are, these aquatic interlopers showed up to challenge our canadian geese friends to a fist fight.

I won’t waste your time with the blow by blow details, mostly since I don’t have them. One witness described it as “imagine a flock of Bruce Lee put the hurt on a herd of Chuck Norris, only it’s on the water and they’re birds”. Sounds intense. I’m assuming the Geese were the Bruce Lees in this donnybrook, as you may have noticed, the swans have quietly taken their leave, but our Canadians are still here, swimming, eating, pooping and generally treating our town like… bad.

I for one am torn. My hometown bullies seem to have successfully fended off the white winged invaders, but I still don’t feel safe walking to the kayak rental by the community center.

Still, it makes me wonder, are these geese on our side? Or are they going to turn on us like we’re in a Stephen King novel?

Hopefully we’ll find out more at the Not Really Radio event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant church right here in Tecumseh. Until next time, this is Vox, you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.

What has two thumbs and is intimidated by the idea of a deer with a howitzer and a bad attitude? I’ll give you a hint: It’s me. I have two thumbs. And I’m here to tell you, fear the deer. This is Vox the voice of Not Really Radio

More on scary deer in just a minute, but first, I’ve been getting a lot of emails and tweets from  my listeners asking what you can do to protect yourself from local cryptids. I feel like the first and most important thing for you to know is that the FBCI branch that operates out of Tecumseh is among the nation’s best and very rarely is there an actual threat to you the population.

I can’t tell you how I know that because he made me promise I wouldn’t before he drove away in his black nondescript government vehicle slurping down what I would guess was a vanilla malt from Doll’n Burger.

Aside from that though I recommend carrying a vial of cryptid paralysis venom with you at all times. It’s super affordable, completely non-toxic to humans and looks, smells and tastes exactly like water. In fact it so closely resembles water that you would never be able to identify it if it weren’t for its convenient Busch’s water bottle packaging. If a  cryptid comes into contact with it, however, they will immediately freeze solid… or start smoldering…. Or start spinning in circles singing I’m a Little Teapot…. or sometimes they’ll turn into a tree.

Back to our story of the moment. Who is the shadowy figure wearing antlers that’s been seen skulking about the various wooded areas in Tecumseh often in the company of several deer? Some say he’s a were-deer, you know like a werewolf but half deer instead of half big angry dog. Others are calling him a manifestation of all the deer who have lost games of chicken with motorists. I can’t attest to any of that, what I can tell you is that recent rumors indicate that he may in fact be a she. Why does this matter? It doesn’t, but that costume did not match the advertisement and one size does not in fact fit all. Just goes to show you, sometimes this show is just as much of a mystery to the guy who writes it as it is to you, dear listeners! Whether this person is a he, a she, a them or a rutabaga, they have earned a nickname, one you’ve already heard mentioned on this show: The Deer Whisperer.

Now someone who likes to dress up like a deer and play in the woods might seem a little unbalanced, especially in a town where so many kids skip school on the first day of hunting season. Not much of a threat, right?

Well, I wouldn’t discount them just yet.

We have already heard how the Deer Whisperer has been talking to the Wampus cat and his feral cat cronies. Now witnesses report that the Deer Whisperer has been arming the local deer population with spears and slingshots and - get this - has even been seen talking to squirrels. I don’t know if any of the rest of you have seen open season, but if our squirrels are anything like that, I’m avoiding the woods for… like… ever.

Just in case anyone out there thinks they could take the Deer Whisperer in a fair fight, I have one more nugget of information for you. That howitzer I mentioned earlier? They carry it like a shotgun.

Citizens are encouraged to keep their distance from any deer or squirrels they encounter and immediately report any sightings to the FBCI. And maybe keep some cryptid paralysis venom on you at all times.

You know, one way to avoid the Deer Whisperer and her cronies, at least for an evening, is to attend the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church right here in the bustling burg of Tecumseh.

Until next time, this is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

The Wampus Cat that lives behind Burger King has been seen in conversation with a strange antlered figure. Witnesses report they were discussing the cryptid summit taking place in the secret parking lot of the secret McDonald's. Thankfully Chester Chase is back in town and happens to speak cat so I for one, am not worried. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

I’ve received a few less than helpful responses to my swan quest, specifically I want to know what happened to that huge herd of swans that was during the Red Mill Pond into a beautiful, graceful horror movie. The most intriguing so far is that there were some Canadian geese involved. We’ll see if that goes anywhere.

Elsewhere in our fair city, a large egg has been laid in one of the wooded areas east of town and the FBCI has it under constant surveillance. Citizens are ordered to stay away as there is no way of knowing when it might hatch and what might come out.

If you’ve ever encountered the Wampus Cat that lives behind Burger King, I’m sorry. He’s kind of awful. Rumor has it, he’s in full support of the Deer Whisperer and whatever that weirdo has in store for Tecumseh. Good news, though, it seems Chester Chase is already on top of the situation as witnesses report he’s been seen in talks with the Wampus Cat’s representatives. No one knows what they’re saying, but it’s clear our Cryptid Bounty Hunter is in control of the situation.

Today I had the opportunity to talk with one of the witnesses. Kimberly Stephens, a well-known and loved figure around Tecumseh. Coincidentally, Mrs. Stephens will be performing at the Not Really Radio Live Event and agreed to answer a few short questions for us.

I want to take a moment from reporting local shenanigans to load a word for you.

That word is tacos.

Now maybe you already have beautiful thoughts and memories associated with that word. If so, hang on to those tight. If not, let’s dig a little deeper.

Remember the happiest, best thing that ever happened in your life?

Think about it, no matter how big or how small.

It could be your wedding day,

the first day of school,

It could be the first steps of your child.

What about an exciting new job as an arctic spelunker?

Maybe you saw a double rainbow once.

Or maybe you got to the end of binge watching your favorite show on Netflix and discovered the next day they added a new season.

What is the one thing that could make all of these wonderful moments better?

The one thing that is always relevant no matter who you are?

Tacos!

Just think!

You may kiss the bride, and have a taco.

Your promotion comes with a raise, and a taco!

Your child’s first steps could have been to deliver you a taco!

What is the beautiful arc of a double rainbow other than the two sides of a glorious giant taco shell?

See what I mean? Take all the best things in your life and add tacos!

But wait, there’s more.

Because how do you fix a bad day?

Have tacos! It just makes sense!

So here’s what I want you to do. Think hard about the best taco you’ve ever had. Got it? Now mentally bookmark that feeling, that idea, that smell, that taste, that memory, that sense of “everything is okay because this taco is amazing.” Now everytime you hear the word taco, let that memory wash over you and smile.

Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, whether you’re down in the dumps or having the time of your life, add tacos. And if you don’t have any tacos, just think of them and realize you have something beautiful to look forward to! See you Saturday, April 30th at 7pm for the Not Really Radio event. Sadly we won’t have tacos at the show, but do you know what will be open afterward? Taco Bell!

Today we’re going to dive into the murky depths of back alley euchre, black non-descript government vehicles and you guessed it, talking fish.  This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio

Welcome to Day 11 of the best marketing blitz ever, my name is Vox and I’m bringing you all the news you never knew you needed.

The story that’s been on everyone’s mind recently revolves around rumors of a smuggling ring looking to use the redmill pond as a nursery for talking fish. I just received an email from a person who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Smester Smace. Attached is an audio recording from this morning that allegedly contains evidence of a clandestine euchre game that took place in the alley by Muk’s early this morning. My source insisted I play it for you because he’s assuming the FBCI listens to my show. Aww, I’m touched. Let’s have a listen:

1: Do want me to pick it up?

2: Pass

3: Pass

4: Pick it up

2: are you going alone, partner?

4: No, it’s your turn

2: This should give you an idea of what to expect from me

3: Ouch

1: Just play the game, rumor has it Chase is in town and we don’t want to look like talking fish smugglers

3: But we are talking fish smugglers

1: Yeah, but we don’t want to look like talking fish smugglers.

3: Oh, yeah, guess not, are you gonna lay down or what?

2: Have you guys noticed that black non-descript vehicle over by the Boulevard Market?

4: Yeah, I see it, lay down a card

2: Is there an FBCI branch in Tecumseh?

3: Not that I know of

1: What’s trump?

4: Clubs

3: So when will the fish arrive?

2: My guy says they’ll be here in a few days.

1: Hey, how many buyers do we have lined up?

4: The Canadians are interested of course

3: Naturally

4: A British guy just called me yesterday to say the queen is eager to make a purchase as well

1: Did you explain that these aren’t Billy the Big Mouth Bass?

4: No, I figure Caveat emptor

3: I thought we were playing euchre

1: Caveat emptor means buyer beware. He’s saying we’re talking fish smugglers, there’s no return policy.

2: I feel like that black non-descript vehicle over there has a vaguely governmental vibe. Are we sure the Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation doesn’t operate in Tecumseh?

3: As far as I know the FBCI doesn’t even know Tecumseh exists. That’s why the red mill pond is such an ideal location for the nursery.

2: I just feel bad for the turtles.

1: Why, what’s with the turtles?

3: According to his guy, the fish are super racist against turtles and only know bad words.

2: Once this little venture has concluded every shelled reptile in the area is likely to need years of therapy.

4: Bummer

3: Gin!

4: That doesn’t make any sense. You’re embarrassing yourself. Stop it.

2: What do we do if Chase shows up?

4: Handle him, he’s just one guy. There’s four of us. As long as the FBCI isn’t onto us I’m not worried. You all know your assignments, Let’s get to it.

Well there you have it. FBCI guys, if you’re listening that sounds like a pretty solid indicator that there may be something going down at the red mill pond. If you’re curious how this is going to turn out, so am I. Let’s find out together at Not Really Radio on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church.

Until next time, this is Vox saying: Save the turtles!