DR1

Our Tech Overlords

In our 'Elon Musk's alibi to police was, "It couldn’t be my fault; I haven’t been at Tesla since they passed my pay package."' headline of the week. Tesla Under Fire After Car Smashes Into Texas Home and Kills 76-Year-Old Grandmother*************** 

In our 'Hello, my name is Jeff, I have a younger brother and sister, my favorite food is Betty Crocker pancakes, and I am a Coupon-ism major at Columbia University' headline of the week. Jeff Bezos Called Washington Post His Worst Investment and Staff He Laid Off ‘Terrible’ People*************** 

LivingSocial (Written Down 2016): In 2010, Amazon poured $175 million into this daily-deals competitor to Groupon. The daily-deals craze fizzled out quickly, and six years later, LivingSocial was acquired by Groupon for effectively $0

In our 'Just tell them it will make their Netflix better' headline of the week. Head of Microsoft Rages at His Fellow CEOs for Admitting What They’re Actually Doing to Society With AI*************** 

“You can’t say, hey, all white-collar jobs are gone and this could even be a weapon and we will use all the power to build data centers,” Nadella explained

(Microsoft’s own AI CEO Mustafa Suleyma, it’s worth noting, very recently claimed that AI was on the verge of performing most “professional tasks.”)

Nadella is now pushing an approach that factors in the common worker, criticizing those who get excited to announce AI-driven layoffs. “No, how about we think about reorganizing the jobs?”

In our 'Mark has super-duper pinky-promised to stop using his $150,000 Patek Philippe watch to time exactly how long it takes a developer to cry' headline of the week. Meta CTO Admits Mark Zuckerberg Has Completely Crushed Employee Spirits*************** 

In our 'Hey Ma, every time I click on this ad it wipes my butt, buys a dozen frozen turkey burgers, and breaks up with my girlfriend, tell Dad!' headline of the week. These new Amazon ads don’t just recommend products—they can make your purchases for you***************

MM1

In our 'What if I replace the Oreo knockoff brand Kroger Chocolate Lovers Kid-O's with Hydrox in the vending machines?  Will you like working here again?' headline of the week. Meta Floats Bigger Snack Budget After AI Shakeup Tanks Employee Morale

In our 'What if I make it LOOK LIKE your job isn't harming children, so you can tell your Mom at Thanksgiving, "no, we don't hurt children, that's ridiculous!"?  Will you like working here again?' headline of the week. Meta lobbies Congress for immunity from lawsuits alleging online harm to children

In our 'OK, what if I replace the HYDROX with ACTUAL OREOS in the vending machines?  Not even Elon Musk would do that - would you like working here again?' headline of the week. X tells 'neglected' Meta employees that it is hiring and will 'exceed any snack budget offer'

In our 'I should have gotten the worst possible grade for GOVERNANCE, not ENVIRONMENT... don't you people read?' headline of the week. Musk Furious After SpaceX Stock Get Worst Possible Environmental Grade

In our 'Free Float data already created influence metrics, says, "make your own ESG data, jerk"' headline of the week. Inside Peter Thiel's Invite-Only Dialog Network: Secret A-B-C Grading System for Billionaires and Politicians

Grades are assigned based on factors including fame, wealth, influence and political fit: C ratings go to the most prominent figures, A to those who are established but less high-profile, and B to most others

DR2

The Stupid

In our 'Target screams, you're supposed to fake fire your CEO and make him Executive Chair and promote the COO in times of internal crisis!' headline of the week. Lucid Motors Fires 18% of Workforce and Axes COO Marc Winterhoff as EV Market Slowdown Hits Hard*************** 

In our 'Target screams, yes exactly!' headline of the week. Domino's names COO Joe Jordan as new CEO amid slowing sales***************

Outgoing CEO Russell Weiner will transition to executive chairman

In our 'Group of experts suggest painting the pool blue to get rid of the problem' headline of the week. ‘ESG Hasn’t Gone Away’: Group Urges Trump, SEC to Rein In ‘Big Three’ Asset Managers’ Voting Power Long Term*************** 

Bull Moose Institute: 8 men, 0 women: ran by Aiden Buzzetti, President | 1776 Project Foundation & Bull Moose Project

In our 'Soccer 1, Child Care 0' headline of the week. After forcing workers back to the office, Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase are now letting their staff work remotely—but only for the World Cup*************** 

In our 'Board members include Kimbal Musk, O.J. Simpson, Dana White, Rebekah Neumann, Elizabeth Holmes, Richard Sackler, John R. Tyson, and John T. Walton' headline of the week. Trump Forms UFO Board to Investigate 'Mothership' Orb Threat Over Sensitive National Security Site

John T. Walton (1992-2005), the billionaire son of Walmart founder Sam Walton, died in 2005, when the home-built experimental ultralight aircraft he was piloting crashed

Unlike siblings Rob and Jim Walton, who took executive roles, John's involvement emphasized oversight without deep immersion in merchandising or supply chain functions

MM2

In our 'Blackrock announces funding a reboot of the movie The Highlander called The Gay Highlander: There Can Be Only One' headline of the week. With the exits of Apple’s Tim Cook and Dow’s Jim Fitterling, the Fortune 500 is losing two groundbreaking gay CEOs—leaving just one 

In our 'Lying sociopath is 100% excited about making money, 74% excited about taking a bath, 29% excited to go home to his baby, and 12% excited to eat Hydrox' headline of the week. Sam Altman was ‘0%’ excited to be a CEO of a public company—but OpenAI is taking steps to compete in the AI IPO blitz anyway

In our 'Lying sociopath hires man accused of aiding suicide to build product that will destroy humanity' headline of the week. OpenAI Just Hired a Guy Accused of Terrible Things

Noam Shazeer, cofounder of Character.AI who has been accused of having an AI chatbot that rooted for their customer's suicides

In our 'Lying sociopath who hired man accused of aiding suicides for product designed to destroy humanity thinks the product will be able to do it by next Christmas' headline of the week. Sam Altman thinks AI will surpass human intelligence by 2030. His rival AI billionaires say it’ll be even sooner

In our 'Man who owns everything and has all the money suggests you try out whittling or become a cobbler' headline of the week. Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang says electricians and plumbers will be needed by the hundreds of thousands in the new working world