Occasional Notes From Suzanne - A weekly audio-essay on faith, a book recommendation, and a recipe

What should we do as we face a new chapter in life? For me it was turning 60 and losing my mother. This episode begins the quest of considering how I will live the final third of my life.

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Like blinders on a horse, I seat myself at the front of the church so I can mind my own business.

How often do I make erroneous assumptions about the prayers of those around me? I see someone who appears to be financially well off in the pew to my left and think they have not a care in the world, not realizing that they are praying for a child who hasn’t spoken to them in years.

I see a family who is blessed not with financial wealth but with the wealth of having six children, and I wonder how they can adequately provide for so many, not realizing that they thank God every day for his abundant provision.

I watch the way others take Communion, if they lift their arms during the Our Father prayer, or if they slip out before the service ends.

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Very often, when I am sitting with an unanswered prayer, here’s what I want to say to God: “Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!” — Psalm 4:1

I want to know that I am heard. I want God’s consolation even if the answer I receive isn’t ultimately the one I want. But I want a visible sign that I am heard. When my heart hurts, I want to know that God cares.

“Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers.” — Psalm 39:12

From the words of these psalms, I understand I am not the only one.

Which leads to the uncomfortable question of, “Why pray at all?” Does a change in my life come because of my own actions, or because I have prayed to God? Or both? Who gets credit when a need is answered, and who receives blame when it isn’t? Me or God?

This is a daunting question, because it considers the very nature of our relationship with God. It’s right up there with the question of suffering, which I have yet to hear a satisfactory answer to. It is a question we see wrestled with in the Book of Job. When God finally shows up, his answer to Job is essentially, “Who are you to question me?”

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Ending our year and beginning a new one with a thoughtful reflection lets us see we are stronger than we believed and our lives are richer then we imagined. We discover grace surrounds us on more days than not.

Instead of a list of resolutions, find yourself some quiet time this week, and reflect on the past year: What good thing did you experience? Are you proud of yourself for keeping an important commitment to your partner or your children or yourself? Can you remember a time when you gave someone grace through acts of compassion or patience or generosity? Did you overcome a fear or find courage to make a big move even as you were afraid?

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An unexpected snowstorm. And in this hour before sunset, the sky has cleared enough for the lingering rays of the sun to cast a delicate wash of pink across the newly fallen snow.

This beauty can make you feel cozy and secure or desolate and lonely. My decorations are up, my first round of Christmas cookies have been baked and given out. Handel’s “Messiah” plays in the background as I move around my home.

Yet, as I put the finishing touches on my latest book: The Best Christmas, I include one final essay you might find surprising in a book about Christmas.
It is an essay about my struggles with depression that sometimes show up unexpectedly and leave me with dark thoughts about life and whether it is worth living. I know that there will be at least one person who comes to the end of the book and feels as if there is still something they are searching for. A balm for the emptiness they are experiencing during this season of joy.

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It occurred to me that not only did the road engineers not need my help, but they could see the result of this construction project when I could not. I had not needed to be worried all those months.

Simultaneously, it occurred to me that this was a very fitting analogy for what my prayer life can feel like.

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Over the course of this podcast, I have spent more time reading, thinking and writing about God than I have in the previous 54 years of my life. And what have I achieved? Do I feel enlightened? Have I attained a higher level of consciousness?

Actually not at all. To be honest even if I spent the next 50 years continuing my pursuit of God through books and prayer, I don’t think I would be any more enlightened than I am right now.

Instead, I have discovered that with every book I read, I want to learn more.

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What I discovered is that when I don’t go to church, something is missing in my life. Something is missing in my spiritual walk with God. Yes I can worship and love God on my own. I do so daily. I can even worship God through church services that are televised through my computer or Zoom.

But worshiping and loving God with other people on Sundays and during weekday services in person — knowing that I pray with and for others, that they pray for me, that our voices are lifted together as one — is more than I can accomplish alone.

Our evening prayer service, which still meets via Zoom, has become more meaningful as we began meeting in person once a month. The remarkable moving of the Holy Spirit is palpable during this in-person prayer service. What’s different?

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On Tuesdays after the 8 a.m. Mass at St. Mary’s in Breckenridge, we are invited to stay for 30 minutes of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament. These 30 minutes of silent prayer and meditation seem to be the perfect way to end the Mass and start the rest of our day.

Last Tuesday during adoration, I finished praying my rosary, sat back in my pew and contemplated the Blessed Sacrament as my fingers absentmindedly toyed with the wooden beads of my rosary.

I was, frankly, feeling a little out of sorts with prayers for my mother to regain her ability to walk after hip surgery and my own search for remote-based work. So I resorted to the remedy that always brings relief when I feel overwhelmed with worry: I count three things I am grateful for.

The main body of the rosary is made up of five decades of prayer beads: one large bead followed by 10 smaller wooden beads. The large bead represents the Our Father prayer, and the smaller beads represent the Hail Mary prayer. Altogether, this makes one decade, which is repeated five times.

As I began to count the things I was grateful for, I found myself keeping track by moving my fingers along each bead. I quickly completed the first decade of gratitude, but could I think of 50 things I was grateful for?

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I’ll ask you to excuse me this week because as I recount my experience from last Tuesday’s Mass, I still get a smile on my face. And quite honestly, it’s inexplicable to me.

I arrived around 7:45 a.m. so that I could pray before Mass began. My prayers usually entail a laundry list of things I want to ask God’s help with.

But on Tuesday morning, I knelt, bowed my head and said “thank you” in the silence of my mind. I found myself repeating “thank you” over and over and over again.

After a few minutes of this one-note prayer, I began to wonder what I was thanking God for?

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This episode is sponsored by
· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/suzanneelizabeth-anderson/support

Get full access to Suzanne Elizabeth Anderson Newsletter at suzanneelizabethanderson.substack.com/subscribe