We gaze to see things through, yet how come I can see flashbacks? Flashbacks that I can no longer recover.

To complete your thought, you must always choose accurate words thoroughly. However, at this very moment, words made me a wreck instead.

My college buddy asked me last December about a gift I wanted to receive. It was so fresh back then, well until now, and I just burst out an answer that even I never expected. I told her if she can bring my dad back. That was seriously the darkest answer I responded to for the very first time. Yet, in days of contemplating, it's not my dad that I meant about. It was the memories I wanted to go back through. There are plenty of "what if's" I wanted to do in such consideration. Mistakes to fix and peals of laughter to extend. 

Have you ever felt like you're falling on the very edge? I was, and I am still. Healing was never easy. Memories will haunt you as you heal. It truly indeed needs time and the right process. For now, I may not still, but I will. Don't get me wrong. I do have faith. However, as I've said, it will be fine as long as I have Him by my side. 

Here's one of my random 3 a.m thoughts. A thought of unexpectedly losing my father, not even saying our goodbyes to each other. 

This poetry series is certainly about my late father. And today's episode happens every December. A 9 days countdown timer of my late father before my actual birthday. I still can remember his eyes and voice full of excitement when asking with regards to my birthday. Like who'd I invite, what viand would he prepare, what am I wishing for, and so on.

I honestly thought I'd answer such questions until I grow old. Yet unfortunately, I'll nevermore. It's indeed saddening, knowing my late dad is not there physically, but his memories will. Preserving it, forever.