After a warning concerning the dark content of this episode, we explore (from personal experience) the shadow side of intense meditation practice: panic attacks on my first fire kasina retreat; the importance of reaching out for support from fellow retreatants; the usefulness of maps and models; fear, misery, and disgust; differences in approach between concentration and insight practice; the usefulness of distraction; the importance of sticking to the practice being undertaken; my second kasina retreat and how I made the same mistakes again; self-disgust; depression, unreality, suicidal ideation and intentions; the impact of life problems upon the practice; difficulties in reaching out for support; social alienation; projection of feelings of abandonment; the helpfulness of a group ritual and permission to freak out; the dangers of a highly focused mind; choosing the time and place for self-analysis; the importance of observing and offering support to fellow retreatants; my third kasina retreat, and some success at circumventing the same old difficulty; escaping the mind loop; the relationship and interactions between psychological issues and meditation practices; how psychological issues are resolved not by meditation but through other means; my own issues and how I have addressed them; the abject failure of the third retreat and how this came about; the need for processing and containment of overwhelming psychological issues; the difference between psychotic hallucination and beneficial insights; taking bizarreness as an insight versus living out the bizarreness in reality; the failure of processing and what helps re-integrate; the failure of processing and its possible relationship to trauma; the possible roles of trauma in spiritual practice; the usefulness of agreements to take a break from practice; the kind of experiences to look out for that might indicate a failure to process experiences; possible resistances to taking a break; the likely efficacy of some simple grounding interventions; circumstances leading to the failure of my third kasina retreat; the detriments of ending a retreat unexpectedly; summary of a simple model for keeping retreats safe; the real and significant impacts of spiritual practice and the difficulty of distinguishing psychosis from spiritual insight.

If you are in emotional distress, struggling to cope, or feeling suicidal, then call Samaritans on 116 123 (UK) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (USA), or search for local suicide helpline services. There is someone there to listen and support you.

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