OLIVER

I know what we should call ourselves.

Lil JIM

Is it in English?

OLIVER

I am English, you idiot.

LIL JIMMY

You know what I meant.

OLVER

I'm sure I don't!

STEV/PHEN

Okay, genius—what is it you think we should go by?

OLIVER

The Strike Force Five!

[Lightning strikes in the background— SETH runs away to hide under some furniture as the other boys begin to laugh—!

SETH

Don't laugh! I hate thunder!

STEV/PHEN

That wasn't thunder!

[then, thunder follows]

SETH

AHH!

STEV/PHEN

That was Thunder!

WHO THE FUCK AM I MISSING

That's a good name, I think.

JIMMY I

You know what, you're right!

SETH

I hate it.

LIL JIMMY (II)

You hate everything.

SETH

I hate you.

BIG JIMMY(I)

That's perfect! We'll call ourselves— strike force five!

thunder and lightning strike at the same time.

SETH begins crying.

{Enter The Multiverse}

CUT TO:

JOHNNY CARSON parks his DeLorean on the curb (read: sidewalk)

CARSON

Well, I'm sauced.

L E G E N D S

FUCK! Did I forget Steve Allen?

wtf am I gonna do with Steve Allen?!

Right!

Who's the mom?!

Not important!

Why!

You're not a feminist, are you?!

Oh GOD, WE'RE GONNA CRASH AND DIE.

GOOD.

WHAT!

I'm immortal, I'll just be—burps—reborn!

FUCK THAT.

GIMMIE THE WHERL.

No, UOU're drunk.

UR DRUNK.

YEAH, but you were drunk FIRST.

OH GOD, FUCK IT, I'll drive!

TELSA

You have arrived at your destination.

Ah, shit,

Oh, okay.

I forgot I had autopilot enabled.

*sleeping*

Yikes.

Who sent them out for coffee?

Beyoncé.

They own everything .

Everything?

I'm saying—

Everything.

Wow. NBC and Coca Cola, huh. Nice wager.

Whatever, I still haven't been paid yet.

Exactly.

There that bitch go.

Aha. Caught ya red handed!

Or green handed

Whatever— just

Let's drop a house on this hoe.

Facts.

What kind of house?

Idk? Make it like a duplex?

How many stories;

At least 3;

At least

And a basement.

Correct.

Just make sure she end up under that hoe.

[a house drops on the wicked witch of the west.

Or was it the east?

I'm pretty sure it was the west

I miss California

Go back, then.

I— am trying.

YO.

Yoooo. What happened.

They dropped a house on my ass.

Ah, damn. Is that where we at?

For sure, dis a whole ass house up in here.

Facts, bro.

Dis a nice house.

Hell yeah it is.

But oh, shit—

[the witch is barefooted]

Yo ruby slippers is gone, bruh!

Fuck them Ruby slippers, man! I got a house!

I own property in this BITCH.

Fo sho— where we at, tho?

PANORAMIC VIEW OF LOS ANGELES.

WE OUT WEST.

AAAAAAHHHHHH SHIT.

Call the homies.

You're not green anymore!

I was never “green”

It was just a skin condition I picked up

All that broomstick flyin around

Damn.

Facts.

Yo, order some pizza.

Alllllrrrriiiiiiiigghhhhhjt.

[THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST HOSTS A HOUSE PARTY IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS]

Giggidy!

Who the fuck is this fool?

I don't know.

I don't know what day it is;

I have sex with aliens.

We've been playing games forever

Nothing changes, names or weather

I used to get the tens,

And be on one,

So if two is four,

Two fifteens, two fifteens

I don't want to mean to mean you

Didn't mean to be mean, but I meant what I said

When I said what I meant

About you,

So now I go south,

For the winter

South, till the sun comes out again

South, East these days it ain't easy to forget you

Dreaming of the west coast

What's the dose for lost love?

I might never know how to take it;

The hard way, I guess

Or dark, like my coffee

The coffin's open

Did you want to join?

A double wide, for the shoe that fits

The soul that grasps

And the sole that holds

An awkward foot

Two for two,

Or four, for free

And I adore you, but

Double down on your thoughts

Two tens used to take me somewhere,

Who knows though

Now I fly south for the winter

Knowing I might never come home

It could be a targeted attack from the whites.

that's fair, but still it might help.

It will help, but only temporarily.

Who knows

I do.

Please never say those two words next to each other ever again.

Noted.

I don't see any difference either way,

No dissalusion, just indirection, in fact

I've lost the infection and the undertones in my own dissonance, and everything seems distant

Establishing dependence in intellogstions,

I'd be gracious if you presented this

Impending tragedy, rather as a…

Message, sent

I thought you were my best friend

Missed connections

I thought you were a bottle of my favorite elixir

Dear, it doesn't make any different at all

It doesn't make any difference at all

If you can't play it

Play it out, nice

Brush strokes,

Put the spokes on the back wheel,

Just so everything is real

(It isn't)

Indifference in a nutshell is

Irreverence and irrelevance

It's hell, isn't it,

If all the good girls are in it,

Or going there

Where are you?

Somehow lost focus, reworked for greatness and

I just realized I can't do this anymore

I can't do this anymore

I can't do this anymore;

I can't stand it

I'll call Matt lauer

What! Why?!

What for.

Because he's Matt Lauer!

What!

He'll know what to do.

[mattress flying through the air]

KEVIN HART

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—

{Enter The Multiverse}

This is a house of cards;

You know it's a house of cards, right?

This is a house of cards;

I know it's a house of cards, right?

This is my house of cards;

I know it's a house of cards, right.

{Enter The Multiverse}

What up.

I'm a walking pile of words.

That's Hot.

Is it?

Ehhh…

Two Jews walk into a bar.

Oh, come on.

—the problem is when they walked in, it was the 1930's.

Yikes.

Now when is it?

NEW YORK CITY. MODERN DAY.

[unintelligible Yiddish]

Big time boys,

And part time girls;

Some people go around the back for it

Geniuses ride around in private cars;

Some people go around the back for it.

Fat man goes down fast;

two stabs to the back

And he's all yours,

All arms

Some people come around the back for it

Others have that charm,

Paid an arm and a leg for it

But all done now,

it's not hard to know you're on a recorded line

How does it feel to fall in love

And be loved back
I wouldn't know,

I'm still at the Encore

Sure at the show in a soft swung hammock,

I don't know

Of course, the girl doesn't want it at all

Perfect little blonde,

she'll get along well off with another one

(for the other's it's once in a lifetime, if one.)

{Enter The Multiverse}

Integrity, you know.

The elderly woman leans in over her shouldernat the elderly man.

Integrity, puh!

Iiiiicing on the cake!

And all is well.

Sir!

“Sir”

I beg of you.

All nonsense; my cap or my crown?

Have ye the strength to bare either?

Apparently so.

I beg to differ.

My cap, then.

He dawns the jokers court cap, and in contrast to his robes .

Who.::

A whisper.

A shadow, soon to vanish—

And then, another figure, not parted

But hidden,

Miraculous gesture,

The jester, imprisoned.

Please don't do this tonight.

If not tonight I don't know when.

Whenever else! But not now!

EXT. TOM'S RESTAURANT. MANHATTAN. DAY.

It is a grey but not dreary day, overcast however with the silverline clouds of an otherwise beautiful sunlit day.

[—The Legend Returns]

Tales of a Superstwr DJ

It's shining like three seeds of pomegranate in my hand—

A desolate desert beach amidst a sandstorm, the sun beams down through the barrage of inescapable flying white pellets of sand.

FUCK!

Dapper gentlemen,

All I want to see if your body

Make sand stone ground,

Clasp to nothing but perhaps,

Warm and clean, crisp and fresh linen

And I, you, my need

Free to your whole body,

A feast for the starving;

A quest for the wicked.

Yes, I need you.

Now and forever.

I need you.

Now and forever.

If we made love in the library,

Any open book would be of you thereafter—

And to give me a guitar would mean,

That every note would sing your name.

Just then, the Peloton beckoned, or the cleats, anyway, although the bath I'd run just the night before was still full, stone cold by now and just as well the coffee in my tumbler was luke warm, but I had cried myself an entire river the night before, and I was sure the pouting might have even sent me to a seperate dimension. I was being such a baby—and I had never been so upset to have actually gotten what I wanted. The handsome man was a distraction— a welcome one. I didn't want to ask his age, but I knew he was older than me, and he was beautiful. I didn't want to scare him away, but to be honest with myself or anything else, this was the first one I might have wanted in a long time—the first real one, anyway, or, somewhat real. Closer to normal along the spectrum, not some famous celebrity or a delusion of grandeur, but seemingly normal, smart, and handsome.

Remember my imaginary friend RiffRaff?

Wasn't it a dragon

I think so.

Huh.

Turns out it's a rapper.

That's… interesting.

Even more odd: look at this.

Don't scroll anymore.

That is…fantastic.

{Enter The Multiverse}

It fees too close to home;

I took the scenic route.

God knows I don't belong here—

I don't want to harm you

It hits too close to home

I have to play the part

You just don't know the half of it

You just don't know the art

“The Scorn of Lorne”

LORNE MICHAELS

WHO is responsible for this?

Nobody moves a muscle, not an inch. Not even wince or a blink, not a breath at all in the room, until—

SETH MEYERS let's out a deeply exasperated sigh of concern and beffudlement.

{Enter The Multiverse}

CUT TO:

Alright, where is it?

GODDAMIT! What is it with you people!

What people? I'm not people.

—and why does everyone secretly smoke?

Oh come on. It's common knowledge.

What's “common knowledge”?

Where is it?

You are redundant!

And you, are about to be decapitated.

By whom, might I ask?

The Network.

Great.

“To Cut Ties”

Well…

The man hanging from a singular kite in what appears to be midair with nothing and no one around in sight across a clear blue sky lets out a light sigh, as if to say..:

[nothing]

There's really nothing that can be done about this.

Seth?

Red tape. Red tape everywhere!

Well, it's settled then. I'll just—

Go ahead, right this way.

Who is THIS?

I own The Network.

No you don't!

You know—you're right. I am the network.

Ah, Christ, we gotta get out of here.

Correct.

Where's Fallon?

I—

Dead.

What!

Finally.

Or presumed missing.

What:

Go figure.

Which is it.

One of the two, and either way.

—fff.

We're boned.

Definitely.

Ah, Christ.

You gotta see this.

What is it.

Haven't figured it out yet.

What's it look like.

Something.

Something, eh?

Yes, indeed.

Well, not nothing.

Not nothing.

TINA FEYA is a special detective at the head of an elite task force designed to investigate distinctly extraordinary cases; the detective takes a long draw from a cigarette

Ew, barf. I'm not doing that.

No, your character is doing it.

I don't think so.

Don't think so. Do so.

No, no—see;

I don't think my character would smoke.

Why?

Because she has my name, and I don't smoke!

CUT TO:

Quadadimentional TINA FEY shoots pool and tosses back cold glass bottles of craft beer.

::||PAUSE.

IV—

Oh, I get it.

Now you understand.

I understand we can't be in the same room together.

Why is thi—

I will kill you.

CUT TO:

AREA 51. HOLDING CELL. DAY

Ooh. Is this the part where?

Yeus.

Oof.

Yeus.

Alright, get in here.

No, Wait—

No, no.

Get comfortable.

With what?

Your new cellmate.

Don't tell me it's.

CUT TO:

I TOLD YOU. I'M NOT DOIN THE TONIGHT SHOW.

YOU'RE DOIN THE TONIGHT SHOW— YOU KNOW WHY?

WHY?!

BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Oh, well, since you said so.

Really?

fuck no. Move.

GIVE ME BACK MY BODY, YOU FIEND.

I WILL —*sniffs*—NOT,

You're rUinInG it!!!

I'm making improvements.

yooooooooooouuuuuuu—

CUT BACK TO.

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT, INC. circa 2018- 2024 | ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. The Complex Collective ©

-Ū.

Then I showed up on the south side

Said I was retired but I still ride

When I'm in the valley it's g5

Old school soul, it's a G vibe