So I'm on the train to California. On the way to live in my dream. I guess I'm already living the dream because I'm already in California. A little bit nervous crossing the border, I only had one hour sleep because I couldn't sleep. And so it was pretty rough, I was feeling bad about leaving. Now that I'm over the border, and I'm actually in California on the train, I feel good. And last night, I slept probably five or six hours, so it wasn't too bad. Considering I was sleeping on a train. I've taken this trip twice before. So I already knew that I liked the train ride, very relaxing. I'm in seat number one in the very back car, very back of the train. For right now I'm in the observation car and I just got a coffee. And I'm just wondering. And I'm just wondering if I'll ever stop wandering. I was feeling like, I was feeling like, I didn't want to leave my family and friends. But now that I've left, I feel good. Not that I won't miss people, I definitely will. But I feel like I made the right choice. And I packed up my place. And it's still there for me. But I don't know if we'll be gone a couple months or more than a couple of months. And I was talking in my last video about whether I'll be continuing to talk about mental health. And on the way down, I was reading the book on dialogue by David Boehm brought my noble character to talk about stuff, maybe I'll go get it after. But he was talking about dialogue. And he was actually talking about how important it is to have dialogue. And even if there's two different factions of a group, it's important for them to have dialogue. And if you can't have dialogue with them, perhaps some dialogue about them, not about them in opposition, but in about what one feels their meanings are. And it sort of made me think about my views on this whole mental health thing versus views of the mental illness paradigm. And I don't think they're totally mutually exclusive for them. The other thing he said was, if you can't do either if you can't have a dialogue with the other group or with yourself with your group about the concerns of the other group, and just have dialogue with yourself. And I thought that was really interesting, because that's what I've been doing since pretty much a year now actually. Because I made a couple of videos before I was hospitalized last year. And I was talking very lucidly and coherently and then I was hospitalized. And I've been listening to what I was talking about in June, after I was hospitalized last year in July, and oddly enough, I don't really mention too much about what happened. I think I was just too traumatized to say much about it. Though I didn't listen to two of them. So I might have talked about it more in the other videos, but I'm finding myself still having my brain go to mental health because actually think is the same phenomenon of consciousness of these changes in consciousness is just a change in consciousness. That happens to be called mental illness. Because the other side of that change can be terrifying. Then it's turned into this lifelong, terrifying personal problem. And I've already talked about that a million times. I'm hoping to continue to have dialogue about it with myself in new ways. I made some notes on what he was saying and that's all dialogue book. And even in the few videos I've watched of my own. I was surprised I was even talking about people acting as a whole organism together, which is the whole teal organization thing, which is something that I just discovered. So I guess the concepts are already out there. People have already already discovered these things matter of perhaps just having dialogue. So I'm really hoping to be able to participate in dialogues. And not always refer to mental health stuff. But I might be, I might be thinking a bit in terms of mental health stuff in my mind, but maybe I can translate it as I speak to I don't know. The other thing I have to be careful of is that where I'm going, I don't know, if they have a lot of Wi Fi, or what I'm trying to say is I can't make gigabytes full of video and have them upload to the cloud, I might have to get an external hard drive. The one I was gonna bring, broke, has all my pictures on it, so tough to figure that one out. So I should be careful not to make my videos too long, so they don't get stuck in the cloud or things like that just be really quick, and concise. For now. I just wanted to do a video showing that on my way to living the dream, I don't really feel excited because it just feels natural, just feels right. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we get kind of excited, so called psychosis in a not so good way, because just things don't feel right. This world doesn't feel right. And I don't know how to make it feel right. But this is embodiment here. All the stuff I was talking about. And even in my first videos that I was listening to, before I took that job, that extra job. I was saying I don't know if I should work in mental health. And I was even saying I quit my other job in mental health, which I actually did end up taking back. So this is me putting mental health for a number of months, though I might still be having it on the brain. There's just a lot of garbage along the train route with garbage, old factory stuff, old industry that probably was active 10 or 20 years ago. So just within 10 or 20 years, things are just a big heaping mess of garbage. Whereas if the land was living in 10, or 20 years be flourishing. Anyway. So yeah, I'm not sure how much I get so many videos or if I want to, I think that I will, I think that I want to continue with self dialogue. Maybe some people will be willing to dialogue, on video together, because I do know that leading up to leaving, I was just really missing people. And when I was around people, I felt I felt fine. When I was just by myself, I didn't feel fine. And it's not an insecurity thing. Because I actually do really enjoy my own company. I think it's just part of how we're wired as human beings to be around people in dialogue, in friendship in community. And that's the thing about recovery. It's always Well, once you get your own place and you have your own little individual space and blah, blah, blah, these definitions of society will then you're recovered. Well. That doesn't always work long term for people. We're actually wired to be with other people. And not just in a romantic way with family and having our own family. That's one way to go about it, but it's not the only way

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