Hey, I have a proposition for you. What if? That's it. That's all. It can't get any simpler than that. What if? What if things had happened differently? What if you had been smarter, wiser, prettier, healthier, sweeter, nicer, kinder, higher, more...successful? What if? What if you had the goods? The stuff? The know how? You know what I mean? What if you had been just a little better, just a litter taller, just a little bit more than what was expected? What if you had been there? What if you had done that differently? Would things be any better? Would they really? Now, take it one step further. What if I could give it to you? What if I could give you everything you always wanted? Well, I can. That's right. You can get everything. All you have to do is keep an open mind. You see everything is everywhere. You're just not seeing it there. But it's there, everything you want, and I can show it to you. I can give you eyes to see. You see, it could be anything: money, power, fame, luck, respect, empathy. You could have it all because it's all right there staring you in the face. It's yours now. Keep it. No cost to you. Consider it a gift. You see, if you have an open mind then you're already rich. You're already powerful. You're already the most attractive person you know. Just keep an open mind, and you'll see it. Others may not, but that is because those people are close minded. But don't worry. They can't stop you from being who want to be anymore. And besides, they're just haters anyway. It doesn't matter what that say. All that matters is what you need. Is it starting to make sense yet? You see, life is perception and you have the power to change your perception any time you like. You don't need pills or costly therapies for that. Only you choose how you see yourself. The problem is that you are obsessed with the ways others see you. You need them to tell you you are the best. You crave adoration, not accomplishment, and that gets in your way. That's why you always have to make it clear to yourself that you are all that really matters. You take care of yourself first then worry about others later. That is the way to happiness. Or maybe it's not. Maybe that is just your selfishness manifesting itself. Maybe all of this self care stuff is a bit vain. Perhaps we're so obsessed with our own well being that we fail to see those suffering around us. But, oh wait, you don't care much for suffering. Let's change the subject. Let's talk more about how wonderful and unique you are. I know you love that right? Being told how smart you already are, how kind you already are, how perfect you already are. Scratch that. No one's perfect, but you come pretty close. That sounds a bit more genuine. Right? Right? Right? You tell me. You tell me what you like to hear. You control everything after all. Go on, end this little story with a guest appearance by Shrek or Kayne West or whatever the hell you like this moment. Wait, wait, wait. I have it. I finally have what you need. I promise this time. Here it is. A toilet. Why? Because you need to take everything I just said, chuck in the porcilean merry go round and give a nice sturdy flush. Your perception is meaningless. It does not alter reality in any way. You just don't see it well enough. That does not mean it is not constant. That does not mean that reality is malleable. Certain things just are. They can't be changed. The sun causes cancer. San Francisco is sinking. Gender reveal parties are a more boring version of ancient fertility rituals. We can't change some things. That makes a lot of people uncomfortable. It makes them uncomfortable because they are biologically programed to survive. Some say this is a bad thing, but it is not. You should never keep an open mind because it makes you lazy. It makes you complicit. It teaches you that gangsters are respectable individuals. Your open mind leads to consequences. It leads to war. Now kindly flush the toilet. It stinks in here.