My kids hate when water and soap get in their eyes during bath time. Maxwell, my oldest at almost 5 years old, doesn't hate it as much anymore. But with Maisie, she'll go bonkers if water and soap get in her eyes. We get around this by having her lay flat in the bath. She'll rest her head on our hands so we can wash the shampoo out of her hair like you would at a hair salon. No water or soap in the face. It all goes towards the back of the head.

Maisie loves this. She closes her eyes and just takes it all in. Almost as if she's in an actual salon or spa. It's the cutest and most precious thing.

One time this week, Maxwell got soap in his eyes and he started crying. He said he was hurting while water and soap were in his eyes. I was confused because A) the shampoo we use is tear free and B) he doesn't normally cry anymore even with soap in his eyes.

So I checked in with him. I don't want to dismiss his experience in case he is actually hurt. I looked at his face and asked, "Bud, does it really hurt? I don't see any soap in your face anymore so can you tell me where it hurts?"

He insisted that he was hurt. "Yes dad! It's really hurting!"

One thing I'm learning about my kids is when tears are for real and when they are being overdramatic. In this case, my spidey parent senses told me that it was the latter.

I lovingly invited him to reconsider.

"Bud, close your eyes for a second. I know your mind is telling you that you're feeling hurt but you know that the shampoo we get doesn't sting, remember? So just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen to your body. Try not to listen to your mind telling you it hurts. Close your eyes and see if you can really feel hurt in your body."

He doesn't always accept my invitations to reconsider, but on this night, he took a breath, settled in and closed his eyes.

"So, is your body really telling you it hurts?" I asked him.

"No it doesn't!" He quickly replied and then it was over just like that. It was as if the whole episode didn't even happen.

It occurred to me that this happens to all of us. We fall into traps of operating only from memory rather than the memory and the moment.

I had a client last week. An executive at this startup who was just brought on to lead the people operations of the org. We were coaching through a feeling she had during an executive meeting when she felt like it was her responsibility to bear the complaints of the group and fix it all for them.

"I don't know why but for some reason, I felt like these men were all looking me like I was supposed to have all the answers and fix the mess they had made."

As we probed deeper, we realized that this was often her role in all sorts of groups during her life. She was always the one bearing the brunt of the complaints and fixing everything. She thought it was her job to take it all away. She thought it was her job to make sure others felt comfortable while she took on the discomfort and internalized it for everybody, so they wouldn't have to feel that pain. In our session, she got clear that it's not how she wants to operate anymore.

Moving forward, the challenge was to notice when she is operating from memory, which is to be the savior of a group in distress. Noticing was the first step. Waking up and seeing that pattern. Building that muscle of awareness and allowing herself to be with the feelings that come with it. Sit with the feelings and not collapse into them. Once that muscle is built, then the default memory in which she operates from will no longer control her. The moment will reveal itself for what it is, and the wisdom she naturally has will know what to do or say in the moment.

Some people call that confidence. I call that a courageous act. Confidence is the result.

The work for this client is still in process but she envisions a new version of herself that's more grounded in her power. In her gifts. In her true value. And while she can feel empathy for those around her, she does not need to actually save anyone from their feelings.

The Truth That Keeps Getting Deeper

Earlier this year, I had been operating from memory with my wife.

The memory was that she kept having late nights at work and that meant I needed to be around to take care of the kids. It's hard when we're both busy because we're both driven people in our work and if we're taken out of our routine, the responsibilities at home can feel like a burden. Taking care of the kids, which should be joyful and exciting, can feel like a burden.

So for a while, I was unconsciously operating from this memory; from this narrative I attached to my wife who I made up to be my enemy. I created this story that she is unsupportive of my career pursuits and loved working late nights so she can be away from us, her family.

We were arguing more than usual.We were easily annoyed by each other.We didn't enjoy each other.

A close colleague (s/o out to you Sandy Taylor!) once told me that "doing our inner work is most of our actual job as coaches" and let me tell you, this is a truth that just keeps getting deeper. I thought my job as a coach was to support others, but in this season of my life; my job, first and foremost, is to do my actual work so that I can support others in theirs. It is most challenging when the inner work doesn't give warnings. In reality, most inner work journeys don't give you a heads up - you're just in it all of a sudden.

This can feel like a curse at first, but it truly is such a gift if you open yourself up to it and receive the message it wants to bring.

As we always have, my wife and I worked it out. I had to wake up to this version of myself who was operating from this memory that I unfairly attached to her and remember who we truly are for each other. We had to remind each other of what we want to be for each other.

It wasn't pretty. But on the other side was more depth.

A deeper connection.A deeper bond.A deeper love.

I know monogamy is a relatively new experiment in the course of human history, but I'm not sure of any another experience that allows a human to feel this kind of depth. I highly recommend it.

My friends, may you operate from memory AND the moment.

What do I mean by that?

I mean courageously wake up to how your past is still holding you back from experiencing the new thing that wants to be created in the now.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Zachary Keimig on Unsplash

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