Men are not doing well. That part is real. Isolation, father wounds, dead-end work, no tribe, no useful hardship. The market noticed. Now you can pay three to eighteen thousand dollars to get screamed at, hosed down, blindfolded, and told you are finally a man — or sit naked in a circle and pass a wooden phallus while you talk about your dad. This episode maps the industry: the $18k "alpha" crucibles, the mythopoetic warrior weekends, the dating camps that film strangers, and the wilderness programs that buried kids under the same "break him down / build him up" language. We separate initiation that has a mission from theater that has a checkout page. You cannot buy a spine. You can rent a costume.