Paging Dr. Mom with Julie La Barba, MD, FAAP

Stop saying yes to things you really don't want to do, to make time for the ones that really matter.

AKA: How to say "No!"

ARRIVAL FALLACY: Is this all there is?

When will the tasks/to do list ever end? They won't.

ABSOLUTELY YES or NO!

Figure out your priorities based on your values…your calendar should directly reflect this.

What does it look like to be a good enough wife, mom, doctor, friend?

How can we stop saying yes to what we think we SHOULD do based on others expectations and choose to prioritize what's truly the most imp to us.

Have to really look downstream to figure out exactly what we want in 5 years, 10 years, etc. THE BIG STUFF

What is urgent and what is important. Urgent often steals the white space from Important, but if we don't know what important is, it's hard to protect that time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smart-relationships/201311/why-women-have-hard-time-saying-no

Why Women Have a Hard Time Saying No

Women often play to get along, whereas men often play to win.

Kathryn J Lively Ph.D.

What's So Hard About Saying No?

Most women have a difficult time saying no, especially if they think someone's feelings may be at stake or if they think they'll not be liked. Despite what most women think, this is not some immutable gene or biological defect.

Rather, it's actually a socially learned coping mechanism that can, with a little time and attention, be unlearned.

As young children, girls are socialized to be nice and to be more in touch with their own and other people's feelings than are boys. There's nothing wrong with being nice. And there is definitely nothing wrong with being liked. Boys, on the other hand, are socialized to be less attuned to people's feelings, and to win.

What this means is that when girls and boys and women and men start playing together – and for some, dating is a game – women are at a slight disadvantage. They want to play nice, whereas guys just want to win.

As we said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to not hurt anyone's feelings as a general rule, but there is something wrong when girls, and women, learn to subject their own needs to the point that they are taken advantage or they end up doing things they don't want to do.

http://thewordgrandma.com

"Over the years I've worked with talented women from all fields. Lawyers, doctors, office managers, engineers, you name it. But one thing that even the smartest and most hard-working women have in common, is that they don't know how to say "No."

Lacking the skills of resistance can be costly, leading you to take on unreasonable workloads. You don't want to be stuck in the office at 9 p.m. on a Friday night while your friends are out having fun, all because you didn't know how to say no."

Dr. Phyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

5 situations you're going to face this year and how to gracefully decline, aka say NO! Alternatively, Offer other options and offer a solution

School volunteer ask-

standing weekly or monthly commitment:

"I'm actually on a red light status right now I'm not taking on any new projects on a regular basis."

OR

If Huge job like fundraising chair or PTO PRESIDENT:

"I know this sounds crazy but I am the President of the Smith committee (insert last name) and I really have my hands full with my own family right now"

Then ask if there's a one and done opportunity instead:

ex. Pumpkin patch monitor at the carnival, or serve booster club by monitoring concessions during a certain game

Someone asks you In the hallway/elevator - your name came up for Work volunteer commitment: ex. Lead committee on workplace professionalism

"It sounds interesting! Is there anyway you can email me the time commitment commitment and responsibilities and I can get back to you?"

If you know the answer is a hard pass:

"I so wish I could take that on but right now I would need to clone myself for that to be possible! I cannot take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me."

Title raise but no salary increase with increased workload: ex. Asst. Department Head with increased caseload but no change in pay/benefits

"I'm so honored you have this confidence in my abilities. Can you tell me more and may I sleep on it and get back to you?"

Or

"I just committed this week to —— (activity)until ———(time) but I would love to consider in the future."

Extended family obligation- ex. tradition you've taken on for years but have outgrown or need to hand off: Always hosted Christmas, cooked the turkey for

Thanksgiving or maybe host 4th of July with all the cousins, but your kids are older now or you have been invited to be a guest elsewhere

"Hey I know I traditionally hosted this holiday but would I be able to take over this other family gathering instead and hand it off to someone else this year?"

Give options and offer a solution

Social ask: luncheons, girls trips, sponsorships, fundraisers…the list goes on…

"Thank you so much for asking me - it sounds lovely & I am so grateful you guys thought of me! Unfortunately now isn't a great time."

"That doesn't work for me right now but may we set up a walk/lunch/call instead?"

https://www.thepoetrypharmacy.com

@consciouspediatrician

https://www.nationwidechildrens.org

Show Notes:

Dr. Yajnik shares authentic awareness about parenting and mindset including:

Real life struggles of working moms,

The need for support that we don't ask for.

Recognizing mom guilt and how to overcome that

Recognizing that it is hard, and we don't have to pretend that it's not.

"Your childs emotional health begins with you."

We don't realize how important our own mental health is when it comes to raising children,

and why that's so important for pediatricians to help parents understand.

"Even as a pediatrician we don't get parenting training!"

Parents are unnecessarily hard on themselves and it's time to put an end to it.

It's time to throw away the guilt and the need to be perfect.

It's time to thrive.

"Let's start by changing our perception of what's 'normal'."

Who decides what is normal anyways?

And why did that become our measure for being a good parent?

Instead, what if we redefine "normal parenting" as "conscious parenting",

where parents make choices for their families based on what works for them?

The world would feel so different.

BIO

Dr. Misha Yajnik, MD, FAAP is a Board-Certified Internal Medicine/Pediatrician with over 10 years' experience treating newborns to adolescents. Dr. Yajnik has a special interest in parenting, behavioral health, and emotional health at all ages. She truly believes in supporting parents through this amazing journey of parenting. In the changing social structure in the world, Dr. Yajnik recognizes that pediatricians are a crucial part of the support system for new parents. She values these relationships with her patients and the entire family.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals Planner FREEBIE HERE

by Dr. Martha Kenney, creator of Time Matters Today

We are half-way through 2022, and, I have a quick question for you. Have you achieved your New Year's resolutions? My guess is that most of you would say "no," because research shows that 80% of people abandon their New Year's resolutions by the beginning of February. Why? Because although New Year's resolutions may be the closest that most people will get to planning their goals in life, resolutions are more an expression of desires rather than "true goals."

Vaguely stated goals that lack relevance to your values and are not informed by the habits that you need to achieve them are not goals but wishful thinking.

Therefore, it is not surprising that 80% of people abandon their resolutions by February.

So, how can you make realistic and attainable goals in life? I encourage you to use the SMART goals template. SMART is an acronym that stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time bound. Setting SMART goals allows you to know exactly where you want to go, how quickly you want to get there, and how many steps it will take to get there." - Dr. Martha Kenney, Time Matters Today

Click here https://www.timematterstoday.com/blog/achievingyourgoalsinlife for Dr. Kenney's FREE downloadable template that provides specific and detailed questions for each SMART component and a goal planner that can help you clearly define your goals in life.

Understanding SMART Goals

S – Specific

A goal that is specific answers the 5-Ws: "who, what, where, when, and why."

M – Measurable

You need criteria to determine when you have successfully achieved your SMART goal. You also should have milestones or benchmarks that can track your progress.

For instance, "I want to exercise for 30 minutes daily at least 5 times per week," is measurable compared to "I want to exercise more."

A – Achievable and [Audacious]

Audacious is not part of the SMART acronym but I believe it should be. Often, we think that if a goal is achievable, it shouldn't be bold. However, a goal can be both bold and achievable. I believe that part of the purpose of making goals is to push yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and attain something that you don't already have.

So, you don't have to play it safe. Be bold. However, if you don't have the resources or skills to achieve your goal, identify how you can acquire those skills and resources. Or are there mentors or colleagues or friends who can fill in the gap and provide what you are lacking in skills?

R – Relevant

Your goal should be important to you. Each goal should really be a component of the bigger picture of who you want to be and where you want to go either personally or professionally. And, if it is a professional goal, it should align with the bigger mission of your organization.

T – Time-bound

Time is finite. Therefore, we don't have endless amount of time to achieve our goals. Therefore, your goal should have an associated deadline or timeframe that motivates you to action.

Now that you understand the SMART goals template, let me share with you some principles that can help you maximize the usefulness of SMART goals.

Tune in as we review 7 Steps to put the SMART goals template to use and achieve your goals in life

Tune in with Dr. Martha Kenney who knows how much your time matters.

Time management isn't just about productivity, not is it about doing MORE things. It's about freeing up your time and energy to do the RIGHT things. And "the right things" are those things that line up with your personal values.

Martha references Alice in Wonderland: If you don't know where you're going then why should it matter which path you take? Any one will do if you don't have a true "destination" in mind.

BIO:

Dr. Martha Kenney is a board certified pediatrician and pediatric anesthesiologist, wife and mother of two young children who understands how it feels to juggle multiple roles and competing demands. She recently transitioned from a fully clinical role to building a research career centered on improving pain outcomes in sickle cell disease. This career shift has led her to look at productivity and time management in a way that brings more fulfillment to life and work. Her goal is to help other ambitious women manage their time through the articles and resources on her website: www.timematterstoday.com.

Books referenced:

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

James Clear's Atomic Habits An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones-The Life Changing Million Copy Bestseller

https://www.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Changing-Million-Bestseller/dp/B09GG8HM95/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1661031435&sr=8-1

Dinner with adolescents:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JzmReRnWJ04_PANtpxe-cS6DibF28a4cG5l1INHdbgQ/edit#heading=h.96phn4gm8y38

Reducing conflict at the table:

https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food-for-thought/how-to-beat-tension-and-conflict-from-your-family-dinner/

The Family Dinner Project:

thefamilydinnerproject.org

@thefamilydinnerproject

thefamilydinnerproject.org

MAKING THE MOST OF DINNER WITH ADOLESCENTS

Beat Dinner Table Tension for Good - The Family Dinner Project

Home for Dinner: Mixing Food, Fun, and Conversation for a Happier Family and Healthier Kids (Harper Collins, 2015)

Eat, Laugh, Talk: The Family Dinner Playbook (Familius, 2019).

WHY THE FAMILY DINNER PROJECT?

Research shows most think eating family dinner is a good idea, but fewer than 1/2 of American families do so. 70% of meals are eaten outside of the home and 20% in the car!

The Family Dinner Project is all about the not perfect but "good enough" meal to inspire families to get back to the diner table.

Bottom line: studies show regular family dinners reduce high-risk teenage behaviors such as: substance abuse, smoking, eating disorders, behavioral problems in school. Family dinner is also correlated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Dr. Fishel shares what motivated her in 2010 to create the Family Dinner Project and the evidence based benefits to the BODY (eating at home is healthier: lower rates of childhood obesity), BRAIN (cognitive benefits: school readiness, earlier reading and higher academic performance) & SPIRIT (mental health benefits: family dinner is a more powerful deterrent against high-risk adolescent behaviors than attending church or getting good grades!).

WHY DOES FAMILY DINNER HAVE SUCH AN IMPACT?

Long ago families had built in connections throughout the day, now we can all be "together" in the same house and be completely disconnected. Who doesn't sometimes text their kids in their own home?

The real power of family dinner is that it provides a reliable time for parents and kids to connect with one another- face to face! At its core family dinner is a ritual with scripted and unscripted parts! Assigned seats, same meal rotation but new conversations re: what's happening in kids' lives and world events.

Family dinner is an opportunity for :

1. Early detection of problems and conflicts in your child's life.
2. Storytelling, which is the main way we all make sense of the world!

HOW DO WE DEFINE FAMILY DINNER ANYWAY?

Ideally, NOT "Leave it to Beaver" but hopefully more of a "team sport" with many hands making lighter work.

For single parents or other families with a traveling parent, just 2 people have to eat together for it to be considered a family meal.

Take Out OK too! If a meal is eaten with conversation and story telling, that's a family dinner.

Once a week is better than none, and it doesn't have to be dinner. Possibilities: 7 breakfasts, 7 dinners, 2 weekend lunches, and even nighttime snacks! Goal is not to achieve a magic number but just to increase connection.

WHAT GETS IN THE WAY AND WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM FAMILIES AND RESEARCHERS?

Lack of Time

Hard work of making dinner

Picky Eaters

Too much tension and conflict at the table

Teens not wanting to eat with parents

Solutions: Flexible courses, push back on culture of extra time commitments, share the load, make double batches, cook with shortcuts, deconstructed ingredients for picky eaters but no bribes, go easy on criticism and avoid hot button topics. 80% of teens value family meals but it needs to be a bridge to their world, not a place where they feel like they can't be themselves.

Dr. Fishel shares her own experiences with her mom, Edith's, "speedy" cooking and her dad, James's, world class storytelling.

She is forthright re: experience as a working mom getting dinner on the table with 2 sons, sees dinner as an adjunct to family therapy and employs past family dinner experiences as a powerful teaching tool for psychiatry residents studying family dynamics.

BIO

Anne Fishel, Ph.D. is a family therapist, clinical psychologist, and Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School. She is Director of the Family and Couple Therapy Program at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) in Boston, MA. Dr. Fishel is also the executive director and co-founder of The Family Dinner Project, a non-profit initiative, based at MGH, that helps families on-line and in communities to have better and more frequent family dinners. She is the author of Home for Dinner: Mixing Food, Fun, and Conversation for a Happier Family and Healthier Kids (Harper Collins, 2015) and the co-author of Eat, Laugh, Talk: The Family Dinner Playbook (Familius, 2019).

The Book

Blog - Tired Superheroine

Epic Failures Revealed! 7 Things to Keep You Going Strong on a Path to Becoming a Doctor https://view.flodesk.com/pages/5f9f6ea4d722c94789d1962f

http://instagram.com/tiredsuperheroine

Bio/Show Notes:

Barbara Hamilton, MD is an interventional radiologist, leader, and the author of Save Lives, Enjoy Your Own: Finding Your Place in Medicine. She helps aspiring & early career doctors succeed in the surgically-oriented and traditionally male-dominated fields by pulling back the curtain on what it looks like to be a woman and parent in medicine. Ultimately, she strives to be an example of what is possible for those who would follow in her footsteps.Through her writing, speaking, and coaching, she aims to patch the leaky pipeline of women aspiring to the male-dominated fields, so more talented people of diverse backgrounds can join her as they transition into fulfilling, multifaceted lives as attending physicians.

How do you know where you really belong, if there's no female role model around to show the way?

THE CONCEPT:

SAVE LIVES, ENJOY YOUR OWN

This book is about finding your inner direction and following it, despite what other people may say.

If you're interested in a male-dominated field of medicine, this book is for you.

Excerpt from podcast interview with page references in

Save Lives, Enjoy Your Own: Finding Your Place in Medicine

Know yourself and the lifestyle you want: p. 54

Know your audience: p. 59, 65

Comparison trap: p. 72

Flexibility, inevitable failure at some point: p. 125 : Epic Failures Revealed!

7 Things to Keep You Going Strong on a Path to Becoming a Doctor (recording)

• Biochemistry by skin of her teeth
• Weak stomach in anatomy even though you wanted to be a surgeon
• Fish out of water: Peds rotation- OF ALL ROTATIONS TO CRY!
• "Discomfort is the currency of your dreams" Brooke Castillo
• Boys Club, some inevitable humiliation, people not getting your name straight w the only other female resident
• Perseverance: teaching award, mistake

Questions Dr. Hamilton addresses head on:

What has been the most challenging part of merging motherhood and medicine?

What is a key foundational practice without which you wouldn't have accomplished all you have?