Paper Napkin Wisdom 356 - Edge of the Napkin #33
There's a moment before things go wrong.
You don't always see it right away, but you can feel it if you're paying attention. The energy shifts. The noise starts to rise. People begin reacting before anything has actually happened.
It's subtle at first, and then it builds.
If you've ever been on a bench, in a meeting, or in a conversation that matters, you know this moment. It's the point where the outcome is still undecided, but something inside the environment has already started to tilt.
Most people miss it because they are focused on what is happening around them. They are watching the play, the numbers, the surface-level signals.
But the real game has already started somewhere else.
Inside.
And over the years, I've come to understand something that changed how I lead, how I coach, and how I show up in pressure situations.
The game is rarely lost because of skill.
It's lost because of state.
The Best Seat in the House
I've been coaching my son and his teammates for many years now, and it has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.
What makes it even more interesting is this. These young men are better hockey players than I have ever been. At this stage, their skill level, their speed, their instincts, they are operating at a level I simply never reached.
And that's not something I resist. It's something I genuinely enjoy.
Because it gives me the best seat in the house.
I get to watch them grow. I get to watch them compete. I get to watch them figure things out in real time.
And at some point early on, I had to get very clear with myself. If I am not the best player on the ice, and I'm not the one showing them how to execute at their level, then what exactly am I here to do?
Yes, I understand the game. Yes, I can contribute strategy, positioning, systems, all of that matters.
But that's not the highest value I can bring to that bench.
The real opportunity is leadership.
Helping these young men become the kind of people who can handle pressure, who can stay grounded when things get chaotic, who can think clearly when it matters most.
Not just hockey players. Leaders.
There Is Never Enough Time
One of the biggest challenges in coaching is that there is never enough time.
Practices are short. Games are intense. The windows for connection are limited. You don't always get the one-on-one conversations you want to have.
So over time, I started to look for different ways to reach them. Ways that didn't rely on long speeches or perfect timing. Ways that could create impact quickly, but still land deeply.
I wanted them to feel seen. Not just evaluated.
I wanted them to understand their value beyond performance.
And earlier this season, we did something that changed the dynamic of the team in a way I didn't fully anticipate.
The Exercise That Shifted Everything
I handed every player a sheet of paper and gave them two simple instructions.
Give gratitude. Receive it.
Each player wrote something meaningful about another teammate. Not surface-level comments. Not "good job" or "nice play."
Something real. Something specific.
What they appreciated about them on the ice, and what they appreciated about them away from the game.
Then they passed the sheet.
Another player wrote. Then another. And another.
By the time it came back around, every player had a page filled with how they were seen by the people they compete with every day.
And then we did the part that mattered most.
We gave it back out loud.
One by one, they handed the sheets to each other and said it.
"I'm grateful for you because…"
That moment changed the room.
You could feel it physically. The tension dropped. The walls came down. Players who normally stayed quiet leaned in. Players who rarely showed emotion started to feel something.
This was no longer about hockey.
This was about identity.
The Bus Ride That Locked It In
We didn't just leave it there. We got on a bus and headed to an Ottawa Senators game, carrying that energy with us.
On the bus, we reflected.
What did you hear about yourself? What surprised you? What stuck with you?
The answers were incredible.
You could see players sitting differently. Talking differently. Thinking differently.
They weren't just a team anymore. They were connected.
And then something happened that caught my attention.
They started sharing what they saw in me.
What Actually Landed
I expected them to talk about hockey. Systems. Strategy. Decisions.
They didn't.
They talked about calm.
They said they appreciated how steady I was. They said it didn't matter what was happening in the game, my demeanor stayed the same. They said I listened, that I gave everyone a voice, that I didn't overreact.
That's what landed.
Not what I said.
What I was.
And it made me realize something important.
The thing you think you're teaching is rarely the thing that transfers.
The thing you model always does.
The Semifinal
Last night put all of this to the test.
Semifinals. One game. Winner moves on.
And there was history.
The same team we lost to last year. A game we controlled but couldn't finish. A loss that stayed with us for a long time.
So this wasn't just another game.
We took the ice, and you could feel it right away. The tension was high, especially on the bench.
We were up by one after the first period. That's not a comfortable lead. That's a fragile one.
As the game progressed, we started to pull away. The score moved in our favor, but something else started to shift at the same time.
When the Energy Turns
The other team got more physical. They started targeting our key players.
That's part of hockey. When you control the puck, the other team reacts.
But perception changes quickly in those moments. It starts to feel personal. It starts to feel like something needs to be answered.
And our bench started to feel it.
Voices got louder. Comments got sharper. Energy started to move in a direction that could easily take us out of the game.
This is the moment where most teams lose themselves.
Not when they are down. Not when they are up.
Right here, when emotion starts to take control.
The Decision
I stepped in.
Not loudly. Not emotionally.
Calm.
We don't do that here.
We stay calm.
That was it.
It wasn't a speech. It wasn't a correction filled with emotion.
It was a reminder of who we are.
Because culture is not built in easy moments. It is reinforced in hard ones.
The Moment That Decides the Outcome
At the end of the game, the situation escalated.
The other team had nothing to lose, so they crossed the line. Punches were thrown. Chaos broke out.
And my players made a decision.
They didn't fight back.
They put their hands up. They skated away.
One of them, blood on his face, still chose not to react.
That moment decided the next game.
Because if they had reacted, they would have been suspended.
No final. Season over.
Instead, they stayed calm.
And that is not accidental.
That is conditioned.
Where Calm Changes Everything
The referees had to sort everything out. It was messy and unclear.
Most coaches would be yelling in that moment. Demanding answers. Trying to control the situation.
I didn't.
I stood there. I waited. I trusted the process.
When they came over, the first thing they said was thank you.
Thank you for being patient. Thank you for staying calm.
Then they explained their decision.
No suspensions.
Good luck in the finals.
I walked back into the room and shared the news with the team.
Calmly.
And you could feel the impact of that moment.
Calm Is the Vessel
I teach the Magnetic Leadership framework often.
Confidence. Congruence. Calm. Contribution.
But this experience clarified something even deeper.
Calm is the vessel.
Confidence gives you belief in yourself. Congruence builds trust with others.
But calm is what allows you to access both of those when it matters.
When you are calm, you can think clearly. You can see what is actually happening. You can choose your response instead of reacting automatically.
Without calm, everything tightens.
With calm, everything opens.
5 Key Takeaways from This Episode
1. Calm is something you build, not something you wait for
You don't suddenly become calm in big moments. You practice it in small ones.
Take Action: Decide in advance how you want to show up under pressure and rehearse it.
2. Your presence is more powerful than your instruction
People feel your state before they process your words.
Take Action: Pay attention to your tone and energy in your next high-stakes interaction.
3. Consistency creates trust
Calm only works if it is consistent. Not occasional.
Take Action: Identify where your reactions are unpredictable and bring awareness there.
4. Calm creates better decisions
When you are regulated, you have access to better thinking.
Take Action: Take one breath before responding in tense situations.
5. Leadership begins with self-regulation
You cannot lead others if you are not leading yourself.
Take Action: Ask yourself in any moment of pressure, what state am I bringing into this?
Final Thought
The most important moments are not always the loudest ones.
They are the quiet decisions you make when everything inside you wants to react.
Who you choose to be in those moments defines everything that follows.
Calm does not remove pressure.
It allows you to use it.
Take Action
What does calm look like for you when it matters most?
Write it on a napkin.
Share it.
Tag #PaperNapkinWisdom
