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Parashat Lech Lecha- Peace in the Family – It’s Worth It!

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זמן מתן תורתנו Celebrating OUR Acceptance of the Torah It is customary on Shavuot to read Megilat Rut , which tells the famous story of Rut, a woman from the nation of Moav who decided to join the Jewish Nation. There is a certain irony in the fact that on this day, when we celebrate Matan Torah , we focus our attention on the story of somebody whose ancestors were not present at that event. Why would we do this? If this day is all about the commemoration of our receiving the Torah at Sinai, then why would we read the story of Rut, a convert, whose forebears did not stand at Sinai? The answer is that this question is based on a faulty assumption. Surprising as it may sound, and contrary to popular belief, Shavuot does NOT, in fact, commemorate our ancestors’ receiving the Torah at Sinai. In our tefilah , we refer to Shavuot as זמן מתן תורתנו – “the time when our Torah was given.” This holiday is not about the giving of the Torah , but rather the receiving of our Torah. Meaning, we celebrate our acceptance of the Torah, our commitment, the decision we’ve made to lovingly embrace the Torah, its laws, its values, and the lifestyle it requires. We celebrate on Shavuot our recognition and appreciation of just how wonderful and precious the Torah and Torah life are, such that it is worth making every one of the sacrifices that the Torah demands. Yes, the Torah requires us to sacrifice certain things, but it is so worth it. We sacrifice to observe Shabbat, but there is nothing that compares to the joy and serenity that Shabbat gives us. And the same is true of all the mitzvot . Nobody exemplifies this appreciation of the preciousness of Torah life more than Rut. She was a princess, the daughter of the king of Moav, and grew up in his palace. She married a Jewish man who had come to live in Moav with his family, and he died, leaving her no children. His brother and father also died. The most natural decision for her to make at that point was to return to her father’s palace. But instead, she chose to join her penniless mother-in-law back to the Land of Israel, and become part of Am Yisrael . In order to survive, she needed to go into other people’s fields, and pick stalks of grain one at a time. What’s more, she did not expect to be able to remarry, because the Torah forbids marrying someone from the nation of Moav. Only later was it determined that this prohibition applies only to the men of Moav, but not to the women. Rut sacrificed everything for the sake of joining the Jewish Nation, because she – more than anybody else – recognized the unparalleled beauty of Torah life. The story ends by showing us that ultimately, Rut was blessed and rewarded for her willingness to sacrifice for the sake of Torah. She married a wealthy man – Boaz – and became the great-grandmother of King David, the matriarch of the royal family and of Mashiah . We read the story of Rut on Shavuot precisely because we are celebrating מתן תורתנו , our acceptance of the Torah, regarding which Rut is our most inspirational role model. A famous Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (6:4) teaches: כך היא דרכה של תורה, פת במלח תאכל ומים במשורה תשתה ועל הארץ תישן וחיי צער תחיה ובתורה אתה עמל. This is the path of Torah: You eat [only] bread with salt, you drink water in rations, you sleep on the ground, and you live a life of discomfort – and yet you toil in Torah. The Rabbis explain that the Mishnah here does not require living in poverty. Self-deprivation is not at all a prerequisite for living a Torah life. But the Mishnah is telling us that even if this were what we needed to do in order to learn and observe the Torah, we must do it. Torah is that important, and that valuable. It is worth sacrificing all the world’s comforts and delights in order to live a Torah life – and nobody shows us this more clearly than Rut. Let us all reinforce not only our commitment to Torah, but our appreciation of Torah, our recognition of how blessed and fortunate we are to be able to live a Torah life, and we will then be readily prepared to make the sacrifices necessary for Torah, understanding that each and every sacrifice is worth it.

Shavuot- Celebrating OUR Acceptance of the Torah

There is a halachah which, at first glance, does not seem to have any practical relevance to us, but in truth, as the Vilna Gaon explained, conveys a vitally important lesson for each and every person. The halachah addresses the situation of a person who owns a field that is surrounded by other fields on all four sides. If the owner of one of the four adjacent fields decides to erect a wall between his field and the middle field, he cannot legally demand that the owner of the middle field share the expenses. Since it was his decision to build the fence, he cannot force the owner of the field in the middle to pay for part of the wall. The same is true if the owners of two of the other fields build fences. Even the owner of the middle field benefits from these three fences, which separate between his field and three of the four adjacent fields, he does not have to pay, since the owners of the other fields decided on their own to build the fences. However, if this fellow now decides to erect a fence on the fourth side so that his field will be completely protected, then the owners of the other three fences can now come back to him and demand that he pay his fair share for those three fences. The reason is that by fencing in the fourth side, the owner of the middle field shows that he is happy with having these fences built, that he wants his field to be protected on all sides. And once he demonstrates that he wants these walls, he is obligated to help pay for them. The Vilna Gaon pointed to this halachah as a symbolic expression of a very common phenomenon. The vast majority of us complain about the “walls” that go up around us. We complain about our spouse, our kids, our schools, our shuls, our rabbis, our political leaders, our neighbors, and so many other things. We talk about how terrible these “walls” are, how difficult and unhappy a life we have. But that all changes once the “fourth wall” goes up – when we go through some kind of scare. When we feel that our life is threatened, such as if we face a medical issue, Heaven forbid, we all of a sudden realize how much we want these “walls,” how much we love our life and do not wish for it to end. Instead of complaining about the “walls,” about the things in our lives which aren’t quite right, we should be focusing on growing and being the best version of ourselves. Blaming other people or circumstances is never going to help us. What will help us is putting in the work to make ourselves and our lives better. Parashat Behukotai begins with Hashem’s promises of great reward for observing the mitzvot . Hashem assures us that we will receive these blessings אם בחוקותי תלכו ואת מצוותי תשמרו – “If you follow My statutes, and observe My commands.” Rashi famously explains that these two phrases – אם בחוקותי תלכו and ואת מצוותי תשמרו – refers to two different things. The second ( ואת מצוותי תשמרו ) refers to fulfilling the mitzvot , but the first ( אם בחוקותי תלכו ) means שתהיו עמלים בתורה – that we “toil in Torah.” Only if we do both – fulfill the mitzvot and “toil in Torah” – will we be deserving of these great rewards. It isn’t enough to learn Torah; we have to “toil,” and invest hark work and effort. Complaining is the opposite of עמלות , of hard work. We complain so that we can blame other people and other things for our problems and our failures, such that we don’t have to bother doing anything about it, since it’s all someone else’s fault. We can just sit back and complain, instead of working. שתהיו עמלים בתורה means that we need to work, not complain. We need to accept the reality the way it is, and work to make ourselves better. If we can make this shift in our mindset, we will unlock so much of our power, so much of our inner potential, and we will achieve far more than we ever imagined we could.

Working Instead of Complaining

The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (4:1) famously teaches, איזהו חכם הלומד מכל אדם – “Who is wise? He who learns from all people.” The Mishnah here defines the term חכם as referring to a person who learns from everyone. In a different context, however, the Rabbis seem to give us a different definition of the word חכם (“wise”). The Gemara, in Masechet Kiddushin (49b), addresses the case of somebody who betroths a woman on the condition that “I am wise” ( על מנת שאני חכם ). How do we know if the kiddushin (betrothal) is valid? How “wise” does this man have to be for the condition to have been fulfilled, such that the woman is now married to him? The Gemara states: כל ששואלים אותו דבר חכמה בכל מקום ואומרה – if he is proficient enough that he can answer Torah questions on any topic. Even if he is not an outstanding scholar, the kiddushin is valid if he is generally knowledgeable about Torah law. How do we reconcile these two sources? How can the Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot define a חכם as somebody who learns from all people, while the Gemara defines it as somebody with broad knowledge and proficiency? We find the answer in the commentary of Rav Ovadia Bartenura to this Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot . He explains the question of איזהו חכם to mean – “Who is the person who deserves praise for his wisdom?” In other words, the Mishnah here is not defining the word חכם . The definition of this term is taught to us by the Gemara in Masechet Kiddushin. Rather, the Mishnah is teaching us what kind of wisdom deserves our admiration and praise – the wisdom of הלומד מכל אדם – of having the humility and openness to learn from the people around us. We are naturally inclined to see other people’s faults, but not our own faults. We are naturally inclined to see other people’s mistakes, but not our own mistakes. We are naturally inclined to notice what other people don’t know, but not what we don’t know. We feel uncomfortable admitting that there are things that other people do better than we do, or that other people know more about than we do. So we live in denial. As the prophet Yirmiyahu (9:5) bemoans, שבתך בתוך מרמה – “You reside in the midst of deception.” We live in a state of self-deception, fooling ourselves into thinking that we have it right, and other people have it wrong. This is why the Mishnah teaches that the חכם , the person who deserves praise for his wisdom, is הלומד מכל אדם , the person who can overcome this natural tendency, and be open to learning from all people. If a person is naturally bright, and so he has amassed a lot of knowledge, this isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. The most praiseworthy חכם is the one who is not afraid to acknowledge that he has what to learn from the people around him, who is open to learning from other people, rather than always assuming that he knows better. The Hebrew term for a Torah scholar is תלמיד חכם , which literally means “a wise student.” When we refer to Hacham Ovadia Yosef zt”l or Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l as a תלמיד חכם , we are saying that they were students . Yes, they were students, throughout their lives. They reached the towering heights that they reached specifically because they never ceased being students, they never felt that they knew enough, they always strove for more, and they always realized that there was more for them to learn and more room to grow. As we draw closer to the Yom Tov of Shavuot, when we reaffirm our קבלת התורה (acceptance of the Torah), let us remind ourselves what accepting the Torah means. It requires us to have the humility to recognize that we have more to learn, that we are not always correct, that we do not have all the answers, that we do not do everything right, that we have so much more growing to do. It is only if we live with this humility that we will be able to learn and grow so we can achieve to our full potential.

The Humility to Learn and Grow

The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (3:5) cites the following teaching from Rabbi Nehunya Ben Ha’kaneh: כל המקבל עליו עול תורה, מעבירין ממנו עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ. וכל הפורק ממנו עול תורה, נותנין עליו עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ. Whoever accepts upon himself the yoke of Torah – the yoke of the government and the yoke of worldly needs are removed from him. And whoever removes from himself the yoke of Torah – the yoke of the government and the yoke of worldly needs are placed upon him. What exactly is the Mishnah’s message? How does this happen – that a person who accepts the burden of Torah is relieved of burdens which he would otherwise bear? To answer this question, let us revisit one of the most famous stories in the Tanach . Beneh Yisrael were fighting a war against a militarily superior enemy – the Pelishtim . The Pelishtim sent their general – a frightening giant named Golyat – to frighten and intimidate Beneh Yisrael . Each day, Golyat would approach Beneh Yisrael ’s encampment to frighten them. He would shout at them, challenging them to send someone to fight against him, and ridiculing them for being so weak and for waging a war they had no chance of winning. Finally, one day, a young, untrained youngster approached the king, Shaul, and said he was prepared to take on this giant, confident that he could defeat Golyat. Shaul asked him why he was so sure, and the boy explained that he worked as a shepherd tending to his father’s flocks, and there were times when lions and bears came to attack the sheep. He successfully fended them off, killing them. If he could kill the lions and bears, this boy confidently asserted, then he could kill Golyat, too. Shaul sent the boy to confront Golyat, and he killed the giant with his slingshot, sending a stone directly to Golyat’s forehead. This boy, of course, was David, who eventually became king. Let’s imagine for a moment what would have happened if Yishai, David’s father, decided that it was too dangerous for his young son to be out in the fields with the sheep. What would have happened if instead of sending David out there, with the all the risks that lurk, he overprotected him, giving him a safe, undemanding job indoors? David would never have gained the skills he needed to defeat Golyat. He would never have become the great general that he was, and he would not have then become the great king that he was. Parents do their children no favors by shielding them from challenges, from difficult situations, from disappointment. Because, as every single adult knows very well, life is full of challenges, difficult situations, and disappointment. While we of course need to protect our children from real danger, we must not protect them from the risk of failure and frustration. To the contrary, the only way they will develop the strength, toughness, and skills needed to persevere, to handle and overcome adversity, is by allowing them to experience adversity when they are young. If a kid brings him a failing grade on a test, the parent’s response should not be, “Ok, I’ll speak to the teacher and ask to go easier on you next time.” If a kid got into a fight, the parent’s response should not be, “Ok, I’ll call the other kid’s parents and work it out for you.” Absolutely, we must shower our kids with love, and show them that we support them unconditionally and are always trying to understand them. But we need to also allow them to take control of their problems, to learn to handle disappointment, and to grow accustomed to dealing with hardship. I once sat on a panel with an experienced school principal to discuss issues in education. A parent in the audience asked what to do when a kid comes home from school upset because he was cut from the basketball team. My co-panelist’s answer was, in my mind, brilliant. He said: “Let him realize that this is how life works. Sometimes you’re not as good as everyone else, and so you can’t play. Sometimes, other people will win, and you will lose.” This is the harsh reality of life, and something that parents must train their children to recognize. Let us return to the Mishnah cited above. The Mishnah is teaching us that there will always be an עול , a “yoke,” a burden. Life is full of burdens; there is no escaping it, no matter how smart, wealthy, or socially adept a person is. In order to prepare our children for these burdens, we place upon them the עול תורה , the burden of Torah obligation, already when they’re young. Before they go out into the world, before they experience real challenges and real hardships, we train them to accept and to submit to the “burden” of Torah. We set limits on their behavior, and we have them develop discipline and restraint. By training our children to accept the עול תורה , we make it so much easier for them later on, when they confront the עול מלכות ועול דרך ארץ , the inevitable burdens of life, which they will be fully prepared to confront. We hope and pray that Hashem make our children’s lives pleasant and smooth. But even as we pray, we are to prepare them for the realities of life by training them to yield to the עול תורה , to the obligations that the Torah assigns to us.

Preparing Our Kids for Life’s Burdens

The Torah commands in Parashat Kedoshim (19:16), לא תלך רכיל בעמך – introducing the prohibition against gossiping, sharing negative information about other people. Why do so money people indulge in gossip? Why are there those who spend entire Shabbat and holiday meals talking about how other people dress, about other people’s houses, about other people’s marriages (or divorces), other people’s kids, and about other people in general? Why do people make these things the topics of their conversations? The most likely answer is that other people’s problems are a distraction from our own problems. By thinking and talking about other people’s issues, we can temporarily escape from our own issues, and this feels soothing. We find comfort in gossip because it enables us to take our minds away from our struggles, from the difficulties that we face in our own lives. But diverting our attention away from our struggles means diverting our attention away from our goals, from our purpose in life, from the hard work that we should be investing to make the most of our brief sojourn through this world. This is part of what makes gossip so dangerous. Primarily, of course, gossip is wrong because it damages other people’s reputations. But beyond the harm inflicted on others, by talking gossip we also harm ourselves. The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (3:1) teaches: הסתכל בשלשה דברים ואין אתה בא לידי עבירה . דע מאין באת, ולאן אתה הולך, ולפני מי אתה עתיד ליתן דין וחשבון . מאין באת, מטפה סרוחה . ולאן אתה הולך, למקום עפר רמה ותולעה. ולפני מי אתה עתיד ליתן דין וחשבון, לפני מלך מלכי המלכים הקדוש ברוך הוא. Look at three things, and you will never come upon sin: know from where you came, to where you are going, and before Whom you will in the future make an accounting. From where did you come? From a putrid drop. Where are you going? To a place of earth, rot and worms. Before Whom will you in the future make an accounting? Before the King of king, the Holy One, blessed be He. The message of this Mishnah can be summarized in a single word: focus . The Mishnah is teaching us how to remain focused on what really matters, on what is really important, on our purpose in life. In the moment, it seems that the gossip we are sharing is really something important. That other couple’s divorce, that other kid’s expulsion from school, the scandal involving some well-known figure in the community…it seems like a really, really big deal, something that we need to talk about over and over again. But the truth is that it’s really just a distraction. Talking about these things are not going to move us forward. It will not help us achieve our goals. It will not help us realize the purpose for which Hashem brought us into the world. This is one of our greatest challenges – to stay focused, and not be distracted by the nonsense that seems so big, so important, but in truth is actually diverting our attention away from what is really big and really important. This is such a difficult challenge, that we pray each and every day that Hashem helps us overcome it. Following ברכות השחר , the series of berachot we recite each morning, we add a prayer asking Hashem to save us from things like יצר הרע (the evil inclination), חבר רע (a bad friend), and שכן רע (a bad neighbor). This prayer includes a request that we be protected from לשון הרע (negative talk). One understanding is that this means we should be saved from people who might wish to speak לשון הרע about us. Alternatively, however, this might mean that we pray to be saved from the lure to speak לשון הרע , to indulge in gossip. We ask Hashem to help us stay focused on what really matters, rather than allow ourselves to get distracted by nonsense such as other people’s private affairs. Let us stop wasting time on nonsense, on what other people are doing. Let’s instead focus as much as we can on what’s really important, on making our lives meaningful by achieving meaningful goals.

Parashat Lech Lecha- Peace in the Family – It’s Worth It!

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