Parent Like You Mean It

Then, there is Emile Ratelband, a Dutch TV host and “positivity guru” who attempted to legally change his age from 69 to 49, because he didn’t FEEL 69-years-old. As Ratelband put it: Emile’s logic may SOUND true. But it’s simply not ROOTED in truth. Now, we used to joke about pastors never letting facts get in the way of a good story for their sermon… but that was in regards to which of his three kids slipped going up the stairs, or was the line at the grocery store three people deep or ten… not whether it was a guy in front of the line or a girl… or a guy who was identifying as a girl. Which brings me to the birds and the bees... or rather, the X’s and the Y’s. In high school, there were some guys who felt more comfortable hanging out with girls and vice versa. There were girls who hated the idea of jelly shoes and high bangs, so they opted for trucker hats and high-tops… if you know what I mean. BUT, they were still definitely girls. We were taught very succinctly that there was no getting around our chromosomal make up – either we had two X chromosomes, making us a girl; or an X and a Y chromosome, m

My kids don’t get in much trouble for doing bad stuff at home. I have four boys, and they hit each other. They tease, trash talk, and put one another down. They leave their clothes lying on the bathroom floor and leave their dirty dishes on the table. They skip doing their homework and thus perform poorly on tests. And, yeah, they may get reprimanded for these or any of the other infractions they commit in regards to our house rules… but there are few “sins” under our roof worse than LYING. It’s when they hit their brother and then lie about it that they get busted. It’s when they lie, and say that their homework is done when it’s actually not, when things start to get ugly. It’s when truth is abandoned that the kraken of discipline is released. But, when I take a giant step backward and observe the culture surrounding my kids… who can blame them? Why should they live under the tyrannical governance of “truth”, when truth and facts are as relevant as a brontosaurus or a cosmic black hole… I mean, yeah, these things may have existed once upon a time. They may have even played a vital role in daily life here on earth, or even in the existence of the cosmos… but dinosaurs and supernovas don’t directly affect my kids’ lives today. How sad is it that the same can be said about truth? In 2016, the Oxford Dictionary actually recognized the term “post-truth” as its international word of the year. Post-truth is an actual thing! 

In other words, our culture is more swayed by peoples’ moods than objective facts. Consider the story of “Hampster Girl”. No, I’m not referring to a new Marvel comic book character, but I’m talking about a young professional writer who had an interesting disagreement with her editor. According to Carol Blymire’s Twitter stream, this young writer was so distraught after receiving constructive criticism from her editor that she called her mother, put her on speaker phone, and kept saying: 

Blymire Tweeted her perspective, which coincides with my own. She wrote:

we should acknowledge them. When they fail, we should encourage them. When they are defiant, we should discipline and guide them. And when they are repentant, we must forgive them and always walk alongside them. But, meanwhile, the best thing we can do is to keep doing our best. Don’t put all the blame on yourself for their bad behavior, and hold them responsible for their own actions while always taking responsibility of your own in loving, raising and caring for them. Be open to the possibility that the weight just may be too heavy for your own shoulders and it may be time to bring in a relief pitcher (forgive me for mixing my metaphors), or a mentor for them - someone who you trust and your kid trusts who can guide them toward wisdom in your stead.

As a kid, I remember my mind being blown by this type of mind control. Whatever this thing called “The Force” was that Old Ben Kenobi had mastered, it had to be the coolest thing in the universe!   As a kid, I dreamt up opportunities using The Force to get my way with the teachers: You don’t need to assign any homework today!  Or my coaches: Jefferson should start every game despite the fact that he can’t hit a curveball! Just imagine the possibilities! Now, flashforward with me 38 years and several sequels later to the movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”. In the middle of the movie, I - now a full-fledged grown up geek with little Star Wars nerds of my own - witnessed not the wise Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, but a complete neophyte to The Force... someone who had hardly even heard the words “The Force” used together in a sentence… we saw Rey, who was being held captive say to a Stormtrooper:

“You will remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open.. And you’ll drop your weapon.”

 … and he did!! 

Suddenly, the powerful, mind control power of the Force was little more than a cool parlor trick that nearly anyone can pull off. But again, I ask (and you are probably, as well): What does any of this have to do with raising kids today? 

Well, fasten your seatbelts and prepare for light speed, because here we go: Too many parents today think that they can simply use The Force on their kids in order to instill a proper moral compass in them.  They think that by waving a magic hand and saying the magic words, “You will make wise choices and put others’ needs before your own” that suddenly their kids’ minds will be transformed and we’d hear kids all over the world repeating their parents’ worldviews. 

Now, I’m not addressing the parents who may slip into the bad habits of “do as I say, not as I do” parenting trap. I’m referring to the well-intentioned, model citizen parents who honestly believe that if they simply model a proper moral compass and speak into their kids’ lives age-old wisdom, this new generation will live lives full of mercy, justice and humility. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not endorsing anything that goes against this type of parenting.  Shoot, if more parents modeled goodness and kindness every day to their kids, there’s no denying that this world would be a better place… or at the very least, the guy who cut me off in the parking lot the other night would have gone around, and maybe I wouldn’t have lost my temper in front of my minivan full of mini-me’s… but that’s for another episode. Anyway, here’s my point… The very, very, VERY hard truth is that we can’t “force” our worldview and moral compass into the hearts and minds of our kids.  We can influence them. We can instruct them. We can model for them. We can discipline them. We can, and definitely should, do all of this.  But, the decision to do the right thing is completely up to them. They are in control of their own integrity. They are the masters of their own purity. They hold the steering wheel of their lives and their cars...

JEFFERSON: John Stonestreet’s bio says that he is Executive Director of the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview. He is the co-host with Eric Metaxas of BreakPoint, the Christian worldview radio program founded by the late Chuck Colson, and the voice of The Point, a daily national radio feature on worldview, apologetics and cultural issues. He also serves as a Senior Content Advisor for Summit Ministries… and apparently John never, ever, ever sleeps.

John, when we talk about “Parenting Like You Mean It”, we’re talking about intentionality, and not just letting parenting “happen” day-to-day, but actually setting out with a purpose. I know that you’ve got three daughters, but could you sort of set the stage and describe what the Stonestreet house is like.

JOHN: Well, it’s like any other house with three little girls these days. Which means there’s a whole lot of the song “Let It Go” playing over and over and over again; and there’s a whole lot of Disney princesses decorating everything. So, it’s a pretty normal place.

But it is a place where we try to seek as much advice and counsel – my wife is particularly good at this – from older parents: parents who are just down the road from us. We are blessed to have in our lives my grandparents who were married for 63 years before my grandfather died just this past year; my parents have been married for nearly 50 years; and my wife’s parents have been married for a long time as well. So, we’ve got some great examples around us. We’re also part of a solid church, and all of this is indispensible for us – to have that sort of support and network.

We actually have several friends who don’t have that kind of support system around them and they feel very alone. I’ve even seen it amongst homeschool parents who may find themselves within communities where others aren’t homeschooling, or maybe their church isn’t as supportive of it, and they’re trying to do it all alone – while at the same time comparing themselves to the “All-Star Homeschool Parents” that get on the cover of Homeschool Digest and speak at the homeschool events. This can be a pretty oppressive environment for them.

And so, we’re just really blessed to have so many healthy examples.

JEFFERSON: As you go around the world imploring people to hold fast to a Christian worldview, where we view all people as if everyone is made in God’s image as a foundation for our lives, how do you and your wife instill this in your daughters? I mean, to speak on these terms to high schoolers or college students is fairly easy, but how do you address this with your girls?

JOHN: Well, I don’t think that it’s unique to homeschooling parents. I think that, as parents, it’s the first thing that we want to teach our kids – Who is God and how has He made Himself known to us? How do we know what we know? That’s probably one of the most disputed ideas in our house... 

How'd we get here? How can we compete against "instant gratification" and a culture that values entitlement versus hard work? Well, with self-reliance in their tool belt, they just may turn out to be tomorrow's leaders! So, if that's the finish line, this week's episode will hopefully offer some tips to consider along the long, winding road that is parenting with purpose and intentionality. Lending a helpful hand this week are the works of Tim Elmore and Mickey Goodman.