Parent Lit Podcast

I have something to share.

In the fall, I will be the parent to a middle-schooler.

I don’t know how this happened. I want to go back to notating the contents of diapers and trying to interpret different cries and facial expression. Or when my child was thoroughly entertained by undoing my baby-proofing efforts, crawling on a dirty floor, or even some light cleaning. I wasn’t navigating the digital life of teens and trying to prepare them for all that’s out there.

I don’t really want to return to those times. I was so very tired. However, in hindsight, the tasks of baby and toddler care feel so practical and straightforward. (This is where I pause to say to those who are reading this and are still in the phase of having babies and toddlers, this viewpoint comes later, like way later, when you are no longer there. When you are in it, it’s 1,000% overwhelming!) But now I have a tween. Deep sigh. Am I ready for this?

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

With the help of some picture books, some notes on impermanence today.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

The use of humor can be characterized as a defense or avoidance of difficult topics. And that definitely happens, but in my experience, humor has allowed me to be right next to the hard stuff. A laugh can be like a nightlight in the dark, giving off enough light to help you avoid the sharp edges of the furniture.

Related Links:

Books mentioned:

Road to Tender Hearts* by Annie Hartnett

Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy* by Chris Duffy

Humor, Seriously: Why Humor Is a Secret Weapon in Business and Life (And how anyone can harness it. Even you.) by Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas 

 Additional articles:

https://relationalriffs.substack.com/p/the-punchline-to-better-relationships

https://open.substack.com/pub/kathrynbarbash/p/damn-my-mom-is-actually-funny?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

 

You can find more about A Wonderful Mess at kathrynbarbash.substack.com. Want to support my coffee drinking habit to write this publication? You can here at my buy me a coffee page.

 

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

 

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

 

 

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

Today, we are going to bring some mindful tools into your kids’ play. A little mindful mindset on our part as parents can play out to everyone’s benefit (oh yes, pun intended).

 

Listen for more…

Related Links:

National Institute for Play

 Books:

Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul by Stuart M Brown, MD

But I’m Bored: Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient Kids* by Lizzie Assa, MSEd

How to Tell Stories to Children* by Joseph Sarosy and Silke Rose West

Making It Up: A Revolutionary Way to Bond with Your Kids Through Play* by Chris Mannino

 

You can find more about A Wonderful Mess at kathrynbarbash.substack.com

 

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

 

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

This post is part of Reading While Parenting, a monthly feature at A Wonderful Mess, where we delve into exactly how parents can read and what reading can add to parenthood.

Take a listen and then share any reading goals or intentions you have this year!

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

II’ve got some questions for you today. These are questions to ask on December 31st (or March 22nd, July 3rd, or any date of the year). I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. The idea that on a certain date, we should all think of something we want to change about ourselves is not an idea I want to support. Change is not a bad thing, let me be clear. It’s just the idea that we all need to do it right now to become “better” somehow; it seems forced and unnecessary.

Listen for more…

Related Links:

Dr. Amber Groome’s Article on Values

You can find more about A Wonderful Mess at kathrynbarbash.substack.com

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

The present moment is a foundational piece of mindfulness practice. The definition seems somewhat self-explanatory but for review:

The present moment is the here and now. Not the future or the past but the now. But sometimes the now is not a fun place to be...

You can find more at kathrynbarbash.substack.com

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

We all bring ourselves to parenthood, whether we want to or not. Ourselves being the people we were before we became parents, and in many ways will continue to be after becoming parents. Our traits, quirks, strengths, and yes, our weaknesses, come along too. Perfectionism was in my luggage for the journey of parenthood. In some ways, parenting really helped me crack that can of worms open and led to investigating its tricky ways that were leading me astray. Which has certainly been a good thing. But before this ongoing (definitely still a work in progress) experience of self-growth on the perfectionism front, it certainly made a hard thing harder.

Books and essays mentioned:

Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists*,

Clarissa Ong, PhD, and Michael P. Twohig, PhD, authors of The Anxious Perfectionist: How to Manage Perfectionism -Driven Anxiety Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy*

Jessica Slice , author of Unfit Parent: A Disabled Mother Challenges an Inaccessible World*

Amber Groomes,Ph.D. (she/her) post, Why Living Our Values Means Accepting Painful Feelings .

Related reading:

* This one from Sara Petersen on The Life-Changing Magic of Mediocrity

* Ellen Hendriksen, author of the book, How to Be Good Enough, mentioned above also writes a Substack, How to Be Good to Yourself When you’re Hard on Yourself, which offers some great insights like this one on inner critics (in flow chart form).

* And I can always count on Marika Páez Wiesen, who writes Living the In-Between Times, to tackle the persistence of perfectionism in our lives

There are so many threads of perfectionism to pull when it comes to it’s intersection with parenthood and would love to continue to explore the topic with you readers. Share in the comments if there is anywhere you would like to go in the future.

Dear readers, may you allow for more connection over perfection this week.

Back to the mess of it all,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com

Hello,

I have a question for you.

Are you a winter person?

If you had asked me this question last fall, I would have told you that I am not.

However, last winter I discovered that I may be more winter-inclined than I previously thought. But first, some helpful background information. I grew up in Southern California. We’re not known for our winters, but more likely as a refuge from chilly temperatures. With limited winter experience, I moved to the East Coast as a young adult. Given my natural stubbornness, I was determined not to be a naïve, ill-prepared SoCal girl. And I did okay—partly because I bought the right clothes. This is one of those pieces of advice that is absolutely 100% true. I lived in Boston, which I feel was an adequate introduction to winter. We weren’t best friends, winter and I, but I would say we were friendly. I liked living in a place with true seasons and appreciated a snowy day. Although I will never forget the day when a 45-minute commute home took 8 hours during a record-breaking snowstorm. Going to sleep that night, all I could see was windshield wipers and snow.

When I had kids, my lukewarm feelings towards winter turned ice cold. I found navigating winter with small people a new level of hell. From the management of keeping all their limbs free of frostbite to illnesses, the snow day shuffle, and so on, the season lost its sparkle. Slowly, the dread of winter started to creep up earlier and earlier each year, then contaminating my previously beloved Fall season.

But as I alluded to above, I have reevaluated this relationship.

It started with some reflection on winter while recovering from shoulder surgery. I had some extra time on my hands, sitting and then sitting some more. So why not sit and think about winter? I had the realization that some of the activities I love to do year-round are ideal winter activities, like reading cozily under a blanket, drinking hot beverages, and walking in the woods. I’ve always been partial to the sound of fresh snow crunching. And then I read “How to Winter: Harness Your Mindset to Thrive on Cold, Dark, or Difficult Days”* by Kari Leibowitz, PhD. The book’s main premise is how shifting our winter mindset can help us have a more positive winter experience and beyond. It has tangible advice while skillfully addressing the nuance of the research in the context of culture and the socio-political landscape.

A moment for mindset

The book is centered on mindset science and how our mindsets influence our experience. Many likely have some awareness of mindset science, primarily from the work of Carol Dweck, PhD, and the growth mindset versus a fixed mindset when it comes to intellect and academic achievement. At times, the research on the benefits of a more adaptive mindset has been misrepresented as an extreme version of positive thinking. This misrepresentation looks like an individualized, quick-fix practice, often without regard for context. However, mindset science is more nuanced than this and has the potential to be beneficial to many.

Leibowitz highlights through the work of Dr. Alia Crum of the Stanford Mind &Body Lab that mindsets are “core assumptions about the nature and workings of things in the world.” Your mindset is the frame in which you experience and understand information. It is helpful to understand that we all have mindsets about many things, it’s not just a catchy career development workshop phrase. Leibowitz shares some of the research regarding mindset interventions that focus on more adaptive mindsets in areas like stress, learning, and health. Leibowitz highlights that there is truth to a more adaptive mindset, but also a form of bias. As she states here,

“The mindsets in these studies are all true—intelligence can increase with effort; stress can have beneficial effects for our health and performance; cleaning several hotel rooms a day exceeds exercise recommendations for an active lifestyle. However, they are also biased: a specific perspective of a more complex truth.”

She goes on to explain that, “mindsets help people make sense of ambiguity.” And a whole lot of winter is ambiguous. The book goes into how our expectations and beliefs influence our experience of winter. It makes sense that if we believe that winter is an awful, slushy, horrible time we might readily find evidence to support that idea. But if we have the belief that winter is full of wonder or opportunity, we may find different evidence available to us. Having a more adaptive mindset towards winter does not refute that there are some less ideal parts of winter and there are some very real limitations but it allows for noticing other types of experiences, too. I recommend exploring the book if you are interested in developing a different winter mindset because there is certainly a little more to it than just telling yourself that winter is full of wonder.

More than just a winter mindset

Beyond improving your relationship with winter, there are other benefits present in this work as well. Leibowitz explains:

“Adapting to winter is also practice to adjusting to whatever is in front of us. There are seasons of the year—and seasons of life—for putting ourselves out there, for pushing ourselves, for striving and learning and growing. And there are seasons for going inward, slowing down, for healing and taking stock. There will be months and years of great joy and bounty and months and years of hardship and sadness. Learning to accept, even embrace, wherever we are, whenever we are, is the practice of a lifetime.”

Turning over a new snowflake

So, winter and I will contiue to renegotiate our relationship. I already love coziness, scarves, hot beverages, and winter landscapes. I don’t need to love the school cancellations, dressing children in snow pants, or icy sidewalks to see winter as a time of opportunity. My eyes are open and more willing to consider that there is more to see, feel, and experience. And it might just be pretty wonderful.

“Winter, I realized, is similarly multidimensional and ambiguous: there are parts of winter that are unpleasant, and parts that are delightful.”

Kari Leibowitz, PhD

How to Winter: Harness Your Mindset to Thrive on Cold, Dark, or Difficult Days

A version of this piece ran last winter for paid subscribers. It’s been edited and updated, because winter just keeps showing up.

Related reading and doing:

* Can you talk about winter without recommending Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May. I don’t reread many books, but I think Wintering is calling me back this year. And here is a recent post from Katherine May on Twenty ways to enjoy winter.

* One of those opportunities of winter? Awe. Deborah Farmer Kris’s book, Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive , can be a great resource. And some more on awe here:

* Here is another opportunity for you to consider: Winter requires layers upon layers. I love layers (for myself, I despise having to put children in layers). Put on some music, light a candle, and unpack those layers. Reuniting with my sweaters and scarves is a joyful reunion each year.

Share your potential winter opportunities…

May you have find a little wonder and possibility this week,

Writing away in my warm wool socks,

Kathryn

P.S. Reading is obviously my favorite activity year-round, but winter is just a perfect time for reading. Looking ahead, we are going to have a great opportunity in January. That month we will be doing a little winter reading reset. More on that coming soon.

Stay cozy in the mess of parenthood this winter, subcribe here.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org, if you purchase through this link I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kathrynbarbash.substack.com