Parent Judgment Podcast

0:00 MUSIC

0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

I'm sure you've heard it too, the judgment that parents these days aren't doing a good job, that parents are out of touch or too soft, that they give in to their kids too easily, they're over involved helicopter parents or under involved don't care parents. Maybe you heard some unsolicited advice on your parenting choices, your birthing choice, your feeding practice or your sleep routines. 

In this podcast, we'll be talking about parent judgment. 

BARB HOPKIN:

I really feel that this is such an important topic for community and for parents to support each other and understand each other on our unique path is so critical to avoiding judgment. And you know, parenting is not easy, and there's definitely not a right way to handle challenges or even to celebrate successes. So knowing that we have the ability to confidently navigate judgment from others, while still being very mindful of differences in parenting so as not to pass judgment will not only help us grow as parents and do the best for our children, but also create that supportive parenting community that can be so healthy for parents and their children.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Parent judgment can manifest in different ways including overt criticism, unsolicited advice, subtle disapproval, gossip, or even silent disapproving glances. 

Parent judgment can have a significant impact on the well-being and confidence of parents who experience it. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt, guilt, shame or frustration. And it can also create a sense of isolation and make parents hesitate to seek support or share their challenges for fear of being judged.

BARB HOPKIN:

We all have the power to define our worth as a parent. So really focusing on what's most important, our child's happiness, trusting our instincts, and having that supportive network or reaching out for professional help when needed.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'd like to introduce our guests for today's podcast, Barbara Hopkin. Barb earned her master's degree in counseling from the University of Wyoming. She's worked with children and families as a community mental health counselor and as a school counselor. More recently, she's played a critical role developing the tools and resources that are found on ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org. So welcome, Barb.

BARB HOPKIN:

Thank you, Annmarie. I'm so excited to be here. Parent judgment is such an important topic for parents who feel judged as well as parents who find themselves judging. As parents, we always tend to be our own harshest critic, so knowing how to deal with judgment is really important to growing our confidence. And oftentimes, the times when judgment comes up, parents need support more than ever.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So parents judge each other in a lot of situations and on a range of parenting choices and behaviors. Let's just talk about some of those situations where parents tend to judge each other.

BARB HOPKIN:

There are quite a few situations where judgment comes up, ranging from parenting styles when it comes to different disciplinary approaches, attachment parenting, free range parenting, authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting. A lot of judgment can come up when it comes to feeding and nutrition, breastfeeding versus formula feeding, when to introduce solid foods and then dietary choices as kids grow. Screen time and technology use can definitely be a topic that brings judgment, varying limits on screen time, what's age appropriate content wise, electronic device use it can all have very different approaches from different parents, which leads to judgment. When it comes to education, the choice between home school and public school, private school and unschooling, there's so many choices. Judgment also definitely comes up when it comes to sleeping practices, co-sleeping, different sleep training methods, bedtimes, bedtime routines.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So when I started prepping for this podcast, I just thought this isn't, this isn't me or you know, but then when you start listing all of these scenarios, I started having this like cringe-y feeling because I remember that time of breastfeeding versus formula feeding, or am I going to home school or public school so that brings up a lot of old memories just when my kids are little. What are some others? Are there some more common scenarios? 

BARB HOPKIN:

I think there's so many. When it comes to child care arrangements, being a stay at home parent versus working parents, daycare versus having a nanny, parent involvement when it comes to balancing work and family and then school activities and extracurricular participation, things get really busy and different approaches come up on how to handle that. Sports and activity involvement, there's a push to keep kids busy and active and involved. And there's also a push to be unbusy and have weekends and evenings free.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'm dealing with that right now, I think as a parent.

BARB HOPKIN:

Yes, it gets to be a lot and everyone has strong feelings and different ideas.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

What else?

BARB HOPKIN:

I think when it comes to safety measures and car seat use and childproofing your home, outdoor supervision, what's safe and what's not safe is different between parents. Another big topic would definitely be discipline and consequences. How do you approach discipline? Is timeout okay? What kind of positive reinforcement is appropriate? What about spanking? There's lots of different ideas out there that can bring strong emotions from parents.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hmm, that's a hot topic for sure.

BARB HOPKIN:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). More recently, with health and wellness, vaccines, and when to vaccinate versus not, all holistic medicine, alternative medicine, medication choices, there's just so many different things out there because parenting is very complex.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So those I know are probably just a few examples and listening to those, they, more than one of them really, really hit home. And I think that parent judgment can occur in a lot of other areas and parenting as well. It's interesting, though, because judgment might come from strangers in public or maybe extended family and friends or folks just giving unsolicited feedback, or even people that are more vocal and you know, give some negative comments about your parenting style or even your child. It's not always strangers. And this is what I always struggle with. You know, sometimes it's your own mom or your mother-in-law insisting they know what's best as you raise your kids. I remember being a new mom at the grocery store with my son being stopped by a stranger to say that I shouldn't allow him to use a pacifier. I know they probably meant well. But if you're already second guessing yourself as a parent, hearing judgment like that can be really hard to handle. Do you have any personal experiences where you felt judged as a parent? And how did you handle it?

BARB HOPKIN:

Yes, I can see how that would be hard to handle being approached by a stranger. I remember my very first day back to work after having my daughter, a co-worker approached me and made the comment that his wife would never be able to leave their babies in daycare or at home, and he didn't know how I was doing it.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Oh, gee.

BARB HOPKIN:

And I already really missed my daughter and felt guilty about leaving her. So it was not the comment I needed that day. Thinking back, I think I just took it with some grace and tried to get out of the conversation. I at the time didn't really know how to handle it other than feeling sad that he said that and guilty about not being with my daughter, but also being excited to be at work.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Parenting is just daunting in general. And it's deeply personal. It stirs up a lot of insecurities. And you know, maybe when I had my kids, I don't know if I was prepared to sort of handle all of those insecurities, but it really puts us in an incredibly vulnerable place. Seeing other parents do things differently with their children can trigger some of that insecurity that we have in ourselves and often, you know, we, to deflect that, we turn to judgment. What are some potential reasons behind the tendency to judge each other? I just think if we can get to that root, maybe we can start having some honest conversations about the tendency to judge.

BARB HOPKIN:

Mm-hmm (affirmative), absolutely. I think judgment can stem from a lot of different places, personal beliefs, societal influences and individual insecurities. There are a lot of cultural and societal expectations out there. Society holds a certain expectation about parenting practices, and individuals may judge others based on how well they conform to those in societal norms. Differences in parenting styles, choices or practices can be seen as deviating from the expected or accepted norms, and that leads to judgment.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Even in my own family, I remember just sort of our cultural norms of raising, you know, raising kids in my immediate family, and deviating from some of those was really, really hard. And I did feel that judgment. What else?

BARB HOPKIN:

I think personal biases and beliefs. We all bring our own set of beliefs and values and experiences to our parenting. And when encountering parents who have a different perspective or making different choices, individuals might judge based on their own biases and preconceptions viewing their own choices the right or superior one. It's hard not to stand up for what you do yourself.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Oh, and that just putting your -- that superiority or feeling superiority, that I definitely can identify with feeling that from, from other folks too.

BARB HOPKIN:

Mm-hmm (affirmative)

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

What else?

BARB HOPKIN:

Yeah, I think fear and insecurity play into judgment too. Parenting can be so complex and challenging. We're all on our own journey. And some individuals may feel insecure about their own parenting choices or their own abilities. And so then when they're trying to validate their own decisions, they may judge and criticize others as a way to affirm their own sense of competence and alleviate their own anxieties they may have with parenting.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I mean, a lot of times it is just, you know, a lack of understanding or awareness. People judge what they don't understand, I think.

BARB HOPKIN:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

And having really limited exposure to diverse parenting practices, or, or a lack of knowledge about different parenting approaches can contribute to that judgment. What else? What are some other reasons behind the tendency to judge?

BARB HOPKIN:

You know, I think the world can be such a competitive place and comparison plays into that. The culture of comparison and competition is prevalent all over. And so parents compare themselves to others and use judgment as a means to establish a sense of superiority or to feel better about their own choices as parents.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Oh, and I think that is reinforced from media and, and social platforms. We'll talk a little bit more about that later. But I think the way media portrays and social media portrays families can really perpetuate unrealistic standards for parenting. And then, you know, just watching someone's highlight reel of, of their life, and that's shared on a social platform can really distort perception of reality and, and really contribute to judgment.

BARB HOPKIN:

That's very true. It's such a part of the world now and changes the way that we think about things sometimes.

BARB HOPKIN:

I think fear of the unknown can also really come up. Parenting involves navigating the unknown and facing uncertainties every day and all the time as new things come up. So when parents encounter approaches or choices that are unfamiliar or different from their own, it can really trigger a sense of unease or fear. And then in response, some people may judge what they perceive as unconventional or unfamiliar, in order to create a sense of certainty and control in their own world.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Parenting judgment can manifest in different ways, including overt and subtle criticism, silent disapproving glances, or even unsolicited advice. That unsolicited advice often plays a significant role in parent judgment. While advice can be really well intentioned, it can contribute to parent judgment when it's given without consideration to the individual circumstances, preferences or values of the recipient. What role do you see unsolicited advice plays in parent judgment?

BARB HOPKIN:

You know, I think unsolicited advice really intersects with parent judgment. It involves imposing one's views on someone else. So it can be seen as an attempt to really impose one's own beliefs and values or parenting choices onto someone else. It really implies that there is a right or better way to parent and disregards the fact that each parent has unique circumstances and preferences within their family. And it's really undermining to parental autonomy. When unsolicited advice is given, it can undermine the parent's sense of autonomy and confidence in their own decision making. It implies that the person offering advice knows better or has superior knowledge and disregards the parents' own expertise and intuition.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

It can really amplify feelings of guilt and self-doubt that parents have too and make them question their own choices and abilities, really leading to anxiety and stress. This constant exposure to unsolicited advice can really erode a parent's self-confidence.

BARB HOPKIN:

Yes, that unsolicited advice arises from a place of compassion, where one person believes that their parenting is superior to others. But it can contribute to a judgmental attitude with the underlying assumption that if someone is not following the advice, they must be doing something wrong or inferior, and it ignores individual circumstances. So when unsolicited advice comes up, it tends to overlook that family's unique circumstance, their values and their, and the preferences of the recipient of the advice. So it fails to consider their child's specific needs and challenges.

So, when unsolicited advice is given, it tends to overlook the unique circumstances, values and preferences of the recipient. It doesn't consider the specific needs and challenges that each parent and child could be facing, leading to advice that may not be relevant or even suitable.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I think it's important to note that not all advice is negative or judgmental. In some cases, unsolicited advice really could come from a place of genuine concern or a desire to help but it really becomes problematic when it lacks empathy or respect or consideration for, you know, autonomy or circumstances.

BARB HOPKIN:

I totally agree. And sometimes it's a function of not being aware of those circumstances. So knowing that we don't know everything going on in a family can be really important to pause and not pass judgment.

So it's really important to respect boundaries and offer advice only when requested. If you're unsure, it's okay to ask. You might say “It sounds like you're working really hard on your bedtime routine. Would you like to try a new idea?” It's equally important to approach conversations about parenting choices with empathy, openness and willingness to understand and validate different perspectives.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Let's talk a little bit more about media. So I think that media, even like traditional media outlets and social media platforms can really contribute to the perpetuation of parent judgment. So let's talk about the role you think media and social media play in that aspect of parent judgment and perpetuating parent judgment.

BARB HOPKIN:

I think as you were saying, when we see kind of the best version of someone's parenting online and in social media, it's easy not to feel like we don't have it together. We're, you know, not living up to that standard, when really, no one posts or rarely are there posts about the worst part of the day or the hardest moment that week. So it just can be really easy to feel like everyone else is maybe doing, doing it better or their kids are happier. And that can lead to a lot of self judgment, as well as judging some things that other parents might post that we don't agree with.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

There is that just unrealistic portrayal of, of parenting at times, and I think I've gotten better at, at sorting through the reality or trying not to let that affect me. But, but still, it is such a comparison culture right now. You know, watching those curated best moments, and I do it too. I mean, I don't post, you know, the bedtime struggle, but I definitely post the vacation pictures. And so, you know, thinking about how I contribute, contribute to that as well. What are other ways that you think media and social media contribute?

BARB HOPKIN:

You know, I think that there is a big lack of context sometimes. We don't see the necessary context behind parenting choices. We don't know the whole story. And without understanding a parent's reasoning and beliefs, or their very specific circumstances that inform their choices, people are more likely to pass quick judgments based on their own assumptions and biases.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I think, too, that traditional media has a way of really sensationalizing stories. You know, when I turn on the news at night, it's, it's those highlighted extreme cases that parents see. Usually that's in the negative. But if we're not aware of that, that can really distort our perception of our typical parenting choices and really create a climate where judgment is directed toward those people who make unconventional decisions. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Is there anything else?

BARB HOPKIN:

I think another place that judgment can definitely come up, the comment sections of different online forums and platforms can really be a breeding ground for judgment and criticism. You don't see the person. You don't see the hurt on their face when things are said. So opinions are shared without consequences and can really lead to some harsh judgment and comments that further perpetuate those negative attitudes towards parenting choices, and drive parents further apart.

So I think with all of those things in mind, it's really important to approach media and social media with a critical lens and be mindful of their potential impact on our own attitudes and perceptions. Being aware of the biases, and how everybody tends to portray this ideal version of parenting and limitations of media representations can help us challenge the judgmental narratives and cultivate a more empathetic and understanding approach to parenting. I think also, creating our own social media feeds to include diverse voices and perspectives can contribute to more balanced and inclusive representation of parenting experiences. So working to not, you know, inadvertently perpetuate those...