Parenting Porcupines

Full show notes on the blog here.

This is about patriarchy, purity culture (and the toxicity thereof), and how we talk to and teach our kids about boundaries (sexual or otherwise).

Let’s start with a few truths:

1. Patriarchy is a social construct that values men over women, boys over girls, and relegates women and children to the lesser position after Father and Husband. It is not Christian — it exists in non-Christian culture; it is not American — it exists in Asian, African, Middle Eastern, and European cultures as well.
2. To identify patriarchy and want to reject it, in your home, your relationships, and especially with your children, does not mean you do not value men, love your male partners, friends, and children, or that you want to be asexual or homosexual.
3. Patriarchy is not just damaging to women and girls, it is the source of toxic masculinity, it puts an unfair burden on men to provide, lead, and make decisions on their own, without the benefit of partnership with their wives.

That said, there are a dozen manifestations of patriarchy that are so damaging as to be handicapping to children. In this episode we are taking on one specific one, courtesy of our guest, Cayce LaCorte, whose viral TikTok rant on virginity being a construct of the patriarchy got her noticed by, among others, Buzzfeed.

Welcome, Cayce, to the show.

Full show notes on the blog here.

Our first episode in the Don’t Violate my NAP was on bullying. You can find it here.

This time, we’re talking about discipline. 

How and when do you discipline your kids?

Something that gets everybody weighing in — how do I discipline my child? Let’s start with why.

• Why do we discipline? (from this blog)
  • To grow responsible adults
  • Help them manage anxiety — they don’t want to be in charge, freedom is overwhelming
  • Encourage good choices and build decision-making skills
  • Teach kids to manage their own emotions
  • Keep kids safe — the “not yours” vs. “no!” strategy

Full show notes (and video) on the blog here.

Our guests are:

Jason Lyon, also known as “Mr. Murica”, host of The Bearded Truth on Muddied Waters Media. Jason has  participated in many activism opportunities, worked as a grass-roots director at a large liberty-leaning think tank, and is the father to two precious girls. 

You already know Casey Crowe from prior episodes. He’s the chair of the Lexington County LP and member of the state party’s IT committee. Casey is yin to our yang, and always a voice of reason. Using his steady hand and calming demeanor to raise his own little porcupine. 

Full show notes on the blog here.

As we kick off Season 3 in the middle of Pride Month we thought it would be a fitting time to address how we are discussing the topics LGBTQ+ with our kids. This is a hot topic, and one that tends to become very divisive. We hope in this episode to give you some insight into not only how we talk to our kids about these topics, but how we talk to one another as well.

We are excited to have Ashley Shade join us for this episode. Ashley is the Chair of the Libertarian Party of Massachusetts. She is also the Chair of Outright Libertarians, an organization that seeks to serve as a bridge to the GSM Community from the Libertarian party, that works to educate the GSM Community, and that tirelessly serves the GSM Community by making sure that the rights of the Community are always included in any conversation about the Party’s Platform or policy discussions. Ashley is also a Transgender woman. 

Full show notes here.

What was your first experience with an LGBTQ+ individual? Did your parents talk to you about them?

What do your kids ask about in regards to LGBTQ+ community? Have you discussed the community in your family?

Kasie’s family is flying their Pride flag all month on the front of the house and her daughter, Hollie (13) wanted to make sure we mentioned normalizing LGBTQ+ and that might mean by not having “the talk” about it, but simply accepting individuals for who they are.

We recapped a little of S3E1 with Ashley Shade in terms of “being gay is about who you love, being trans is about who you are,” and some other key learning we got out of that episode.

We’d hoped to visit with AJ Campbell. AJ is a fierce Libertarian, serving as the Chair of the Libertarian Party of Tennessee, and she is also a badass mom of a Trans son. But internet connectivity was spotty so we’re going to have a special recorded episode with her so we can edit out any connectivity problems and create a seamless show.

On the blog here.

Episode art: Photo by Cliff Booth on Pexels.com

So, Hollie’s attending Girls Rock Camp again this summer (hopefully) for the fifth year. Her first year she heard the word “consent.” She was nine. And, yes, it was in the context we think of it in: sexuality. I wasn’t in any way worried about this, in fact, I was grateful. What they taught her was that no one should touch her without her permission. That means friends’ hugs, family members’ hugs, and especially those creepy behaviors we sometimes excuse away when little girls worry about them.

“He does that because he likes you.”

With “that” meaning chase you on the playground, sit too close to you on the floor, hit you, pull your hair, hug you, or even kiss you without your permission.

We say, “Boys will be boys,” and this episode is about why that’s exactly the wrong approach.

Libertarians are consent culture in action. You cannot tax me without my consent. You cannot enter my home, seize my property, or require me to send my child to school without my consent.

As moms of boys, I think Jess and Melissa are uniquely qualified to talk about what the word “consent” means in their house and how they’re talking to their sons about it. Because, honestly, I can’t fix what the boy does or says to Hollie. I can only control how she responds.

So:

• Is the word “consent” part of the vocabulary?
• What are the definitions you give for it?
• What examples do you use to help them understand?
• When did it become part of the conversation?

We think of consent as being part of a sex conversation and that may be why people shy away from it. This article offers some advice, breaking it down by age. Since our kids are all over the age of 5, we’ll start with ages 5-12:

• The way their bodies change is great, but can be confusing.
• Encourage them to talk about what feels good and what doesn’t.
• Teach kids to use safe words during play, indicators that they need help to get out of a tough situation.
• Teach them to stop play now and then to make sure everyone’s okay with what’s happening.
• Don’t tease kids for boy-girl relationships
• Teach them their behavior affects others
• Then for teens:
• The good touch / bad touch is still really important here, so keep that dialogue open
• Keep building their self esteem, reminding them of their value
• Keep having the sex talks and ask things like, “how do you know a partner is ready to kiss you?”

No notes for this episode. Just consider supporting the SCLP at this link and enjoy the Mother's Day special. 

We play a sort of broken version of The Newlywed Game where we try to guess what our spouse would say about certain things. One thing was for sure: these guys support their Libertarian wives. 

Thanks to Brian Couture, Michael Ethridge, and Charlie Whitener for guesting on the show.

Episode art: Photo by Giftpundits.com on Pexels.com

On the blog here.

Episode art: Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

It is a fact of life that we will all experience loss in our lives. Loss of loved ones to death, loss of a job or other opportunity, and loss of relationships are things that are not new to any of us who have made it well into adulthood. As adults we are seasoned in dealing with loss (well, most of us are generally at least somewhat prepared to have to deal with it), but we don’t always consider how loss impacts our children. 

This article was especially insightful, and in the article “10 Ways to Help a Grieving Child” there are some really helpful suggestions. 

Is it sometimes difficult for adults to remember the range of emotions we felt as children in various experiences we might have had? 

• What is your earliest memory of experiencing grief?
• What are some ways we can relate to our children as they navigate these difficult emotions?
  • How do you listen?
  • How do you acknowledge?
  • How do you reassure?

How do we find comfort?

Jess: When we planned to discuss in this week’s episode how we help our children through grief we had no idea how the topic would change in tone and cadence. When we initially planned this week’s episode I (Jessica) had just buried my grandfather, and was mourning the loss. I was also helping my children grieve the loss of their last living great-grandfather, which is something I am still working on, but this week we are also grieving as a nation. 

As we discuss the topic of personal/individual grief it is also important to discuss community grief. This week Officer Derrick Chauvin was found guilty on three separate charges related to the death of George Floyd. Moments before the verdicts were read to him in open court the news broke of another officer-involved shooting in Columbus, OH, where 16 year-old Ma’khia Bryant was fatally shot by a police officer in an altercation outside her foster home. In the bodycam footage of the incident, Bryant appeared to be brandishing a weapon and attempting to inflict bodily harm or death upon another teenage girl. 

• Are your kids aware of these events?
• Have you had conversations with your kids about this week’s events?

We can discuss the particulars of the incident. We can dissect who we think was right and who was wrong, this person’s character and that other person’s intent, but the common theme is grief as a community. 

Grief that a man was killed by an officer who was sworn to protect and serve, and grief that a young girl lost her life at the hands of an officer who was trying to protect another child from injury or death. Perhaps the death of Ma’khia Bryant hits a little differently for our kids since she was just a kid too. Our kids need to understand that it is ok to feel the range of emotions that accompany difficult situations whether impacting them individually or those that impact their community. They need to know they are supported, but more importantly how to support one another in grief as well. Let’s teach them well.

On the blog here.

Episode art: Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Tonight we take on all those insecurities in modern parenthood. Namely: How do you know that you are doing a decent job? Well adjusted, kind, respectful, positive feedback from others. 

Do you find yourself trying to model your children’s childhood experiences after your own? We are not our children’s tour guide through life. Are we using our parents’ strategies/styles? 

Do you consider your parents role models in how you raise your kids? We all take things from our parents. 

Do you have a vision for the kind of parent you want to be? The vision is less “what kind of parent do I want to be” and more “ Who do I want her to be, and what can I do to build my child up”. 

Do your wishes drive you to push your kids into extra-curriculars?

Are those visions determined by your kid’s specific needs?

Did the LP influence your parenting? If so, how? Having like-minded peers who support your ideals and principles. 

As a family unit how are you function? Is a more important conversation than “are you a good mom”

In the end, it’s our kids’ success that determines whether or not we were good parents. True or false? When do we say the people we know — our siblings? — are not our parents’ fault? But the result of their own choices? 

Can we, as parents, take responsibility for our kids misbehaving? Should we? How about accepting responsibility for their social or political views? 

How can we possibly know what to do without patching together a network of experts, instructions, peer pressure, and instinct?

On the blog here.

Episode art: Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

From “experiments in independence” to “gross negligence” there are a LOT of ways to see so-called “free range parenting.”

In this article for NPR, a certain mom pushes back against haters by reminding them that numbers of missing children are actually at an all-time low while perceptions of the dangers of kidnapping are elevated.

We’re in an era when being overprotective is what’s expected and fostering freedom is seen as bad parenting. The organization Let Grow was founded with the intention of opening these conversations up for deeper debate.

• Why do we think the world’s too scary for our kids to navigate?
• What does it do to kids to curb their freedom?
• How can parents responsibly “let grow” without risking ridicule or legal persecution?

In what can only be called irony, there are schools setting up “free play clubs” with no supervision or scripted activities. Aren’t those gangs? The NPR article from above mentions this. So …

• Do we need organized permission to allow our kids to be free?
• Why do we need consensus, support, or organizational planning for this? Isn’t it intuitive?
• Are the social shaming or visions of disaster enough to persuade us to subjugate our kids?

According to Let Grow’s interactive map, South Carolina’s laws are actually some of the most supportive of children’s independence.

I love this blog talking about parenting out of habit and saying things we think might be helpful, but mostly just because they were said to us.

• How many of our rules are about habit?
• How many of the restrictions we place on our kids are about what’s expected instead of what’s best for them?
• How many rules are about what we’ve been told is best, not necessarily what’s been proven?

If one more person told me to put Hollie on a schedule when she was a baby I would have decked them. The daycare wanted me to put her down for a nap on Saturdays and Sundays at the same time. Um. No. I ran her until she passed out because I had better things to do than beg her to nap and listen to her cry and deny her time with me playing to maintain some weird ritual.

• Were you the mom that planned the weekend around the kid’s nap time?
• Are such things an infringement on their personal freedom?
• When do you trust them to make the right choice? To use their best judgment?

And finally, 6 pros and cons of Free Range Parenting.