Parenting Process for Your Child's Success Podcast

0:00 MUSIC 

0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.. In this podcast, we'll be learning about a parenting process for your child's success. 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Having a process to follow, to build relationships and communication skills really sets kids up for positive things in their future. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'd like to introduce our guest today, BARBARA HOPKIN. Barbara earned her bachelor's degree in English Education from Florida State University. After teaching middle and high school students, she earned her master's degree in counseling from the University of Wyoming. Barbara's worked with children and families as a community, mental health counselor, and school counselor. So welcome Barbara. 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Thank you. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Thanks for being here. We are talking about a parenting process for a child success today. A step by step process parents or someone in a parenting role can follow. So let's start today by having you explain a little bit more about what this is.

BARBARA HOPKIN:

The parenting process is a way for parents to interact with their children. It can be used to address simple challenges or more complex challenges. But it's intentional and it can really build your child's skills. It can also really improve your relationship with your child, as well as your communication with your child as you use the process. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I'm pretty certain that when I was growing up, my parents didn't have a process they were following. And early on with my own kids, I know I read books and I soaked up theories on parenting, but once they arrived, a lot of what I learned, it just went out the window. So using a parenting process sounds a bit daunting. How do you even get started? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So you begin slowly and you choose one issue or topic that you'd like to practice the process to address. Maybe you'd like to work on confidence with your child, or maybe you're hoping to grow, to grow their reading skills. Then once you decide where you'd like to start on the website, you pick a tool for your child's age and begin working through it as a guide, there's step by step ideas of how to get started and what to say. There are summaries to print out so that you have the ability to post the tool that you chose somewhere, and it's easy to access. And as you become more familiar with the process, you become more comfortable and you might even find yourself using it without a specific tool to address things that come up in daily life with your child. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I know that throughout the day, I have a lot of conversations with my kids. But I don't plan out each one like that. How, how would you even get started, doing something like the parenting process? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So you think about areas that you'd like to see a change, maybe a behavior that isn't going well. And then by using the process, you really get to have an engaging conversation with your child about what's going on, how they're feeling about what's going on, and then you get to decide, you know, what skills you would like to teach them and be able to support them through using the process to grow new skills and change behaviors.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So it's not, it's a process, it's not a script, right? It's just a way of interacting with your kid?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Exactly. It's a way of interacting and it's some steps to follow, but you don't have to follow them in order every time either. So it's just a way of interacting in a process to communicate that really conveys respect and helps children gain confidence and make healthy choices. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I'm thinking that if I have a process for dealing with everyday issues like confidence or reading, I'd have a pretty good foundation for dealing with bigger issues down the road. Is that right? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Yes, that's exactly right.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

We know that from the website, that there are five steps to the parenting process. It starts with getting input, then teaching, practicing, supporting, and recognizing. 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Yes. And through those five steps in the process, you're engaging in a conversation with your child. You're teaching them skills, you're allowing them to practice, you're supporting their learning and you're recognizing their effort along the way as they try new skills. And most importantly, going through the process really helps to build a positive relationship with your child. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Okay. So I wanna dig in with you on what each step is, why it's important and what it looks like with children at every age. So let's begin with step one, which is get input. So what is this? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So getting input is about really purposely creating an opportunity to interact and engage with your child, to really hear them out and, and listen to understand their perspective and their feelings on something.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Okay. So help me understand what that means for parents with infants. How would you do that?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So for an infant it's really about getting to know their facial expressions, their movements, their sounds, and becoming familiar with the way that they can communicate at that age.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Okay. So getting input is about getting to know and understand them, what they're feeling, what they need. I remember those early days, uh, and, and that learning curve that came with that. How about for parents with teens, you know, children and teens? What does input look like for them? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So for them, input really looks like creating an opportunity to engage where you truly hear and value what they say. So you're really listening to understand and asking questions to help them dig a little deeper and  engage with you about a topic.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I can hear people saying that it sounds like getting input would maybe undermine their authority as a parent. Can you just speak to that a little bit? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Sure. So getting input doesn't undermine authority, it actually helps to teach respect and helps your child develop critical thinking skills and problem solving skills. While you listen to their concerns and allow them to share their ideas, it requires them to really think things through and process how they are thinking and feeling about something.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

All right. So let's talk about a specific issue to get an example. So this helps me, so when my kids were younger, I remember at times tantrums were an issue. I remember leaving more than one movie theater, um, with my, probably with both my kids. So what would getting input look like when you're addressing tantrums with like a five or a six year old? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So tantrums with a five year, six year old, I would recommend using a recent tantrum. So bringing up the incident that recently happened, as an example, and asking them, "Would it be all right if we talked about what made you so upset at the movie theater the other day?" And then really actively listening to their response to help understand what was most concerning for them, help them make connections between their feelings and how their body was feeling at that time versus how their body feels when they're calm. Getting input is really an opportunity to become more aware of how your child is thinking and feeling.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

All right, so that makes sense. That six year old is now a 13, so I have a 13 year old now and a lot of what I'm dealing with centers around routines, and I've found that she's getting out the door a little bit later every day. So how would I get input around my teenager's morning routines?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Mornings can be a wild time, that's for sure (laughs). So it sounds like she may already have a routine in the morning, but it just might need to be revisited a little bit. I would start by asking her what could we do to make our morning routine go smoothly and be out the door on time and really hear what she thinks. Ask her what is challenging about being ready on time and have her think through that? What could you do to make this challenge easier? So it's really gaining input, allowing her the chance to think through the morning and what she could do to improve it. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So for her, I can feel that it would really create a sense of ownership in the outcome for her. And then, you know, when we were talking about the infants, I think that it helps me respond to those cues. So why in the process is this the first step?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So it's the first step because it really helps for parents to correct any assumptions they may have about what's going on. They really hear the experience from their child's perspective. But it also builds confidence and conveys respect. And like you said, if she's really a part of the conversation, she has a lot more buy in and following too. It also gets her thinking, it gives her the ability to develop some new skills. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So what should parents avoid when seeking input? Are there any, are there any pitfalls here that we need to be looking out for?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

You definitely want to seek input at a time when everyone's calm and well rested and not in a rush. It might even be the next day if you've had a really tough interaction or time with something. So just waiting for a moment when everyone is in a good place to talk is very important. Some of the parents I work with, if they've had something tough, go on such as a teenager coming home late, and they're feeling worried and upset, they'll even make sure their teen is okay, and then get a good night's sleep, really gather themselves and think about how they wanted to have this conversation before talking. And when they take that time to pause and wait for the right moment, the conversation ends up going a lot better. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I'm curious about some of the parents that you have been working with and just what you're hearing from parents about this step. Like I'd love to know, you know, what places are they getting stuck or what kind of successes are, are you hearing about?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Sure. So I think one of the trickiest part for parents sometimes is they are busy and their kids are busy, so when they try to think of a time when no one's tired or hungry or in a rush, sometimes it can be hard to find that time. Some of the best input conversations I've heard about will involve the whole family over dinner. They'll be, for example, gaining input on how they'd like to handle chores in the house and over dinner where everyone's calm, everyone can participate in the conversation. The kids in the conversation can really open up and talk as a family. So finding that right time can be a little tricky, but when you are able to find it to gain input as a family, some really great things can come from it.

Another thing that some parents have talked about is if their child say, had a tantrum, they're hesitant to bring it back up later when their child is calm because they think, "Oh, we're past that, I don't wanna bring it up again." However, in being able to talk about it and hear from their child, what that was like for them, they really are helping to build their child's skills and make a positive plan for the future. So even though it can be tricky to wanna go there in the long run, it really pays off. There's one other thing that parents in this step talk about a lot is sometimes in their own family growing up, they didn't talk about feelings a lot, people didn't express feelings a lot, so it can feel a little bit unnatural at first to talk a lot about feelings.  However, building that feelings vocabulary in children is so powerful in helping them process and navigate challenges throughout life.  So, even though it can feel uncomfortable at first, talking about feelings is a huge piece of gaining input. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Let's talk a little bit about step two. Step two is teaching. What is this and why is the step important?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

This step is really important because it's where you actually demonstrate how to do the task. So for infants, this step is important because by meeting their needs you are teaching them that they're safe and that others can be trusted. For children and teens, teaching is important because it equips them with knowledge and skills to do something new or different. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So this step makes sense to me because as a parent, I often feel like I'm doing that a lot. I'm demonstrating, I'm demonstrating tasks for my children. And especially when they were younger, we are learning, you know, a lot of new skills. So is teaching just done through demonstrating or what are some other ways of teaching? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So there's some different approaches. Demonstrating is one of them, also connecting and labeling, as well as modeling are all important pieces of teaching. So demonstrating a skill or a specific behavior can help your child visualize what you're asking them to do, and really think through it. Connecting a new skill to something that they already know and labeling it is also helpful for their confidence as they're learning something new. And then finally parents and those in a parenting role are always modeling behavior for their infant child or teen. So what you say and what you do are very powerful forms of teaching. So it's important to think about that and what you are teaching through what you say and do. Then kinda stepping back and asking yourself, "What behavior would you like your child to learn to replace an inappropriate behavior? What could you teach them to do instead of what they're doing, that's not working for you?" Can be a great place to start with teaching. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So as you are explaining that I'm recognizing that teaching is different from telling. At teaching's core, it sounds like it's really about skill building. 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

It is, it definitely is. And that's a common theme that comes up. It's hard not to get in the habit of just telling sometimes, but teaching is definitely a skill building event.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So let's talk about the example that we used earlier about a younger child who is dealing with tantrums, what would you teach when wanting to address tantrums? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So the very first thing to think about if your child is having a tantrum is focusing on calming yourself down first and then your child. So taking a parenting break really gives you the chance to respond rather than react to a tantrum or struggle. It also models the compound strategies that you're wanting your child to maybe try such as taking a deep breath or taking a walk or getting water. So it helps in two ways, the parent then is more calm, but the child has also seen their parent go through the calm down strategies. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

That makes sense. 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So, yeah, so then once the parent's in control of their own emotions, they have a chance to explore what's going on for their child emotionally. Then they can think about some things they maybe want to teach. For example, I statements are a great way for kids to feel awareness and express their emotions in a respectful way, or think about what coping strategies and calm down strategies they want to come up with in a list to practice, to build those emotional regulation skills that are so important. Then finally, another piece of teaching that is really helpful for kids is to really be involved and to think about how to repair harm done and to build responsibility for maintaining healthy relationships. So, really thinking about how to repair anything that didn't go so well. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

That makes sense. Tell me about how teaching might look different for a teen. How could I teach my 13 year old about routines?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So as a parent of a teen, thinking of tasks and responsibilities that are age appropriate is important, and giving them feedback as far as tasks they are eager to learn in order to gain independence is important. So thinking about what would they like to learn to be more responsible for can really help.Specifically, parents can model a task, so do what you would like them to do, and then ask your teen what, what they noticed. Then the teen can do the modeling and ask what they notice when they're doing their own modeling. Practice together and provide feedback starting with strengths first .

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

What are you hearing from parents on that step? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So what I hear about this step is when parents really do take the time to teach, it really makes a big difference in their teen's success and confidence. So,one parent told me about wanting her teen to take responsibility for yard work and in really having her teen watch her mow the lawn, do the weed whacking, go through all the steps that she wanted to have done. Then when he was ready to model back for her, those responsibilities, it set him up for success. And then after she was able to watch him and have him talk about what he did and ask any questions he had, then he was really ready to do these chores more independently.

So if this step is skipped, there tends to be a lot less willingness for follow through. And this can be frustrating for both the child and the parent. And sometimes I think this stuff gets skipped because parents assume that their child knows how to complete a task that will meet their expectations, but this isn't always the case. So if that parent hadn't taken the time to teach her son how she wanted the yard work done, then he might have done it in a way that she ended up having to redo it or have him redo it and it would've been frustrating for them both. 

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Oh, I see myself in that spot right there - if I would've just stopped and spent the time there that would've made, that would've made a lot of sense. So we've discussed,input and teach and the next is, practicing. So why is this important? 

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So the practicing step is really important to create opportunities for kids to be able to try what they're learning. It's okay if they sometimes fail and then to repeat their efforts. So it's beneficial, 'cause it really builds their capacity to learn, improve, grow habits, grow social and emotional skills, and it supports a growth mindset, which is huge. It also gives you an opportunity to handle feedback and help them correct mistakes, and that growth mindset piece is big because even if things are challenging as they practice, if you're able to help them think through those in a positive way with positive self talk, then they'll be able to take on challenges