Looks can be deceiving. And you can’t judge a teen by his behavior any more than you can judge a book by its cover.

Moms and dads have a habit of labeling disobedient kids as rebels. But nine times out of ten, their so- called rebellion is just a natural response to a past or present issue in their life. Unless parents understand the root cause, they won’t be able to stop the behavior and encourage healing within the family.

If you’re the parent of a so-called “rebellious” teen, here’s my question for you: Is your teen’s inappropriate behavior actually rebellion… or the symptom of a deeper issue?

So go beyond what you see and look into the heart of your teen. What looks like rebellion to you… could really be a cry for help.

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Parents tend to pour a lot of time and effort into keeping the peace at home. But maybe we need to shift our thinking. Is conflict all that bad?

Mom, Dad … it’s okay to have conflict with your teen as he matures! Did you honestly think you’d never have disagreements… or that he’d never try to question your values?

As your teen becomes independent, he’ll begin to think differently than you do. But as you engage in discussion rather than avoid it, you affirm that you’ll always love him and spend time with him… even when you’re opinions differ.

Hey, who said you needed to have a conflict-free relationship? God grants peace even in the imperfection… and brings strength through the process.

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Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a great big “undo” button that would completely erase all of your parenting mistakes?

Unfortunately, no such button exists. But perhaps if we stopped repeating the mistakes that other parents have made, we wouldn’t need an undo button in the first place.

Think about it. There are generations upon generations of moms and dads that have come before us. And they’ve faced many of the same issues you’re struggling with today.

So here’s your homework assignment. Sit down with a few veteran parents and ask them this question: “If you could do this parenting thing all over again, what would you do differently?”

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. And taking their regrets to heart might keep you from repeating their mistakes.

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Watching your teen spin out of control is hard. It’s painful. But it’s even worse when it places undue stress on your marriage as well.

A family crisis will amplify whatever tension exists between a husband and wife. The pressure builds and builds until it becomes overwhelming… and the temporary hardship destroys their lifetime relationship. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Remember, when you and your spouse got married, you promised to love each other in sickness and in health… for richer or for poorer… for better or for worse. So if you’re in the “worse” part right now, don’t give up!

Hold on. Stay the course. And never lose sight of the other side of the struggle. This, too, shall pass.

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Student Story: Grace

Respect is the foundation on which every healthy relationship is built. So what’s a parent to do when their child shows them nothing but disrespect and attitude? Today on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston shares how to establish an environment at home where respect reigns king.

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Adam was a good kid who came from a Christian home. But when he transformed into a disrespectful, dishonest, and rebellious teen, his parents turned to me for help.

When I sat down to talk with Adam, this is what he told me:

He was only allowed to watch G- rated movies. He couldn’t wear t-shirts with any insignia of any kind. He couldn’t go out during the week, unless it was for church. He was only allowed to listen to Christian music. And this kid was seventeen years old!

Now, Adam’s parents had good intentions. They followed their protective instincts. But their rigid boundaries actually drove their son to rebellion.

Are you trying to shield your teen from danger? Train him for the world in which he’ll live … not the world you wish he could live in!

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When teens step out of line, I always encourage parents to uncover the real reason behind their behavior. But in certain circumstances, it’s possible they’re dealing with a good ol’ case of rebellion.

If you truly have a rebellious teen on your hands, here’s my encouragement: God has not abandoned you! Even when you don’t see it, He’s at work. And in due time, God’s gonna use everything that’s happening in the life of your teen to bring him or her to a better place.

Now, it’s the “due time” part that’s the kicker for us. It could be a month, or it could be twenty years. But however long it takes, don’t underestimate God’s continual involvement in your situation. He hasn’t left you or your teen … and He never will.

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As teens strike out on their own, it’s easy for them to get lost in bad decisions. And unless parents reach out in a loving and nonjudgmental way, they may never find their way back home.

The reality is that many of our sons and daughters will get lost. They’ll make a wrong turn. It’ll get too dark out. Or they’ll get curious about what’s down another road. Chances are, you remember what it’s like to get lost, too.

So when your teen calls for help, what will you say? “What do you mean you’re lost?!” … Or, “Sit tight and I’ll come get you?”

Don’t turn your back on your teen in their time of greatest need. Instead, reach out with love and compassion … and be willing to do whatever it takes to bring them home.

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Most parents really do have worthwhile advice to offer their teens … but sometimes, they mess up in the delivery.

The key to offering constructive criticism is to deliver your message at the right time, in the right way, and with the right motives. Sound tricky? Listen to these tips …

First, wait for your teen to ask for your opinion before sharing it.

Second, give feedback on their behavior and choices, not their person.

And third, make sure your words are intended to meet their needs, not your own.

Proverbs 25:11 says that “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” And constructive comments given at the right time, in the right way, and with the right motives can become a powerful tool for helping your teen grow up.

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Whenever your car’s “Check Engine” light comes on, it’s usually accompanied by that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach.

Sometimes, the engine light means you need a costly repair. Other times, it’s just a minor glitch. But until you take your car in, you live in a shroud of mystery. Could be big. Could be small.

A teen’s inappropriate behavior works the same way. It’s a device for getting your attention. And your task as a parent is to understand the motivation behind the actions.

Is your teen acting out? Bad behavior is like the engine light in your car. So don’t get distracted by what you see. Instead, look deeper into your teen’s life … and get started on making the repair.

If you listen on a mobile phone or tablet, please download our Parenting Today’s Teens app available for Apple or Android. If you listen on a desktop or laptop computer, press the “play” button above to enjoy daily parenting advice.