NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE 

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy 

***

Part 1

What is the color of Christmas?

The white of untouched snow?

The green of a Douglas Fir

Or ceaseless mistletoe? 

Could it be the red of stockings? 

Or yule-log’s golden breath?

No. The color of Christmas is black 

Black of a moonless winter's night

The black of coal in the abyss

The black of death

***

Koopman’s Department Store presents:

The 12 Days of Christmas 

Grand Parade to city conveyed 

This season big business

Announcer from Channel Thirteen 

Mic picked up howling wind 

Nor’easter of the century 

From Greenland rolling in 

Each float branded to perfection

Each with a sponsored theme 

Franzenstein gingerbread houses 

Toscani nativity scenes 

They rolled along 34th street

Up to Koopman’s revolving door 

Where Steve and his wife Portia throned 

King and Queen of the store 

A masterpiece of art nouveau 

Engulfing block, tower 

Dazzling retail cathedral 

Where hard won coin showered 

The windows full of season’s displays

Gorgeous crystalline glass

Each winter fantasies 

Available for cash 

Announcer spoke up: “Here she comes

It’s Mercedes Koopman

Steve and Portia’s only daughter 

With her vocal debut” 

The pre-teen rode high on a float

Promoting her own brand 

Hawking neon fast fashion 

And song without a band 

Just as Mercedes started up

Before her vocals dropped

Announcer said: “Wait… here comes Santa Claus?

And he’s coming in hot” 

Santa revved red convertible 

Madness flashed in his eyes

He aimed full speed for Koopman’s store 

Mercedes forced to dive

The crash destroyed the singer’s float 

As Santa stripped his clothes

Revealing a Satan suit beneath 

To the crowd he exposed 

Something from out of his waistband 

From crotch depth fustiness

He waved it around and yodeled:

“The hammer of justice!”

With hardware Santa Claus screaming:

“You bourgeois pigs must die

This one goes out to you, my Pearl” 

Blue-haired girl averted eyes

He raised the groin-secreted tool 

Shattered Koopman’s displays 

Screamed about theory of labor 

And radical cliches

Christian protestors turned their backs 

So-called allies turned...

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