NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE
Words + Music by Geordie McElroy
Part Four
In a parking lot, Dunn waited
Desperate, fleeing gallows
In the backseat of a federal fleet
Obscured among shadows
When agent Jones entered her car
Dunn made himself known
“Please, this whole things is a setup
Couldn’t reach out by phone”
Dunn produced the North Pole matchbook
The burden that he lugged
Who could these markings belong to
These fingerprints in blood
"How did you know where to find me?”
“I know what your routine is”
"I need your help to search this thumb
No way it’s Joe Martinez”
***
Jones and Dunn worked in underground lab
Federal agent convinced
Needed to find the owner of
These bloody fingerprints
The system ran a billion thumbs
To try to make a match
With a ding as it landed on
A perfect pair at last
“It’s just like you said,” Jones showed him
“These prints are Joe Martinez”
“But he’s been dead 13 years
Any explanation for this?”
“Let’s check Martinez’s first arrest
In analogue era
If system hits another print
We can pin-point error”
Jones pulled up Martinez’s file
From 1993
There was a different ink thumb
For anyone to see
“What happens if we run this one?
It might land on our Joe
But if its a sloppy hacking job
The culprit’s one may show”
Jones ran the print from ’93
“I think that there’s a glitch”
A face and name appeared on screen
"Not sure how this was missed”
“His name is Kolya Kalmykov
With deep alias list
Nicky Green Eyes, Ochi Nefrit
Others call him: St. Nick”
“13 years ago he vanished
Gave Interpol the slip
How did he and Joe Martinez
Get their fingerprints flipped?”
Agent showed a grainy photo
From years and year long past
A man with topknot, golden teeth
And dangling mustache
“I know I’ve seen that face somewhere
Doppelgänger for Kohl
But that man can’t be our sergeant
He’s decades way too old”
“Could Kalmykov be Kohl’s father?
Fingerprints passed to son?”
“No, every set is unique
That’s just not how its done”
“If these prints belong to Kolya
Could be a lighting trick
Or perhaps plastic surgery
But your sergeant is St. Nick”
***
Kohl and Noel entered banya
Obscured in clouds of steam
The holy warmth wrapped around them
Surpassing North Pole dreams
“Are these hot tubs your key to youth?"
Noel asked the Sergeant
“No I’ve got a potion stronger
Kept in far compartment”
He said: “It’s one part reindeer fat
And glandular secretions
a touch of Volga black magic
Plus one secret ingredient”
He led her into deepest room
Through hot fog distortions
“Here’s the key to the whole process:
Essential oil of orphan”
Within she saw apparatus
A distillation vat
Tubes and pipes and metal kettles
Lost girls boiled in back
“Roxanne, Roxanne are you okay?”
Kohl said: “She can’t hear you
They’re nearly drained of every drop
You see they’ve lost their dew”
Noel saw countless graduates
Of St. Nick’s Home for Girls
Strapped into the sauna machine
Obscured in hot rock swirls
Their eyes were glazed, their mouths open
Drool dribbled on their chins
“These are of no use to me now
Each one is a has-been”
“It’s you I need my fresh Noel
Let me bask in your glow
Wouldn’t you like to warm in here
Or freeze out in the snow?”
“Why do you treat us so awful?”
Noel asked the Sergeant
“Suffering key to E.O.O.
Orphan tear enlargement”
“You want to drain my tears?” she said
“No, you misunderstand
You’re the one I’ve been searching for
Come here now, take my hand”
Sergeant told Noel: “I need you
As much as you need me
An eternity forever
I’m the sand; you, the sea”
“For 13 long years I’ve watched you
Never seen your equal
I figured out eternal life
Co-star in my sequel”
“Never!” Screamed Noel. And she turned
Made a break for the door
But the exit was obstructed
By huge birch waving masseurs
“What a shame,” said Sergeant Kohl
“You could rule by my side
But you had to seal your own fate
Time to suck your tears dry”
***
Izzy awoke is custody
Chained in clandestine cell
A shining light blinded the boy
His slacks soiled as well
A voice emerged from the Shadows
“You thought you’d have a look
What did you think of the North Pole?
And where is our matchbook?”
“I’m not telling you anything”
Izzy exclaimed: “Fascist!
You’re cowards with greater numbers
You hide behind your badges”
“There’s someone you need to speak with
He can help with this matter
He’s a hypnosis pioneer”
Into the light, stepped Dr. Adler
The doctor purred to Izzy
“Follow this piece of Jade
Listen to the sound of my voice
Let’s penetrate that brain”
Izzy tracking the moving jewel
Time, defenses melting
“Why did you come to the North Pole Club?"
Adler asked the gelding
“I hate stepmom, Portia Koopman
Saw her name on hit list
But as much as I want her gone
There’s no justice in this”
“Everything has been horrible
Since my dad remarried
I can’t stop putting on weight
And it’s embarrassing”
“I look ridiculous dressed up
Casual I’m a bum
I can’t attract anybody
I don’t know how it’s done”
“I haven’t fit in anywhere
Since my real mother died
I think I’ve become this messed up
Seeking some place to hide”
“When my mother was alive
Everything was easy
Good was good, and evil evil
Now everything deceiving”
“I can’t tell the difference
Between right and wrong
If doing right gets you nothing
And foulness brings throngs”
“Good things should happen to good people
And the wicked punished
All I want is simplicity
All I want is justice”
Dr. Adler leaned in closely
Whispered in Izzy’s ear:
“Do you know what you have to do?
The answer is spring-fed clear”
“This year you get what you desire
Finally, your justice
The time has come to kill Portia
And all is healed, trust us”
***
Noel strapped in oil extractor
Dial cranked to the max
The sweat started to pour on her brow
The heat started to tax
The orphan began to fade out
And soon she lost her glow
As drop by drop the vat was filled
With precious E.O.O.
“My best girl, you could have joined me
We could have ruled together
What’s the point of eternal life
If I’m alone forever?”
“I’ll never be like you she said
Chasm between us far”
Sergeant said: “I don’t think that’s so
Know who your parents are?”
Before he answered the question
With poison tongue pollute
From deepest depths of the banya
A melody on flute
“Guards!” The sergeant shouted to masseurs
“Which one is on patrol?”
But none of his men responded
Sentries turned to coal
From clouds of steam a man emerged
With seal furs and a patch
There stood the figure Knecht Ruprecht
Who snapped the orphan’s straps
Kohl locked eyes with hermit crab ghoul
From frozen depths of hell
Ruprecht softly addressed sergeant
“I’ve come here for Noel”
Kohl chastised the fur clad figure
“Some other orphan bother
This one right here is spoken for
I am Noel’s father”
“What?!?” screamed Noel. “Impossible
No way that I’m your seed”
Just then Kohl made recognition
Old memories he seized
“You?” Said Kohl, with terror mounting
“I’ve seen you once before
But that was lifetimes ago
On Volga’s eastern shore”
“Indeed you did,” answered Ruprecht
“You were just a foal”
Then he lifted up his eye patch
The Sergeant turned to coal
***
Noel and Ruprecht stood atop
Skyscraper made of glass
The highest point in low down town
Above fetid morass
Winter whipped, and the north wind blew
The coldest place on earth
“Why have you brought me here?” she asked
“To hand out just deserts”
“What can you see before you now?
A city without a soul
Rotten folks have exploited you
So now they’ll turn to coal”
Noel stared down at the city
Peering over the edge
Ruprecht said: “Come follow me girl
It’s time we get revenge”
***
Channel 13 weatherman said:
“It’s record breaking cold
Upon this moonless Christmas Eve
Hope you’re all safe at home”
“Remember kids: Santa’s coming
So please, leave a snack out..”
The signal cut along with the lights
A citywide blackout
***
Flashlight combing Koopman’s wreckage
Steve’s text on secret phone:
“SOS! Can’t talk right now, babe
Sorry, I’m not alone”
“You need to get down here right now
I don’t care if you’re busy
This isn’t about you and me
This is about Izzy”
***
Through oceans of black Steve speeding
Past the marsh, dead man’s cove
Along abandoned cannery row
To North Pole club he drove
His headlights flashed the darkened lot
He found Pearl waiting
“What’s the matter with the boy now?
Was he… masturbating?”
“No. But when he saw me he freaked
He got beat up by elves
Then carted away by the cops
I saw it all myself”
“So does Izzy know about us?
Did any info leak?
Does he know of our secret love?
I thought we were discreet”
“We need to go find him,” Steve said
“He might be in a cell
That’s no way to spend Christmas Eve
Honestly sounds like hell”
***
Stoll and Wargo kicked down the door
Entered Dunn’s apartment
Guns and flashlights swept the hallway
Said: “Police department”
Wargo eyed the place with pity
“Look how this slob’s living
Stains, filth, and countless cans
I almost feel forgiving”
“This is the haunt of a creature”
Stoll uttered in disgust
“That trees been dead some 13 years
Look at all of this dust”
“Obviously, Dunn has gone crazy
Through Adler’s bewitchery
Let’s do this and get on home
Put him out of his misery”
In the back they heard a shower
Traced it to the bathroom
Opened door triggered booby trap
Twin shotguns went KABOOM
***
Witching hour on 34th
Dunn stalked in the shadows
Disguised in ragged Santa suit
Crept to Portia’s rat hole
He came upon broken displays
And shattered charity glass
Dunn slipped into the grave quiet store
Through scenes of chaos passed
Dunn caught a murmur in the depths
Low and steady chanting
Silently he closed in on sound
Footsteps softly planting
He stepped on a piece of broken glass
Invocation silenced
Dunn’s advantage given away
Spine tensed up for violence
A voice called to him from darkness
Hello, Lt. Dunn
Flashlight spotted Portia Koopman
On Santa’s throne she slung
“You knew I was coming," asked Dunn?
“Isn’t it obvious?
You should have finished me sooner
I blame your sloppiness”
“I’m not here to kill you,” said Dunn
“I came here in warning
St. Nick has found out where you are
He wants you dead by morning”
“St. Nick? I thought you were the bank
That Volga goon is a clown
I taught him everything he knows
No way he takes me down”
Dunn drew up his silent pistol
Eyes locked without a blink
“Who sent you on this fool’s errand?
Tell me it wasn’t Nick”
“What do you mean?” Dunn asked Portia
“You know about the list?”
“He and I are old friends, you know
Didn’t expect this twist?”
“We’ve been in business for many years
Koopman’s is his bankroll
He gets ingredients I need
And for that I’m thankful”
"Could you fathom growing old?
Losing your looks, your grace?
E.O.O. does wonders for glow
It tightens up the face”
“This town doesn’t have time for age
You know it likes them fresh
You can’t turn back the mortal clock
But try and...
