THE LEGEND OF PEARLY SWEET
In the beginning, there was a tree,
and inside of that tree was me,
or my name ain’t Pearly Sweet.
That’s P-E-A-R-L-Y,
and just like a jewel, honey,
watch me shine.
Now that I’ve told all y’all my name,
make sure that you don’t forget it again,
’cause when I tame a storm,
I don’t break no sweat.
I’m ‘bout the baddest
mamma jamma you’ve ever met.
I was born on the side of a mountain—
started walkin’ the first day,
even whupped a Wampus Cat
that tried to drag me away.
Now that ol’ hellcat is my best friend.
I saddled him up ’n I named him Ben.
Me ’n Ben ride fast through the woods,
lookin’ for them that’s up to no good.
’Cause I’m the one who carves out the river,
I’m the one who makes it flood.
Honey, you can hear me comin’
from the holler to the hood.
When I dance there’s thunder,
I catch lightnin’ in jars.
I’ve lassoed Saturn—
where you think them rings come from?
I’ve arm-wrassled angels ’n hog-tied stars.
I got that don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’ kinda fire.
’Cause I swear I’ll ride Ben right up to your door,
kick it in, or maybe we come up through the floor.
I can charge harder ’n a rhino with his horn bent.
I’ll roll up on the Devil make him pick his own switch.
Best believe, I can shame that ol’ slewfoot too,
have him blubberin’ ‘n make him tell the truth,
then turn right around ’n steal him blind too.
I got a neighbor name of Jack,
and I learned him a thing or three
about lovin’ and fightin’
and tellin’ a good ol’ fashioned story.
Call ’em whoppers or spiels,
tall tales, legends, or yarns—
I’ll tell you what I told him:
the story is your sword.
I can out-fox a lynx
and out-charm a sphinx.
I got stories to m ake you laugh
’n some to make you think.
Once I told a story so fly
I made a Bigfoot cry
’n a Cyclops put out his own eye.
I’ve spellbound giants and kings,
even lured mermaids up from the deep.
And if you think that’s somethin’,
just you wait ’til I really get goin’.
I've out-told every storyteller that drew breath.
I've spun a yarn so crazy that it even spooked Death.
Homer had his epics, Scheherazade had her lines—
Honey, I got ‘em both beat by a country mile.
I’ve got stories about fairies,
’n stories about fauns.
I’ve got stories about dragons
’n death-defyin’ love.
I got a story so good, honey, it’ll save your life—
or at the very least it’ll blow your mind—
have you cryin’, dancin’, ’n singin’
all at the same time.
I’m the Patchwork Woman.
Yeah, I got room enough for all.
And to any of you listenin’ who feel kinda lost—
you don’t have to tell me.
I know what they did.
I know why you ran away
’n I know why you hid.
I know why it’s so hard for you to open up.
But for right here, right now, it’s just us.
Ain’t no bullies allowed up in my tree.
I’ll boot ’em right out,
or my name ain’t Pearly Sweet.
’Cause life ain’t just about knucklin’ up—
don’t you wanna know where the Mothman comes from?
Or the Batsquatch? Or where you can see a Thunderbird soar?
Or hear ‘bout all the best stories you’ve never heard?
Honey, pull up a chair, stool, or bale,
’cause I’m fixin’ to tell you a wonder tale!
See, bards and poets, they come and they go,
but a true storyhound?
That’s a whole different show.
So, if you should hear my name on the breeze goin’ by,
tip your brim to the one who taught the owl to fly.
My name is Pearly Sweet, honey, ’n that’s a fact—
I was here at the beginning,
’n I’ll be the last one left.
