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Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver
Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver with Rayna Neises
It's a great idea as a caregiver to stop and take stock of what's really going on. Are you practicing self-care? Are you taking advantage of all the resources available to you? Sometimes we get so caught up in the care we are providing we lose sight of things that might be helpful to us as caregivers and to those we are caring for. Take a few minutes to reflect.
About Rayna
Rayna Neises understands the joys and challenges that come from a season of caring. She helped care for both of her parents during their separate battles with Alzheimer’s over a thirty-year span. She is able to look back on those days now with no regrets – and she wishes the same for everyone caring for aging parents.
Rayna is the author of No Regrets: Hope for Your Caregiving Season, an ICF certified coach, the host of “A Season of Caring” podcast, and speaker who is passionate about offering encouragement, support, and resources aimed at preventing family caregivers from aimlessly wandering through this important season of life.
Rayna lives on a farm in southeast Kansas with her husband, Ron, and small pack of dogs. She is the baby of her family, but most would never guess that. She is a former teacher and enjoys crafts of all kinds and spending time with her grandkids most of all.
www.aseasonofcaring.com
www.ageucational.com
Full Transcript Below
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to another episode of educational. This is Roy. So we are gonna, uh, kind of multifaceted podcast. What we do is we're going to Chronicle our journey, not only of our aging sequence, but also, you know, how we deal with our parents. Um, Terry's unfortunately lost her, her father to Alzheimer's. So he, he was, uh, in the Alzheimer's around for about 12, 14 years, and finally passed. So she has got a lot of experience dealing with that, but also it's just the normal things that come up with parents that are aging is what really sparked us to do this. So it's, um, I'm going to be a little combination of us journaling, uh, uh, as chronicling our journey through this, as well as, you know, having guests come on the show and, um, professionals in this space. And so with that, I'm going to let Terry introduce our guests today.
Terry - AGEUcational (00:58):
Yes, we are so excited today to talk to Rayna, Neises. She understands the joys and challenges that come from a season of caring. She helped character, both of her parents during their separate battles with Alzheimer's over a 30 year span. She's able to look back on those days now with no regrets and wishes the same for everyone for aging parents, Raina is the author of no regrets. Hopefully your caregiving giving season. She is an ICF certified coach, the host of a season of caring podcast and a speaker who was passionate about offering encouragement, support and resources aimed at preventing family caregivers from aimlessly wandering through this important season of life. Reyna, thank you so much for joining us. We're so excited to talk to you today.
Rayna (01:51):
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (01:54):
Yeah. And so, I mean this, the caregiving, I guess the biggest thing we usually start out talking about is the, uh, you know, communication. So like anything else so important, and it's so important to talk about communication. They, for, uh, this, for the emergency happens is to try to pre pre plan, talk about things, get, um, get your aging, loved ones, desires, uh, you know, if you can get them to write it down, that's even better, but at least Chronicle it so that when the, uh, you know, when emergencies do arise, everybody seems to be on the same page.
Rayna (02:38):
Communication be so tricky because none of us want to age. Right. And we certainly don't want to talk about getting to the end of our lives. So I think it is tricky and it is so important. I agree.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (02:51):
Yeah. And it's, it's a uncomfortable conversation, you know, I try to talk about with my kids and I get the, you know, still the hands over ears. Don't want to talk about this. And, uh, but you know, it's like, I try to tell them it's gonna make it easier for you guys in the end. And, uh, that, and also, you know, luckily my kids and I think Terry can attest that her siblings were, um, have a good enough relationship. It didn't become a thing, but the other part, we not only want to do what our parents or loved ones wish, but we just don't want it to tear a family of parties,
Terry - AGEUcational (03:26):
Not the rest of the family dynamics go into play.
Rayna (03:32):
It's really important that I have one sister and, you know, unfortunately for us, my mom was diagnosed at 53 years old with Alzheimer's. And so I was 16 when she died, was diagnosed and she was non-verbal within four years, I say three to four years. Um, she wasn't able to put her own words together and have a conversation about what was important to her. So when I look back on that journey with my mom, you know, we really didn't know what was important to her, what she would have wanted it to look like. My dad obviously was her primary caregiver and he was able to be her voice, but then seven years after her passing, my dad was diagnosed. And so we definitely sat down and had some tough conversations and really talk through a lot more because we realized number one, what it was going to be like. But we also knew my sister and I were going to need to be the ones to help make those decisions because you know, dad was able to do it for mom, but there wasn't anybody for him, but us.
Terry - AGEUcational (04:33):
Oh my gosh, you said you were young and your dad, how old was your dad? When he was diagnosed? He was 72
Rayna (04:44):
And he lived 14 years with the disease. So,
Terry - AGEUcational (04:47):
Yeah.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (04:50):
Yeah. So it gives you a perspective of actually having to be the person to provide care, you know, and that's such, even though your dad was there for your mom is still at such a young age that I can only imagine, you know, how you must have felt going through that. But what are some of the, I guess the top needs are, what are, uh, you know, what are caregivers lacking to give themselves? Cause that's usually what we talk about when, you know, people that care for others, they're so busy and focused to give to others that they typically tend to forget to give to themselves and take care of themselves, cut themselves a break about, you know, not getting everything done so well, you know, what are some things that you see that caregiver caregivers are kind of hurting themselves by lacking in some areas
Rayna (05:41):
Honestly, time to themselves is probably the number one thing that they don't have. And without taking time for yourself, you don't take time for reflection. And you know, my book is called no regrets and I've had people say, wow, that's, that's a statement. And I'm like, yeah, it is. But it's because throughout that caregiving season with my dad, I took the time to reflect what's working well, what's not working well. Why was I short with him today? Am I missing sleep? Did I have enough to eat? You know, really taking time to look at day by day, what's working, what's not working. What do I need to do differently in order to make this a better situation? And so it's not that I never did anything that I wished I hadn't done it's that I was able to correct it as I went through the process.
Rayna (06:30):
And I was really able to, by the time I buried him, reach that point of saying, you know, I wouldn't have done anything different in the big picture of things. So I think as a caregiver, really, you have to take time to ask yourself those questions. And that's where honestly, having a coach can make a big difference, because sometimes you can't even think of the questions to ask yourself. And so having an outside person ask some of those questions and help you really get to the root of where some of those struggles are coming from can make a big difference too.
Terry - AGEUcational (07:04):
Oh no. I was going to say, and that really is, is kind of all encompassing for everything, but the caregiving, I mean, if they don't aren't caregivers, um, they isn't there a higher percentage of them, um, going away before their loved ones do, because they don't, a lot of them don't take care of themselves. Right.
Rayna (07:27):
Right. So overall caregiving, 30% pass away before the person they're caring for. But when you get into Alzheimer's, it's higher than that, it's in the sixties. And I think that's partially because we have, you know, elderly taking care of each other. We have spouses taking care of each other. And so, um, we, we, we don't take care of ourselves a lot of times, unless somebody really does help remind us of those things, whether it be keeping doctor's appointments or getting the rest that you need, you know, as my dad progressed in his disease, he didn't sleep as well. And you are worried about them wandering and you know, there's so much more that has to be, you have to stay on top of that. You really do have to make sure you protect those things. So you look at how much rest you're getting, how you're eating all of those things. And, you know, I think as a caregiver, we get tired of hearing about self-care. I know what I didn't like to hear about self-care, but as a person, on the other side, I talk about it a lot because it does make such a big difference and it's not self care pampering yourself because that isn't realistic in the deep, in the depths of your caregiving. It is important to take little times to do that. It is.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
I agree, but that isn't all that there,
Rayna (08:39):
There has to be the daily, every day things. And I think it comes back to remembering what brings you joy and finding ways to bring that back into your life, remembering how your body functions that you have to have sleep. You have to have water, you have eat well, all of the exercise, all of those things.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (08:59):
Yeah. And that self-awareness is a huge component because I served as a, uh, a volunteer long-term care ombudsman here in the state of Texas for a long time. And, you know, that's what we would typically see is, uh, when there were incidents of abuse, whether it be physical or mental or emotional that, um, it was typically when there was short-staffed staff would have to double over maybe double over for weeks on end, just to try to fill the gap. And that's usually when these incidents happen. And, you know, I just relating that to even personally that, you know, when we get tired, our fuses get short, we things that we could normally tolerate irritate us. And so being sure that we get enough rest is very, very important.
Rayna (09:53):
It is. And it can be more challenging than you realize again, when you're caregiving, there's not consistency. Oftentimes the schedule is so inconsistent because of the person that you're caring for. And so those rituals that help us have good sleep, the rituals that we can develop to get to bed at a certain time and to do read before we go to bed or take a bath or whatever it is that helps you get ready to sleep, um, can be interrupted and then you can be asleep and they can be up for something and that's interrupted. So it really can be. Yeah,
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (10:29):
Yeah. This is where I think the, you know, the conversation that we have prior to, you know, getting in these situations with others because, you know, and, um, I'll let Terry talk more to this, but, you know, being able to ask for help, if you're in that, you know, unfortunately with, uh, people being spread out all over the country, not all the time or siblings, all right there to be able to pitch in, but when they are, it's such a big benefit to just get some relief, even if it's for, you know, going home and getting that good night's sleep. And, um, you know, I know that Terry has a sister that's in California and there's instances where, you know, through planning, she'll come in and stay for a couple of weeks to kind of relieve the two that live here. So, um, again, we get back to the communication and all that is that if you can have these alternative plans, but the other part to it, it's, um, we're struggling with this a little bit, but the, the asking for help is that it's okay as a caregiver to say, Hey, I need some help.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (11:33):
And, uh, you know, we need to try to talk our loved ones into being okay with getting non-family your outside help. That's so important.
Rayna (11:46):
It is. I'm always emphasizing with my clients and on our podcast team, you have to look at the team. And I, I love that you mentioned sister that's in California because I actually live 220 miles from my dad. And so I drove up and stayed with him in his home three days a week for two and a half years, and then every other weekend for the last two years of his life, because I was able to do that with my family and that worked for our family. It doesn't work for everybody, but at the same time, just because you're out of town, doesn't mean you aren't a part of the team. And so many times I meet long distance caregivers who don't even think that they're part of the team. So I do think it's so important to realize that there are all kinds of people on your team, the medical staff are part of your team, your family members, the guy who knows the grass, you know, getting that help and asking for the things that you need are. So,
Terry - AGEUcational (12:38):
Yeah. And you know, I have my other sisters here in the Dallas area and, um, we kind of both, you know, took mom and dad is like she said, okay, I'm taking dad. You're going to take mom. Well, now that dad's been gone for five years, I don't think that's such a great idea just for fun in my mind, you know, but my sister in, uh, California, she is, she is very supportive and she never questions anybody's, um, decisions or, you know, any, you know, if, and if we had an upcoming doctor's appointment for, for mom recently, she had a hospital stay and she, uh, she came up with a list of questions and she's like, okay, well, do you, you know, just, she helped in every way that she could, it really does take all of you to do it, but I know that everybody doesn't have somebody else to help with that. So, yeah.
Rayna (13:38):
Challenging and not everybody gets along. I mean, the truth is
Terry - AGEUcational (13:41):
Right.
Rayna (13:44):
And a lot of times, well, before our parents get to that older age stage, so it is challenging. But I think again, the communication becomes so important to make that person feel wanted and needed and to find things that they can do and feel like they're a part of it. So I lived, you know, away from my family. So it was like, I was home with my husband and kids on the farm three days, a week, three and a half days a week. And there were still things that needed to be done. You know, it was all on my sister when I was out of town. And so I learned, you know, I can make the phone calls if we need to find in-home care, or if we need to look for a different doctor, I was the one who did those things. So I think again, adjusting your perspective and making sure that you're including them. And I always say the key is invite. When we invite someone to dinner, we don't have an expectation. We aren't going to be all mad at them. If they don't come, if it doesn't work for them, right. We're just going to offer the invitation. Are you available? Can you help with this? And so if we stop inviting, then they feel like they don't matter. So if we invite without expectations,
Terry - AGEUcational (14:49):
Right, exactly,
Rayna (14:52):
No, you're right. I mean, you have to say what you need and if you don't ever ask for it, you can never get it. And so I think also then we have to realize outside of our family, and you mentioned too, just getting our loved ones to be willing, to take help outside of our family. But I think sometimes we sell them short and we don't offer different personalities and different people in activities that can be a part of our team. We, we took my dad to a day stay program and it was a memory care unit that had just people who came in during the day. And my aunt, his sister said, ah, he's not going to like that. No way dad loved it. He went the full four and a half years that he, in that we were caring for him and he loved it. We called it a social club ready to go to the club and visit the guys, you know? And so sometimes we have preconceived ideas. Yeah. Well, there were more women than men, but there was others, I guess that could be true at a frat house too. Right.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (15:50):
You know, I think that, you know, the day stays. I think it's good to talk about that for just a minute because, um, you know, so many of us, of a certain age, we have the memories of the old nursing home model back, you know, in the sixties and seventies when everybody was in the lobby and their wheelchair. And unfortunately, uh, it was just, uh, it was, there was no interact action and it was just a bad sight. Uh, it was sickening actually the way that, that, that all happened. But today things have changed so much. And, um, some of these, um, day stays. If you look around, if you have an option to choose, I know some that have very, um, in-depth programs, art programs, music programs, writing. I mean, it's unbelievable the options that they give them to, uh, you know, be a part of something, but also to kind of work their mind, work their bodies,
Rayna (16:53):
For sure. And like I said, that socialization, it seems so interesting. My dad was a very social guy, but one of the things he was extremely physically fit and most people were shocked, but in his eighties, he was still playing volleyball three times a week and going to the gym three times a week. And so we continued as many of those physical activities that we could as well. But some of them, he became really self-aware that he wasn't the same as he had been before. And so he started to give up, he actually played softball and traveled on a competitive team and into his late seventies. And that was one of the first things he gave up. And I was so sad and I said, dad, why don't you want to play anymore? And he said, I don't want to be that guy that doesn't, that's the weak link on the team.
Rayna (17:37):
And so, because these people had known him for so long, he couldn't be comfortable with them. And in this environment where there were, again, no expectations, he could walk into the day, stay and enjoy and be himself where he was in that moment. And it was okay. There was no expectation for him to be something else. And so I do think it's amazing all the things that they have planned and just that socialization and then has a family member, you know, it was a time for him to be safe, to be taken care of. And we also had the nurses and things on staff that we could run things by them. If we were trying a new medication, can you keep an eye out for any side effects? You know, it was just, our team grew significantly with them on the team. And so again, I just think looking at and really evaluating who's on your team, where are your holes and how can you fill those holes in a more creative way than just expecting family to do at all?
Rayna (18:34):
Because I think that's one of the reasons why family caregivers burnouts and are not doing as good of a job as they could is because they think only family can. And it's just not true. The team needs to be a large group of people with all kinds of strengths and weaknesses. And I've actually created, um, a quiz called the caring, caring quiz.com. And it lets you go in and learn your caring style and learn a little bit about who you are as a caregiver and maybe what your strengths are. Maybe some areas you might need some help on. And then through a series of emails that you get after taking the caring quiz, then you also get a chance to kind of ask your team members to take that quiz and see what their personalities are and possibly see what other types of people you need on your team.
Rayna (19:19):
Not to mention what tasks you're, you're you are responsible for and what tasks other people are responsible for. And are they a good fit? Because like all things in caregiving, we shouldn't do it all, you know, and we might not have the right personality to do that. And this is just, it is an act of love and it is so important, but it's somewhat like a job every day. There are responsibilities and things that you're, that people are counting on you for. And if that's outside of your zone, then you're probably going to burn out. So really thinking about your strengths and what you need to bring in for support, that's not in your strength can make a big difference.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (20:00):
Uh, we had a little, little freeze up there. We'll try and move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure. I might, we had some app issues here too, so we'll just, that's all right. W we'll be good. Um, so yeah, I think, uh, you know, the providing the encouragement kind of get back to that whole team, but I, I think that's a good, uh, yeah, the quiz is good because that way there are different people that are, um, yes, well, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and if we can kind of align those with the care that we're providing, uh, I think that's, yeah,
Rayna (20:44):
What's funny. I was talking to a client one day and she was saying by the end of the day, my mom and I are just it's, we're not jiving. It's just kinda tough. And I said, you know, she might be sick of you by then. She laughed. And she was like, well, and I said, well, you're it, that's all she sees. I mean, your husband's around in and out, but she sees you all day long. You're the one boss and her around, probably not that you're being mean, but you're trying to help. And I said, but she might be tired. You, you know, if you bring somebody else in with a different personality, they might just bring a different, you know, take to her day and she might be a little easier to deal with by the time you get to that point. So I do think different personalities really can help even the person we're caring for.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (21:27):
It's so important. Yeah. The, uh, the other thing is the, um, I think we have to put ourself in that position of now my child is, uh, typically it's our children, but now our child is the one that's trying to tell us what to do. And sometimes it's not just, it's not the advice that we're giving sometimes it's just that it's very difficult to think. And I think the other thing is that what I feel is it, um, it's not only that somebody is trying to influence you to do something or tell you what to do, but it's also, maybe it's the, um, the realization now that all of a sudden somebody is having to tell you things to do to help you. And I think that can be very difficult on the aging psyche, because, you know, it's just another reminder. It's like, you know, I don't need to wake up today and have another reminder that I'm getting old and I need help. And that's, unfortunately, I feel like that's what happens when we, even though we feel we're delivering a message, very encouragingly that will help the person. It's just the, what comes across well. Yeah, well, but it's just there. It's where they are in their mindset. That's like, I just don't really, uh, I don't need this. I mean, it's, I may need it, but I am, again, it's just a reminder that I do need it, which is not a good thing.
Rayna (22:55):
Well, even I think with Alzheimer's sometimes they don't need it. And that was one thing that we really emphasized with the people that we asked to help care for. My dad was only step in when he needs it, because today he might be able to pick up that toothpaste and put it on the toothbrush and brush his teeth. But tomorrow he might start to brush his teeth without toothpaste. So let him try and then step and say, Oh Bob, can I go ahead and put some toothpaste on there for you? You know, only offer when it's needed. I think so many times with people with Alzheimer's, we have a tendency to just assume that today is the same as yesterday, and that they're going to have to have help. I might as well just do it. And that doesn't leave them the dignity that they deserve.
Rayna (23:36):
I mean, all of us have egos and it is reality. And as much as we can honor that, the more that they are happy, the less combative they are, the less frustrated they are with life and only being a support. I was an educator. And so I always think of when you're trying to help a child, who's struggling, you don't tell them the word, you help them sound it out. You help them sound, make each sound. If they don't know this sound, you tell them the sound they don't know. And then if they can't hear it, you help blend it together. You know, it's small steps that you intervene and you offer support. You don't just come in and read it to them. And I think so many times with aging, we have, as soon as you just come in and do it all, instead of letting them do what they're capable of doing and assisting them where they need the help
Terry - AGEUcational (24:22):
Just to get it done, you know, we think we're just doing it because we're just going to get it done and make sure that it gets done and then go on. We're not taking everything into account.
Rayna (24:33):
Exactly. It's not a race, although it feels like it's an assessment,
Terry - AGEUcational (24:37):
Right. Everything we want today, it's like, everything's on demand, you know, right now, go through the drive-through and get it, get it, get it, get it, get, and then you get home and it's like, what, what happened today?
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (24:50):
Yeah. So, um, uh,
Terry - AGEUcational (24:56):
I was going to say, so it's, so you have a book coming out. When is your book coming out and tell us about, tell us about it.
Rayna (25:03):
Thank you. I am so excited about it. Um, so our, my book is our story. So it is heartwarming stories. As people have called it of our journey, as well as the practical tips of the things that we found as a family that helped us in helping both of my parents age. So the name of the book is no regrets hope for your caregiving season. And it is designed with practical tips and ideas mixed with stories. Um, the first half is about the caring process. You know, how to find the team that you need, how to honor your parents as you're caring for them as they age. And the second half is that yucky self care word. But some things that I found really did make a difference for me in helping me coach myself through it and how to really be able to look back with no regrets.
Rayna (25:49):
And so it will be in bookstores nationwide in June. Um, but right now I have some pre-orders available. So if you actually visit your major retailers online and pre-order a copy, then you can visit my [email protected] and I'm actually giving away a hundred free copies that are signed. So I still have quite a few left. So if you pre-order, then there's a little form on my website that you can just fill out that form and I will drop a signed copy in the mail to you. And you can, you'll have to, you can give one away as a gift when June, when she first gets here. So again, that's no regrets-book.com.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (26:30):
Yeah. Don't wait. Uh, even if you're younger and not in this position, right. This moment, don't, don't, um, don't put off, give it and learn it and read it and be prepared. I think that's a, you know, a part of the other message with the communication part is just preparedness. It's never easy. You're not going to be able to it's
Terry - AGEUcational (26:50):
And you never know what life is gonna throw at you either. I mean, you can play, you can be prepared to it to a point, but you need to have all the basic, you need to have structure at least, you know, to help.
Rayna (27:04):
I mean, those conversations, you're never going to regret that. And so even if something changes now is the time to do it, you know, having making the investment in long-term care insurance or making the plans and understanding how much those things are gonna cost, you know, really being able to have those conversations. It you're just not going to regret it. And the more often you talk about it, the less uncomfortable it is. And so I don't think you're ever too young to start having those conversations. I agree.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (27:34):
Yeah. And you can, there's other things that we can do. They don't always have to be the difficult subjects are the subjects we don't want to address, but we can weave into that other things. And, uh, there's, uh, there's other providers out there, but there's a, um, there's a service that we've signed up for. And it, what they do is they send a question to our moms every week and it gives our mom, um, you know, a chance to write things down. And it gives us a chance to learn about things. Maybe we never asked her or her to go more deeper into things that we know a little about, but excuse me, you know, those are things that you can recreate on your own. And so I think the other part of this is don't wait till it's too late to, to find out your parents' story or your grandparent's story, whether you have to, you know, interview them slowly like this one question at a time, or if they're still able to get them to, you know, write things out.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (28:30):
But, uh, I think the information that they can transfer to us is invaluable because there's still a lot of things that I, you know, I don't know much about my parents or my grand parents, parents, I know a little bit about them. So that was one, some of the first questions that I kind of queued up for my mom is to, uh, you know, tell us more about her grandparents, what they were like. So, you know, we can make these conversations a little less tense and a little less, um, undesirable by kind of weaving in some, uh, you know, some other things in there.
Rayna (29:07):
I agree. I think another way to broach some of those uncomfortable conversations is to talk about other people. So, you know, aunt Sally fell and she broke her hip. And when she went to get out of the hospital, she had to go to a rehab center. What would you want to happen if something happened like that? You know, that just naturally brings those conversations.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (29:26):
Right? Exactly. All right. Well, Ryan and, well, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to be with us. Uh, it's been a pleasure speaking with you, but before we let you go, so what is a tool or a habit? What's something that you do every day, personal or professional that really adds value.
Rayna (29:46):
I would have to say that self reflective part of me and that is through journaling, just asking myself some of those questions about the day, what was the best part of the day? What was the toughest part of the day? What do you want tomorrow to be different? And just taking the time to write those few extra sentences every day helps to impact me both in, you know, making new choices and in being able to be thankful for all the things that happened that day.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (30:13):
Yup. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. And we do have, even when our days go bad, we do have a lot to be thankful. So let's, don't lose sight of that. And I think the other thing that kind of bring up about caregivers is, um, as in life, is that we can tend to beat ourselves up for things we need to be. Uh, we need to be lenient with ourselves, give ourselves a break. We may have had 10 things on our to-do list today, and we got seven done, but we miss three. And, uh, sometimes we can spend our day kicking ourselves for those three that we didn't get done instead of celebrating the seven things. Or maybe you just happen to have a good conversation with one of your parents and through you behind, but let's celebrate those, um, you know, let's celebrate the good things that happened through our day. For sure. Yeah. All right. So if you don't mind tell us, uh, you know, the, um, the, uh, season of caring coaching, who are your clients and how can you help them? And of course working, they reach out and get ahold of you.
Rayna (31:16):
Sure. So most often I'm hired by professional women who are in that season of caring for their aging parents. And they're just feeling completely maxed out. You know, they have the family, they have their own home, and then they have their parents' needs on top of that and finding a way to be able to do it all well, um, can be really frustrating. So that's what we work through is what does it look like to be able to offer the support to your parents, that they need take care of your career, your family, and actually find time for yourself without the guilt, because that's a lot of what we deal with is that guilt side, um, and really be able to just work, work that together and develop the plans that they need to really find the way to do what's most important and be able to look back later and say, I don't have regrets.
Rayna (32:02):
I did, I did what needed to be done. So that's what most of my clients look like. And you can find out more about a season of caring at aseasonofcaring.com and I would love to have you pop on and just shoot me an email. If you'd like to know more, I have free support groups and opportunities for workshops. So I just want to be able to come alongside and support in that season. I've been there and it's not easy, but it is so worth it. It's one of, I interviewed a lady on a podcast one time that said, it's the hardest right thing I ever did. And I think that's, so
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (32:38):
I love the name too. I season of Karen that's. That's really good. Yep. All right. Well remember, it's just a season, I'm sorry
Rayna (32:49):
I say in the middle of it, you really do have to remember. It's just a season and your parents aren't going to be here forever. So that's what I want to encourage people to remember.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (32:57):
Yeah. And that's, you know, kind of another thing is even though, uh, it's not optimal, we still need to relish every moment that we get to spend with them. Sometimes it's not optimal, but, uh, it's better than the alternative. So take advantage of it for sure. For sure. All right. Well, that's going to do it for another episode of educational. Uh, course you can find us at www dot [inaudible] dot com. We're on all the social media, um, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and then of course a, uh, the video version of this will go on YouTube. Once the episode is released, excuse me, you can also find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Google, and Spotify. If we're not on a podcast platform that you listen to, if you'll send a note to me, I'll be glad to get us added to it. So until next time that's going to do it for Roy. You all have a wonderful day and take care of your loved ones. Thank you, Ray. Now we appreciate it. Thank you.
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By Roy Barker
5
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Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver with Rayna Neises
It's a great idea as a caregiver to stop and take stock of what's really going on. Are you practicing self-care? Are you taking advantage of all the resources available to you? Sometimes we get so caught up in the care we are providing we lose sight of things that might be helpful to us as caregivers and to those we are caring for. Take a few minutes to reflect.
About Rayna
Rayna Neises understands the joys and challenges that come from a season of caring. She helped care for both of her parents during their separate battles with Alzheimer’s over a thirty-year span. She is able to look back on those days now with no regrets – and she wishes the same for everyone caring for aging parents.
Rayna is the author of No Regrets: Hope for Your Caregiving Season, an ICF certified coach, the host of “A Season of Caring” podcast, and speaker who is passionate about offering encouragement, support, and resources aimed at preventing family caregivers from aimlessly wandering through this important season of life.
Rayna lives on a farm in southeast Kansas with her husband, Ron, and small pack of dogs. She is the baby of her family, but most would never guess that. She is a former teacher and enjoys crafts of all kinds and spending time with her grandkids most of all.
www.aseasonofcaring.com
www.ageucational.com
Full Transcript Below
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to another episode of educational. This is Roy. So we are gonna, uh, kind of multifaceted podcast. What we do is we're going to Chronicle our journey, not only of our aging sequence, but also, you know, how we deal with our parents. Um, Terry's unfortunately lost her, her father to Alzheimer's. So he, he was, uh, in the Alzheimer's around for about 12, 14 years, and finally passed. So she has got a lot of experience dealing with that, but also it's just the normal things that come up with parents that are aging is what really sparked us to do this. So it's, um, I'm going to be a little combination of us journaling, uh, uh, as chronicling our journey through this, as well as, you know, having guests come on the show and, um, professionals in this space. And so with that, I'm going to let Terry introduce our guests today.
Terry - AGEUcational (00:58):
Yes, we are so excited today to talk to Rayna, Neises. She understands the joys and challenges that come from a season of caring. She helped character, both of her parents during their separate battles with Alzheimer's over a 30 year span. She's able to look back on those days now with no regrets and wishes the same for everyone for aging parents, Raina is the author of no regrets. Hopefully your caregiving giving season. She is an ICF certified coach, the host of a season of caring podcast and a speaker who was passionate about offering encouragement, support and resources aimed at preventing family caregivers from aimlessly wandering through this important season of life. Reyna, thank you so much for joining us. We're so excited to talk to you today.
Rayna (01:51):
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (01:54):
Yeah. And so, I mean this, the caregiving, I guess the biggest thing we usually start out talking about is the, uh, you know, communication. So like anything else so important, and it's so important to talk about communication. They, for, uh, this, for the emergency happens is to try to pre pre plan, talk about things, get, um, get your aging, loved ones, desires, uh, you know, if you can get them to write it down, that's even better, but at least Chronicle it so that when the, uh, you know, when emergencies do arise, everybody seems to be on the same page.
Rayna (02:38):
Communication be so tricky because none of us want to age. Right. And we certainly don't want to talk about getting to the end of our lives. So I think it is tricky and it is so important. I agree.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (02:51):
Yeah. And it's, it's a uncomfortable conversation, you know, I try to talk about with my kids and I get the, you know, still the hands over ears. Don't want to talk about this. And, uh, but you know, it's like, I try to tell them it's gonna make it easier for you guys in the end. And, uh, that, and also, you know, luckily my kids and I think Terry can attest that her siblings were, um, have a good enough relationship. It didn't become a thing, but the other part, we not only want to do what our parents or loved ones wish, but we just don't want it to tear a family of parties,
Terry - AGEUcational (03:26):
Not the rest of the family dynamics go into play.
Rayna (03:32):
It's really important that I have one sister and, you know, unfortunately for us, my mom was diagnosed at 53 years old with Alzheimer's. And so I was 16 when she died, was diagnosed and she was non-verbal within four years, I say three to four years. Um, she wasn't able to put her own words together and have a conversation about what was important to her. So when I look back on that journey with my mom, you know, we really didn't know what was important to her, what she would have wanted it to look like. My dad obviously was her primary caregiver and he was able to be her voice, but then seven years after her passing, my dad was diagnosed. And so we definitely sat down and had some tough conversations and really talk through a lot more because we realized number one, what it was going to be like. But we also knew my sister and I were going to need to be the ones to help make those decisions because you know, dad was able to do it for mom, but there wasn't anybody for him, but us.
Terry - AGEUcational (04:33):
Oh my gosh, you said you were young and your dad, how old was your dad? When he was diagnosed? He was 72
Rayna (04:44):
And he lived 14 years with the disease. So,
Terry - AGEUcational (04:47):
Yeah.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (04:50):
Yeah. So it gives you a perspective of actually having to be the person to provide care, you know, and that's such, even though your dad was there for your mom is still at such a young age that I can only imagine, you know, how you must have felt going through that. But what are some of the, I guess the top needs are, what are, uh, you know, what are caregivers lacking to give themselves? Cause that's usually what we talk about when, you know, people that care for others, they're so busy and focused to give to others that they typically tend to forget to give to themselves and take care of themselves, cut themselves a break about, you know, not getting everything done so well, you know, what are some things that you see that caregiver caregivers are kind of hurting themselves by lacking in some areas
Rayna (05:41):
Honestly, time to themselves is probably the number one thing that they don't have. And without taking time for yourself, you don't take time for reflection. And you know, my book is called no regrets and I've had people say, wow, that's, that's a statement. And I'm like, yeah, it is. But it's because throughout that caregiving season with my dad, I took the time to reflect what's working well, what's not working well. Why was I short with him today? Am I missing sleep? Did I have enough to eat? You know, really taking time to look at day by day, what's working, what's not working. What do I need to do differently in order to make this a better situation? And so it's not that I never did anything that I wished I hadn't done it's that I was able to correct it as I went through the process.
Rayna (06:30):
And I was really able to, by the time I buried him, reach that point of saying, you know, I wouldn't have done anything different in the big picture of things. So I think as a caregiver, really, you have to take time to ask yourself those questions. And that's where honestly, having a coach can make a big difference, because sometimes you can't even think of the questions to ask yourself. And so having an outside person ask some of those questions and help you really get to the root of where some of those struggles are coming from can make a big difference too.
Terry - AGEUcational (07:04):
Oh no. I was going to say, and that really is, is kind of all encompassing for everything, but the caregiving, I mean, if they don't aren't caregivers, um, they isn't there a higher percentage of them, um, going away before their loved ones do, because they don't, a lot of them don't take care of themselves. Right.
Rayna (07:27):
Right. So overall caregiving, 30% pass away before the person they're caring for. But when you get into Alzheimer's, it's higher than that, it's in the sixties. And I think that's partially because we have, you know, elderly taking care of each other. We have spouses taking care of each other. And so, um, we, we, we don't take care of ourselves a lot of times, unless somebody really does help remind us of those things, whether it be keeping doctor's appointments or getting the rest that you need, you know, as my dad progressed in his disease, he didn't sleep as well. And you are worried about them wandering and you know, there's so much more that has to be, you have to stay on top of that. You really do have to make sure you protect those things. So you look at how much rest you're getting, how you're eating all of those things. And, you know, I think as a caregiver, we get tired of hearing about self-care. I know what I didn't like to hear about self-care, but as a person, on the other side, I talk about it a lot because it does make such a big difference and it's not self care pampering yourself because that isn't realistic in the deep, in the depths of your caregiving. It is important to take little times to do that. It is.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
I agree, but that isn't all that there,
Rayna (08:39):
There has to be the daily, every day things. And I think it comes back to remembering what brings you joy and finding ways to bring that back into your life, remembering how your body functions that you have to have sleep. You have to have water, you have eat well, all of the exercise, all of those things.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (08:59):
Yeah. And that self-awareness is a huge component because I served as a, uh, a volunteer long-term care ombudsman here in the state of Texas for a long time. And, you know, that's what we would typically see is, uh, when there were incidents of abuse, whether it be physical or mental or emotional that, um, it was typically when there was short-staffed staff would have to double over maybe double over for weeks on end, just to try to fill the gap. And that's usually when these incidents happen. And, you know, I just relating that to even personally that, you know, when we get tired, our fuses get short, we things that we could normally tolerate irritate us. And so being sure that we get enough rest is very, very important.
Rayna (09:53):
It is. And it can be more challenging than you realize again, when you're caregiving, there's not consistency. Oftentimes the schedule is so inconsistent because of the person that you're caring for. And so those rituals that help us have good sleep, the rituals that we can develop to get to bed at a certain time and to do read before we go to bed or take a bath or whatever it is that helps you get ready to sleep, um, can be interrupted and then you can be asleep and they can be up for something and that's interrupted. So it really can be. Yeah,
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (10:29):
Yeah. This is where I think the, you know, the conversation that we have prior to, you know, getting in these situations with others because, you know, and, um, I'll let Terry talk more to this, but, you know, being able to ask for help, if you're in that, you know, unfortunately with, uh, people being spread out all over the country, not all the time or siblings, all right there to be able to pitch in, but when they are, it's such a big benefit to just get some relief, even if it's for, you know, going home and getting that good night's sleep. And, um, you know, I know that Terry has a sister that's in California and there's instances where, you know, through planning, she'll come in and stay for a couple of weeks to kind of relieve the two that live here. So, um, again, we get back to the communication and all that is that if you can have these alternative plans, but the other part to it, it's, um, we're struggling with this a little bit, but the, the asking for help is that it's okay as a caregiver to say, Hey, I need some help.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (11:33):
And, uh, you know, we need to try to talk our loved ones into being okay with getting non-family your outside help. That's so important.
Rayna (11:46):
It is. I'm always emphasizing with my clients and on our podcast team, you have to look at the team. And I, I love that you mentioned sister that's in California because I actually live 220 miles from my dad. And so I drove up and stayed with him in his home three days a week for two and a half years, and then every other weekend for the last two years of his life, because I was able to do that with my family and that worked for our family. It doesn't work for everybody, but at the same time, just because you're out of town, doesn't mean you aren't a part of the team. And so many times I meet long distance caregivers who don't even think that they're part of the team. So I do think it's so important to realize that there are all kinds of people on your team, the medical staff are part of your team, your family members, the guy who knows the grass, you know, getting that help and asking for the things that you need are. So,
Terry - AGEUcational (12:38):
Yeah. And you know, I have my other sisters here in the Dallas area and, um, we kind of both, you know, took mom and dad is like she said, okay, I'm taking dad. You're going to take mom. Well, now that dad's been gone for five years, I don't think that's such a great idea just for fun in my mind, you know, but my sister in, uh, California, she is, she is very supportive and she never questions anybody's, um, decisions or, you know, any, you know, if, and if we had an upcoming doctor's appointment for, for mom recently, she had a hospital stay and she, uh, she came up with a list of questions and she's like, okay, well, do you, you know, just, she helped in every way that she could, it really does take all of you to do it, but I know that everybody doesn't have somebody else to help with that. So, yeah.
Rayna (13:38):
Challenging and not everybody gets along. I mean, the truth is
Terry - AGEUcational (13:41):
Right.
Rayna (13:44):
And a lot of times, well, before our parents get to that older age stage, so it is challenging. But I think again, the communication becomes so important to make that person feel wanted and needed and to find things that they can do and feel like they're a part of it. So I lived, you know, away from my family. So it was like, I was home with my husband and kids on the farm three days, a week, three and a half days a week. And there were still things that needed to be done. You know, it was all on my sister when I was out of town. And so I learned, you know, I can make the phone calls if we need to find in-home care, or if we need to look for a different doctor, I was the one who did those things. So I think again, adjusting your perspective and making sure that you're including them. And I always say the key is invite. When we invite someone to dinner, we don't have an expectation. We aren't going to be all mad at them. If they don't come, if it doesn't work for them, right. We're just going to offer the invitation. Are you available? Can you help with this? And so if we stop inviting, then they feel like they don't matter. So if we invite without expectations,
Terry - AGEUcational (14:49):
Right, exactly,
Rayna (14:52):
No, you're right. I mean, you have to say what you need and if you don't ever ask for it, you can never get it. And so I think also then we have to realize outside of our family, and you mentioned too, just getting our loved ones to be willing, to take help outside of our family. But I think sometimes we sell them short and we don't offer different personalities and different people in activities that can be a part of our team. We, we took my dad to a day stay program and it was a memory care unit that had just people who came in during the day. And my aunt, his sister said, ah, he's not going to like that. No way dad loved it. He went the full four and a half years that he, in that we were caring for him and he loved it. We called it a social club ready to go to the club and visit the guys, you know? And so sometimes we have preconceived ideas. Yeah. Well, there were more women than men, but there was others, I guess that could be true at a frat house too. Right.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (15:50):
You know, I think that, you know, the day stays. I think it's good to talk about that for just a minute because, um, you know, so many of us, of a certain age, we have the memories of the old nursing home model back, you know, in the sixties and seventies when everybody was in the lobby and their wheelchair. And unfortunately, uh, it was just, uh, it was, there was no interact action and it was just a bad sight. Uh, it was sickening actually the way that, that, that all happened. But today things have changed so much. And, um, some of these, um, day stays. If you look around, if you have an option to choose, I know some that have very, um, in-depth programs, art programs, music programs, writing. I mean, it's unbelievable the options that they give them to, uh, you know, be a part of something, but also to kind of work their mind, work their bodies,
Rayna (16:53):
For sure. And like I said, that socialization, it seems so interesting. My dad was a very social guy, but one of the things he was extremely physically fit and most people were shocked, but in his eighties, he was still playing volleyball three times a week and going to the gym three times a week. And so we continued as many of those physical activities that we could as well. But some of them, he became really self-aware that he wasn't the same as he had been before. And so he started to give up, he actually played softball and traveled on a competitive team and into his late seventies. And that was one of the first things he gave up. And I was so sad and I said, dad, why don't you want to play anymore? And he said, I don't want to be that guy that doesn't, that's the weak link on the team.
Rayna (17:37):
And so, because these people had known him for so long, he couldn't be comfortable with them. And in this environment where there were, again, no expectations, he could walk into the day, stay and enjoy and be himself where he was in that moment. And it was okay. There was no expectation for him to be something else. And so I do think it's amazing all the things that they have planned and just that socialization and then has a family member, you know, it was a time for him to be safe, to be taken care of. And we also had the nurses and things on staff that we could run things by them. If we were trying a new medication, can you keep an eye out for any side effects? You know, it was just, our team grew significantly with them on the team. And so again, I just think looking at and really evaluating who's on your team, where are your holes and how can you fill those holes in a more creative way than just expecting family to do at all?
Rayna (18:34):
Because I think that's one of the reasons why family caregivers burnouts and are not doing as good of a job as they could is because they think only family can. And it's just not true. The team needs to be a large group of people with all kinds of strengths and weaknesses. And I've actually created, um, a quiz called the caring, caring quiz.com. And it lets you go in and learn your caring style and learn a little bit about who you are as a caregiver and maybe what your strengths are. Maybe some areas you might need some help on. And then through a series of emails that you get after taking the caring quiz, then you also get a chance to kind of ask your team members to take that quiz and see what their personalities are and possibly see what other types of people you need on your team.
Rayna (19:19):
Not to mention what tasks you're, you're you are responsible for and what tasks other people are responsible for. And are they a good fit? Because like all things in caregiving, we shouldn't do it all, you know, and we might not have the right personality to do that. And this is just, it is an act of love and it is so important, but it's somewhat like a job every day. There are responsibilities and things that you're, that people are counting on you for. And if that's outside of your zone, then you're probably going to burn out. So really thinking about your strengths and what you need to bring in for support, that's not in your strength can make a big difference.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (20:00):
Uh, we had a little, little freeze up there. We'll try and move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure. I might, we had some app issues here too, so we'll just, that's all right. W we'll be good. Um, so yeah, I think, uh, you know, the providing the encouragement kind of get back to that whole team, but I, I think that's a good, uh, yeah, the quiz is good because that way there are different people that are, um, yes, well, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and if we can kind of align those with the care that we're providing, uh, I think that's, yeah,
Rayna (20:44):
What's funny. I was talking to a client one day and she was saying by the end of the day, my mom and I are just it's, we're not jiving. It's just kinda tough. And I said, you know, she might be sick of you by then. She laughed. And she was like, well, and I said, well, you're it, that's all she sees. I mean, your husband's around in and out, but she sees you all day long. You're the one boss and her around, probably not that you're being mean, but you're trying to help. And I said, but she might be tired. You, you know, if you bring somebody else in with a different personality, they might just bring a different, you know, take to her day and she might be a little easier to deal with by the time you get to that point. So I do think different personalities really can help even the person we're caring for.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (21:27):
It's so important. Yeah. The, uh, the other thing is the, um, I think we have to put ourself in that position of now my child is, uh, typically it's our children, but now our child is the one that's trying to tell us what to do. And sometimes it's not just, it's not the advice that we're giving sometimes it's just that it's very difficult to think. And I think the other thing is that what I feel is it, um, it's not only that somebody is trying to influence you to do something or tell you what to do, but it's also, maybe it's the, um, the realization now that all of a sudden somebody is having to tell you things to do to help you. And I think that can be very difficult on the aging psyche, because, you know, it's just another reminder. It's like, you know, I don't need to wake up today and have another reminder that I'm getting old and I need help. And that's, unfortunately, I feel like that's what happens when we, even though we feel we're delivering a message, very encouragingly that will help the person. It's just the, what comes across well. Yeah, well, but it's just there. It's where they are in their mindset. That's like, I just don't really, uh, I don't need this. I mean, it's, I may need it, but I am, again, it's just a reminder that I do need it, which is not a good thing.
Rayna (22:55):
Well, even I think with Alzheimer's sometimes they don't need it. And that was one thing that we really emphasized with the people that we asked to help care for. My dad was only step in when he needs it, because today he might be able to pick up that toothpaste and put it on the toothbrush and brush his teeth. But tomorrow he might start to brush his teeth without toothpaste. So let him try and then step and say, Oh Bob, can I go ahead and put some toothpaste on there for you? You know, only offer when it's needed. I think so many times with people with Alzheimer's, we have a tendency to just assume that today is the same as yesterday, and that they're going to have to have help. I might as well just do it. And that doesn't leave them the dignity that they deserve.
Rayna (23:36):
I mean, all of us have egos and it is reality. And as much as we can honor that, the more that they are happy, the less combative they are, the less frustrated they are with life and only being a support. I was an educator. And so I always think of when you're trying to help a child, who's struggling, you don't tell them the word, you help them sound it out. You help them sound, make each sound. If they don't know this sound, you tell them the sound they don't know. And then if they can't hear it, you help blend it together. You know, it's small steps that you intervene and you offer support. You don't just come in and read it to them. And I think so many times with aging, we have, as soon as you just come in and do it all, instead of letting them do what they're capable of doing and assisting them where they need the help
Terry - AGEUcational (24:22):
Just to get it done, you know, we think we're just doing it because we're just going to get it done and make sure that it gets done and then go on. We're not taking everything into account.
Rayna (24:33):
Exactly. It's not a race, although it feels like it's an assessment,
Terry - AGEUcational (24:37):
Right. Everything we want today, it's like, everything's on demand, you know, right now, go through the drive-through and get it, get it, get it, get it, get, and then you get home and it's like, what, what happened today?
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (24:50):
Yeah. So, um, uh,
Terry - AGEUcational (24:56):
I was going to say, so it's, so you have a book coming out. When is your book coming out and tell us about, tell us about it.
Rayna (25:03):
Thank you. I am so excited about it. Um, so our, my book is our story. So it is heartwarming stories. As people have called it of our journey, as well as the practical tips of the things that we found as a family that helped us in helping both of my parents age. So the name of the book is no regrets hope for your caregiving season. And it is designed with practical tips and ideas mixed with stories. Um, the first half is about the caring process. You know, how to find the team that you need, how to honor your parents as you're caring for them as they age. And the second half is that yucky self care word. But some things that I found really did make a difference for me in helping me coach myself through it and how to really be able to look back with no regrets.
Rayna (25:49):
And so it will be in bookstores nationwide in June. Um, but right now I have some pre-orders available. So if you actually visit your major retailers online and pre-order a copy, then you can visit my [email protected] and I'm actually giving away a hundred free copies that are signed. So I still have quite a few left. So if you pre-order, then there's a little form on my website that you can just fill out that form and I will drop a signed copy in the mail to you. And you can, you'll have to, you can give one away as a gift when June, when she first gets here. So again, that's no regrets-book.com.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (26:30):
Yeah. Don't wait. Uh, even if you're younger and not in this position, right. This moment, don't, don't, um, don't put off, give it and learn it and read it and be prepared. I think that's a, you know, a part of the other message with the communication part is just preparedness. It's never easy. You're not going to be able to it's
Terry - AGEUcational (26:50):
And you never know what life is gonna throw at you either. I mean, you can play, you can be prepared to it to a point, but you need to have all the basic, you need to have structure at least, you know, to help.
Rayna (27:04):
I mean, those conversations, you're never going to regret that. And so even if something changes now is the time to do it, you know, having making the investment in long-term care insurance or making the plans and understanding how much those things are gonna cost, you know, really being able to have those conversations. It you're just not going to regret it. And the more often you talk about it, the less uncomfortable it is. And so I don't think you're ever too young to start having those conversations. I agree.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (27:34):
Yeah. And you can, there's other things that we can do. They don't always have to be the difficult subjects are the subjects we don't want to address, but we can weave into that other things. And, uh, there's, uh, there's other providers out there, but there's a, um, there's a service that we've signed up for. And it, what they do is they send a question to our moms every week and it gives our mom, um, you know, a chance to write things down. And it gives us a chance to learn about things. Maybe we never asked her or her to go more deeper into things that we know a little about, but excuse me, you know, those are things that you can recreate on your own. And so I think the other part of this is don't wait till it's too late to, to find out your parents' story or your grandparent's story, whether you have to, you know, interview them slowly like this one question at a time, or if they're still able to get them to, you know, write things out.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (28:30):
But, uh, I think the information that they can transfer to us is invaluable because there's still a lot of things that I, you know, I don't know much about my parents or my grand parents, parents, I know a little bit about them. So that was one, some of the first questions that I kind of queued up for my mom is to, uh, you know, tell us more about her grandparents, what they were like. So, you know, we can make these conversations a little less tense and a little less, um, undesirable by kind of weaving in some, uh, you know, some other things in there.
Rayna (29:07):
I agree. I think another way to broach some of those uncomfortable conversations is to talk about other people. So, you know, aunt Sally fell and she broke her hip. And when she went to get out of the hospital, she had to go to a rehab center. What would you want to happen if something happened like that? You know, that just naturally brings those conversations.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (29:26):
Right? Exactly. All right. Well, Ryan and, well, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to be with us. Uh, it's been a pleasure speaking with you, but before we let you go, so what is a tool or a habit? What's something that you do every day, personal or professional that really adds value.
Rayna (29:46):
I would have to say that self reflective part of me and that is through journaling, just asking myself some of those questions about the day, what was the best part of the day? What was the toughest part of the day? What do you want tomorrow to be different? And just taking the time to write those few extra sentences every day helps to impact me both in, you know, making new choices and in being able to be thankful for all the things that happened that day.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (30:13):
Yup. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. And we do have, even when our days go bad, we do have a lot to be thankful. So let's, don't lose sight of that. And I think the other thing that kind of bring up about caregivers is, um, as in life, is that we can tend to beat ourselves up for things we need to be. Uh, we need to be lenient with ourselves, give ourselves a break. We may have had 10 things on our to-do list today, and we got seven done, but we miss three. And, uh, sometimes we can spend our day kicking ourselves for those three that we didn't get done instead of celebrating the seven things. Or maybe you just happen to have a good conversation with one of your parents and through you behind, but let's celebrate those, um, you know, let's celebrate the good things that happened through our day. For sure. Yeah. All right. So if you don't mind tell us, uh, you know, the, um, the, uh, season of caring coaching, who are your clients and how can you help them? And of course working, they reach out and get ahold of you.
Rayna (31:16):
Sure. So most often I'm hired by professional women who are in that season of caring for their aging parents. And they're just feeling completely maxed out. You know, they have the family, they have their own home, and then they have their parents' needs on top of that and finding a way to be able to do it all well, um, can be really frustrating. So that's what we work through is what does it look like to be able to offer the support to your parents, that they need take care of your career, your family, and actually find time for yourself without the guilt, because that's a lot of what we deal with is that guilt side, um, and really be able to just work, work that together and develop the plans that they need to really find the way to do what's most important and be able to look back later and say, I don't have regrets.
Rayna (32:02):
I did, I did what needed to be done. So that's what most of my clients look like. And you can find out more about a season of caring at aseasonofcaring.com and I would love to have you pop on and just shoot me an email. If you'd like to know more, I have free support groups and opportunities for workshops. So I just want to be able to come alongside and support in that season. I've been there and it's not easy, but it is so worth it. It's one of, I interviewed a lady on a podcast one time that said, it's the hardest right thing I ever did. And I think that's, so
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (32:38):
I love the name too. I season of Karen that's. That's really good. Yep. All right. Well remember, it's just a season, I'm sorry
Rayna (32:49):
I say in the middle of it, you really do have to remember. It's just a season and your parents aren't going to be here forever. So that's what I want to encourage people to remember.
Roy - AGEUcational - Periodic Reflection and Evaluation Will Lead You To Be a Better Caregiver (32:57):
Yeah. And that's, you know, kind of another thing is even though, uh, it's not optimal, we still need to relish every moment that we get to spend with them. Sometimes it's not optimal, but, uh, it's better than the alternative. So take advantage of it for sure. For sure. All right. Well, that's going to do it for another episode of educational. Uh, course you can find us at www dot [inaudible] dot com. We're on all the social media, um, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and then of course a, uh, the video version of this will go on YouTube. Once the episode is released, excuse me, you can also find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Google, and Spotify. If we're not on a podcast platform that you listen to, if you'll send a note to me, I'll be glad to get us added to it. So until next time that's going to do it for Roy. You all have a wonderful day and take care of your loved ones. Thank you, Ray. Now we appreciate it. Thank you.
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