Man Talk for Latter-day Saints

Pervasive and Pernicious Shame

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MAN TALK FOR LATTER DAY SAINTS, Episode 3

Episode Topic: Pervasive and Pernicious Shame

Key Points Discussed:

  • Shame was the first message the adversary taught Adam and Eve after they partook of the forbidden fruit - to hide because they were no longer worthy of God's presence.
  • Shame makes us want to hide our true selves and intent. The subconscious message can be "if others know the real you, they will not accept you."
  • Many unconsciously use shame to control behavior, especially as parents or teachers.
  • According to David Hawkins, shame is the emotion closest to death in terms of vibration/energy.
  • Shame focuses on self ("I am bad"), while guilt focuses on behavior ("I did something bad").
  • Shame festers in secrecy and darkness. Bringing it into the light is key for healing.
  • Many men hide shame under a cloak of perfectionism or busyness with callings and church service. But still feel hollow inside.
  • Creating safe spaces for men to be vulnerable and share their stories helps combat shame.
  • Willingness to feel all emotions, good and bad, is important. Denying "bad" ones suppresses our capacity for joy too.
  • Learn to receive and "ride the wave" of emotion rather than resist. Breathe into the feeling.
  • Develop your relationship with Christ. Come to know Him more through life's bitter and sweet.
  • Remember, Christ felt the weight of the world. There's a gift in staying present with discomfort.
  • You are enough. Thoughts of deficiency are lies. Come into the light.

    • Key Quotes:

    • "Shame can only exist in the dark." (Brene Brown)
    • "Willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [you]." (Mosiah 3:19)
    • "I am willing." (On developing willingness)
    • "What we resist, persists." (On trying to suppress emotion)
    • "There's a gift with every emotion."

      • Actionable Steps:

      • Examine your life for patterns of perfectionism or hiding - are these covers for shame?
      • Open up in small steps to trusted friends/mentors about your real feelings and story.
      • Make time to feel and process emotions fully, without judgment. Breathe into discomfort.
      • Do a daily gratitude practice to shift energy/perspective.
      • Develop real relationships with yourself, Christ and God. Fill your life with meaningful connection.
        • ...more
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        Man Talk for Latter-day SaintsBy Man Talk LDS