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On this non-award-winning show, Sandra & I are joined by special guest Colleen! My only friend, which feels kinda sad now that I am typing in this description....

Welcome to the episode where Sophia's bestie, Colleen, makes her unforgettable debut and proves she fits right in with the chaos. Also, Sophia's son Josh returns to question his mother's life choices in real time.

Get ready for a completely unscripted hour of beautiful madness as we welcome our first-ever guest. Colleen is a true crime junkie, a budding TikTok witch, and a woman who once thought "hors d'oeuvres" was pronounced "horse divorces."

In this episode, we cover:

• The Clone-a-Willy COVID Scare: Sophia recounts her pre-surgery panic, thinking she had COVID, only to realize her sore throat and headache were actually from a... very enthusiastic breath play session while making a mold of her pre-op parts.

• The Brownie That Took Her Breath Away: Colleen shares the story of her first (and last) edible experience, which resulted in a 10-hour panic attack, a Scooby-Doo hallucination, and forcing her girlfriend to watch her "not breathe" all night.

• The Menards Takedown: In what might be the most lesbian date night ever, Colleen's trip to Menards turns into a live true-crime docuseries when she witnesses a massive police ambush and takedown right in front of her.
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• How Carol Killed Kathy: A tragicomedy for the ages, Colleen tells the story of how her mother with dementia accidentally ran over and killed her own sister... at a children's softball game.
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• Sandra's Haunted Desk: The bizarre mystery of a handmade desk that starts making noises during a storm, and the even weirder story of how she traded a Pyrex dish for a giant caribou rack with a neighbor who looks exactly like a local serial killer.

If you enjoy our brand of beautiful, unmedicated chaos, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

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• Merch Store: Get your Pessimism & Pop-Tarts gear at [Shop.com/PessimismandPopTarts]! Use promo code NOT4UVA for 20% off your order.
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• Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts].

Music Credits:

Intro Music Bed: Udio v 1

Song: Strut - by Emeline

Song: Moderation - Lilyisthatyou

Album Art by openart.ai

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence, abuse, and death. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.

• 
  
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
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• Text Line: Text START to 88788
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• To Donate: In honor of Christina, we strongly encourage you to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter.
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In the final, heart-wrenching installment of "The Christina Show," Ryan and Sandra recount the tragic end of their sister's life and the devastating aftermath that still haunts them.

The episode begins with the phone call that every family dreads. Ryan describes the frantic drive to the hospital, the disorienting blur of the emergency room, and the grim conversation with a friend from the fire department who was on the scene of the accident. The discovery of Christina's "raccoon eyes"—a fatal sign of brain swelling—confirmed the inevitable, leading to the difficult decision to donate her organs.

Sandra shares her own chaotic and painful experience: passing the crash site, fighting a losing battle with police to take custody of Christina's children at the hospital, and fielding calls from concerned family members while being kept in the dark. The next morning, she learns of her sister's death accidentally, from a conversation she overheard.

They discuss the raw grief, the funeral their father couldn't attend because he was in prison, and the lingering anger over a life cut short just as she was starting to break free. The episode closes with one last, darkly humorous memory of their mom accidentally growing a tomato plant on Christina's grave.

This is the conclusion of Christina's story. Thank you for listening.

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

• Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]
• Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence and abuse. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.

• 
  
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• 
  
• 
  
• Text Line: Text START to 88788
• 
  
• 
  
• To Donate: We strongly encourage you to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter.
• 
  

In Part 2 of "The Christina Show," the story takes a darker turn as "Kyle" re-enters Christina's life, marking the beginning of a long and tragic spiral.

Ryan recounts his complicated friendship with Kyle, a troubled teen he took in, and the one rule he had: stay away from my sisters. It was a rule Kyle would eventually break, leading to a confrontation that severed their friendship and began the process of isolating Christina from her family.

The episode details Christina's brief escape into a healthier marriage that tragically ended after her husband's deployment to Iraq. Sandra shares the heartbreaking story of how she discovered Christina was secretly seeing Kyle again by finding her wet shoes—evidence of a late-night rendezvous.

We follow Christina as she becomes trapped in a cycle of abuse, manipulation, and control, leading to a dramatic rescue operation orchestrated by Ryan. The episode also covers the devastating consequences of their father's attempt to confront Kyle, which led to a fatal car accident and sent him back to prison. We end with the bittersweet, final happy memory of Christina—drunk on "blue motorcycles" and breaking a table at the family campground.

If this story resonates with you, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

• Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]
• Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence and abuse. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Text Line: Text START to 88788

To Donate: Please consider supporting the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter.

In this special three-part series, Ryan and Sandra tell the difficult and necessary story of their late sister, Christina.

In Part 1, they introduce their blond-haired, blue-eyed sister, the "Viking princess" who was often seen as the family favorite. Before diving into the tragic events that defined her life, Ryan shares a few lighter stories from his week, including a recent physical where a nurse was shocked by his age and a very... suggestive fortune cookie.

The episode then sets the stage for the series by recounting how Ryan first met "Kyle," the man who would become a central figure in Christina's life. The story begins with a page for help from a teenager in a desperate situation, fleeing an abusive home. Ryan also detours into a bizarre, hallucinatory memory of how a weeping willow tree "hugged" his anger away, marking his transition from an angry punk to a hippie.

This is the beginning of a story that needs to be told.

If you enjoyed this episode, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]

Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You heard Ryan's hazy, drug-fueled account of seeing Gwar and The Misfits at Harpo's on Devil's Night. Now, get the real story from someone who was there and completely sober.

In this special follow-up episode, Ryan's childhood friend Jeni joins the show to fill in the massive gaps in his memory and confirm the absolute chaos of that legendary night. As the designated driver and "babysitter" for a car full of people on LSD, Jeni provides a hilariously exhausted and clear-eyed perspective. Also joining is Ryan's son, Josh, who is hearing these stories for the very first time and questioning every life choice his father has ever made.

Get ready for even more fuckery, including:

The pre-show ritual of doing lines of coke off the TV stand and dropping liquid acid directly into their eyeballs.

Jeni's experience in the Gwar mosh pit, where her hair was permanently dyed pink by stage fluids and she was rescued by a giant man acting as her "personal bodyguard bulldozer".

The time Jeni had a casual, half-hour conversation with a member of Gwar (Slymenstra Hymen) without having any idea who she was.

The night's most charitable act: "helping" a hungry homeless man by giving him an entire bag of mushrooms instead of food.

Life back at the hotel, where Jeni slept in front of the door to prevent anyone from escaping for a "nature walk" while tripping.

A bonus story about how two-year-old Josh once delivered a flying "People's Elbow" from the top of the couch directly into Ryan's sternum.

If you enjoy watching a grown man traumatize his own son with stories from his youth, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts] 

Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the grand finale of this four-part family therapy session, Sandra puts Ryan in the hot seat with a series of questions that unpack the good, the bad, and the bizarre of their upbringing.

We finally get the definitive ranking of relatives, from the most connected (Uncle Jim) to the most distant—Aunt Susan, a woman who seemingly developed a southern accent mid-flight to North Carolina and has avoided speaking to Ryan for his entire life. The star of the show, however, is Great Grandpa Petropolis, a man who lied his way through Ellis Island, got to Muskegon by pointing at a map, and was fueled by bacon grease and cigars until he was over 100 years old.

The conversation then turns to the two deaths that defined their childhood: the passing of their beloved Great Grandpa, which irrevocably changed their mother, and the death of their Uncle Kent, the tragic event that triggered the family's downward spiral into addiction and dysfunction.

Finally, Ryan reflects on the one area where he felt superior to his cousins: his "accidental freedom." While they lived in a gilded cage, he was taking spontaneous, pre-Google Maps road trips to Indiana just because a friend was sad. We wrap up with the ultimate "what if": which relatives were named in the will to raise them, and how would life have been different? (Hint: it involves the Grateful Dead tour) .

Thank you for sticking with us through this chaotic family tree. If you made it out alive, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]

Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

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You thought Dad's side of the family was a wild ride? Buckle up. In Part 3, Ryan and Sandra venture into the maternal line—the Petropolis side—where the stories are just as chaotic and the characters are even more unbelievable.

Meet Grandma Flo, a woman whose driving style was a binary system of "pedal to the metal" or "slam on the brakes," and whose family history involves Chicago mob ties and a great-uncle who learned the hard way not to narc. We also get the scoop on how she baby-trapped Grandpa to escape her own chaotic home.

Then there are the aunts and uncles. We've got Uncle Gary, whose social awkwardness is only matched by his unsettling gig as the town's resident Santa Claus. And don't miss the story of Uncle James, a man so controlling he once had a meltdown because a ten-year-old Sandra pushed a CD-ROM tray closed instead of using the eject button.

We also relive the eternal trauma of the "kids' table," a holiday tradition so rigid that Ryan, at 40 years old, has still never earned a seat, and Sandra was once exiled to a frozen porch while complete strangers enjoyed the warmth of the main dining room.

You know the drill. If you're enjoying the dysfunction, LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]

Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.