Miles tries to change pharmacies, while Bob gets hassled at the checkout.

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I said, hey, Bob, take a walk on the wild side. And all the colored girls do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Cool. Static. Hello, everyone. This is Burgermeister Meister Burger. There’ll be no toys for you. The funny thing is you kind of look like the Burgermeister Meister Burger. Yeah, I know. I was just watching this cartoon tonight. You do. You look like him. You kind of, you know, stick legs with a big, big potato body. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You can call me Warlock or Wizard. Yeah, not that guy. Wizard or Warlock. I don’t know what this is. Hey, happy holidays. It’s almost time. Might as well say it once. Happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah for those who celebrate. It started yesterday, I think. Happy holidays overall. Nice cold weather here. You got the blizzard. We got cold weather. It’s all good, right? She got the gold mine and I got the shaft. She got the gold mine and I got the shaft. Seems confident, but it’s too hot. Wow. Hey, son. So, yeah, it’s all happening. Another year gone. Wow. Crazy Hanukkah. Wow. Wow. You’re gone. Almost. A couple weeks here. We’ll be done with that. Yeah. All happening. So what did you get me for Christmas? Anything? Well, I’m getting you nothing. Oh. But I actually did think about getting you something. I should talk about this. Yeah. Go on. A real quick thing.
i was, it was over the weekend, I think. And I’m like, I should, you know, I saw something and i’m like, this is something that miles needs, but if it’s too expensive, I’m not getting it. Okay. Uh, you want to guess what it is a self-grooming kit as you bought me before, maybe, which i found very nose hair trimmer. Yeah. Yeah, I found that very awkward to get something from that. From one man to another. I thought that was a little… No, I… I came through one of the socials for a Talking Red Fox doll from the 70s. You big dummy, man. Yeah, and it was… And I’m like, if I can pick up one of these Talking Red Fox dolls for $20, I’m getting you that for Christmas.
So I went on the hunt, and they’re all like 60 bucks. And I’m like, well. Oh, man, you got ripped off. Well, and it’s not Fred Sanford. This is actually just Red Fox himself. Oh, he goes blue. Yeah, and it was a toy for children back in the 70s. Oh, nice. You got to wash your ass. That’s right. You got it. You pull the string, and he said a few things. And I’m like, oh, Miles would love this. But I’m not spending over $20. And so I’m like, maybe I could get a cheap one. But no, no luck, my friend. I should get you a completely nonsensical gift. Okay. So nonsensical. Just completely. How about Tanya Harding porn pictures? I mean, you’ve already done that.
That was so 1990-something. They were photocopied into oblivion. They were like the 10th generation photocopy you sent to me. And not to mention, just recently you sent me something that was disturbing and weird. I don’t want a Christmas gift. Just because this lady was missing some of her anatomy, you got a little uptight about it. It wasn’t just that. It was like, why in the world, what made you sitting at home on your phone or whatever think, oh, Bob would really appreciate this. She’s a model. I thought you’d like enjoy that keister. Do I send you model pictures or anything? No. I think you want to, but you don’t. I don’t want, if I wanted to, I’d do it. Okay. Well, whatever. And I opened it up. I’m like, what the fuck is it? What? It was an Instagram account of miles. I’m sure that you were trying to send this to somebody else and it accidentally came to me. No, no, no. I, well, I was, you know, cause I, you know, I have that cake sitter, you know, count that like a lot. And then, uh,
women and Bananas, you know, I like that one. But this one was featuring like models, but missing like some of their stuff, you know and we’ll call them uh special models. I just thought you would enjoy it as a friend i know i did i was that was not anything that i really want to be. They’re a pretty girl. was a pretty lady what’s so what sure she’s pretty. I’m just saying whenever you you know it’s All right. Wow. I didn’t know it was going to cause this much problems in your life. I’m sorry. Well, it’s not causing problems. It’s just like, why in the world would you think that I would want this? Because I knew this would be the reaction it would get. You’d be like, okay, that’s three. Okay. The reality is it’s kind of like you and your Paul McCartney wanker thing going on there.
I tell him one story about the Beatles, about Paul McCartney and his buddies were doing stuff together. Yeah. And then that’s the, you just want to, you’re just trying to get, you know, get my goat here. And you doubted that story. You said, no, you are lying. So I proved, I don’t think I said, I think I said, well, I don’t care. Why do I care about this? You doubted it. You’re like, I, that never happened. I’m like, yes, it did. Yeah. George Harrison participated. It seems much more of a Ringo kind of thing. So anyway, I don’t want your weird modeling. I saw it on Instagram. I thought you’d enjoy it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for trying to share something. There’s no way you thought I would enjoy that. You thought, oh, I’m going to
you know, get this guy’s goat right here. Let me send this over. Okay. For the rest of the year, I will try not to send anything else. Okay. Thank you. I’m going to send you a nonsensical gift though. Okay. But it won’t be anything dirty. Just so you know, I don’t get the mail. It won’t be anything dirty. All right. So just relax. All right. I promise it won’t be anything dirty. Okay. Well, I was going to get you this talking red fox thing, but $65 is way out of the budget that I would have for you. Yeah, don’t do it. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, I do have a story. Well, bring on your story. So it is the season, you know, holiday season. And I went to Sam’s Club for my usual assortment of
you know, grocery items. By yourself. By myself. And I was asked to pick up some gift cards for not even for me. I don’t even know who it was for, to be honest with you. But they’re like, you’re going to go to Sam’s. Why don’t you pick up some gift cards and, you know, bring them home? Sure. You know, I’m not lounging around all day looking at special models and So I head on over to Sam’s Club. Now, normally, I just use my phone because they have this system where you can just basically scan as you go and then just leave. I don’t know if you’ve ever done. I’m sure you’ve never done this, but I do this all the time. This is way above me. Yeah, I was going to say this is way. You don’t have to stand in the checkout. You literally just scan it.
And then when you leave, there’s some little guy that goes, how many items you got? And then they figure, you know, they check you out and everything. So they don’t, you’re already paid and everything. They just say, yeah, leave the building. So I like this idea. Okay. No, it’s great. I do it all the time, but with gift cards, you can’t do that. Right. They have to do something. They have to do something on their fancy machines to enable the gift cards. And so I, um, I, uh, I had to go through the regular checkout. Right. Now I lucked out because normally the regular, they only have like one or two nowadays and the regular checkouts. And I lucked out because there really wasn’t too many people in the lane. And so I, I scooted in there with all my stuff and my gift cards. And then I get to the front and I pull, I pull out my Sam’s card, which I don’t normally use. Hmm.
And I got this little old lady. She’s like, I don’t know why she’s still working, to be honest with you. But that’s the world today. And she’s scared. She’s like, this card’s expired, sir. Can you go over to customers? I’m like, no, wait a minute. Hold on a second. Do you know who you’re talking to? I go, I’ll just bring it up on my phone. I normally do this on my phone. And so then I go and I bring it up on my phone. It says here, you know, touch here to get your card. And I do. And it says, oh, wait, we have to send a text to this number. And then you put in a code. I’m like, oh, my God. Right. And guess what? It’s not my number. Oh. It’s my wife’s number. So then she’s like, she’s like, sir.
And I’m like, no, wait a minute. I’m like, it’s texting her. I’m going to get the text, you know, and everything. And then this lady’s complaining about me to the other lady. Yeah. I want to leave. I’m like, hold on just a second. I know this is going to, I get to get this code and then we’ll be all good to go. Right. I mean, sir, I get off. We get off in 20 minutes, sir. If you could, Please hurry. This is the middle of the day. Our lunch break. The irony is just before I got up to the counter, she literally took like five minutes to bust open all of her change and put it in her change thing to give this other old lady back like 15 cents. Hold on.
And then I roll up there and I can’t get my card. Oh, you can go to customer service. I’m like, hold on a minute. I didn’t want to pull rank and say, you just wasted like 20 minutes of my time with this old bag who wanted paid cash. So I finally get it. I get my card, scans it. I’m like, see, it all worked out. We’re all good. This lady was so angry with me. You know what, sir? She was so mad. And all for these stupid gift cards that I normally would never buy. I’m going to send you the Bugle Boy of Company B, sir, but you’ve ruined it. Yeah, you’re like, sir, you can go to customer… I don’t need to go to customer service. I just need a moment to get somebody to text me back a code because…
Any other day, I don’t need this stupid card. I just come in and scan with my phone and you take my money. Today, you need a card and it won’t give me the card without a code. And it’s like, oh my gosh. It’s madness. It was madness. And I wouldn’t leave. And she kept getting, sir. We have many people behind you, sir. And then she looks over at the, I don’t know if she’s like the, There’s only two cashiers and they have a third person just walks around randomly. You have the Andrew sisters there. And she’s like, he just won’t go. He just won’t go. And I’m like, I’m not going to go. He’s one of those thieves. He’s a thief. Yeah. You’re just going to wait like two seconds for me to get this number back. I’m like, take a chill pill here, Alice.
We’re going to lunch, sir, in 10 minutes. So if it’s not ready to go. You just spent, you know, 20 minutes trying to break open these change rolls. Maybe she had to take a crap or something. She’s like, listen, you better hurry up. No, she didn’t. She just was being. Did you ask? You certainly didn’t ask. I left and she was kept checking people out. Finally. Oh. So anyway, it was just bizarre, sir. i’m like, cool your young lady. This is your system. I’ll have a chicken salad sandwich without the chicken that’s right yeah yeah so now i’m gonna be on, you know i’m gonna be on some youtube channel yeah the uh store security footage yeah old white man holds up line at Sam’s.
we were just waiting to get out and this guy ahead of us just wouldn’t stop. Yeah. So yeah, it was, uh, he was berating the staff. I was like, lady, I’m like, gosh, come on. I mean, this is how it works. It’s like, take it. I’m not going to customer service to punch in numbers. That’s where poor people, I don’t do that. It’s all screwed up now anyway because customer service is like hell and gone. It used to be like right there by the checkouts. Now it’s like it took over the old photo area way across the store. Ma’am, I’ve seen Estes Park in four seasons now. That’s true. I don’t think you know who you’re talking to. I don’t want to pull rank on you. I have seen it in all four seasons. I know. I know. Yes, I know.
is a little jealous of my i am like i’ll never make it there. I’ll never make it there drive it’s kind of closer to you than it is to me. Well, I don’t care. Yeah. but anyway that was by that was the holiday spirit i got. Sir. Sir. You can go to custom i’m not going to customers, sir. I know what i’m doing. You just need to hold on. I don’t think you realize that I saw the Mackinac Bridge this summer. I don’t want to pull rank or anything. Was that the Mackinac Bridge? I want to pull rank. I rode a horse-drawn carriage. Yeah, on Mackinac Island, just so you know. Me and my family. Wow, you’re really jealous of the trips. Don’t get me excited about my Alaska cruise either. That was very romantic. I went to Alaska. We watched some whales, according to my wife’s letter. My wife’s Christmas letter. Oh, you’re just… Okay, you’re going through the Christmas letter stuff. I didn’t realize all that was in the letter, to be honest with you. You should probably read it. Yeah, there’s a lot of
A lot of stuff about your performance issues and stuff. I’m like, this is really too much for a Christmas letter. That’s how bad it is. That’s the only way he can get. Anyway. Yeah. So what’s, what’s going on with you? I have to go to customer service. So I, uh, You got my Christmas card. Thank you. All right. Well, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I got that and a postcard. Yeah, the postcard. Yeah, I’ve had to switch pharmacies here. What? Why? I switched pharmacies. There’s something wrong with this big pharmacy chain, which I will not mention the name. CVS? But they’re on just about literally every freaking corner, basically. I’m not going to mention their names. I’m just going to say they’re fucked up. One of the two. All right. We’ll just go with one of the two. So I, uh, I’m like, okay, so fuck it. I try like a smaller pharmacy first. I don’t know if I told that story or not. Maybe I did, but I don’t know. I haven’t heard about you. And cause I mean, you get a lot of drugs, a lot of people. I do. Yes, I do. You go, when you go in, the pharmacist is like payday, payday.
Is this guy transitioning or something? My God, drugs. This guy is taking this guy. He’s got everything going on. This is my best buddy. He’s made, he’d get me a swim pool this summer. Yeah. No shit. So my family has gone to like a, like a, I don’t want to say a box store, but like a, a larger, you know, thing to get theirs. And I do like, well, I just have to be an asshole. I’m going to try like a smaller pharmacy. And I went there, and you know how animated I like to be. I go, you know, this big chain sucks. You know, the big one. They suck. They suck. They suck. I need a new place. And they have a very small, it’s a small, small pharmacy. This lady’s like, oh, yeah, well, we’re really good. We’re good. We’re the best. Good, good. I’m like, all right, I’ll go with you. Oh, okay, okay. Well, sign this piece of paper. Sign this piece of paper.
Right out of the gate. Your signs and papers, please. And I go, well, okay, because I need some stuff. I need some meds and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a long list of medications that I take on a regular basis. Yes. She’s like, Ozempic. That’s what she said. Looking at you, sir, I’m thinking you’ve never taken Ozempic. And so two weeks go by. And I’m like, okay, I haven’t heard anything. And I go in there and same lady, same crew of people. There’s only like three people that work there. But I go, hey, do you remember me? I was in here two weeks ago. I was kind of animated. I was telling you everything. You said sign this piece of paper. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember you. Yeah, we weren’t. Yeah, we weren’t really sure if you were really going to come here or not. So we really didn’t do anything. I thought you went there.
I go, ma’am, I, I didn’t really argue with her, but I’m like, I, I go, no, I was two weeks ago. And where you said, sign the piece of paper. Oh yeah. But we weren’t really sure if you were really coming here or not. You look like a liar. I’m like, okay, all right. If you looked up on Wikipedia, liar, there’d be a picture of you. I don’t know. I just give off a certain vibe. Because like I say, people like when I jump out of my car at a parking lot, people immediately lock their car. I always hear that. Well, first of all, I can’t imagine you jump out of your car. Let’s be honest. Well, my back’s not out yet. You get out very slowly and make a lot of noise. I’m like Cannon getting out of a car. Yeah, me too.
so i try this. I finally give in i go okay everybody i’m gonna go to your pharmacy. I give up right on the little one so you didn’t even, I gave up. You signed the paper and then that’s it. You didn’t do it. Yeah. Totally right about you. Yeah, I guess she was. Yeah. She lied to my fucking face. I’m like, all right all right well you know all right that’s fine better than her other answer was, I didn’t think you’d make it two weeks. Yeah. We were hoping you would die. It’d be dead of liver cancer soon. I can see it. Yeah. So I’ve only been to the new place a couple of times. So I’m like before the show tonight, which I know you forbid, but I went out. It’s just, we have a time. You should actually be there at the time. No, this is like, this is like seven o’clock. So I go there and there wasn’t many people there.
And there’s a lady kind of sitting in chairs. I really didn’t take notice of her at first. She was busy doing something. I’m like, okay, well, whatever. And there’s, like, some Army veteran ahead of me, and he wants something, and, like, they can’t find it. They’re looking around. It’s a small pharmacy. They seem to like it. Mm-hmm. And anyway, so I look over, and this lady’s like, Coloring, like coloring in a coloring book or something. Oh, okay. Well, some people find that very relaxing and, you know, that’s fine. That’s the, uh, what is that? The Marilyn Monroe nudes play, a coloring book you got there. Oh, I’ve got the same one. I know it’s, uh, yeah. Hedges that look like a vaginas and stuff. Okay. And, uh, so she’s wearing some kind of, uh,
uh unique ensemble. I’m like, okay. All right. Well, that’s okay. Who am i to judge you know did you go, are you a model? because I look at a lot of models yeah yeah and uh so i’m waiting for army jack to get down i’m like okay waiting i’m waiting i can’t find it it’s like the cashier and some trainee, like they’re just shadowing each other. Like, okay. So waiting, still waiting, you know, and I, i get this thing at night time where i’m always like clearing my throat as everyone can hear. It’s all the time. I don’t know what’s going on yeah i get all phlegmy and gross. And so i’m kind of then i noticed like the lady in chairs starts doing it or something like that. I’m like, oh, what? then I realize now she’s got like a fucking trach. Oh, nice.
And she’s blowing shit out of it. How did you realize this? I used my peripherals. Oh, okay. And I could see she’s blowing shit out of her trach. Gotcha, yeah. And I’m like, holy cow. I’m like, you know. You looked into your future. Yeah, I’m like, I hope that’s not spunk. Man, I’m like, jeez. Yike. You’re so gross. Yeah, I finally get, you know, after Captain America gets done, I get up there and I’m like, I don’t know if you know who I am, but I’ve been to New Orleans. I don’t know who I am, but I’ve been banned from every pharmacy here. I’m not welcome. I’m like Joseph and Mary and Jesus all rolled up in one. I’m not welcome anywhere. This is the manger as far as I’m concerned. Nope.
at the end for you. Yeah, no one loves me. I go, you know, I had to pull your thing. You know, I was in New Orleans this summer. I don’t want to brag. I went to the World War II Museum. I only went on one vacation this summer as opposed to four like some people, but… Gotta put them in. Sir, we’ll look right away because we don’t want to get you upset because we know you’ve been on vacation and we haven’t, so please let us… We don’t want you loitering. Yeah, like, yeah. But he hangs out all day coloring you right around. And then something like a jazzed up dude shows up to my right. And he’s like filling out some kind of form. Like, Oh yeah. Oh, it could have been one of your relatives. He’s all like, Oh, I’m like, is this like a gremlins? Like don’t get these people wet at night or something or what the fuck is.
I don’t know. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be judgmental. Yeah. I seemed, I, it seemed like a lifetime, but yes, I did get it. Yes. Lord knows you can’t go more than a day. I mean, well, I try not to run, you know, cause I get texted like, you know, Mr. Title, you know, your, uh, you know, diapers are in, if you want to come get them. Okay. Yeah. Your lubricated catheters. Yeah, come on in. So, yeah, I finished up. I was very happy to leave. I was like, okay, I’m going to leave. God bless you all and good night. They’re like, do you have a cart? You might want to go get a cart. I don’t have a cart. I’ve been on vacation. The little hand basket is not going to work for what we got for you, buddy.
I’m medium rich because I’ve only been on one vacation, but if I’ve run four, I’d be super rich. You’re in the top 3%. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, nice. So you’re all okay now? You’re all squared away? Yes, I have my meds. Out of the claws of the wall CVSs of the world? Yes, I had to explain this all to my doctor last week, and he’s like, yeah, they suck cock, man, don’t go there. He goes… I know. You want me to write you another note so you can get another pharmacy because you keep getting kicked out of them? Yeah, all right. You keep creeping out the pharmacy assistants. Although I did say, hey, listen. Hey, baby, what’s your Instagram? I want to send you some modeling pictures. Oh, yeah. I saw my doctor for a checkup last week and I go, oh, I was hoping you had a trainee with you this week like the other doctors.
He goes, what are you talking about? Which doctor? And I say, oh, this is Dr. So-and-so. I go, his student. He’s like, oh, yeah. I’m like, oh, you little devil. He’s like, oh, yes, yes, yes. The doctor was ogling the students? Yes. He does. He does. No, I’m joking. no i’m joking i’m joking no i can see you doing that. You’re like, you want to listen to my lungs. They’re kind of full full of trick yeah full of something

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