Chapter ~ Deceased ~ Small Paragraph
Pressure towards myself. This causes stress and depression in me when in reality, it doesn't have to be this way. A lot has been happening ever since 2020 and after 2021, I've been very cautious about where my life was headed. I decided ever since then, I could not let myself down. Tired of dealing with the frustration and headaches because I have to think of plan after plan just to make sure that things go right. Making backup plans and repeatedly going over them, just to make sure that everything goes right. Stress. I get so exasperated when plans don't follow. Quickly thinking of what else I can come up with, so plans can still go through. This might not seem like a lot, but it's completely tiring. Imagine doing this on a daily. Steering clear of any headaches to start. Daily making plans just so I won't touch my greatest fear when all I'm doing is making plans to get exactly there without knowing it. I don't want to close my eyes, I've been sacrificing way too much to fall and to give everything up. My heart, ambition, my pride, in general, won't let me. Metaphorically, I've been walking way too far to let things bring me down. It feels like a big gush of wind but with hands, keep pulling me back into the situation I just got out of. People tell me time and time again all the time, that they see the build-up I have in me. That I need to talk to someone about my problems. A therapist. You keep insisting I listen to your proposition, and I dismissed them all. I could talk to people about my problems but they don't understand not one bit about how deep the situation is. They always just tell me some advice that seems so simple and think that all the problems can instantly go away. Again, they don't know the problems that come with that situation. All the stress, headaches, crying, and no sleep cannot just go away with one simple piece of advice, by one simple answer. There are steps and processes to it. Theirs steps to the steps, theirs process to the process. Every and anything is not that simple. I try so hard not to throw in the towel. I try so hard to keep peace within me. I try to keep my relationship. I try to get more money from my job. I try to keep up with my hobbies. I TRY TO KEEP UP WITH MYSELF
