November 15, 2017

PodCastle 496: When You Find Such a Thing

24 minutes

* Author : Suyi Davies Okungbowa

* Narrator : Solomon Osadolo

* Host : Setsu Uzume

* Audio Producer : Peter Wood

PodCastle 496: When You Find Such a Thing is a PodCastle original.

When You Find Such a Thing

By Suyi Davies Okungbowa

Yes, I know meeting my girlfriend’s parents wasn’t on my to-do list for the next few forevers, but it happens that Gbemi is the slyest babe I’ve dated, so I should’ve known, ba? One minute we’re off on a supposed spontaneous getaway weekend she planned for us; next thing, I’m sitting under the dining chandelier at her parents’ Lekki duplex, struggling to explain to her father what I do for a living.

Dr. Gabriel Oyeyemi is engrossed in the evening tabloids, which he reads on a tablet. He’s still dressed in a work shirt, his graying hair seedy and untrimmed. Crumbs of the HobNobs starter dot his full moustache.

“Magician, you said?” His eyes are fixed on the screen.

“No, sir,” I say with practiced patience. “Wizard. Two different things.”

He looks up. “Like, wizard wizard?”

“Yes sir.”

A small frown plays on his forehead. “How does that work again?”

“Well, the usual: apprenticed for three years, got my certificate from the Lagos State Paranormal Affairs Commission, blah blah. I’ve run the Divinery at Sura for over a year.”

“No no, that’s not what I meant,” he says, laying the tablet down. He dusts off his moustache. “I mean, how does the…” He works his mouth as if the word he’s about to say is one with a taste he doesn’t recognise. “The wizarding. How does that work?” He points to the brass bracelet on my wrist. “Is that it? Is that how you do it?”

“Daddy.” Gbemi sails out of the kitchen right then, lays down a bowl of coleslaw on the table. “Let Oduwa eat first, before you fill his belly with questions.”

The man hmms and returns to the news. I thank her with my eyes and she winks back.

My girlfriend is a lunatic. Most unpredictable person ever. I’m here sweating over being unprepared to meet her folks, and she’s winking at me. Maybe she’s already done the legwork then, painted me properly, which is key in my case, where both the truth and a lie are equally destructive.

I trust her sha. Gbemi’s great, crazy enough to stick with me for eight months where all babes before her have cut tail once the syllable wiz- reached their ears. I didn’t tell her I was a wizard until the second month, and she didn’t ask until then. The day I told her, she simply looked at me, shrugged and said, “Oh, okay.”

When you find such a thing, you do anything to keep it.

Mrs. Oyeyemi comes out the kitchen and lays the main course on the table. The woman’s face is a wiped chalkboard, her facial muscles smooth and unreadable, Her eyes barely rest on things with life, always focusing on the inanimate—table wipes, cutlery, her daughter’s off-shoulder blouse. I try to recall her name but can’t seem to remember Gbemi ever saying it with the freedom with which she said, “My father is Gabriel.”

I think Gbemi’s folks are just being courteous for now. Give them a few hours before the ice water drops. Mandem will quick be like this one guy I ran into at Ebeano, who recognised me from an apparition charm I’d once performed while trying to impress a client. Bro was mad shook in that confectionery aisle. He literally knocked over a shelf of gummy bears trying to put enough distance between himself and me, like if the hem of my garment touched him, some dirty power would leave me and flow to him.

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