Pour It On

Ben hosts this week and brings a topic the three of us had somehow never covered head-on: getting help, and especially therapy. Ben starts with the first time he really committed to therapy. He was going through a breakup in a newsroom where he had to walk past his ex every day, and his therapist answered him with an old proverb about sitting by the river.

From there, Chris, Sean, and Ben compare notes. Chris is a strong advocate for therapy and sees it alongside peer groups like MenLiving. Sean has never worked with a therapist and has found what he needs through friends, meditation, and conversation. Ben credits therapy with getting him to a place where he was ready for a relationship again.

Along the way they get into:

• Why asking for help can feel like an admission of failure for men, and why it takes a kind of confidence to say "I need help"
• Finding the right fit, and why it may take a few tries
• What you're actually looking for in a session: solutions, venting, or an empathetic sounding board that reminds you you're not uniquely broken
• The power of the question "What outcome are you looking for?"
• Whether a therapist's gender matters
• Ongoing therapy versus a short, focused "dose" for a specific issue, plus homework or no homework
• AI tools as a possible complement to talk therapy, never a substitute
• The thread that runs through the whole show: don't bottle it up. Pour it on.

Ben's book, Big Problems, Little Problems, comes up at the end. It's a father-and-son story about distinguishing big problems from little ones and solving them together.

Subscribe to our Substack, Come A Little Further, which brings together both of our podcasts, to share your thoughts on the episode and suggest future topics. And check out MenLiving if you're even just curious about another source of help.

In Episode 31 of Pour It On, hosts Chris, Shaun, and Ben dissect the pragmatic realities of aging, goal setting, and the true definition of success. Chris shares his recent experience as a member of a four-person, eight-mile open ocean relay swim in the Florida Keys, sparking a debate on whether success is found in reaching the finish line or in the execution of the journey itself.

The conversation challenges orthodox views on getting older, contrasting the unavoidable physical reality of aging with the mental choice of "getting old". By examining research linking a strong sense of purpose to lower mortality rates, the hosts explore how continuing to test our personal boundaries intersects with long-term personal fulfillment and our capacity to impact the world around us.

Highlights:

• The 8-Mile Swim: Chris his experience at Swim for Alligator Lighthouse in the Florida Keys, battling currents and jellyfish, and ultimately placing first.
• The Pragmatism of the Finish Line: Ben shares his recent success of completely overhauling his son's room—which had remained unchanged for 14 years—and clearing out his house in just three weeks, proving that sometimes satisfaction comes entirely from the destination of a finished job rather than enjoying the process.
• Aging vs. Getting Old: The hosts debate the physical realities of aging versus the mindset of giving up.
• Purpose and Mortality: Chris cites a Rush Hospital study demonstrating that older adults with a defined sense of purpose have a mortality rate roughly half that of those lacking purpose.

Resources:

• Come a Little Further Substack

Goal Setting, Aging Gracefully, Sense of Purpose, Personal Fulfillment, Success vs. Finishing, Pragmatism, MenLiving.

In this episode of Pour It On, co-hosts Shaun Emerson, Chris Lozier, and Ben Feller explore what it actually takes to build and maintain meaningful human connection as adults. From emotional family transitions to Backroads trips, the hosts examine how depth in relationships doesn't happen by accident; it requires deliberate effort, intentionality, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zones.

The trio digs into the practical mechanics of community: why moving past surface-level small talk requires active work, how introversion and social capacity influence our willingness to engage, and why initiating conversation is a muscle we have to actively flex. Grounded in stories of fatherhood and Father Michael Himes' philosophy of asking "what ails you," this episode offers a pragmatic, honest look at the ongoing practice of showing up for the people around us.

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional Milestones & Life Transitions: Chris shares the bittersweet weight of dropping his daughter off at the airport for a semester in Sevilla, Spain, and how major milestones trigger deep reflection.
• The Power of Shared Experiences: Ben reflects on a Backroads trip to Montana and Alberta with his son Sam, highlighting how a group of strangers bonded and how Sam stepped up as a leader during an impromptu soccer game.
• Navigating Small Talk vs. Deep Connection: The hosts debate the challenge of moving beyond surface-level chatter (like weather or Netflix) into real, vulnerable conversation, and when to invest social energy.
• Introversion, Curiosity, and "What Ails You": Chris discusses turning on his "social switch" in new settings by channeling Father Michael Himes' principle of genuine curiosity about others' stories.
• The Simple Act of Witnessing Others: Chris shares a quote from a high school friend—"Be cool to everyone because you never know who’s going to have a party"—and emphasizes the quiet power of acknowledging, seeing, and validating people in everyday interactions.

Resources Mentioned:

• Substack: Come A Little Further ("Let's Read" feature)
• Organization: MenLiving (Book Club for Men & "All Humans" Call)

In this episode of Pour It On, co-hosts Ben, Shaun, and Chris explore the silent, pervasive force of self-talk—the internal story we carry about who we are, how we are doing, and where we fall short. Prompted by a candid moment where a friend called out Ben's overly negative self-assessment over dinner, the trio examines how easily we index on missteps while ignoring objective evidence of our growth and presence.

Through an empirical and pragmatic lens, Ben, Shaun, and Chris deconstruct the gap between internal narrative ("bearish" self-doubt, imposter feelings, and physical fatigue) and outward reality. They share practical ground-level strategies for interrupting cognitive spirals, from mindfulness and physical reframing to inviting direct, loving pushback from trusted peers.

Key Takeaways

• 02:40 – The Outside Perspective: How a friend's blunt callout—"Your narrative about yourself sucks"—revealed Ben's habit of indexing on the negative despite making real progress.
• 05:05 – Self-Talk vs. Self-Marketing: Chris breaks down his "bearish" internal dialogue, the fear of being "found out," and keeping perspective using Jason Isbell's lyrics.
• 07:25 – Body Betrayal & Mindfulness: Shaun reflects on physical aging, self-doubt, and using meditation to observe negative thoughts without letting them dictate action.
• 10:45 – Reframing the Morning Screw-Up: Ben analyzes a schedule mishap, showing how quickly internal criticism can be swapped for self-acknowledgment and resilience.
• 14:00 – Redefining the Start of the Day: The team explores how prioritizing personal fitness sets a positive benchmark before professional demands take over.

Resources Mentioned

• Substack: Come A Little Further (comealittlefurther.substack.com)
• Cultural Reference: George Carlin’s comedy routine on "Self-Help"
• Music & Lyrics: Jason Isbell lyrics on global perspective

We live in a world that's radically overstimulated and chronically exhausted--where "busy" gets worn like a badge of honor and crashing on the couch with a screen passes for rest. In this episode, Chris leads Ben and Shaun past the abstract idea of rest and into something more pragmatic: replenishment. What actually refills your tank when the battery hits 5%? Why do cheap distractions like scrolling and TV win out over the walk, the book, or the garden--even when we know better? And is the difference between rest and replenishment a meaningful one?

Along the way: a resentful lap around Prospect Park, a Montauk beach moment of genuine presence, a restaurant that confiscates your phone in the best possible way, and one host's suspicious ability to make depletion sound peaceful.

Consider the following:

• Claim one micro-moment of replenishment this week. No phone. No agenda. Just you and something that fills your cup.
• Share this episode with one person who needs permission to step back and recharge.
• Follow Pour It On on your podcast app and leave us a review.
• More on "doing vs. being" coming soon on our Substack Come a Little Further.

In this episode of Pour It On, we discuss masculinity, what it means to "be a man," and how universal and essential a definition can be. Spurred by ongoing cultural debates and our work with the non-profit MenLiving, the trio unpacks the tension between traditional male archetypes--the provider, protector, and stoic leader--and the growing need for emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and authentic connection.

Rather than falling into rigid gender tropes or dismissing traditional roles entirely, the hosts examine how societal expectations impact male identity, confidence, and mental health. From navigating underemployment and parental responsibilities to defining quiet confidence and personal integrity, this conversation offers a pragmatic, heterodox look at how men can cultivate self-worth and live with consistency, empathy, and purpose.

Key Takeaways

• Beyond the Archetypes: Exploring why traditional definitions of manhood are being re-evaluated and how initiatives like MenLiving create intentional spaces for male connection.
• The Modern Man's Dual Role: Balancing the instinctual drive to protect and provide with the necessity of being an emotionally open and present human being.
• Questioning the "3 Ps": A thoughtful debate on Scott Galloway’s "Protect, Provide, Procreate" framework and whether rigid gender expectations serve individual fulfillment.
• Emotional Intelligence as Strength: Why asking for help, admitting mistakes, and not over-regulating emotions are essential, courageous traits for young men.
• Integrity Over Performance: Drawing on wisdom from theologian Father Michael Himes to define manhood through consistent values rather than performative bravado.

Resources Mentioned

• MenLiving: Non-profit organization bringing men together for connection and authentic conversation (menliving.org).
• Scott Galloway: Author and professor referenced for his work on male identity and the "3 Ps" framework (Notes on Being a Man).
• Father Michael Himes: Theologian referenced for his teachings on personal integrity.
• Substack: Come A Little Further (comealittlefurther.substack.com).

In this episode, Ben, Chris, and Shaun dive deep into the evolving dynamics of communicating with their children as they transition from childhood to adulthood. The hosts explore the profound lessons young adults teach us, emphasizing the value of their unclouded, pragmatic perspectives. The conversation also tackles the struggle of stepping back—shifting from the parental urge to give unsolicited advice and "fix" problems, to simply being present, listening, and asking questions. It’s a grounded reflection on fatherhood, letting go of ego, and finding the beauty in simplicity.

Highlights:

• The Power of Fresh Perspectives: Young adults often approach complex problems with a purity and simplicity that older generations tend to overcomplicate.
• Shifting from Telling to Asking: The critical realization that offering unsolicited advice is often ineffective and poorly received; true connection happens when parents ask questions instead of imposing their own "wisdom."
• Managing Parental Anxiety: Learning not to project personal fears or agendas onto kids' experiences, allowing them the space to navigate their own paths.
• Quality Over Quantity: Recognizing that "seven good minutes" of genuine connection and presence is far more valuable than forced, prolonged interactions.

Resources:

• Come A Little Further - The Substack page for PIO and If You've Come This Far
• Hocking Hills State Park (Ohio)

In this one-year anniversary episode of Pour It On, Chris, Shaun, and Ben dive deep into the often-misunderstood concept of regret. Moving past the modern "toxic positivity" trope of living with "no regrets," the hosts explore how looking backward with a critical eye can actually serve a pragmatic, evolutionary purpose.

By analyzing counterfactual thinking, the trio unpacks the difference between simple life lessons and true regrets. They examine findings from Daniel Pink’s global regret study, highlighting that the emotional penalty of regret isn't meant to make us suffer indefinitely, but rather to make us feel worse in the present so we can make better choices in the future.

Highlights:

• 01:12 - Celebrating the one-year anniversary of the Pour It On podcast and launching a space for listener engagement.
• 04:24 - Chris introduces the idea of ditching "toxic positivity" and the "no regrets" fallacy.
• 07:08 - The crucial distinction between learning a life lesson and holding onto the heavy emotional weight of a genuine regret.
• 09:50 - Discussing Daniel Pink’s global regret study and the evolutionary utility of feeling regret.
• 14:15 - Breaking down the difference between making bad choices and mourning the chances you didn't take.

Resources:

• Come A Little Further Substack
• Daniel Pink's World Regret Study

In a special crossover episode for our Pour It On listeners, we are revisiting one of our favorite conversations from our sister podcast, If You've Come This Far. Before Ben Feller joined Chris and Shaun as a co-host on PIO, he was a repeat guest on IYCTF. In this extended interview, we catch up with the former Chief White House Correspondent for the Associated Press to explore the humbling, empirical realities of making a major career pivot in your 50s.

Ben also shares fascinating insights from his current role in language strategy, proving that finding the right words isn't just semantics--it's how the world is run. Finally, we dive into a pragmatic and heterodox discussion about fatherhood, challenging the media's persistent narrative of the "bumbling, absentee dad" and advocating for the men who are deeply invested in the daily lives of their children.

In this episode of Pour It On, Shaun, Ben, and Chris tackle the friction between objective reality and our own subjective lenses. Triggered by a famous quote on human perception, the guys dive into the complex and often messy dilemma of choosing between standing your ground to be "right" and conceding to preserve a valued relationship.

Applying pragmatism to everyday conflicts, the co-hosts unpack what it actually means to concede versus genuinely realizing you were wrong, all while trying to remember that most things are not that black and white. From navigating long-delayed friend gatherings to guiding a high schooler through college selection, the conversation is a grounded look at how healthy debate and honest conversation, rather than declaring a winner, is the true mark of success in any relationship.

Highlights:

• [01:45] The Perception Trap: Shaun introduces an Anaïs Nin quote highlighting how our personal biases shape the world we see.
• [02:30] The Ultimate Dilemma: The guys debate the heavy cost of rupturing a connection just to prove a point, asking if being "right" is really worth it.
• [06:50] Conceding vs. Learning: Chris breaks down the crucial difference between simply giving in to keep the peace and actively figuring out you were wrong all along.
• [17:30] Group Dynamics in the Gray Area: Ben explores the complexities of deference and compromise using a real-world example of trying to reschedule a friend group gathering that has been delayed since 2020.
• [23:00] Parenting with Pragmatism: The conversation shifts to raising kids, focusing on the importance of letting a 9th grader have their own "aha" moments rather than forcing a parent's perspective.

Resources:

• Quote: "We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are." (Anaïs Nin)
• Book: The Last Ship by William Brinkley
• Podcast: Conversations with Coleman (Episode: "What People Who Choose Assisted Death Actually Say")