PowerPivot

"This is the hard part about being intensive: that people have told us all our lives that we're dangerous. And mostly, I will tell you that we are not. That we just need to find the right structures. But the size of our emotional experience means that sometimes we can push ourselves over the edge."

Grief is enormous. And there is a lot to grieve. And, as intensives, our ways of expressing grief are often unwelcome (at best) in an expansive culture. How do we honor the intensity of our grief, and process it. And also- how do we remember that we can do that, and so much else, in a community? How do we let others take up our burdens so that we can grieve and rest? And how do we take up those burdens for others? As usual, we will look for answers in community, in relationship, and in the earth. And let's also talk about how to keep our grief from harming us, physically. Because there is a shade of truth in phrases like 'my stomach is tied up into knots." And that truth can be very painful indeed.

Relevant Links:

About the Tank Man from Tiananmen Square: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Man

Leela's Substack! And the new poem: https://leelasinha.substack.com/p/fire-to-earth?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2

The Conspirituality Podcast discusses Project 2025: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/187-project-2025-an-authoritarian-conspiracy/id1515827446?i=1000640530495

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/honoring-the-intensity-of-intensive-grief

Recorded 26 February 2024.

"It's a spark. It's a glimmer. It's the thing that happens that keeps us on the phone for three hours.... It's the shimmer under the skin. It's the joy. It's the relief."

In the last episode we talked about some of the beautiful variations within intensives and within expansives. Now let's talk about the absolute joy that can be found when like meets like. When you find that you don't have to explain yourself to the other person, when there is ease- when we simply click with someone.

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/the-beauty-of-the-click

Recorded 19 February 2024.

"How do you get from generalizations to the specificity that allows you to interact with a particular human being that's across from you?"

Our theme of "Love the One You're With" continues... but let's not make any big assumptions. Intensiveness can be a fairly influential characteristic, but we should always remember that there are wide variations in personalities, even among intensives or expansives. Let's look at some of those variations so that we can get to know who we are talking to a little bit better.

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/same-but-different

Recorded 19 February 2024.

"How do you know who it is that's across from you? What they need, what they want. How you can take care of them, while also under stress and also trying to get a lot of work done. That's where SIEF comes in."

Continuing our theme of "Love the One You're With." Life is unpredictable, and people are certainly hard to predict. And the best way for us to show we care for Person A will not be the best way to make Person B feel cared for (especially if person B is an intensive and Person A is an expansive.) So if we try to meet everyone's needs in a general, one-size-fits-all way, then no one's needs will get met. And unmet needs are the root of resentment. But good news- SIEF is a tool we can use to understand the needs of the people around us a little better, which will help us get closer to the goal of meeting everyone's needs, all the time.

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/prediction-reduces-fire-drills

Recorded 12 February 2024.

"often the breakdown between us is that we don't communicate with the same kinds of expressions of care. And when we don't use the same expressions of care, that means that it's harder to recognize when someone is caring for you, or caring about you."

This is the second episode on our theme of "Love the One You're With." Today, we'll talk more about the differences between intensives and expansives, and how knowing and recognizing these differences can help us better communicate the care we feel for each other. Because recognizing that we have differences helps us realize that one of those differences is in how we know when someone cares for us. So in this case, what is good for me may not, in fact, be good for thee.

Check out Sarah Marie Lacy's portrait paintings at https://smlacyart.com/

Transcript and notes: https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/love-the-ones-you-know

Recorded 5 February 2024.

"predictability makes people feel comfortable. It makes them feel known."

Let's take a brief pause from our theme of "Love the One You're With," and go on a little side quest. Tara McMullin's excellent podcast "What Works" recently dropped an episode called "In Defense of Gimmicks." (Click here to check that out.) Leela has some thoughts on this and the way that we might look at a 'gimmick' as a container, or a form, or even a ritual. And definitely as one more tool for finding mutual understanding.

Transcript and notes: https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/responding-to-what-works

Recorded 9 February 2024.

"we have this built-in system of contempt. It's a mutual reciprocal system of contempt in our culture between intensives and expansives."

It's February, and our theme this month is "Love the One You're With." And what we mean by that is, thinking about how to love and appreciate and work with people who are on the opposite side of the Intensive-Expansive scale from ourselves. There is a often a socially constructed send of contempt between intensives and expansives. How do we break that system in order to appreciate the gifts and skills that each brings. (Hint: we need each other.)

For starters, let's talk about how to recognize intensives and expansives in the wild. You probably know which one you are- but how do you know about the person across from you?

For the SIEF assessment, visit: https://intensivesinstitute.com/assessment/

To learn more about the Gottman Institute and the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse, visit: https://www.gottman.com/

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/love-who-now

Recorded 5 February 2024.

"When we are desperate to rest, and we don't rest, it sets off every alarm bell in our system.... Rest is the space of becoming."

Wrapping up our theme of the tension between the need to do and the need to rest. Last time we talked about 'the way opens'- taking the first step, so that the next step might reveal itself. What happens when the next step reveals itself... as rest? (Hint: rest should definitely be part of the answer.)

For more on Tricia Hersey and Rest is Resistance, visit The Nap Ministry

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/when-way-opens-to-rest

Recorded 29 January 2024.

"How much are we really going to trust that we take one step and "way will open." And when way opens, how de we trust that we'll go that way?"

There is a Quaker saying that we take one step and the way will open. Which we can think of, we may not be able to see the entire path from where we start, but if we take the first step, then the next step will reveal itself. This is not easy for intensives as it involves waiting. It also involves a lot of trust- in ourselves, in our ability to see and take that next step; in our ability to even believe that the path which has revealed itself is the right path for us. And also, a trust in our ability to know when it is time to wait, to rest, to take a deep breath. What is the next step? Where do we go from here? Perhaps, if we take one step- be it a bold one or a tentative one- then way will open.

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/way-will-open

Recorded 29 January 2024.

"Beginning often begins with imagining. We think and we visualize and we imagine and we research. And it's possible to let the research become a stall tactic. But there's also a lot of value to that research, there's a lot of value to that thinking time, to that imagining time."

Last episode we talked about how to choose one task to focus on, even when we are overwhelmed by choices (most of which feel like necessities.) Now that we've chosen a task- how do we start? Perhaps we visualize or imagine the very beginning, the very first step. Perhaps, just reaching the very beginning can be enough.

Transcript and notes:

https://dev.intensivesinstitute.com/captivate-podcast/the-very-beginning

Recorded 23 January 2024.