One of the ways our brains are like computers is that they encode and process new information with information already stored in memory. Just since the inception and continued use of brain imaging, have researchers been able to better understand the role of multi-tasking and its impact in our behavior. Relatively new research regarding cognitive processing confirms what many researchers have suspected for years - there truly is an upper limit to the amount of information a person can effectively process in a given unit of time. Therefore, it is important to understand that when doing multiple things simultaneously, less cognitive processing activity is allocated to each function. It only gets worse the more things we attempt to accomplish or think about at any given time.

So, let’s apply this concept to communication in marriage. For years, I took great pride in my perceived ability to both listen to my wife Lynne explain an issue she was dealing with, while at the same time solving her problem in my head. In my mind, I knew I could provide her an insightful solution long before she was able to paint an accurate picture for me. Yet, based on what we just learned about the brain, it became impossible for me to devote all my attention to what Lynne was trying to communicate the moment I began solving her problem in my mind.  

Unfortunately, the same scenario would play out during our conflicts. Only here, the moment one of Lynne’s comments solicited a negative emotion in me, I would quickly assume she had selfish intentions and offensive motivations. Therefore, once I prepared a set of defensive responses in my mind, all intended to produce character assassination, I would cut her off in mid sentence and unload. Sound familiar?

Needless to say, today things are so much better in this area. Here are a few tips on what led to change for us: