Last night, I again took to Seroquel to go to sleep. And I didn't go to sleep until like one o'clock because I was up editing all the videos I made when I was totally dulled out. Yet somehow I managed to make five videos. And then when I was editing, I took notes. I thought I would just be dull and be able to just edit things and not really see anything else that I wanted to say. But that didn't happen to be true. So maybe my body's adapting to being dulled out a little bit, I don't know. So it's interesting, since I was able to prevent this from going into any full blown crisis, which I'll never know if it was going to. But I stopped it earlier than last time. Unless this was just a warning sign, and then there's bigger and worse stuff to come. I don't know, I hope that's not the case. So hopefully, I've gotten to a point where I can modulate this and regulate this experience of this process happening. And I feel like if I was able to be supported through it, I might be able to just have my consciousness die back and then come out of it. Okay, but I can't really chance that right now. Maybe that would be a cool thing to make videos about. In the future when I have a supported environment, if possible. It might be kind of scary, but it would be interesting in a way to see what it's like when consciousness dies into itself. And sometimes I get this sense that this happens, because I was supposed to die years ago, and I sort of escaped death. I'm not sure how it works. That's not something I want to consider thinking about right now. And two days ago, I forgot to mention that it was nine months of self dialog. And also, it was the 200th video on that list of videos. So 200 videos in nine months. Right now, where am I at? I'm just really feeling like I want to get to emotional CPR, I booked a hotel room I booked a rental car. And I'm having this sense that it's one of those things where I get to the upper limit of how far I can go. And and then have to sort of start again. And I'm kind of realizing what I'm saying that that I'm not sure what that AI is trying to accomplish. Maybe the I can only go so far. And then the rest is up to something else. Or consciousness goes that far and then has to come back and start again, like dying a number of times in life. It's like wiping the brain clean. But then there is some sense of memory of self. And it might not even be stored in the brain. It might just be stored in the body or stored as knowing that there's some kind of recognition of who one is. I don't even know where to begin in terms of talking about my notes. I took 25 pages of notes between last night and today. And it's strange because often, when I have an insight into something, it feels like wow. Not like that's it or anything. But it just keeps going. It just keeps going and going and going. Like I could talk to myself, forever. And I was listening to an interview, or a talk with Dr. Daniel Siegel today on a neuroscience online summit. And it was very fascinating talk. I really like his work. And I made a bunch of notes and extrapolations that I want to talk about. But one thing he said at the end of the interview was that we are nature and we are each other. So I always find it fascinating when people say these things. That is something, someone who is in so called mania or psychosis might say, and they're saying it from an actual felt sense. experience that they're touching and tasting in that moment. Yet, if that person is different than usual, and having other traits of certain so called symptoms, then they're called mentally ill and really to, to me, it seems like their mind and their brain is touching something beyond. And people will say those things intellectually. And they're saying them based on maybe physics or, or different scientific theories that Oh, yes, there's this oneness, or maybe they've, or maybe they've had a tiny taste of it. But some of us have been immersed in it. And since we're not used to that mode of operating, it can't last as it is right now. And then when we come back, we're like fried. And instead of being cared for, we're called mentally ill. And it's just a bit bothersome that. All these amazing researchers aren't quite piecing this together. And a lot of times, I think it's because they've never been there. They're researching this state. And these places, and these physiological things, and neuroplasticity, and all these things. But they've never been in that state where all cylinders are firing in all areas at the same time. And, and what that's like, and I just want to say, for the sake, talking to myself sake, that he was mentioning stuff about integration and how integration is linking the differentiated areas of say, the brain, and how people in bipolar disorder. They're having a problem with those linkages. And so they're not integrated, and they're not integrating. And I would say that there's something more to that. And I don't know for sure, but I have the sense that if the brain is catapulted into a different dimension, one that is based on oneness, and all these other principles and laws of life that we don't operate on, on a daily basis. If that consciousness is a consciousness of we and I'm not separate, and I don't feel myself separate at all, then to me, it makes sense that that brain would become disintegrated in terms of the me and the separate self. So the current supposedly integrated state of the brain is of this self sufficient individual ego and that's the vantage point. So if somebody goes into this world of oneness, and synchronicity the brain is trying to integrate into something else. And it fails when it comes back down. And then people have regular consciousness say, oh, you're, you're bipolar or you're schizophrenic or something. The brain doesn't want to integrate into this society. The current integration and healthy brain is healthy in the context of this unhealthy society. So to me, what he's saying with that doesn't quite make sense. I think that if one of those supposed disintegrated brains, was invited into dialogue, and to actually share their perspective of what it's like to go to that other world, to have that brain state, then in talking with people who haven't been there, there might be some common ground. And there'll be an integration between people that have been there and people who haven't. And that would bridge both brains to be able to integrate up to a different level of seeing and being that isn't necessarily completely all the other world. But it's not just this one. And people would love to have those conversations, but any of those conversations are always being received as this is pathological. Yet, an integrated brain in this current level of consciousness, or a somewhat a little bit higher can say, oh, we're one and we're one with nature? Well, we sure are. And I've felt that and I've been that. And maybe back here, when the brain comes back here, it's blown apart in disappointment, that other people can't see it and feel it too. And be there too, with that person. So the brain has to come back here and it basically falls apart. And then it's all recovery back into integrating into this crummy society. So there's a little bit something missing there. And he mentioned that some researchers found that things like bipolar and schizophrenia, demonstrated impaired integration. And I think that when we go into map consciousness, and transconsciousness, our brain goes into a state of integrating with the whole as the whole. So we're integrating nature. We're actually becoming one with nature, and we are one with nature. And to be one with nature. The current integration circuits have to disintegrate. So I feel like we have a brain state that is integrated when it's in that level of consciousness. But we'll never be measured when we're in those levels of consciousness. Because how can a person who's not in that level of consciousness even see what's happening there? And he also said, What's important is that every mechanism of regulation that we could look for, we couldn't find a single piece of evidence to go against the following statement, that neural integration is the essential mechanism beneath the regulation of anything we could look for. And I wonder, what about what you can't look for. And I do agree that neural integration is key. But what I'm wondering is that, in that state of say, so called mania, something else is being integrated beyond. So somebody is in a very high state hyper learning, very active doing things and like a kid again, that's changing the brain in lots of ways, and then when we come back to regular consciousness, the brain seems disintegrated. Well, it's actually just become non adaptive to the current structure of society, which is actually the point of map consciousness to see a better world that's existing right now, which is a different brain, state and brain traits. And we could have those brain states and traits if they weren't received as crazy. It's difficult to put into words the flavor of what I'm feeling about that. It's like going to this other state Southern world and knowing that one's brain is now adapted for that world. And when it comes back to this world, it's difficult to operate. It's like walking in poison. So why would the brain want to reintegrate into this poison world and being okay with it, because it's not okay in comparison with what we've seen. So our brain has gone beyond integration. It's disintegrated to the me. And everything in recovery is to get this me back and functional and integrated. To move about as an individual and society, well, maybe there's a higher level of organization. And I've been there. But it seems that the brain is not quite completely adapted to that world. And it's definitely not wanting to reintegrate into this world. So it's in this mode of balancing between the two. And we go up to the other world, just enough to allow the mind to create that world through us. And we come down to this world, just enough to let the mind continue to create this world, this crappy world that we all share. Because if the brains really went up to that other world, the lower world would fall apart. So really, were the links to this other world. We've already seen, and it's one already, not intellectually, but actually. So we're, in a way, the neuro plastic humans that are reaching into that other world with our brains, and it's pulling us up there. But we fall back down and we need some compassion, not being said that we're defective, and we can't integrate. We're holding the two worlds together. Because if it gets to a point, where the mind no longer wants to hold the two worlds together, the so called integrated world of people walking around feeling like they're separate, is going to implode. It doesn't take much to disintegrate and a supposedly integrated mind, just like was mentioned with the open system and then nonlinear and the tendency towards chaos. Well, that's what happens to people who go into altered states like mania and psychosis. The only difference is that when that happens, on a mass scale, people who have already gone there will be used to it. And then all the so called integrated people won't be so in my mind, the integrated people need to learn from these so called dysfunctional disintegrated people. They're dysfunctional because they're half walking in a world of oneness. And they're tripping over this crappy society. And yes, we are nature. And when we destroyed too much of the differentiated, complex nature that holds everything together, it will release a terror of thoughts so awful, that we won't know what hit us. Because we're destroying nature's complexity, and diversity. I shouldn't say stuff like this, but I can see how easily it would happen. Thought is supposed to be a helpful tool for human beings to share energy and information flow, to create, to celebrate and to preserve complexity and diversity of the Gaia sphere. Not just humans. But now we've used it to own things and create these means the separate me's. And these means that want to cling and accumulate things while people starve, and diversity gets destroyed. And we wonder why kids are being born with brains that can't integrate any of this shit, because none of it's worth integrating. And we've hit a critical point where the diversity of nature has been destroyed too much to the point where now, unfortunately, consciousness can even enter the human body properly. The energy and information flow of thought and knowledge can enter the human brain, our most prized possession, now children can't even absorb it. So what value is it? So if the mind uses the brain to create itself, the mind sees through the brain and sees through the eyes. And it doesn't like what it sees. It's trying to get humans to see things beyond just the me and personal thought complexes. The mind sees what's happening to the whole mind, to the whole manifest mind, the unmanifest mind sees the manifest mind and modifies the body to gesture in a different way to act upon the mind to regulate it. The brain must disintegrate from the me in order to integrate nature and relationship. If one doesn't become a nature mystic, seeing the beauty and value of nature, he will attempt suicide. Well, I think that's enough angry messages for one day. I don't need to get myself all worked up. But it's okay. Because I can just poison my brain into being some semblance of myself or so integrated into the world of thought of me my knowledge, my there's my that. We don't know there's another faculty of the brain beyond that, which is intelligence. Thought is the intellect but it's not intelligence, and intelligence integrate something else. And maybe intelligence is what disintegrates. The so called normal integration of the brain that is actually just neurotic. We're disintegrated from nature. And if the mind uses the brain to create itself, it's going to use thought to destroy the me. And the me is just thought. But the trouble is that when thought tries to destroy the me and one is strongly tied to that, when might think that they need to end their life. And I think map consciousness is the energy of integrating the mind. And people who go into map consciousness need to be supported to integrate the mind. And one way we can help integrate the mind is to talk about experiences of the mind. And he talked about a definition of energy. He said, the movement from possibility to actuality through a series of probabilities. And I wrote down that's what mania is. Everything feels possible and that becomes actual through a series of probabilities. But the trouble is that when one is in that state of possibility, and moving it into actuality, as time goes on, the probability increases that one will be called insane. Because a person in that state appears crazy to the mechanical mind. So there needs to be some kind of dialogue with mechanical minds to understand this life, process of the mind, and let it know that it's not pathological, and that it needs to be supported. Because it's actually an integration beyond the current integration. But it's being held back by the current level of integration that thinks that it's healthy. That other world is moved by love and how do we increase the probability of getting to that world moved by love and not by thought? Where we move with the world as the world and not as an abstraction

And then Dr. Daniel Siegel, who I think is a genius, but has never been in the map conscious state. In a way, I guess I would like to integrate, and link. I respect everything he's graded. But I would like to create a differentiation and linkage to include other perspectives of so called bipolar and schizophrenia as just mental illnesses. When I feel like we have gone beyond even what he has created in his research, and then when we come back, it's like a burnt out light bulb with sort of fried our circuits, but and he said, that knowing of consciousness may come when the energy position is in this plane of possibility. So I feel like he's saying awarenesses and possibility, well, that's what happens in map consciousness, we are very aware of possibility and that so much as possible, it's a shift from thought to possibility. And then he said, in the plane of possibility, you reach down into infinity, time disappears. And it's a state that's basically the same for all of us, which is like oneness. And really, with what he's saying, he could have a label of a mental illness. Yet, because he's a researcher, he can get away with it. But if somebody else came and said those things and said, I actually experienced that, then they'd likely just get a label of a mental illness. So I just find it very contradictory to say certain things intellectually, you have people who are saying it experientially, are getting labeled. And it makes sense that if somebody goes into that state, or time disappears, it feels infinite. There's possibilities, there synchronicity, the brain is going to change. And maybe it changes to such an extent that when it comes back down from the state, it's disintegrated. It's like putting 100 watts through a 50 watt bulb. And he talks about practicing states to become traits. And I think I talked about that before. And it's the same with mania. One can practice the manic state, even if they're not in that state for those gestures to become traits. And then, when it's actually tied into the neurology of the body in the brain, then one can handle that energy when it comes back again. And he mentioned how Einstein said that the self is an optical delusion of consciousness. Well, that's definitely so. But I've been to the place where it's not an optical delusion, that the self is an optical delusion, it's experienced that there is no self. Actually, I think that when a person goes there, their brain totally changes. And then when they come back from that state, when their brain sort of loses the energy and isn't able to maintain that state anymore, because it's not practiced. It's something new. Then when one comes back, one doesn't really speak the language in the way that it's spoken here, and then they sound odd. And then, because they're not talking properly, they are diagnosed with something. And then he said, other people are us. The planet is an extension of our body. Now, that all sounds very psychotic to me, yet, I know what he's saying is true. Because I've felt it. I feel like if he was to take a group of people labeled with bipolar and say, all these fascinating statements, people would say, yeah, so that's Yeah, that's true. yet nobody will listen to the suppose of crazy people and they say stuff like that. I think crazy people could come up with a lot of interesting stuff that wouldn't take 20 years of research. Because when we're in that state of oneness, we are the researcher, we can just see it with our own eyes. So really, people who go into those ultra states and get labeled are actually researchers of the mind, the mind sent us to that other dimension to see it an experience and feel it and bring that information back. And those insights back, but those insights are called symptoms. Or how we feel when we're being re acclimated to this linear and logical reality that we supposedly live in here. We're supposed to be helping them, because they exist in the level of thought, and we went into the mind and intelligence. But we keep quiet, because that's the compassionate thing to do. And he said, Be an integrator find chaos and rigidity. And there's a lot of that defined in the mental health system. So maybe I'm a mental health integrator. And he mentioned that we're telling kids a lethal lie, that the self is a separate thing. And yet, the same kids who bought that lie, who somehow 15 or 20, or 25 years later, see that it was a lie, and go into the no self state, are pulled back to themselves, by society in the mental health system. So there's those of us who do see through the lie. But then we're given another lie that were mentally ill for seeing it. And he mentioned an example of right and left brain not being integrated. And he said, why not give people an opportunity to see their living with half a brain. And I feel like people who go into map consciousness can help. Other people see that they're not living with their whole brain and their intelligence, and their wakefulness activated, we're not living with our full potential of our brain. Nevermind this half brain, left, right. And all these other ways to integrate the brain. I feel like the mind can integrate the brain in a second. It can push the brain into that other world. And I feel like mania is a journey into being more integrated with go along this path that the mind pushes us along, and we become more and more not the me. And when we become not me, and we have no protection of the me, we rely on other people and the world. When that happens, relying on people and the world, with the world as it is, one can't last in that state. So when does get collapsed back into an ego, the protection goes back up. And when it does, it's really scary. It feels like death, it feels like dying from that innocence of not having this me self, to having that reinstalled painfully. So look outward, have insight and be born into the real world. And I wonder if we can strengthen the manic circuits, the manic sense areas of the brain, I feel like that functionality is something beyond anything that has been really defined. And it's probably undefinable. And as soon as one tries to define it, it's gone. Because the one that tries to define something is defined and how can the defined define the undefinable It's impossible. And I've been thinking about science and how the gold standard is really to repeat an experiment and have it verified by other people are so obsessed with repetition and memory and, and, and proving and stuff. When, if we drop that what is there there's an ever changing flux and flow of a perception. And when it's clear, and not muddied by the second guessing and wanting repetition and proof of something that can never be repeated. Then there's just living I feel like we all have our brain trained in terms of science, like, we have this objective observation. And that we can repeat things. But by thinking that way, it makes it seem like there is objective observation. And that things can be repeated. So we're actually confirming that by setting up science that way, when if we didn't think that way. Maybe it wouldn't be true. All right, what I'm trying to say, in a way is that we're so muddied up with so many things that we think we need to verify and repeat things, for it to be true. But if we were truly clear, and one and connected with intelligence, we would see it with our own eyes. We wouldn't have to look elsewhere for verification of something. We would live in possibilities. We would live as energy and possibility not wanting to confirm stuff for what are more obsessed with repetition, then just rhythm. When we can see rhythm and relationship, then we flow with it, we don't mechanically repeat stuff. But turned ourselves into robots of thought, and we're trying to break out of that the mind is trying to break us out of that. We're in this invisible cage of sounds reverberating through our nervous system and controlling us when we think that because we can sort of steer a little bit with thought that we're living. And somebody asked a question about, he had nine levels of integration. And the last one was kindness. And they said, if you just do kindness, won't it sort of integrate all those lower levels? Something towards that effect? And he said, Yes. And I was thinking about how in mania, we're very altruistic and kind. And I think the traits of mania integrate the brain in so many ways, without having to practice it becomes part of daily life. And daily life integrates the brain, through the gestures, and all those things that I've talked about. thinking there's a me there that's going to be integrating stuff is counterproductive. Because, above all, that there's the no self, state. So why reinforce this meeting? There could be some value, but I think it's just limited. And I think actually, the real integration is, with a lot of the manic traits of wanting to dance and saying and being spontaneous without trying is just how one is one celebrating like we did as children. And that's the really integrated state that's not mechanical, it's living. The integration is trying to break down the mechanical illness. So being playful, and the manic traits I think, would integrate beyond, and he mentioned the word neural perception. So I made up a word, my perception, which is mmap map perception Which is mind action potential or mind action possibilities. The mind has a certain action potential, it potentially ate certain actions and gestures and playfulness that is something way beyond practice. There's no one there to practice is just is just your state. And in Ken Wilber terms it would be about making that state a stage. And that's why embodying one's mania is important. Again, our brains aren't integrating because it integrated into something else. All of those structures in the brain that integrate memory or integrate this or integrate that they're all structures of a me they're all structures of a scarred human being. kids aren't born with those all filled up with memories and junk. And when one is in mania, one doesn't need that information. And so it just blows apart. And then we come back from that state and we're not allowed to talk about it. We'd love to talk about all of our experiences if we weren't being looked at with the pathological lens. And the only way for a brain that is disintegrated from returning from mob consciousness, to integrate is unconditional love and not judgment, because unconditional love and oneness is what the brain is now attuned to. So people regular consciousness people can show that and be that then allows the brain that safety, to share what it needs to share in order to have dialogue with regular consciousness people in order to allow them to see that other world that all their years of science is a very slow process compared to what would happen if people just listened to people gone there. And listening to people who have gone there is no rocket science. Just takes listening and care and attention.

So I just got my bottle of hearty nutritional supplements in the mail. And it's a really big bottle. And I'm just about to take the first one, it's evening time. And the first three doses, you just take one and then the next day, you take two and blah, blah, blah, up to four at a time, three times a day. And they were saying that in about three weeks, I might need to reduce some medication, but it varies depending on the person. So I need to watch out for side effects of medication because the stuff could make me have side effects as the medications become unnecessary. And I was really hoping to do this at home when I was back home, but I'm experiencing things and I'm slowing it down with extra medication. Last night, I took to Seroquel. And I was laying there for a while. And I couldn't quite fall asleep. And interestingly enough, I felt this energy kind of at my root chakra area. And it felt like it was kind of swirling around. And I had this sense that it was that Kundalini energy they talk about. And it just started moving around. And I thought to myself, Oh, no, you don't like not now. And so I took another Seroquel. So I have a feeling that since the process this time didn't really start and then get medicated, it just sort of barely got initiated. And I took medication knowing that I don't want it to go into full force. But it feels like it's still wanting to go to some kind of peak, but I'm not letting it. And I'm not sure what the result will be. Because I don't feel kind of like last time and other times I've gone to the hospital where it's basically gone into full blown, whatever you want to call it. Crisis distress, so called psychosis, whatever, PTSD. But this time I stopped it. So in a way, it's good. It's like a next step where I haven't let it get out of hand, I've put the handle on it. But in a way, when it gets out of hand, it sort of comes to a peak and then plateaus and then drops off. But I feel like I'm in the space where I'm preventing the peak. And I've never really been there before, except for maybe preventing little peaks, building up to the big peak where, basically I guess what happens is I lose control. And not that I'm out of control, because I'm actually in control. But there's an element inside, whether it's scary stuff inside that I'm not in control of and it's just sort of there and running its course and it's terrifying. And I just don't want to get into that absolutely terrified state. But in a way, I feel like if I keep just stopping it, I'm gonna have to continue to drag myself. But maybe with the help of these supplements, I won't need to do that. So again, even though I've experienced crisis five times this one is somewhat different. And again, I thought that I would have a good five and a half to six months before anything started. So here I am, in California, in the exact scenario that my family was afraid of, and I didn't think would happen. But luckily I can keep myself safe. I haven't really told anyone and there's no one really to tell too much too. But I've told one of my friends back home and they are prepared to come and escort me home. But I really want I get to ecpr. In April, I booked a hotel for one night to go to the class. And I just really want to get a sense of if it's going to be helpful. And it's interesting because I found myself in a situation where I really wish I was surrounded by people who know this emotional CPR. And and I wish I just wish I could let go of this energy. And let it do what it needs to do. I feel like this time, I almost wish I could just go into that terrifying this and, and because once it starts, then it comes to an end after a couple of days, and then I'm okay. But this time I seem to have stopped it from happening. And now I know it's still there. It's not like, Okay, got to the worst point. And now it's only gonna get better. I'm just afraid that it's still gonna come out. And that, I guess I'll have to go through it somewhat alone. And interestingly enough, after my last crisis that I got through without my family and community, so wonderfully, I said, Maybe next time, I'll just do it by myself and not tell anyone. And now I'm in the situation where I might end up having to do that. So I've been wearing my heart rate monitor. And I'll wear it to sleep to see if my heart rate speeds up, because that's what happens. And I'm not really afraid of it for myself, I'm just afraid of it for the situation that I'm in. And I I did sort of say to myself that if there was any sign of anything, I would make my way home right away. And so even in staying here, these two more days, so far I've gone against that, that just don't want to I don't really want to cut it short. So I really I'm just so hopeful that this supplement helps me because if it doesn't, I might just have to go home or continue to really drag myself with Seroquel. Which is fine, but it's difficult to get through the day. And again, it feels like I'm trying to stop the thing from happening versus just get through the fallout. And it feels kind of scary because of that. So I guess if I can get through the next couple of weeks and go to ecpr if I have to go home after that, I guess I have to but the thing is too is that I could allow myself to go into that state and just get over it and take a week to get over it. And then just continue on. I just feels like Time is running out. Like I'm trying to hold myself up against a force that I'm not sure what it is and I just really hope this stuff helps. And I was always thinking that it would be cool to document coming off medications. But I didn't know I'd be forced into a scenario of doing it. Of a sort of desperation and I have my and I have my zap strap kit I've been carrying with me with extra Seroquel and that way I can always Secure myself to something. And I have my medical ID bracelet that I'm wearing. And I just really hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories that I end up not making it. And then my videos are discovered. And then people are like, wow, too bad we didn't have more helpful services for people to get through this stuff. I really want to get through it and be able to help people because the medications are helpful, but they're also not helpful. There's like the tiniest little caterpillar I've ever seen. See it. I was thinking today if there was just going from looking at hummingbirds to looking at the next thing to the next thing. Infinite delights outwardly, we'd never have this experience of inward anything. Like the tiny caterpillar. I didn't know. I didn't know caterpillars could be that small. Today is a hummingbird really close he was flying and drinking out of all the little flowers. There's so much beauty. I feel like I need to practice some of the things I've talked about, like posture and things like that, to make sure that I don't get crushed by this. Gonna go so I'm gonna take one of these pills. And, and that's the thing I get so confused. I forgot I could take more trazadone instead of more Seroquel. And so tonight, I'm going to take more trazadone to try and get a good sleep and keep this energy at bay. And I was even thinking that I wish that I could have a retreat with Shawn Blackwell because I think after the Kundalini thing happens, there's holotropic breathwork that happens naturally. I actually remember that sort of what happened the very first time it was like this energy that made me pretty much collapse and just lay there and breathe. And it's kind of a scary process to lay there and breathe like that. So bottoms up good documentation. It does work. feel better already. He's getting stuck in my knuckle here. thinks it's one of his friends. Do you feel Caterpillar I see you were so tiny Okay from my buddy tiny Caterpillar in his natural environment

So I found a quiet batch here, out in nature, somewhat protected from the wind. And I've been meaning to do a bunch of self dialogue, because I've written a lot in the last while. But it seems my attention gets called to things like beauty and nature. Like yesterday, I was making the video and then this tiny Caterpillar caught my attention. And it was so cute. And I spent at least half an hour with it. And then I spent an hour editing the video I took. So an hour of my time of that day was taken up by this tiny Caterpillar, and I felt like I could have spent even more time with that caterpillar. And I hear something walking this way. And I just want to make sure it's not a bear or something. So stand here for a second. But then today, just as I found my little spot here, I sat down, and that's the spot. And I looked at the tree, and there's a bunch of ants and I thought, Oh, well, that'd be cool to film with my macro lens. So I did. And then I put it away. And I looked back. And with my regular eyes, I could see that the ads, little bombs were having light shine through it, they were looking transparent. And I thought, Oh, it must just be the way the sun is shining. And so I was wondering if I could capture that. And so I started to capture that and it looked kind of like the light was shining through it. And that was what was happening. But then I realized that they were actually lighting up their bomb, and changing the color from a gradient to totally lit to totally dark. And they were communicating with each other. And I've never heard about ants communicating in this way, though. It's likely that people who study ants know this. And so I recorded them rhythmically lighting up their bombs to communicate to each other and also colliding with each other and and there was definite, intricate communication going on there. And it was just so beautiful and fascinating. And I recorded it. I don't know how well it captured it. That's the thing that it seems like the brain gets drawn more and more into beauty. I wouldn't say drawn more and more into it that makes it sound like it's a distraction. Whereas really what is all around us is infinite beauty of nature and even of humanity partially. And then there's this tiny little fragment that is the unbeautiful ways that humanity is programmed itself to act out of these beliefs and scarcity and everything. One thing that's not scarce is the beauty of nature. But we've turned our attention away from that, in favor of things like technology. And I'm not against technology. I'm not against anything. But all I'm trying to say is there is this infinite beauty that the concept of scarcity doesn't exist. And that's an infinity available at each moment. But we've been hypnotized into turning our attention away from that. And it's not just about frolicking and beauty all day long. That's not what I'm saying. But it's almost like our brains are so out of tune with it, that we can't even tune into it at all. I was the fact that I was able to spot this tiny Caterpillar on my leg without even really seeing it or looking at it closely. I just said it out loud, is that a tiny Caterpillar, and then I had to look. Whereas if I would have just seen this little black thing moving, I would have thought it was a disgusting little bug and, and flicked it off or something. But I don't find any bugs disgusting, necessarily. But so it seems like part of this thing is going in and out of beauty. And I think when the perception of enough, beauty is channeled through the nervous system, through actually seeing it, and being with it, and witnessing it, and being in wonder of it, I think that's part of what might spur this distress, because the nervous system is more attuned to beauty. So it then has the sense to release more of the Holograms stored in the nervous system and brain. And that can be distressing. And it's not a conscious process. It's almost like when we absorb enough beauty subconsciously, or subjectively, then we're processing some of the non beauty through us. And the thing is, oftentimes, when we're in distress, we're met with moving towards being psychiatrist, and going back into society and the systems that aren't beauty. But when we're in the beauty, we feel it and we know it, and we don't know how to speak that to those who don't see and feel it. And then we can actually get quite distressed because we're going back into societal programs. And not just for us as an A me that wants to be here loving the beauty and all that it's as a system of humanity. Just like the answer communicating something by flashing their bums, people are communicating by flashing in distress and it's not about the me the answer and talking about me, they're they're communicating as a whole. And so we're not communicating as a whole of humanity. And so people that go into beauty, when they're coming back, because you can't really remain there, because not everybody's there. Then we're walking towards psychiatry, instead of being received non judgmentally, to be able to process some of that pain. And it might not even be a matter of people who go into that consciousness being like, I have all the messages for you, society. And now listen to me, it would be even just more being able to be supported through processing those energies, because we're processing those energies for the whole. And maybe it isn't even a matter of one is better than the other, it's just a matter of some people are really processing it and feeling it and, and sensitive to these other energies and frequencies and sounds and, and noise and everything. And really people who are doing that should be honored for their ability to process some of this stuff, and kind of keep quiet about it and let people who don't sense this goes about their life and their business and whatever they want to do. It would be wonderful if one day, people who went through these processes were seen more as having a unique place in society to really be able to sense things and supporting a person to learn that language. Because again, that language isn't even about us as people who go into that state and them as people who don't, we don't need everybody to go into that state all the time. But it is a unique brain state. I feel it is a unique neural tribe. And the fact that there's a lot of research going on about all these different altered states of consciousness, but people who go there Cuz they're sensitive to things. Their whole being is just sensitive. It's not like you can make your being sensitive, you can't say, okay, no be sensitive, no, just the universe makes some people sensitive, in order to process some of these things and also support society in being able to move towards other meanings such as beauty, then just these mechanized things like technology. And that's the thing, it's going from a living state, which is very feeling and alive and embodied to being chemicalized. Back into this mechanized way of being. And it seems like one is just this living state, and the other is this sort of robotic state. And that robotic state is necessary. And it's not necessarily bad. We have to be so called robotic in certain ways when we drive a vehicle and we learn, but we've become robotic, and how we drive our consciousness. And then the people who go into those states where all sudden they're released from that robotic control consciousness that, that contrived consistency, while they're pathologists and says something's wrong with your brain, when really, we've just been released from that consistent program that we all believe in, in society. So anyways, I, I'm really having a sense of these things, and I, I have different senses of things all day long, but it's hard to really capture all of it. It seems like there's a world where we're moved by consciousness, itself, and then a world where we're moved by thought and everything in between. But that isn't something living, but it has control of our living energy. And when that control is released, it takes a while to actually adapt to it. It's like the next adaptation. It's like natural selection. And not all of us who go into those states of consciousness make it and yesterday, when I was editing the video, I was noticing how drugged I loved and how bloated my face looked and probably looks still kind of bloated, for sure. But I think that those extra medications sort of slow down one's voice and it's even in the facial structures and how it sort of inflames and bloats the face and and this morning, I took another one something over there. I took another one tablet of the Hardy nutritionals and then for lunch, I took another one. And at dinnertime I will take two and I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling not as much like something is being held in. So hopefully that could mean that I'm on the mend. And that blocking it was a good idea. It was definitely a good idea but I'm hoping that the blocking didn't make it so I'm going to have to constantly block something versus when it gets to the peak gets somewhat out of control that I know that it's just tapering off. So between feeling better today that's a good sign. Last night I took one Seroquel and two trazadone instead of the night before I took half a Sarah have a trazadone and three Seroquel. Somehow my brain just didn't quite compute what to do. So I will definitely keep going with that. And I wore my heart rate monitor and I'll show you what it looks like when I'm falling asleep. And I don't have the comparisons to the nights before when I was actually really in more distress because I wasn't wearing it. But wearing it actually feels like somewhat of a security I don't know why, even though it's not really going to do anything, but maybe it's almost a gesture of saying to my heart, okay, I'm going to pay attention to you. I know that you're stressed. I'm going to manage

I want to start by juxtaposing the philosophy of the recovery scenario with a quote by J. Krishnamurti, which is, it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. So to me, recovery is about adjusting back into this profoundly sick society. When I think in my consciousness, there is a discovery of many things to move away from, as well as a lot of other things that one could say, to actually support the society having more meaning. Because the brain goes into the hyper meaning state, and is able to harvest a lot of meanings that people can't usually see. I just remembered something I remembered last night. I had this voice. But it wasn't really sound. But I sort of heard and felt this thing, telling me to just have fun with it. Because writing all these things down and then making videos, sometimes I get behind. There's no real purpose to it. But I've sort of set up a purpose somewhat of catching up, as opposed to just having fun with this process of self dialog. And it's not like it hasn't been fun. And I'm not like trying to actually do anything except talk to myself, and see what happens. It's just a tiny shift to remember to have fun with it and not be whatever, I don't know, I don't think I was anything. But I just when I heard that. I was like, Oh, yeah, I am having fun. But there's always room for more fun. And I wrote down that the body is being used to project images. And with that we relate. So we're communicating based on these images we project. And we're not communicating based on calculating the gestures and the movements of the moment of what someone's saying, as a movement, as how they move is how they stand. And when we're projecting the Holograms, when we're meeting the world through this holographic projection, we can't actually see what's there to calculate. So if I was so stuck on making self dialog that day, I probably wouldn't have even seen that little caterpillar. But it got picked up by my beauty perception apparatus. My beauty sense, it's probably another sense, that is just so atrophied. Whereas It seems that my mind if something's within the field of consciousness, that is beautiful. It will naturally select that. So I think this map consciousness is actually a process where we're looking as beauty at beauty, and selecting for that. I think we just have so many areas of the brain and things that haven't even been discovered, because we're not perceiving in that way, we're not being in that way. So those areas of the brain would not be activated epigenetically, an epi gesture radically. I think the body is afraid of holograms. Because in a way, we're afraid our holographic image of ourselves will get damaged. And even when I go into those states of distress, there's a little bit of thought energy and some kind of energy and it could be the holographic energy of memories or, or, or prophecies or, or whatever hallucinations or delusions, whatever you want to call them. And the body reacts in fear. Because we're used to reacting in fear of these holograms that we're projecting ourselves. So I think there's just subconscious holographic projection crap left in my body and I think that's what gets breathed out. Holla tropically. And maybe when that's gone consciousness, in its purest form, re enters the body and can see through the brain. And with what Dr. Daniel Siegel was saying about the brain being integrated and in regular people Not in people with mental illness or something, the regular brain is trying to be integrated with thought. It works based on the fuel of thought. Whereas a brain of somebody who's labeled with something like bipolar or schizophrenia, is trying to integrate insight. They're trying to integrate infinity, which is beauty, actually, it's the beauty of the moment. But the beauty is negated when thought structures come in, and try to grasp onto a little piece and say that it knows what it is. So we're missing out on this infinity. So yes, their brain has disintegrated from thought of me, and my memories, and, and my stories, and all these things that are supposed to get integrated into this society as it is believing in these separate me selves and the importance of our own little stories. All of that becomes actually meaningless when somebody goes into map consciousness. But it's very hard for the brain to stay there. And actually, it's possible that part of the brain does stay there and people who go there now exist in superposition states have multiple realities simultaneously. So So if some major rearrangement of the entire universe happened, because it's all based on consciousness, consciousness is fundamental, not matter. One has a piece of consciousness in multiple dimensions, like, one left a light body version of themselves in the dimension of beauty and consciousness, and then, and then fell back into regular consciousness and then got labeled in this material reality, and came back here to help actually help people level up to that level of consciousness that is in a world of beauty. And, you know, part of it could be that some people just don't exist there. And some people do. And, yeah, it's this whole, we're all one consciousness, multiple bodies, as we walk there together, yet people don't see it, certain people die, and people are going to die anyway. So we wouldn't really notice that that's what's happening, we wouldn't really notice that certain people see it, and then they go there. And there's lots to that. And I don't want to get all crazy on you, though, I could say that stuff all day long, because I've seen it. But it's really irrelevant. what's relevant now is, is receiving people who are in distress with unconditional love, and helping homeless people because they are there in that other dimension. But here in this dimension, their brain is so disintegrated, that they can't move. But if they were given some love, and unconditional notice, a lot of them would actually be quite saintly, but they just are so saintly, in a way that and so compassionate, that they'll just sit there and, and wait for somebody to recognize this. And, and, and die waiting. And this whole matter world is actually way too dense for their consciousness, and they can't even move, barely, just enough to do a few things in a day. And then they have to take drugs or something to to increase the fluidity of their body to be able to move around. And then people think that they're just mentally ill and stuff. But they kind of ventured into that consciousness a little bit too quickly, without everyone else. And, and they're sort of the test in a way that will we look at them and say, you know, you're loved as a member of humanity. And here, we will support you to not just come back into this society, but they might actually have some really good messages for us to hear. But I get off track. And I say this because I can see what they're doing, I can extrapolate my experience to their experience. And I can see different trajectories of my own life and where they might go and, and they might already be there. And I'm not really sure which one I'll end up in. And that's kind of up to the progress of everybody and not even progress, but just how people choose to see this. Like certain people in the world have been recognized as having high level of consciousness and people see that and they're able to maintain that high level. Whereas if somebody is seen as just having a mental illness, well, that way of seeing that person, that consciousness is going to keep them there. It's all about perception, and we're sensitive to the light coming out of other people's eyes. It's almost like we know how we're being looked at And then we play the role. Because if we do anything else, then we're just seen as more crazy. So it's life energy integrating through the brain, life, integrating life, not integrating thoughts. And the me, that doesn't really have much to do with life, and thought energies in circles, whereas life energy is infinity. If there was a way to put these dis integrated brains, these so called mentally ill brains, in paradise in a world of beauty, they would probably all of a sudden be completely fine. And actually, I remember the very first time this all happened to me, I was talking with the psychologist and I was not doing well at all. And then, as soon as I went outside, I felt completely different. I felt like I could be out there all day. It was almost like I was free. But then as soon as I went back home, I didn't feel well, again, I felt like I was back in the energy of the structures. And I hope I do okay, when I go back home, is actually might be really important to actually get myself quite strong in my brain before I go back home, even if it's in a month or two months or four months. Look, know, when making noise. You're not a bear? Well, he's pretty cute. So yeah, our brains are disintegrated because we're in the wrong environment. And it's a sign that it's just the wrong environment, in general, because anybody can have an integrated brain and then it can disintegrate. The energy of an infinity is much greater than the energy of thought. And the glue that holds thoughts together to form this illusion of me. separation is an illusion. So it won't really hold together. In my mind, the mind is trying to create new traits. So the mind uses the brain to create itself. And the mind can create the brain. It can change the molecules in the brain, it can have an effect on the brain, it can make the brain grow new structures or change its structure. It's trying to create the trade of seeing the meaning of beauty. Because if we don't do this, we're gonna destroy the planet. What are you doing? Oh, he's cute. One of them's never hung out with me this long before. I actually thought of revision of what Dr. Daniel Siegel said. He says, the mind uses the brain to create itself. I feel like the mind changes the brain to create itself is changing the brain towards beauty. And I think this is what happens with the hyper neuroplasticity. And the brain growth induced by perception of beauty. It grows the brain in areas to perceive more beauty. And one day people will be more attracted to beauty than non beauty and technology right now we're all attracted to technology. And he said the mind can change molecules while the mind can turn on genes and things and and that's probably what it's doing. It's making epigenetic changes to the brain such that it produces some of the neurotransmitters such as DMT and blah, blah, blah, and all the flow chemicals. This can be turned on by mind and consciousness. And each time it happens, each time it creates that brain state, it's exercising that brain state. So it'll eventually become a trade. So I think those manic traits are very important to actually practice because I feel they can be created through gesture. But in the mind in desperation that we're not gesturing in these ways, and reaching out in these ways, makes it so we're animated to do so by changing our brains. And if we do it ourselves, the mind doesn't have to do this. And I was talking about superposition states. And I know, I have several other superposition states where I exist in other realities simultaneously. And myself dialogue in a ways making this mind as this person, relational, and maybe other people can relate to some of it. Because it's not really personal thing. And in a way, the mind is trying to make us more relational, by animating us in ways that make us more relational in terms of saying hi and smiling and being joyful, and dancing and singing and being spontaneous, and all these things that in our regular daily life, we wish we could be, some people get the blueprint for another brain. And then the mind is compassionate in that it gives us the opportunity to walk there ourselves with our material body, but we have to gesture ourselves there. There's really something about this reaching out and how we reach out and just reaching out, not reaching out with a certain motive, but just the way we reach out. And he spoke about linking the differentiated parts of a complex system and how we're complex systems, where we're actually trying to link the differentiated parts as in other human beings, other minds, nature, these are part of consciousness, these are part of the mind. But we're actually in the way we're integrated. Now. We're disintegrated from most of the mind for most of what we are. So I just feel that there's certain aspects that are missed a little bit when one hasn't necessarily gone beyond the current limitations of the brain. Because one then doesn't have that vantage point. And then the people that do have that vantage point, are put at disadvantage, by the way they're treated and seen and received. So is it impaired integration and bipolar and things? Or are we trying to integrate something else, I feel like beauty is trying to integrate into our mind, and trying to integrate our mind and brain. And seeing beauty and, and just being able to understand nature by just looking at it is a different form of intelligence. If we all had that we wouldn't need science, science is all about manipulating variables to find some kind of useful thing that we can manipulate further to control something. But when we understand things, we understand the beauty and the intelligence and the elegance of it. We don't destroy it, we let it because we know it has its proper place. And plus, it's fun to just go around and learning about nature from its source. Being able to see beauty and understand nature, or just be with nature, I don't know if it's understanding it or have some kind of communication or communion with it is is the most incredible thing. It's better than any TV show that we have. And I wonder I've asked the question, does nature exist? If we're not looking, and when we're not looking and loving and paying attention to it? It what starts to disappear? Peekaboo Peekaboo. So yeah, impaired integration in bipolar is definitely, in my mind, a limitation of perspective of a mind who's never taken multiple perspectives or infinite perspectives or actually felt like they were a bird or an all these other experiences that are somewhat disembodied, but actually give consciousness, an algorithm by wish to calculate something else, which is the beauty of things and the interrelatedness and the interconnectedness. And it's like an education beyond any other. That gives one the perspective that is so needed right now, to be able to see through other perspective students know just looking at something that it's valuable, and it's unique and it's special, and it's a differentiated part. And by perceiving it and understanding it and seeing its beauty, that is the link That links it. So the more we look at stuff and realize its uniqueness and value and have a conversation with it, and not just cut it in and scrape it and squash it and throw it, then we're differentiating, and linking the whole mind every single thing in nature to ourselves. And that's what's happening in the bipolar brain, just one of the things, there's a lot of things, it's quite unlimited. But I feel a lot of the value of the bipolar brain is squashed. When a person who said Well, you're mentally ill, you're defective, you have to take medications forever. The thing I feel partly is happening for me is I can take medications to doll certain aspects, like the thoughts coming back in or whatever it is, or, or some of the systemic crap that is difficult to be sensitized to, but is becoming less powerful, and being able to actually dolmio completely to where the intelligence is not operating. So it's like getting more strong after walking around with a lead body suit on and one needs to do that when one is living more in the field of consciousness and less in the field of thought. But in the field of consciousness, one is very open and sensitive, and has to be in order to perceive this way. So one can become more subject to everything in the field of thought, which most people's nervous systems are attuned to, and, and see as the normal fuel. But when one is sensitive, and the beauty is the fuel, then thought, energy becomes poison. And one has to poison oneself, to be less sensitive, to not experience that stuff. We're all one consciousness, and it's related to the brain stuff. And I can understand somewhat, what's happening to people who are labeled as mental illness, what's happening with homeless people, and what's happening with autism. It's when you look at it from the perspective of the human brain, not my brain and my ego and my thoughts in me, but the whole brain and, and the function of the human brain, what it's doing and where it's moving towards. And you can see how certain brains get diverted along certain tracks. And you can see, if you think about it as the evolution of humanity and how it's evolving, you can see why these poor children are being born with brains that won't accept the thought programs. More and more of us are becoming allergic to thought programs, and the mechanical nature of it. The planet cannot withstand having more humans on it with these mechanical thought programs and operation. And I don't think the kids with autism are doomed. I actually feel like they just need a different medium. They need different timeframe. They need a lot of beauty, a lot, a lot, a lot of love. And again, well we love them. We love them. Do we love the homeless people? Do we love the people who get altered states and then come back to this reality and then are pathologized how are we receiving these people? How is the system of thought receiving people who don't seem to be able to acclimate to this mechanical system of thought? I got through nearly one page of 30

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