Have you avoided a hard conversation recently? If so, I wouldn’t blame you. No one’s really any good at them. It’s one of those things you hope to be “not terrible” at. Even the best leaders struggle when confronted with opposing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes (the best hard conversation definition from the book Crucial Conversations). To make things worse, these conversations are often “make or break”. You only get one chance to fire someone, to ask for a raise, to confront someone you care about regarding a sensitive issue. There’s no reset button if you screw up.

So naturally, we avoid these conversations. We do nothing. Not because we want to do nothing, but because it’s the safest thing to do. In turn, the situation festers, making it that much harder to address later as the stakes get higher.

To overcome this, you have to develop the tools to address these conversations early and tactfully, thus empowering yourself to be proactive about these difficult situations. What’s the best way to do this? Ensure that you keep the other persons mind open about having a challenging conversation. You want them to a) be willing to have the conversation and b) to be open to hearing your perspective. To achieve this, you need to have a clear idea of what you want, an understanding of why the other person would want what you want, and a script that communicates this neatly.

What do you want?

Before the conversation even starts, take a minute to reflect on the outcome you’re looking for. What are you hoping to accomplish? If you’re asking for a raise, talking to a spouse about finances, or confronting a coworker about shoddy work – what’s the range of outcomes you would be satisfied with?

If you don’t have a clear objective, you won’t be prepared for the natural curves in the conversation. Make your ask specific and be prepared to be open and honest (and potentially vulnerable) about where you’re coming from. Also consider the other person’s perspective. What push-back might they give you? What would prevent them with agreeing with what you’re asking for?

Why should the other person care what you want?

Why is what you’re asking for important? How does it affect the other person? How are they served through this conversation? In any hard conversation, it’s important to find common ground that both people can stand on. If you’re asking for a raise, it’s highly likely that you and your boss both want the thing that’s behind the request – your desire to feel adequately valued. That’s the common ground you share and serves as a good jumping off point for your conversation.

If you’re working through spousal disagreements around money, your common ground might be that you both want to be in a stable and healthy financial situation. If you’re talking with a disruptive coworker, your common ground might be that you both want to have a productive working relationship.

By understanding this approach, you’ll find that it also helps you to empathize with the other person’s perspective. If we all want the same thing, then the person disagreeing with me isn’t “out to get me”, they just feel differently about how to get that thing. It becomes a discussion about tactics and prioritization, not a discussion about values. You and the other person are actually on the same team.

Know exactly what you’re going to say

Equipped with a clear understanding of what you want and the common ground you’re working from, combine all of these elements into an opening statement. Your statement should be brief, clear, and communicate everything covered above.

The formula that everyone can use is:

1. I have something that I’d like to talk to you about
2. It affects you because it impacts something we both want
3. I’d like to have a dialogue/conversation about it
4. The outcome I’m hoping for is [outcome]

Here’s an example: “Hey [boss], I want to talk to you about my compensation. Recently, I’m worried that I’m not adequately compensated for [reasons]. It’s important to me that this is a place that values my contributions and compensates me accordingly. I’d like to talk about this openly and I’m hoping that you would consider [outcome].”

Is this perfect? No. There’s no perfectly smooth way to have one of these conversations. Your goal is to minimize cringe and awkwardness, not eliminate it. Practice your opening statement until it feels authentic to you and captures the heart of what you’re trying to say. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to get a conversation started.

Something important to keep in mind: you can’t force someone into talking to you if they don’t want to. If the other person doesn’t seem open to the conversation, don’t force it. Just because you want to talk, doesn’t mean the other person has to. Additionally, don’t pursue the conversation if the other person seems agitated or defensive – the worst thing you can do is start things off on the wrong foot.

One of the core differences between good leaders and great leaders is how they handle these kinds of interactions. Engaging in these conversations is an essential step, but so is learning to be a better listener and how to compromise. These skills take practice, so don’t be surprised if your first few attempts are rocky and painful. Again, there’s no such thing as an easy hard conversation.

Good luck out there.

Today’s episode explores the best metaphor for describing management, Frederick Taylor, the father of the scientific theory of management, why extrinsic motivation is an undependable way to motivate your employees and why Patrick thinks of orchestra conductors as the best metaphor for leadership.

Topics referenced in today’s episode:

Frederick Taylor

Do You Have the Will to Lead?

A reading from a blog post published on 7/7/20.

Leaders rely on their teams not just to get the job done but to get it done with excellence. This means having motivated, driven employees who don’t need micromanaging for great results. Unfortunately, no one gets high-performing employees handed to them. They’re built and cultivated over time. This is easier said than done and many leaders are left asking a simple question: what’s the best way to motivate unmotivated teams?

“We should simply inspire them!” would be the Disney-movie answer. But let’s be honest, there’s no easy-button for motivation. Anyone that’s worked entry-level management can speak to the levels of exhaustion and resentment from trying to inspire unmotivated employees.

Too many leaders still use extrinsic motivation for employees, poking and prodding them with carrots and sticks. This fossil of early management theory (popularized in the early 1900s) puts a wedge between management and labor, with leaders lording over the lowly employees. Conversely, 21st century thinking has led to an uptick in intrinsic motivational styles – characterized by making work more meaningful and purposeful to your employees.

Intrinsic motivation is a perpetual-motion machine. Empowered employees motivate themselves and need less oversight. In turn, they’re more likely to produce outstanding results. By embracing intrinsic motivation and encouraging initiative in your employees – a balance of responsibility and flexibility – you’ll teach them to light their own fire and create a positive feedback loop that breeds success.

Responsibility

Our first instinct as managers is to shield our employees from important decisions and the larger responsibilities of the job. Sometimes it’s a selfish desire to preserve our sense of importance and authority. Other times, it’s a sincere reflection of having context and skills unavailable to frontline employees. Regardless of the reason, it’s wise to be conscious of when you’re being paternalistic with your employees and perpetuating their ignorance of everything that goes into running the department. As often as you can, enroll your employees in the decisions that impact them. By giving your employees a stake in the decisions that matter to them, you naturally increase buy-in and their sense of ownership of their environment.

Depending on their tenure, expertise, and maturity, experiment with letting a group of employees get more involved in making larger decisions. This has the dual benefit of giving you a sounding board and helping your team to feel like they have the full context for why/how decisions are made. Rolling out a new software system in the department? Put an employee committee together to make recommendations on specific processes to focus on. Your department setting goals for the year? Use this same group to come up with new ideas and keep them informed on departmental milestones.

Give your employees as much say as you can. Stretch yourself to the edge of your comfort-level. Their voice should have weight and their decisions should stick, even (and especially) when you disagree. It’s important that they see that you’re serious about letting them make decisions about how the department is run. This has the subtle impact of shifting the burden of responsibility from you to them. Instead of blaming you for everything, they’ll have to wrestle with their own role in departmental problems. The more empowered someone is, the more they have to take ownership of the outcomes.

Flexibility

Rules and structure are like clothing. If you force ill-fitting clothes on your employees, they’re likely to complain and unlikely to tolerate wearing them for long. But by allowing employees to tailor the clothes to their liking (while ensuring they remain fully dressed) everyone ends up happy.

Your employees will do their best work when working the way that best suits them. By giving them flexibility in their work environment, you show trust and confidence that they’re capable of some self-management. Give your employees room to tackle their work according to their skills, interests, and comfort. You’ll spend less time pushing your employees and more time nudging and redirecting, which will be far more rewarding for everyone.

Your employees want to take longer lunches? Fine. Your employees want to work from home occasionally? Fine. As long as the output of their work remains A+, you should give as much flexibility as you can. Your job isn’t to manage how the work gets done, it’s just to make sure that it does get done.

In order for you to continue to grow and evolve as a leader, you need to have the mental and emotional energy to work at the top of your abilities. By unlearning the command and control styles of management that perpetuated the 20th century, you’ll find that you’re preserving the best parts of your job while delegating the most frustrating. The best leaders I know hate micromanaging or acting paternalistic with their employees because it takes them away from the work they’re best suited for. 

If we refuse to trust and empower our employees, they’ll repay us with equal levels of mistrust and wariness, slowly eroding departmental culture. Instead, by showing that we believe in their ability to self-govern and work within broader boundaries, we not only build their self-confidence and motivation, but foster increasing levels of loyalty and respect.

Good luck out there.

Whether we like it or not, every company is being put under a microscope on race and inclusiveness. Now is the time for leaders to show courage and empathy by engaging with your employees on this difficult topic. On this episode we explore this topic and challenge the assumption that it’s best to avoid all “controversial topics” in the workplace.

This week, I want to talk to you about employee coaching and why so many leaders fail to coach and grow their employees (you can read my blog on this topic here). As a bonus, I also discuss building relationships with your employee, and how that serves as the foundation for a coaching conversation.