In this expert episode, I sit down with Stewart Dalley, a lawyer at Dalley Sundar who specialises in queer family formation in Aotearoa New Zealand.

Stewart has both lived and professional experience in this space: he has three daughters of his own through surrogacy, and his work has shaped the legal landscape for queer families in ways many of us have benefited from without even knowing it. Stewart and his partner were the first same-sex de facto couple in the country to obtain joint adoption orders, and he successfully argued the case that two women can both be named as mothers on their children's birth certificates.

We talk about the history of how the law in Aotearoa has treated queer families and the pathways it has opened over time. We get into the detail of donor agreements: why you should absolutely have one if you're using a personal donor, but why you also need to be really intentional about what you include, because some aspects of those agreements can in fact be enforceable by a court. We discuss what's on the horizon with surrogacy law reform, the very real pitfalls of international surrogacy, and a question Stewart is seeing come up more and more in his practice: what happens to your frozen embryos if you and your partner separate?

There is a lot in this conversation. And after we hung up, Stewart said something that stayed with me: that yes, there are still hurdles and we do need to keep advocating and agitating, but we are also lucky that a pathway exists at all. That we can be the legally recognised parents of our children and have those children in the first place. When Stewart's first daughter was born, he and his partner only had guardianship orders. He was not the legally recognised parent of his own child. That reality and the distance we've travelled from it is worth holding onto.

I hope you come away from this episode feeling like legal advice in this space is more accessible than you might think. It can start with a simple phone call. If you want to get in touch with Stewart to discuss your own situation, you can find him at Dalley Sundar Law: www.dslaw.nz

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend — it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. 

And if you have a family building story that you'd like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

In this episode of Proud Conception, I'm joined by Amy and Rochelle, a lesbian couple who have been together since 2006 and married since 2008, long before marriage equality. They are mums to Josh, now 12, and Alex, now 8.

We start in the present, with what it actually looks like to raise children in a queer whānau as their kids get older. Amy and Rochelle talk openly about how they present their family to the world, at school gates, on sports sidelines, and in the committees and institutions they've pushed to be more inclusive. They share how they've navigated questions from their boys about Pride parades, protesters, and why some people don't agree with families like theirs. And they reflect on what it means to model pride, advocacy and resilience for their children every single day.

We then go back to the beginning. Their path to parenthood involved serious fertility challenges, and multiple rounds of IVF, some of them publicly funded. It also involves a special start: Amy and Rochelle were essentially gifted a sperm donor by another lesbian couple who had finished growing their own family. That donor, and that family, have been part of their whānau ever since.

We talk about the deeply personal decision around who would carry their children and the grief that can accompany fertility making your hopes to carry impossible, and how both Amy and Rochelle cobreast-fed their boys, something they were navigating largely without a roadmap, twelve years ago.

Amy and Rochelle are warm, funny, and quietly formidable. This is a rich conversation for anyone in the thick of building their queer whānau, and just as much for those further along the journey wondering what lies ahead.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend — it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing.

And if you have a family building story that you'd like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

In this episode of Proud Conception, I’m joined by Rose, a mum of two who is parenting well beyond the early years, with one child in their mid-teens and another entering adolescence.

We go right back to the beginning of Rose and her wife’s journey to parenthood including the enormous and complex decision to come off mental health medication in order to try for a baby. Rose speaks openly about a period of hospitalisation, the destabilising impact that had on their family, and how they navigated that chapter together. We also talk about choosing a known donor and why openness mattered deeply to them from the outset. Rose reflects on how their relationship with their donor has naturally evolved over time, and how identity and whakapapa interweave in their whānau’s story.

A significant part of this conversation focuses on parenting older children in a queer family. We discuss school environments, navigating questions from peers, supporting donor-conceived children as they form their identities, and what it actually looks like when the early intensity of conception and birth gives way to the long, steady work of raising young people.

What I loved most about this kōrero is Rose’s grounded optimism. She offers reassurance that while every family navigates hardship, being queer or donor-conceived has not been a defining struggle in their story. Instead, she speaks about the gift of growing up in a queer whānau; the gift of learning to think expansively about family, difference, empathy and belonging.

Rose and her whānau have chosen to use pseudonyms in this episode to protect their privacy.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

Today we are joined by Kate Zame and we’re getting into the nitty gritty of traditional surrogacy—not just what it is and how it differs from gestational surrogacy, but what it actually looks like when you’re living it.

Kate and her wife Kelly have their own beautiful rainbow path to parenthood but this episode is about the couple’s most recent experience with Kelly being a surrogate for a queer couple.

I chat with Kate about why traditional surrogacy felt like the right fit for this whanau and how they navigated all of the necessary conversations from matching up with the couple that would end up being their intended parents, talking about the biological connection, the whakapapa, that their families would share, and navigating the network of providers that helped bring this fruition, including incredible counselors, midwifes, and a boss and the interesting engagements with Oranga Tamariki. We get into the legal realities of traditional surrogacy and the emotional weight of the process.

And because of my Kate’s unique position, as the wife of a surrogate, you’ll hear her reflect on what it means to support someone through surrogacy, whether as a partner or as an intended parent. So if there are any intended parents, or “IPs”, out there, I know you’ll get a lot out of this episode.

Kate busts down myths and taboos around traditional surrogacy and shows exactly how arrangements like this have been happening for decades and decades because they can be ethical, respectful and safe ways for families to grow and flourish. 

Resources:

• Kate Zame on Instagram @katezameslt come for the speech and language therapy and queer parenting, stay for the good vibes. 

• Why Do You Parent Like That with Abbey Harrison and her conversation with Kate, covering more of her own family’s personal journey.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing.

And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

In this episode of Proud Conception, I’m joined by Claire, someone who has become one of my closest friends and a huge part of the reason this podcast exists at all!

Claire shares the story of how she and her wife Marissa moved in and out of the idea of parenthood over time: joining the fertility clinic waitlist early, travelling overseas, deciding not to have children when they reached the top of the list, and eventually coming back to the decision with clarity and commitment. It’s a journey that will feel familiar to many queer people, particularly those for whom parenthood hasn’t always felt like a given.

We talk through their experience using clinic donor sperm and IUI, including the realities of long waitlists, donor selection, sperm allocation, billing frustrations, and the emotional weight of navigating a system that doesn’t always recognise queer couples as a single family unit. Claire also reflects thoughtfully on choosing a donor of a different ethnicity to herself, and the responsibility she and Marissa feel in supporting their children to understand and connect with that part of their identity over time.

A significant part of this conversation focuses on co-feeding, including Marissa’s decision to induce lactation as the non-birthing parent, the medical and physical process involved, and what it meant for their partnership and early parenting experience. Claire speaks with real tenderness about the teamwork, sacrifice, and intention that shaped those early months, and the role affirming providers played in making co-feeding possible.

Resources:

• Dr. Heather Johnston of @cradlednz

• Empwr: Rainbow-inclusive antenatal classes which provide affirming and supportive pregnancy education. empwrbirth.com.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected]. 

In our third expert episode, we sit down with Andy Leggat, a health psychologist at Fertility Associates, for a focused conversation about counselling for LGBTQ+ people using donated sperm, eggs, embryos or surrogacy via a fertility clinic to grow their families.

We talk about what counselling is actually for in a fertility clinic context and why Andy prefers the term implications counselling when describing the work she does with the people who walk through her door. We unpack some of the ethical, psychological, legal, and relational considerations that sit beneath donor conception and surrogacy and how to center the long-term wellbeing of donor-conceived children throughout. 

Andy speaks about the responsibilities that sit with parents, including how and when to talk to children about their conception, and shares practical, child-centred guidance such as a simple but powerful framework: early, often and open. 

This conversation deeply resonated with me as a parent of donor-conceived children and I think there something in here for a range of listeners: people beginning their queer family building journey, queer folks who might be a bit resistant to counselling during their conception journey and queer parents exploring how to talk with their children about their origin story. 

Resources:

• You can learn more about Andy and her practice at https://www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/team/andy-leggat 

• The draft paper from ESHRE mentioned by Andy around the proposal to set international limits for children conceived by individual donors can be found here: https://www.eshre.eu/Europe/Position-statements/Stakeholder-review 

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected]. 

This week on Proud Conception, we meet John, who alongside his husband Nick, embarked on a journey to fatherhood that required immense tenacity and resilience. After ruling out adoption and international options, their path took a beautiful turn when John’s sister offered to be their egg donor. With Nick providing the sperm, their son Emerson would share a biological connection to both sides of the whānau.

They worked through the search of finding a gestational surrogate and had a few false starts with the embryo transfer, but it finally all seemed to align with a positive pregnancy. Then at 20 weeks, their world shifted when at a routine scan they discovered their son had a congenital heart defect. John details the daunting reality of preparing for multiple heart surgeries for a newborn while navigating the legal complexities of New Zealand surrogacy arrangements, where, as intended parents, they technically had no legal rights to make decisions around their son’s care and treatment until parenting orders were in place post-birth. 

In recounting this journey, John shares his perspective of being gay dads in a hospital system designed primarily for birthing mothers but also highlights the incredible individual allies they found in nurses, surgeons, and their lawyer. He also shares some of the people and groups whose support guided him and Nick. 

This is a story of fierce advocacy and the profound love that carried this whānau through. This is a longer episode and it deserves to be. It’s the extraordinary origin story of a beautiful young boy wrapped up in some pretty remarkable love.

Resources:

• Imperfect Parents: The parenting group John mentions that provided a supportive space for their whānau. Super inclusive of different family types and run by the incredible Sophie Moskowitz. https://www.imperfectparents.co.nz/

• Stewart Dalley: The legal support John and Nick used for their surrogacy and adoption process. Stewart is a lawyer who specialises in surrogacy and has three children of his own by surrogacy. https://www.dslaw.nz/familyformation/ 

• Empwr: Rainbow-inclusive antenatal classes which provide affirming and supportive pregnancy education. empwrbirth.com. 

• The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will be Glad that You Did) by Philippa Perry. 

  
  

Thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. And if you have a family-building story you’d like to share, please get in touch via Instagram or email [email protected].

This week on Proud Conception, we hear from Emily, an egg donor who felt called to action after stumbling across a Facebook post from a queer couple hoping to become parents. What began as a moment of curiosity quickly grew into a heartfelt commitment to support another whānau’s dream of having a child.

In this kōrero, Emily shares the full arc of her donation journey: how she connected with the intended parents, the counselling process she and her husband worked through, the boundaries they discussed as a family, and what the medical side of egg retrieval was actually like. She also reflects on how she thinks about her connection to any potential child born from her donation, and how she’s choosing to stay open to whatever emotions might arise in the future.

At the time of our conversation, Emily’s eggs had been successfully retrieved and fertilised, and the intended parents now have embryos waiting on ice, ready for the right moment for their gestational surrogate to begin her own process. Emily speaks with deep emotion about imagining them one day holding their baby, just as she’s held her own children.

This is an honest and grounded look into what egg donation can mean, not just medically, but emotionally and relationally. Emily’s story highlights the immense generosity behind gamete donation and offers valuable insights for anyone considering taking this path.

Apologies for a bit of feedback on the sound quality on this episode! I’m still working on my tech skills 🙂

Thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. And if you have a family-building story you’d like to share, please get in touch via Instagram or email [email protected].

This week on Proud Conception, we meet Olivia, wife to Karen and mama to four-year-old Rafael. Their path to parenthood took many turns: from working with Oranga Tamariki to potentially care for a relative’s child, to trying at-home inseminations with a personal sperm donor, and finally to conceiving Rafael through IUI with an unknown clinic donor.

Olivia shares candidly about the heartbreaks and lessons along the way including the generosity of a friend who offered to be their donor, the grief when that plan changed, and the long wait on the donor list that ultimately led them to matching with a Filipino donor who beautifully reflected Karen’s heritage. Together, they’ve built a family culture that honours both their backgrounds and shared traditions into everyday life.

We also talk about navigating fertility clinic systems, the quirks of counselling requirements, inclusive midwifery care, and finding representation in children’s books (including one very special Canadian connection that felt meant to be). Olivia’s story is warm, grounded, and full of wisdom for those just starting their own journey to queer parenthood.

Resources:

• You Came from My Heart by Brenlee Coates and illustrated by Roberta Landreth https://www.youcamefrommyheart.com/ 

• Inclusion through Difference, a nationwide survey of Rainbow Families in Aotearoa: https://vuw.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7OPvyWEj8lLTSrc 

Thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation  with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod.

If you have a family-building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch via Instagram or email [email protected].

This week, I’m thrilled to share our second expert episode with the incredible Dr. Olivia Stuart of Fertility Associates.

Olivia is a gynaecologist, obstetrician, and fertility subspecialist meaning she can walk alongside individuals and couples from their initial fertility consultations through to the birth of their pēpi. Olivia came highly recommended by so many of you in the rainbow parenting community, and it’s easy to see why. She’s a compassionate, highly skilled, thoughtful healthcare provider and I was genuinely so chuffed that she agreed to come on to the podcast. 

With so much ground to cover, it was tricky to figure out where to even start this conversation with Olivia! So what we’ve recorded is a bit of a primer; a 101 on family building options using a fertility clinic. Olivia talks through common terms and procedures like IUI, IVF and ICSI, and discusses things like attrition during the IVF and ICSI processes and what sort of factors might lead her to advise one procedure over another. We then talked about how gamete donation - so sperm and egg donation - at the clinic works and what factors are at play in that matching process. 

Now, a confession and an apology! Olivia and I talked for nearly an hour but as we got to the last question, my technology failed me, and I sadly lost part of our recording (devastating!). I’m so sorry! If you were under any illusion that this is a well-oiled, commercial machine, I’m sure that is now well and truly shattered. Despite losing the last few minutes, the 43ish minutes I did capture with Olivia are gold. So please enjoy this intimate conversation with a respected fertility expert who works a lot with queer couples from our community.

If you enjoy this chat and want more expert conversations like it, please let me know via Instagram or email at [email protected]. Your feedback helps me show guests why these conversations matter and there was so much to cover with Olivia that I would love to have her back (with better tech!) and input from you could help make that happen. So please, get in touch with feedback and requests for additional topics. 

You can learn more about Olivia and her practice at www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/team/dr-olivia-stuart 

And as always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].