Racism! Flooding! Corruption! Shopping! It's Punditocracy's Actual News, and it's doing its best to make a mockery of the most depressing news stories of our day. Join President Bush, Kanye West and Mark Mangino for another coarsening of our national discourse! Did we mention shopping?

Presented by the Missouri Tourism Board (formerly the Grand Council of Aryan Confederacy)

"Howdy, stranger! Lovely day for a constitutional, wouldn't you agree? Say, where 'ya headed? What's that? Someplace with art, culture and a diversified gene pool? Well, you've obviously never been to Missouri, partner. Yes, Missouri...we're the 18th largest state, our official tree is the flowering dogwood, and we haven't had a typhus outbreak in over three weeks. And you can take that to the Jew run bank!"

Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, and Pickles want to melt your face off. For that is what Dethklok, the metalest of all metal bands they form, was born from the fiery pits to do. Their debut album, "The Dethalbum," was the highest charting death metal album in Billboard history. That's it.

But wait, there's more: their DVD's are consistently best sellers, and their current tour, including a stop here in Lawrence, has sold out across the country. They're also a cartoon. Dethklok is the fictional band around which the Adult Swim animated series "Metalocalypse" revolves, and they're now eager to violently penetrate your ear-holes in person.

The show was created by Brendon Small, formerly of Adult Swim's "Home Movies," who writes and performs virtually all of the groin-gouging music for "Metalocalypse." He's decided to take Dethklok out on the road for a multimedia assault, and while it may be damn funny, it's no joke. There's going to be an honest to Odin band, fronted by Small, performing live under footage of Dethklok as they disembowel this or that.

Brendon Small was kind enough the step into our animated podcast studio the day before Dethklok was set to annihilate senses at KU.

News! With sounds! What will those magicians on the web-tubes think of next!?!? KU football, city hall corruption, and Paris Hilton doing things with elephants are but some of the hubbub from this week's Actual News. It's Punditocracy's podcast palaver of the past week!

UPDATE: According to Paris Hilton's publicist, the story in this week's Actual News regarding Hilton's activism on behalf of drunken elephants--and the villagers they've killed in north east India--is a hoax.*..."Paris Hilton giving a crap about what happens to poor people in developing countries? This story was obviously concocted," said the publicist. "I mean, she couldn't find India on a map of India, let alone pronounce the north eastern states of 'Assam and Meghalaya.' Concerned about elephant welfare? The woman upholstered her stretch Hummer in elephant skin and bathes in liquefied tusk ivory every night. Once again, the media has irresponsibly portrayed Paris Hilton as a caring human being. For shame, media-for shame."

1. Olsen can use a Live Strong bracelet as a hula hoop

2. Armstrong enjoys saying "I'm gettin' my Tour de Freak on"

3. Olsen likes being with one of the few men alive who's been more doped than her

4. In a pinch, Armstrong can use Olsen as a replacement spoke in his bike wheel

5. Armstrong feels a sentimental connection with Olsen since she's the same age as his testicle was when it died

6. In a fit of spite, Cheryl Crow is now dating adorable "Jerry Maguire" wunderkind, Jonathan Lipnicki

7. Armstrong is never quite sure if he's making out with Mary Kate or Ashley--and he really doesn't give a damn

8. Olsen's former "Full House" costar, Dave Coulier--when informed of the relationship--was heard uttering the phrase "sloppy seconds"

9. When bumpin' uglies, the loud washboard sounds--emitted by Armstrong and Olsen's bony rib cages grinding together--attracts jug bands from far and wide

10. Inspired by her new beau, Olsen is releasing a series of "Heave Strong" bracelets to celebrate her vigorous bulimia

11. Armstrong already has his sights set on Suri Cruise

12. Taking an inappropriately young and emaciated mistress is Armstrong's way of getting back into the good graces of the French people

13. Armstrong friend Matthew McConaughey, while really high, mistook Olsen for a chihuahua--but still hit on her anyway

14. Armstrong and Olsen enjoy sharing romantic dinners of IV bags filled with Red Bull and cocaine

15. Mary Kate Olsen "will not be ignored" and has inquired if Armstrong has any pet rabbits

16. When they first started dating, Olsen initially thought Armstrong was "that guy who did something on the moon or something"

17. Armstrong, for his part, initially thought Olsen was a flesh eating goblin brought about by steroid withdrawals

18. Adding to their long list of similar interests, Armstrong's Nike merchandise and Olsen's teen fashion line are made at the same Chinese sweat shop

19. Olsen can conveniently fit in the basket on Armstrong's handle bars

20. It makes for great Actual News fodder (along with Britney Spears, Pervez Musharraf, and the Writer's Guild strike)

Garth Brooks, the Boston Red Sox and flesh eating ghouls (other than Robert Novak) round out the round up of this week's Actual News. Zombies gotta eat too, fool, so fatten up your brain with Punditocracy's knowledge nuggets!

It's our super spooky Halloween edition of Punditocracy's Actual News! Granted, it's mostly made spooky by the terrifying return of Phill Kline, but we also have chill inducing tid-bits on Stephen Colbert, Sam Brownback and homosexual warlocks. Stuff your gullet with candy corn and our caramel coated podcast!

What can be said about Robert Novak that hasn't already been said? He's a veteran Washington reporter that's established himself as the preeminent conservative opinion maker of the last fifty years. He's a nationally syndicated columnist, has been a prominent cable news commentator, helped define modern political discourse-oh, and he's the guy that outed undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame. He doesn't like to talk much about that, however. Even though he had no problem blabbing the classified identity of Plame in his column-passed along to him by Karl Rove as part of a coordinated effort to discredit her husband, Joseph Wilson, a vocal critic of the Bush Administration's Iraq policy-Novak is ironically tight lipped when it comes to discussing the matter today. You can't really blame him, though, considering that he may have come very close to jail time during the resulting investigation into the Plame leak by US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald sent journalist Judith Miller to jail for contempt and convicted Dick Cheney hatchet man Scooter Libby of obstruction of justice, so Novak's probably still a bit squeamish about the whole thing. Aside from that inconsequential chapter of his life in which he was the catalyst for one of America's most infamous political scandals, Novak's life is an open book-a book called "Prince of Darkness: 50 Years of Reporting In Washington," which you can conveniently buy following Novak's lecture at the Dole Center of Politics. He'll even sign it for you! Just don't mention Valerie Plame-and for God's sake, whatever you do, don't bring up Jon Stewart. Robert Novak was kind enough to join lawrence.com over the phone and not discuss a lot of things.

Great Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple! Punditocracy's froth flinging fulmination format has returned from exile! Aaron and Gavon go pie-hole to pie-hole about who's going to get more shat upon by the Bush Administration: poor sick kids or Iran. We also slip in some references to Larry Craig, Fred Thompson's zombie campaign, and pre-mortem masturbation to make up for lost time. The punditry part of Punditocracy has returned! It's over an hour of commercial and decency free opinions that you didn't even realize you needed! It's a politics and culture resurrection...praise Brownback!

Obscure fat jokes collide with not so obscure fat jokes! Al Gore, KU football, NSA wiretapping and competitive alcoholism get the Actual News treatment. It's Punditocracy's pod-sized digestive of not so current events!