June 22, 2022

Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 8- What Pursuers Can Do

25 minutes

Episode 8: What Pursuers Can Do

First 5 minutes:

There is an order to growth. First, you have to be aware something is happening. Then you have to be able to recognize that you and your partner both ‘do’ things in the distress and identify what your trends are. After awareness around those things is present, you start to have an opportunity to slow the process down and adjust your moves. In these next 2 episodes we want to break down a pro-active move around supporting and comforting your partner in their distress. 2 things have to be present for this to work; 1. Your partner has to be able to let you in on what they need and 2. You have to be de-escalated enough that you can set your own immediate distress aside so you can comfort your partner.

Minutes 5-10:

Have you ever noticed that your partner’s move is actually making the situation worse? Angela noticed that Chad was doing something that increased her distress and in that moment realized that she does that to Chad often- make is worse not better. As Pursers, we often want to coach or fix or solve the problem of the withdrawer, but sadly, in the cycle, doing that only confirms their worst fear- that they are inadequate or don’t have the answers. Showing up for our Withdrawers actually means listening, validating and asking them what they need from us- instead of us offering what we think they need.

It is counterintuitive to not solve a problem that is presented. Pursuers have to be intentional about setting that urge aside and instead appreciate that our Withdrawers are letting us in to their process.

Minutes 10-15:

Often the ‘answer’ to the problem isn’t an answer at all- it’s being present that makes an impact. A withdrawer’s fears are around failure and getting in wrong, and because they didn’t have the right answer they will be rejected. So even if the Pursuer solves the immediate problem, what is also does is confirm the lack the withdrawer has for not having the answer and it will possibly cause them to withdrawer those inadequate feelings even more.

Pursuers do better if they come alongside their Withdrawers and still accept them and appreciate them while they are still in the process. Pursuers have to be aware of what happens for us when we feel helpless or feel like things are slipping into an ambiguous place. Withdrawers have to be willing to let their Pursuers be in this process also. These are new moves for BOTH sides.

Minutes 15-20:

All of this growth starts with awareness and at each new level, there needs to be a new awareness. Once you get to a place where you are de-escalated as an individual, and de-escalated as a pursuer, then, can you now start to consider what would comfort and support you in distress and then share that with your partner so they can consider what it would look like to provide it.

If Pursuers can show up like a teammate in their partner’s process and not like the coach, it will naturally shift the withdrawer’s guard and the probability they will let us come alongside them is higher. All of these responses happen fast and take practice and grace as we learn them.

Minutes 20-25:

Withdrawers might be hesitant to ask for help because of their experience of being criticized when they do. Our goal as a pursuer is to adjust what they have typically gotten and make it safe for them to not have all the answers. Asking for help for a withdrawer is almost like admitting failure, and they need to know that they are stilled loved and accepted in those places. Pursuers can work on acknowledge the effort instead of criticizing the behaviors.

Connect Point: Withdrawers, can you consider what your Pursuer can do to support or comfort you in your time of distress or in the not knowing? And Pursers, can you consider what it would look like to try and do what your partner is asking?

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

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