I wasn’t going to record an episode this week but here we are. Something came up and I just had to talk about it. I am sure you will understand why. You will hear me introduce myself myself as my Dungeons & Dragons-character Cassandra Lagrandia, Half-elf wild sorceress. Also, I got my nails done!

Happy rest of the season everyone!

This is about the feeling of seeing myself for the first time. It’s hard to explain to a cis person, but give it a listen and I hope it helps.

I also explain how I’ve been a dumb-dumb, writing my sonnets all wrong, but with a silver lining! And give you two sonnets this week, and this time they are in actual iambic pentameter.

The weight of hubris hit me hard today.So proud I’ve been of sonnets writ by me,They flow like rivers, brighten up my day,And to my mind the lines all perfect be.

So why then with this brilliant mind of mine,Could I have failed to spot a hole so dark?A glaring cavity in every line,Enpov’rished five where robber left his mark.

But why should four be wallowing in shame?Though, Venus shines with beauty, this be true,The test of time she stood and earned her name.Does she leave room for other virtues too?

Methinks that beauty’s heart be good and kind,To let her little sister also shine.

Ingalill’s sonnet, To the dead;Oh spirit with thy presence do me grace,Fulfill’d thy path has been from dust to dust,For kings and lords and beggars, all do faceThe very same fate as the rest of us.

But here among us still thy spirit be,Held back by sorrow, vengence or regret,Thy last breath drawn but still thee do not seeGod’s holy grace or devil’s fire yet.

The living in this room are asking forThy voice to reach across that dreaded line,So speak now friend, again, and live once more,The beating heart within this breast be thine.

Now to my flesh and blood I give thee lease,I beg, good soul, be gentle with it please.

How I learned to use my dysphoria to improve my acting and roleplaying and how you could potentially use the same ideas to bring new levels of life to your imaganitaion.

I introduce my new character from Vaesen, Ingalill Sifsdotter, whom I plan to start playing in early 2023. This week’s sonnet is by her.

Image of Ingalill was generated by an AI using pictures of me as well as my design in HeroForge as a base.

Sonnet for the dead:

Please with thy presence, do me grace. 

Thy path been walked from dust to dust, 

As kings and beggars, all do face, 

The same fate as the rest of us. 

Among us still thy spirit be, 

In sorrow, vengeance or regret, 

No beating heart, still cannot see, 

God’s grace or devil’s fire yet. 

The living here are asking for, 

Thy voice to cross that dreaded line. 

So speak now friend, and live once more, 

The heart within this breast be thine. 

Now to my flesh I give thee lease, 

Take care of it, I’m begging, please. 

I start with describing another encounter with everyday sexism, something that was, of course, expected but I still find my perspective interesting. For those who think sexism is a myth, trans people are a great resource since we tend to experience things more than one part of the gender spectrum.

I go on with talking about why playing young roleplaying characters is an interesting experience and well worth exploring. I talk about the first child character I created in a setting that did not require it. Lea, a 13 year old sorceress/cleric. Feel free to aks her a question!

Finally I answer a question posted to Alvhild, and since I had already written a sonnet about the moment Alvhild talks about, I let her read this week’s sonnet.

Venja and Alvhild. Art by gruetzi.

A castle strong, a cottage frail, 

No home we’ve had survived the war, 

In fear and sorrow we set sail, 

And find ourselves on fated shore. 

But what more hardships can I face? 

Unwanted by the queen of death, 

I woke in sister’s warm embrace, 

Renewed in spite of final breath. 

When edge of anguish doth arrive, 

What embers under river’s bed? 

What doubt and anguish can survive, 

When every tear I had’s been shed? 

Thee, wolf, that hunts and torments thus,  

Now it’s your turn to run from us. 

So here is that mini rant I promised you, about how Sweden has zero respect for the autonomy of our identites and has no interest in changing that, in spite of promises to the contrary. Following the rant, my 13 year old character Alvhild, my namesake that I introduced in Episode 2, the Magic of Names (I really do recommend listening to it if you haven’t, it is one of my favourite stories). A friend of mine asked her the question, what are your hopes and dreams? And yeah… there were some tears when I answered it. Enjoy!

Picture by Coffeejelly.

To the left: Alvhild. To the right: Joaquin (who I have yet to talk about)

A fantastic thing happened to me yesterday when I was picking up the new microphone I am reviewing for www.myogaming.se (a Swedish site). Listen to hear my euphoria! Someone asked a question to one of my characters, which she answers followed by a related poem!

Left to right: Septimer/Sapphire, glamour bard & Keyrith, artificer. Art by LunaJMS.

The tales that stood the test of timeAre nothing like this tale of mineIt all seemed simple, loud and clearA hero fights in spite of fearHe conquers villains, saves the dayIf odds be frightening, come what may

And then he climbs the tower tallTo save the maiden, win it allShe’d look into those eyes of hisbefore they share true love’s first kissA kiss that makes all else make senseAnd life’s strange twisty turns past tense

But after all my travels farTo reach that ending, reach the starThe heroes won, the villains slainThe happy ending should remainBut how could I prepare to seeThe damsell in distress was me

The answer like a lightning struckAnd left me asking, oh, what the f@ck?

This episode starts with a quick bit about me facing the world and its perception of me and then I go into introducing two of my characters in first person as an experiment to see if I sound different even when not really thinking about my voice from an outside perspective.

The characters are Sapphire and Elonine, whom I have spoken of before in this podcast. Sapphire, from one of the Dungeons & Dragons-campaigns I play, is the princess character who is inspired by queen Ozma of the books about Oz. Elonine is a barbarian witch from Symbaroum who, during that campaign came to terms with her own capabilities and grew confident enough to feel comfortable with her future responsibilities as a clan keeper.

And here is the sonnet:

A glimmer of hope 

My heart cannot begin to state, 

The depths of love I did not know, 

I thought I must accept my fate; 

The path I’ve walked since long ago. 

For joy and love could only yearn, 

Through mist of angst I could not see, 

Their kindness guided me to learn, 

The answer right in front of me. 

They all stepped up, and even though 

I held them all in high regard, 

I never thought that they’d bestow 

A wounded bird their earned reward. 

My heart cannot begin to state, 

A friendship bond, a love so great. 

In this episode I talk about being validated by negative things, such as lack of pockets in feminine clothing. I then go onto defending tragic backstories and the dreaded edgelord. Are they as bad as everyone says or is there more to it?

The meme in question:

The symabroum character Vidina:

Art by @jamscandraw.

And here is the day’s sonnet:

Little Brother Sleep, Sleep Thee Well

Thy slumber, sweet as it may seem, 

The answer hid by mist opaque, 

If thine eyes see within thine dream; 

Why thee would ever wish to wake. 

With purest heart and brightest grace, 

No being ever felt thy scorn, 

By thine reward I dub this place, 

An unfair, wicked bed of thornes! 

But this heart hath no grace to spend, 

Does this bitch even have a soul? 

I have no honour to defend, 

No stakes between me and my goal. 

As thine heart stays both pure and true, 

I’ll burn the fucking world for you! 

My experience in updating my name with the bank left me a bit annoyed. Still a good day but giver it a listen and I will explain what troubled me and how we can improve the situation. And my roleplaying hot take is one that has sparked many arguments but I will die on this hill! And yes I know the risk of dying is a tad higher with a nerfed healer, ha ha friggin ha.

I will not end this episode with a sonnet but with an inner monolgue done from the point of view of one of my characters. And as promised, here is the art from said campaign, wonderfully crafted by Daria Black Halo.

The grinning fellow In the top right corner is Mal-rogan (the BBEG), to his left is Faramar’s familiar Vistra, below her is Faramar. To Faramar’s right is Kerberon and to his right Qenmar. Below Kerberon is Elonine (my character) and to my right we have Darnak. And last but not least, Revina.

A few corrections, the symbaroum campaign I speak of is called the Copper Crown, not the crown of thorns. I accidentally merged the name with the name of the next campaign. Ooops. Also, I said you heal everything on a short rest and I meant long rest. Even though you can heal on a long rest using hit dice, that is not what I meant to say.

I had a bit of a day, well, a couple of days. I need to vent a bit about transphobia so this is the most unscipted I have ever been. There are good things too obviously and of course I am still ending with some poetry! Thank you all for listening!

Today’s sonnets:

1

Outside my window staring in 

Unhindered by the cold and rain 

You’re waiting for it to begin 

Unending feast of fear and pain 

Been right behind me all my life 

Your shadows breathing down my neck 

Yoúr seething hatred forms a knife 

To lure me t’ward a flaming wreck 

So sick and tired of that shit 

Why should I cower in the dark 

I’ll tear the wall down bit by bit 

Watch me reject your shameful mark 

You wave the flag of genocide 

But I refuse to run and hide 

2

You had me going for some time 

You made me doubt my very soul 

My mere existence was a crime 

I hate you for the years you stole 

I see you now in all your “might” 

I see you cling to times of old 

You thought you’d never have to fight 

If you could keep us in the cold 

I’m not a fool I know you will 

Keep hitting us with all you’ve got 

You’ll keep attacking us until 

All you’ve got left to do is rot 

It might be painful now and then 

But I refuse to hide again