IN A WORLD WITHOUT SCRIPT EDITING, Roseanne finally settles on knee surgery, the basement floods, and Darlene meets Art Alexakis in a casino. SJ and Debbie talk about how this season could have been improved, and their hopes for next season.

Crystal finally gets mourning her husband Sonny out of her system, and Darlene gets nicotine into hers. SJ reminiscences about how D.A.R.E. made her say “yes” to drugs, and Debbie bazooka-barfs the last thing you’d want to. SJ and Debbie agree that everyone is suckily insensitive to sweet Crystal.

Dan and Roseanne's anniversary night leads to some unpleasant discoveries. Darlene takes a job as a lamp in a wax museum.

Roseanne demands another shot at a honeymoon and Jackie finds a compromise that both Dan and Roseanne can live with. SJ and Debbie talk good parenting, big pants/hair/shoes, and their paper routes.

Did you want a recap of Go Cubs? You’ve come to the wrong place. The writers emotionally manipulate us, Roseanne peers through a rake, and we hear the NPR-ian dog whistles embedded in the script. SJ demands to know where Armani is!! Debbie and SJ are out of their minds for various reasons and can’t really stay on topic. NO REFUNDS!

A rummage sale gets everyone horny/shove-y/throwing shit in an episode that feels like a pack of skits. Debbie and SJ don’t love the caveman attitudes on display from our leading men. Debbie cracks the case of “what is this plot ripped off from?” SJ talks about partying with the cocaine lesbian mafia as a teen.

Say buh-bye to Dwight after this Saturday. Don’t worry, someone else will come in to take his sexist place. Your Queens go waaay too deep on the logistics of the truck bet, who Bill Sadler looks like, and the terrible writing around our ladies and what they could afford at the mall in the 80s.

The Conners now have four generations under one roof and the center cannot hold. Meanwhile, Mark is delightful UNLESS you should be parenting him correctly, DARLENE. Debbie talks about the logistics of setting a table scene for filming, SJ marvels over fashion basics, and are marzipan villages even actually a thing?? (NO.)

Dan has a birthday and a reckoning with a Bobo who lets him know he’s not a youngster anymore. Our Queens discuss street fisticuffs, the 1950s sitcom influences on the show, and how 14-year-olds don’t dress like Becky anymore.

Roseanne channels her inner drag king for Crystal the Doormat, and Jackie catches Booker being a total fuckboi. Queen Debbie and Queen SJ occupy themselves with overthinking the logistics of bringing elaborate gelatin desserts to work, real snow days and fake TV snow, and SJ revealing her stunning ignorance (again) about WHAT EVEN IS FOOTBALL YOU GUYS?