john

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are listening to the show in the traditional position. You're in an Adirondack chair, you're naked, and a lover has placed a napkin over your genitals so they don't get sunburned, and you're having a nice cool drink, perhaps a Sierra Mist, or if you're in Canada, an Orange Crush splash of soda water to cut. The sugary soda of the Orange Crush. That, by the way, quality fucking camping drink. Just a splash, Orange Crush, in your soda water. Woo-woo!

No one talks about using soda in the way that you would use liquor with a different mixer. In fact, that's the only time that that's good. Any of the other drinks I was just imagining, I threw, oh, let's put some Pepsi in this fucking lemon Sierra Miss. That's a really bad red wine mixed 50 with Coca Cola, which I was shown by some Russian guys in the basement of a hostel in London in 2011 while watching the Super Bowl.

That's top notch stuff, holy shit. Like it's rot gut, like be prepared to your, like internal organs are angry at you. You didn't know that your kidneys could have emotions. I'll tell you who else has emotions. Our producer Paul, who's upset that no one has asked him to give me a question, but now we're gonna do it. All right, Paul. Hi.

Producer Paul

Oh John, what's the weirdest thing you've ever overheard in a conversation?

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john

Once again, we ride in the ether in between the stardust having espressas. Quick note, the Space Jam movie with LeBron James came out like a year or two ago. Bugs Bunny is fine. Let's see if I can forget other important moments in culture by answering our next question. Paul? Paul.

Producer Paul

John, what's the worst joke you've ever heard and can you share it with us?

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john (00:10.51)

Once again, you're sipping on a glass of port or maybe a different type of aperitif. You've finished a fine meal of suckling ham, side of chicken, still proud to say keto. I, of course, am John Hastings. We're gonna answer a question. A question will be read out by producer Paul. Producer Paul will read out that question now, I think.

Producer Paul (00:36.085)

John, if you could be a cartoon character for a day, who would you be and what mischief would you get into?

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john

I mean, but what are you trying to find out? Hi everyone, welcome to Questions with John Hastings. I'm of course, questions, just kidding, John Hastings. What is our question for today, Paul?

Producer Paul

Well John, our question for today is, if you could have any animal as a pet, mythical or not, what would you choose and why?

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john

I keep wondering what question that guy is trying to have answered by screaming, we'll never know. Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a Gatorade, you've got questions, it must be questions with John Hastings, I'm of course on Hastings! We come at you once again. I'm doing the Ember Fringe Festival right now, please buy tickets to that. And let's fire up the old question mark, the Riddler machine, the Frank Gorshin. Frank Gorshin by the way, is the original Riddler, he played Riddler in the 1967 Batman.

and was very thin and later I was told by a dishwasher in London, Ontario, smoked crack. But that guy then proceeded to tell me like eight different people smoked crack. So I'm starting to believe that I think that guy smoked crack.

on a real Gatorade tip. All right, Paul, let's get today's questiones. Questiones? Hi, Paul.

Producer Paul

Hi John. What's the silliest thing you believed as a child?

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john

Why are you trying to find out, guy who yells will never know. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to Questions with John Hastings, the podcast version of that weird television program that was on at 11 o'clock on Saturday evenings that you would watch as a teenager because occasionally it showed French films, which of course had breasts in them. We of course answer a question. A question is asked.

by our producer, Paul. What's our question today? Oh.

Producer Paul

Hello John, our question today is, if you were a professional wrestler, what would your stage name be and what would be your signature move?

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john

Hello, hello, and oh, hello. Sing that last one to a short continental European man who's just arrived into a train car. We, of course, are not on a train car. We are on a podcast, and that podcast is all about answering questions. We're gonna get a question now. From producer Paul, producer Paul, what's the question? Hello, Paul.

Producer Paul

Hello John.

If you had a time machine, which historical event would you go back to and why?

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john

Come one, come all. Do when the internet sits down and has a coffee mid-afternoon. Oh, is it a Spanish coffee? No, Albanian, which means you just put a bunch of smuggled drugs in your coffee. That's a fun joke to the fact that the Albanians are the one who are currently running most drugs into Europe. And I find that, I just like it.

The word Albania when it comes to something sketchy just sounds, who did this? The Albanians. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's the same thing as Estonians. Who's responsible for all this fire? The Estonians, that makes sense. But if you heard anything was happening with Greenland, you would not believe it. Who smuggled all this heroin? The Greenlands. No, they didn't. They were too busy having a snowball fight and being four people and a puffin. But I am not a puffin. I am a man who answers questions and we will be answering a question right now provided to us.

Producer Paul producer Paul Hi, Paul

Producer Paul (01:08.34)

Hi John.

If you could create a brand new flavour of ice cream, what would it taste like?

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john

Yes, you will never know what the fuck he was talking about, but you will know the answer to one of our questions here. I had questions with John Hastings. I am, of course, John Hastings. And how do we get the questions? Well, we asked producer Paul, what is our question for today? So let's do that now. Producer Paul. Hi, Paul.

Producer Paul

Hi John. John, what's the most bizarre dream you've ever had?

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john

We will never know until we ask the question, which is why we're here, ladies and gentlemen. I, of course, am John Hastings and here is Questions with John Hastings. We will be taking one question from producer Paul. Let us not be like a Mark Maron and ramble on with the intro. Let's get right into the meat. Let's head on over. Paul, what is our question for today?

Producer Paul

Hi John, well today's question is, if you were a piece of furniture, what would you be and how would people use you?

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