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Racer X
Miles gets jealous as Bob describes a freebie that he did not share.
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Miles gets jealous as Bob describes a freebie that he did not share.
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Who knows what they’re getting down on? They’re getting down on life. What do you think about that? Get down on it. Get down on it. Bye. get down on it this is miles you know what this platform needs? What? Captioning. I want to see my words around the bottom of the screen yeah you say, If it’s on the bottom of the screen, you say. Get down on it. Down on it. There you go. Yeah. Everybody’s tired tonight, Miles. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s the beginning of summertime. In the summertime when the weather is hot. Can we trot up and touch the sky when the weather is hot? Who sang that? Mongo Jerry. Mongo Jerry. Ah, my goodness. Yeah, so doing summertime activities. How about yourself? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Oh, really? What did you do? Summertime activity. Mowed the grass? I stayed inside pretty much, and then I mowed the grass, yeah. You’re supposed to be the sweaty, fat neighbor. Oh, I am. I am. Okay, well, that’s good. Wish granted. Wish granted, yeah.
Yeah, where the camera pans over and you’re, you know, the lawnmower’s smoking and then you’re waving at the camera. Yeah, that’s me. Yeah, you’re sweating profusely. You got like an old kitchen dish towel around your neck. Around my waist. Then that would be like what? A couple of different dozen towels? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so. What’s weird is the neighbor’s constantly gardening. I’ll wake up at 6 to let the dogs out. I’ll look over. He’s out there. I’m like, Jesus. Really? Maybe he lives out there now. Maybe that’s where he is. I think his wife has banished him out to the garden. I know. He’s just constantly out there. Make some food for us. Does he ever give you any tomatoes or anything? He used to give me egg rolls. You don’t garden egg rolls, I don’t think.
Thank you. do you pull them when they’re ready just kind of dig them up okay are you sure you’re not thinking of eggplant no he’s no this guy used to make egg rolls man do you think now that eggplant, since it’s a symbol for penis and texting that whenever people give other people an eggplant, they think it’s rude. I hope so, because my wife just bought her best friend an eggplant ceramic thing. Like when you’re cooking, you put your spoon somewhere to rest it. So it’s like a big penis spoon holder? Yeah. Oh, how interesting. Her friend loves penis. Well, I think that’s true. I was just wondering, yeah, if you’re just like, oh, I had some extra eggplants. You pervert. You know how you like eating free grapes in the supermarket? Well, that’s how she is with – Eggplants? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Get down on it. I was given an opportunity this weekend, and it was – all I can say is this opportunity was a total Miles title opportunity that I took full advantage of.
You know, you sent me some vague pictures. I go, that son of a bitch. That son of a bitch got some nice freebie somewhere, and he’s going to rub it in my face. I think it was… Personally, it’s one of the nicer freebies that I’ve ever gotten. So I get… Because of the field that I am in, sometimes I am offered free tickets to things and free this and free that. And I just… I usually say no. I say no thanks. That’s okay. But this time I was offered something and it intrigued me. And so I’m like, well, wait a minute. The musical Stomp. That’s right. I got free tickets to Stomp. Yeah, right? It was Sesame Street Live, and I dressed up as Elmo. I cosplayed Elmo. Tickle me. That’s right. Tickle me, children.
No, no, no. So they offered up tickets to go to the racetrack here in St. Louis, right? There’s a big racetrack here in St. Louis. There is? Yeah. I think it does NASCAR and IndyCar racing, right? So this is not like the low-end mini sprint midget things or whatever they used to do. This is like real racing. Is it right in the city, though, or is it like out in the suburbs somewhere? Well, I was almost going to be flippant and say it’s just like the bears out in the middle of nowhere. Oh, you son of a bear. Yes, it’s on the east side in the middle of nowhere. But I’ve always been curious. Not that I’m a racing person. I’m definitely not. This is definitely not one of the things that I would –
pay money for, but I’m certainly going to take full advantage because number one, they not only offered me tickets, they offered me the box suite tickets where you go in the air conditioning and have free drinks and food. You’re a freaking jerk. And free VIP parking. Oh, you don’t deserve this. You don’t even deserve it. I asked my friend, Hefe, I said, Hefe, do you want to go to the races with me? Not Dr. J, right? No, no, Dr. J. No, Dr. J. This is my friend, Hefe. I’ve known him most of my life. And I said, I go, I got these box seats to the – these box tickets to the races. And I go, I’m probably going to have to talk to somebody, but –
I mean, if this is the time you want to go see the races, this would be the time, right? And Jefe goes, I’ve never been. I’ll take you up on your freebie, my friend, right? Yeah, you know who also hasn’t been? Me. Yeah, me. Well, live a little closer, maybe. Jefe just lived real close. Yeah, I know. I’d get screwed again. Thanks. Yeah. Wait a minute. Should I go into the fact that Saturday I was going to meet you somewhere and you ditched me? For all those years, you bitched about me screwing you out of those Star Trek movie tickets. That’s true. The first remake of Star Trek, yes. Go ahead. I’m sorry. Go ahead. So you and Faye get up this beautiful freebie. Well, you wouldn’t meet me in the middle of nowhere…
play pinball or something. So I figured there’s no way he’s going to come down here all the way down here to go to the race thing. Yeah, that’s true. So I’m like, all right, Jefe, come over and then we’ll run down to the racetrack. And so we did. So he’s like, yeah, I’ll be your date. And I’m like, what? After all these years, the truth comes out? Yeah. By the way, we used to be roommates for a while. You are very woman-like. Girl. So me and Jefe buzz down to the racetrack. Of course, I have no idea what I’m doing, which is the norm. And I just keep holding up my VIP parking pass to all of the orange-vested idiots that are along the route. And they’re waving me forward, right? Yeah. Yeah.
and i’m like, are we going the right way? because I mean, there’s just, it’s just, the races are total fucking chaos. It is total chaos with very minute, uh, times where everything seems to just snap together and work. You know what i mean? There’s people just going in every direction. There’s children running around in their underwear and dogs barking and jumping and And there’s like 100 people in safety vests that just seem to be standing in random places. They’re all my cousins. Yeah, they all look like they all asked me if I was related. Yeah. So we go and I’m like holding up my I printed everything out because I’m totally anal and don’t want to try to use the phone to have them scan it and everything. So I’ve got my, my, not only my VIP, I got my gold VIP parking pass is what it said. Yeah. So I’m holding it up and they’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whatever idiot. Just keep going. Right. And then we, we get into the, we’re right next to the racetrack, you know, and we pull into where they tell me to pull into and,
I’m like, wow, we’re really… I mean, right there’s the racetrack, right? Right. And then they have me drive and drive and drive and drive and drive. And the VIP parking is about a 15-minute fucking walk. Oh, not here. Not here. Keep going. No, no. Keep going. Keep waving me. I’m like, this is not fucking VIP. You’re out in the county. Keep going. And Jefe is like, there better be some fucking drinks. That’s all I’m telling you. I didn’t bring any money. He said it was all inclusive. So we park way the fuck down this lane. I don’t even know. It’s like there’s corn. I don’t know what’s going on. So we have to walk all the way back to get to the line. And you get searched.
at the racetrack nowadays, which, you know, I haven’t been to the races ever, but I was thinking it would be a lot more lax because, you know, where we live, where I live here and where you live mostly in the Midwest, people just have guns. They just carry them around. You know what I mean? This is not unusual. Yeah. To have people with a gun on their hip or, you know, in their car or in the back of their truck or, I mean, my father-in-law for one was always had like four or five guns within arm’s reach. And he shot himself accidentally. Yeah, he shot himself once, but that’s beside the point. Accidentally. It was accidentally, yes. And so they were a little bit more security-minded than I figured, but they didn’t have you walk through the gate. They just had guys with wands. It was like a porno or something. They just wanded you, suggestively. Yeah.
Where were they sticking the wands at? Come up between your legs, you know, stand, spread your legs and put your arms out. And they just like rub it all around you. It was, I’m like, these are, I think these are all volunteers from the defender area. But anyway, I had to have all my, take everything out of your pockets, folks, and stick your arms out. And then they, whoo. you know, and of course they had the bag checkers, which thankfully we did not bring bags because we traveled light. You know, we were like yeah it’s all inclusive, right? We got everything. So we didn’t bring nothing with us. People had like got jugs, these giant jugs of water and stuff. Jugs of water you do they’re like pulling pulling coolers behind them. It’s like
I’m like, are we like on a jungle expedition? What the fuck is going on here? B-Y-O-W. Tents and, you know. Anyway, porta potties are dragging behind. Anyway, the Confederate flags. Yeah. So we go through the line and we get split up because, you know, we’re guys and we just kind of wander off. And we come out on the other side and I got a dot on my hand. He didn’t get a dot. He goes, well, what the hell? Am I supposed to have a dot? I’m like, I have no idea. I go, the guy just gave me a dot. He’s like, what the fuck, man? Yeah. So he’s thinking, I’m not going to get into the VIP lounge now because he didn’t get a dot or something. And so then we had to go ask everybody where we’re going because we have no idea. And of course, where they parked us at is the, you know, hell it’s, you know, the knobs end.
to where we’re supposed to be, but we have to truck it all the way down the length of the racetrack to get to the, uh, VIP suites. Right. They’re like, Oh no, you want to be all the way down there. And, uh, in turn one, by the way, that’s where we were. You’re in four. You need to be a turn one. I didn’t have a side-by-side waiting for you guys to be in VIPs and all this. One would think, right. Yeah. Well, unfortunately, they did, but we weren’t aware of that until we got down to the VIP section. We could have jumped on any one of these six-person golf cart things they had running around, but we didn’t know that because we hadn’t got down and got our little bracelets. We got bedazzled, so we finally get down to the suites, and
You know, they’re like, hey, stick your hand. Let’s see your ticket. Right. Scan your tickets and then arm out. And then they put two different little things on our wrists and clamped them on. Like we’re going to the, you know, county fair or something. You know, you can ride any of the yellow rides, you know. So then we’re in front of this big building. It’s like a four story building. This is the suites. Oh, wow. And I’m like, well, where’s we’re in four 18. Oh yeah. You’re all the way at the top over on that end. So I’m like, it’s hot as hell. Let’s go and see if we can get something to drink. You didn’t bring your jug. No, I didn’t bring a jug. And so we make our way up to the fourth floor and into four 18 and there’s nobody in there. It’s just us. Yeah.
And there’s like a small spread, right? Like there’s a veggie tray and like a charcuterie. A schmear. A schmear, yeah. And some cookies and some chips and the whole thing. I’m like, wow, look at all this. And nobody in there. And then there’s a cooler full of Bud Light, Michelob Ultra stuff. Some kind of margarita drink in a can. Some kind of other wine cooler-y thing. I don’t know what it was. Some water and some other stuff. Appletinis. So Hefe hits the fridge pretty hard right out of the gate. He’s got like two McAltras and a plate of food at this point. And I’m looking around still trying to figure out what’s going on. And he’s like, look, they got chips. Anyway, so we sit down, and they had several races yesterday. And so we sit down and start watching the race. And then two of the other guys show up, and they look around, you know, and they get something to drink or whatever. And they’re like, hey, we’re going to go down to the pits. I’m like, what do you mean? He goes, yeah, we got pit passes.
that’s what the yellow thing means on your two bandanas. Oh, shit. I’m like, really? He’s like, yeah, we’re going down to the pits. And I go, well, we were like hot and sweaty we’re like we’re gonna wait a few minutes, then we’re gonna head down there so so then we, you know, eat some stuff and drink some stuff. And jefe’s got about, you know, three or four beers in at this point. And So we decide we’re going to go down to the pits. Yeah. Right. We walked back downstairs and they have like a stand with a gaggle of, of, uh, I mean, if this gig were to pay better, this was a gig for you. They sit with an umbrella and then just tell people where to go. That’s our whole job. So we come down and the guy’s like, he’s like, well, I go, I told we, I’m told we can go to the pits. And he goes, yeah, you guys got pit passes. He goes, yeah,
He goes, it’s all the way down by turn four. Oh, Jesus. But he goes, well, wait, if you just want to stand here, the golf carts are coming by. And so this is the golf cart we missed at the beginning, right? Yeah, yeah. And so this dude comes flying up on this golf cart. Everything’s rocks. That’s the other thing that was weird. It’s like there’s no pavement, Harley. There’s fucking rocks everywhere. Really? I wore sandals, and I’m getting rocks across my sandals. i’m getting rocks in my car. So we hop in this golf cart and the dude’s like, where you guys going we want to go down to the pits. He’s like, hang on. I’m for timer. That’s right. He just takes off like a fucking shot. Jeff Gordon. Yeah. And we’re going behind all of the vendors that we walk through, like all of the, you know, fried snicker bars and all that kind of stuff oh yeah me you know
You know, going all over all the cables. And so then he takes us down and he dumps us off right… We go under the racetrack, by the way. That’s what you have to do. I didn’t know that either. I’m like, how are we going to get to the pits? Because there’s a fucking race going on. Anyway, we go under the racetrack. That’s the hard part. Got to be quick. Pepe, come on. So we go under the racetrack. And he drops us off right there at the end of the pits. I mean, it’s like all fucking there. Wow. And you can walk. So you’re in the middle of the racetrack at this point. And there’s all these semis and people wearing coordinated uniforms and things. And it’s like, there’s AJ Foyt’s car.
He’s got a racing team. He’s dead, but he’s got a racing team still called. No, he’s still alive. Look at him. There’s Mario Andretti has got cars. These are all indie race cars. Yeah, right. They’re working on them and you can walk up. They have little, you know, those little seatbelt looking vinyl things that you can’t get past. But there’s all these people taking pictures and. I mean, it’s a fucking scene and a half, right? More importantly, we’re like hot chicks down there, more importantly. They were pretty much everywhere, yes. I mean, you take the good, you take the bad, my friend. There was a lot of really, really sweaty women that looked like you. Ooh, sexy. And then there was a lot of women who obviously were looking for a race car driver. So there’s a lot of Blairs and a lot of Natalies. Is that what you’re saying? A lot of Tooties and Natalies. I’m assuming a lot of Joes, but they were wearing baseball caps, so I didn’t know if they were what they were. Okay.
But it was wild because you just walk right up. These guys are working on these cars. Because there’s three races, there’s multiple things going on. So the guys who were working on their cars were for the later race. And then the other ones were racing. And it was crazy. And then they’re pulling cars, the extra car out of the trailer to come over to get work done. It was just like, I’m surprised that people didn’t get hurt really bad because these things were running backwards. And you were walking in the middle of all of it. It was just crazy. You know, it’s just, uh, and hot, uh, rocking a piss right in the middle of it. I’ll get to that. So, so we, we do a tool tour of the pit area. We see the dudes that we saw upstairs, uh,
And they were like little fanboys. They were from Mexico. So they’re like, we were waiting for the Mexican driver, and we were standing outside his trailer, but he never came out. Oh, wow. And I’m like, well, maybe you guys just need to hang out longer. I don’t know. So we go around, and we see everything there, and then we have to make our way back. And we finally get the hang of this VIP thing, because when we walk back out, there’s this lady with a golf cart, right? And she’s like, she’s, she sees our little wrist bandanas and she’s like, Hey guys, come on. And so we hop on and she takes us back down to the, uh, VIP section. Sure. And then, you know, we watched the rest of the race and, and so forth. The first race that we were, there were several races. We were there at the second race and there’s going to be another race, right? The big race. And, uh,
And then he’s like, oh, I’m going to have one of these margarita things. And I’m like, all right, you’re going to be okay. You got to drive home from mine. And so he’s like, this is pretty good. He’s like, he holds a can of 12.5% by volume. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah, really alcoholic. And so then I took a picture with a winner who happened to be named Miles with a Y. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah. So anyway, then they, we pillar and then they’re like, Hey, you guys go up on the roof yet. That’s what I said. I’m like, there’s more. And the building we were in, we were on the fourth floor. You could go all the way to the roof, which is the fifth floor. And they have a whole like big patio area up there. You take your drinks and,
And you go and watch the race from four stories up. No kidding. Yeah. It was by that time it was fairly nice. So we went up there and they had this whole big thing with every, I don’t know around here. How, I mean, if you wanted to commit a murder last night would have been a good time to do it. Yeah. Because there was like 50 fricking cop cars did a lap. Yeah. At this race from everywhere. My grandma’s dying. Where are the cops at? Where are they? No kidding. I’m serious. There was at least 50 or more cop cars. It was some salute to police officers or something. It’s like every cop within 100 miles came down here for a free day at the races and was doing a lap in their car. And then they all turned on their sirens and everything. It was a whole spectacle, right? And there was 12 motorcycle cops to boot. Yeah. Chips, you know.
So anyway, I’m almost done. I’m sorry. So we sit down for the big race, and the big race is called the Bomberito 500. Bomberito is a big car dealership down here in St. Louis. And so on the TV, because we’re sitting in air-conditioned comfort while the masses are sitting out there sweating their nuts off in the stands, because it was like 80-some degrees last night. And so John Vomarito’s on the TV. Welcome, everybody, to race day. You know? Biggest life. And I’m like, oh, look at that. And then, you know, let’s start the races. And then they start the races. And they get the cars going. And then I think it was the second lap or the third lap before they, you know, flew the green flag to get everybody racing. We’re sitting…
on the opposite side of the track from where all the people are, there must’ve been, I don’t know, 15 fucking fire bombs went off up into the air. It’s called the wall of fire. I found out this wall of fire happens and the shock wave pushed the building. We were in backwards. Oh shit. You could, the windows rattled. You could feel it on your chest. I felt the whole building go. Yeah. I was like, Holy fuck. What the hell? This thing’s going to collapse. We’re on the fourth floor. So all that happened. Meanwhile, Hefe is throwing back a few more. He stopped on the margarita stuff, but he picked back up on the ultra Michelob ultra. Yeah. It gets to be time. We’re like, okay, time to go. We’re heading out and we are heading out to go back to walk into the car. We get down there. Of course, everybody’s on the go-karts, right on the golf carts. He’s like, let’s just hoof it, man. I’m tired of waiting on these golf carts. We’re going to bolt to go just start walking. What does he do? He just about
Up ends John Bomarito, who is walking towards us. Oh, Jesus Christ. he steps out of line and john bomarito is walking up towards the air-conditioned area with his family, I guess. And he just about clocks him right out. Oh, Jesus Christ. i go f a that was john boberino he’s like, who’s that? He’s the guy who paid for this race. It’s vinnie boberino He’s like, I didn’t see him yeah no yeah it was him. It was, because i saw him on the big though i knew who it was. I recognized him and i’m like oh jesus going to be like some kind of incident here and i’m never going to get anything free again because my friend knocks out the uh sponsor of this multi-million dollar race i’d like to see you guys go to jail well there was 50 freaking cops there yeah i know no problem they would have beat the crap out of you the terrible thing is there was cops from where we both live were there so they could have even got us you know from our own areas so yeah right for real
So then we have to trump, you know, the 15 plus minutes to get back to the car. And then we’ve lost the car because this isn’t like Disneyland. They don’t really have any markers. Yeah. And it’s pitch black. And they’ve, all they have is like these, you know, spotlights from Hogan’s heroes. They’re blasting you in the face from the ground level to make some light in there. Yeah. It’s like, God damn it. And then we’re walking. I’m like, I don’t remember there being a pond here. by a pond so we’re wandering around in the dark trying to find this thing and of course jefe’s like oh god i gotta piss Yeah. And so I keep hitting my fob, right? Trying to make, I make my horn honk cause I’m locking my door. Right. And, um, finally we see it and he’s like, oh, I really gotta go. I really gotta go before we leave. I’m like, all right, man, we’re just in the middle of this parking lot. And so I thought he was going to pee next to my car. Cause he started like heading, like he was going to do that. Right.
And then he went down to this SUV, and he pisses all over the back of it. That’s John Bomarino’s car, man. He’s doing that where he’s standing there looking around like, has anybody seen me pissing? Yeah. Yeah, so he pissed out on some, I don’t know what it was. It was like some Mercury Mountaineer or something. Right on the car? Well, it seemed to be on the bumper, yes. Oh, gee. Christ, what the fuck? Towards the back tire. But I don’t know what he hit because I wasn’t paying that close attention. But I wasn’t staring the guy down while he was pissing on him out in the parking lot. And there’s people walking around. I mean… So anyway, we hopped in the car and that was the night, you know. So I’m tired. But we had a good time. I’m like, now I can never go back to the race, right? Because…
Not with this jackass, no. No, I mean, because I’ve had the VIP experience. I cannot go back down to being a regular husband. You can’t be a peasant, man. Yeah, well, they had sandwiches later, too. I forgot to mention that. But anyway, they had other food that came. But yeah, and Jefe, he pretty much drank my share of of any beverages that we had there. So how’d he get home though? I mean, wasn’t he too drunk to drive or apparently not. He made it. So I took him back, took him back home. I’m like, you’re going to be all right. Yeah. Yeah. How much Bob cares about people. Well, see you later. Yeah. And then he’s like, wait a minute. I got to pee in your yard. Anyway. No, he didn’t. I don’t know. I’m a rock and piss on you. Oh,
i said, I go like, I’m like, be careful. There’s all these deer around here. Yeah. So anyway, he was doing okay. He, he kind of stopped. He held back a little bit there toward the end of the night. So, and he ate, he ate a couple, three sandwiches, I think. But yeah, it was fun though. Um, in a weird way, not anything that i would really want to do mostly, but, uh, right. I mean, it was kind of like, you know, the state fair wrapped in a, you know. Yeah. But, well, I didn’t realize that you would be so interested, to be honest. I could have asked you. Oh, I wouldn’t. Yeah. But, you know, if I get offered again, maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see. You get a football game, I’ll go or something like sporting. We don’t have football anymore. They left, you know, so.
Well, if you have a sporting thing or something, I’d go see a blues game or something. There’s no way they’re going to give me blues tickets. Nobody like me gets any kind of good blues tickets as giveaways. I’ll tell you right now. Really? No, no. You really got to be… I mean, blues tickets in the freebie world down here are pretty high. You got to be pretty important. Okay. I’ve sat… When the Rams were here… I never really got free stuff. My wife used to get free stuff. We got in a box at the Rams game once. That was fun. I could never go back. We got in the box for Riverport, called Riverport at the time, for Blues Traveler concert. I could never go back there. Too good. Yeah. She got to go to the Blues game, but no spouses there.
Oh. Yeah. One time. And then I’ve gotten Cardinal tickets, you know, but whatever. Who wants to do that? If you get like a Cubs Cardinal one, I’d go. Again. See, they’re shooting for the moon here, my friend. There’s no way they’re giving away… I just don’t want some bullshit thing, you know, like the Home and Garden show or something. I don’t want that. That’s my speed. That’s what they’ll give me. Home and Garden. I’ll get, you know, women’s professionals. They’ll give me one of those. My sister used to win shit like this all the time on the radio. And she’s like, Miles, do you want to go to the Home and Garden? Like, fuck no. Why do I want to go to the Home and Garden show? You’re such a dick. I got only with the crop of freebies, please. You want to see Lipizzan Horses?
No. No, I get soccer tickets offered to me. I get arena football offered to me. Oh, do you get the Battle Hawks or whatever? Yeah, that’s the arena football team. Oh, I want to see the Battle Hawks. Well, if I get another one, I’ll ask you, okay? Come on, man. Don’t cheap out. I’ll ask you if I get tickets for that, I’ll ask you if you can go. I will go. I will go. I will go. But the thing about this one was I got parking too. That was the clincher for me. I’m like, I paid absolutely nothing to go to this thing last night. Well, good. You got a good buzz. You got to pee on a mountaineer. The world was perfect. Nice. So there you go. There you go. Myrv.
Miles, Mr. Freebie Battlehawk Bastard.
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Miles gets jealous as Bob describes a freebie that he did not share.
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Miles gets jealous as Bob describes a freebie that he did not share.
Racer X
Bad AI Transcript
Who knows what they’re getting down on? They’re getting down on life. What do you think about that? Get down on it. Get down on it. Bye. get down on it this is miles you know what this platform needs? What? Captioning. I want to see my words around the bottom of the screen yeah you say, If it’s on the bottom of the screen, you say. Get down on it. Down on it. There you go. Yeah. Everybody’s tired tonight, Miles. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s the beginning of summertime. In the summertime when the weather is hot. Can we trot up and touch the sky when the weather is hot? Who sang that? Mongo Jerry. Mongo Jerry. Ah, my goodness. Yeah, so doing summertime activities. How about yourself? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Oh, really? What did you do? Summertime activity. Mowed the grass? I stayed inside pretty much, and then I mowed the grass, yeah. You’re supposed to be the sweaty, fat neighbor. Oh, I am. I am. Okay, well, that’s good. Wish granted. Wish granted, yeah.
Yeah, where the camera pans over and you’re, you know, the lawnmower’s smoking and then you’re waving at the camera. Yeah, that’s me. Yeah, you’re sweating profusely. You got like an old kitchen dish towel around your neck. Around my waist. Then that would be like what? A couple of different dozen towels? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so. What’s weird is the neighbor’s constantly gardening. I’ll wake up at 6 to let the dogs out. I’ll look over. He’s out there. I’m like, Jesus. Really? Maybe he lives out there now. Maybe that’s where he is. I think his wife has banished him out to the garden. I know. He’s just constantly out there. Make some food for us. Does he ever give you any tomatoes or anything? He used to give me egg rolls. You don’t garden egg rolls, I don’t think.
Thank you. do you pull them when they’re ready just kind of dig them up okay are you sure you’re not thinking of eggplant no he’s no this guy used to make egg rolls man do you think now that eggplant, since it’s a symbol for penis and texting that whenever people give other people an eggplant, they think it’s rude. I hope so, because my wife just bought her best friend an eggplant ceramic thing. Like when you’re cooking, you put your spoon somewhere to rest it. So it’s like a big penis spoon holder? Yeah. Oh, how interesting. Her friend loves penis. Well, I think that’s true. I was just wondering, yeah, if you’re just like, oh, I had some extra eggplants. You pervert. You know how you like eating free grapes in the supermarket? Well, that’s how she is with – Eggplants? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Get down on it. I was given an opportunity this weekend, and it was – all I can say is this opportunity was a total Miles title opportunity that I took full advantage of.
You know, you sent me some vague pictures. I go, that son of a bitch. That son of a bitch got some nice freebie somewhere, and he’s going to rub it in my face. I think it was… Personally, it’s one of the nicer freebies that I’ve ever gotten. So I get… Because of the field that I am in, sometimes I am offered free tickets to things and free this and free that. And I just… I usually say no. I say no thanks. That’s okay. But this time I was offered something and it intrigued me. And so I’m like, well, wait a minute. The musical Stomp. That’s right. I got free tickets to Stomp. Yeah, right? It was Sesame Street Live, and I dressed up as Elmo. I cosplayed Elmo. Tickle me. That’s right. Tickle me, children.
No, no, no. So they offered up tickets to go to the racetrack here in St. Louis, right? There’s a big racetrack here in St. Louis. There is? Yeah. I think it does NASCAR and IndyCar racing, right? So this is not like the low-end mini sprint midget things or whatever they used to do. This is like real racing. Is it right in the city, though, or is it like out in the suburbs somewhere? Well, I was almost going to be flippant and say it’s just like the bears out in the middle of nowhere. Oh, you son of a bear. Yes, it’s on the east side in the middle of nowhere. But I’ve always been curious. Not that I’m a racing person. I’m definitely not. This is definitely not one of the things that I would –
pay money for, but I’m certainly going to take full advantage because number one, they not only offered me tickets, they offered me the box suite tickets where you go in the air conditioning and have free drinks and food. You’re a freaking jerk. And free VIP parking. Oh, you don’t deserve this. You don’t even deserve it. I asked my friend, Hefe, I said, Hefe, do you want to go to the races with me? Not Dr. J, right? No, no, Dr. J. No, Dr. J. This is my friend, Hefe. I’ve known him most of my life. And I said, I go, I got these box seats to the – these box tickets to the races. And I go, I’m probably going to have to talk to somebody, but –
I mean, if this is the time you want to go see the races, this would be the time, right? And Jefe goes, I’ve never been. I’ll take you up on your freebie, my friend, right? Yeah, you know who also hasn’t been? Me. Yeah, me. Well, live a little closer, maybe. Jefe just lived real close. Yeah, I know. I’d get screwed again. Thanks. Yeah. Wait a minute. Should I go into the fact that Saturday I was going to meet you somewhere and you ditched me? For all those years, you bitched about me screwing you out of those Star Trek movie tickets. That’s true. The first remake of Star Trek, yes. Go ahead. I’m sorry. Go ahead. So you and Faye get up this beautiful freebie. Well, you wouldn’t meet me in the middle of nowhere…
play pinball or something. So I figured there’s no way he’s going to come down here all the way down here to go to the race thing. Yeah, that’s true. So I’m like, all right, Jefe, come over and then we’ll run down to the racetrack. And so we did. So he’s like, yeah, I’ll be your date. And I’m like, what? After all these years, the truth comes out? Yeah. By the way, we used to be roommates for a while. You are very woman-like. Girl. So me and Jefe buzz down to the racetrack. Of course, I have no idea what I’m doing, which is the norm. And I just keep holding up my VIP parking pass to all of the orange-vested idiots that are along the route. And they’re waving me forward, right? Yeah. Yeah.
and i’m like, are we going the right way? because I mean, there’s just, it’s just, the races are total fucking chaos. It is total chaos with very minute, uh, times where everything seems to just snap together and work. You know what i mean? There’s people just going in every direction. There’s children running around in their underwear and dogs barking and jumping and And there’s like 100 people in safety vests that just seem to be standing in random places. They’re all my cousins. Yeah, they all look like they all asked me if I was related. Yeah. So we go and I’m like holding up my I printed everything out because I’m totally anal and don’t want to try to use the phone to have them scan it and everything. So I’ve got my, my, not only my VIP, I got my gold VIP parking pass is what it said. Yeah. So I’m holding it up and they’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whatever idiot. Just keep going. Right. And then we, we get into the, we’re right next to the racetrack, you know, and we pull into where they tell me to pull into and,
I’m like, wow, we’re really… I mean, right there’s the racetrack, right? Right. And then they have me drive and drive and drive and drive and drive. And the VIP parking is about a 15-minute fucking walk. Oh, not here. Not here. Keep going. No, no. Keep going. Keep waving me. I’m like, this is not fucking VIP. You’re out in the county. Keep going. And Jefe is like, there better be some fucking drinks. That’s all I’m telling you. I didn’t bring any money. He said it was all inclusive. So we park way the fuck down this lane. I don’t even know. It’s like there’s corn. I don’t know what’s going on. So we have to walk all the way back to get to the line. And you get searched.
at the racetrack nowadays, which, you know, I haven’t been to the races ever, but I was thinking it would be a lot more lax because, you know, where we live, where I live here and where you live mostly in the Midwest, people just have guns. They just carry them around. You know what I mean? This is not unusual. Yeah. To have people with a gun on their hip or, you know, in their car or in the back of their truck or, I mean, my father-in-law for one was always had like four or five guns within arm’s reach. And he shot himself accidentally. Yeah, he shot himself once, but that’s beside the point. Accidentally. It was accidentally, yes. And so they were a little bit more security-minded than I figured, but they didn’t have you walk through the gate. They just had guys with wands. It was like a porno or something. They just wanded you, suggestively. Yeah.
Where were they sticking the wands at? Come up between your legs, you know, stand, spread your legs and put your arms out. And they just like rub it all around you. It was, I’m like, these are, I think these are all volunteers from the defender area. But anyway, I had to have all my, take everything out of your pockets, folks, and stick your arms out. And then they, whoo. you know, and of course they had the bag checkers, which thankfully we did not bring bags because we traveled light. You know, we were like yeah it’s all inclusive, right? We got everything. So we didn’t bring nothing with us. People had like got jugs, these giant jugs of water and stuff. Jugs of water you do they’re like pulling pulling coolers behind them. It’s like
I’m like, are we like on a jungle expedition? What the fuck is going on here? B-Y-O-W. Tents and, you know. Anyway, porta potties are dragging behind. Anyway, the Confederate flags. Yeah. So we go through the line and we get split up because, you know, we’re guys and we just kind of wander off. And we come out on the other side and I got a dot on my hand. He didn’t get a dot. He goes, well, what the hell? Am I supposed to have a dot? I’m like, I have no idea. I go, the guy just gave me a dot. He’s like, what the fuck, man? Yeah. So he’s thinking, I’m not going to get into the VIP lounge now because he didn’t get a dot or something. And so then we had to go ask everybody where we’re going because we have no idea. And of course, where they parked us at is the, you know, hell it’s, you know, the knobs end.
to where we’re supposed to be, but we have to truck it all the way down the length of the racetrack to get to the, uh, VIP suites. Right. They’re like, Oh no, you want to be all the way down there. And, uh, in turn one, by the way, that’s where we were. You’re in four. You need to be a turn one. I didn’t have a side-by-side waiting for you guys to be in VIPs and all this. One would think, right. Yeah. Well, unfortunately, they did, but we weren’t aware of that until we got down to the VIP section. We could have jumped on any one of these six-person golf cart things they had running around, but we didn’t know that because we hadn’t got down and got our little bracelets. We got bedazzled, so we finally get down to the suites, and
You know, they’re like, hey, stick your hand. Let’s see your ticket. Right. Scan your tickets and then arm out. And then they put two different little things on our wrists and clamped them on. Like we’re going to the, you know, county fair or something. You know, you can ride any of the yellow rides, you know. So then we’re in front of this big building. It’s like a four story building. This is the suites. Oh, wow. And I’m like, well, where’s we’re in four 18. Oh yeah. You’re all the way at the top over on that end. So I’m like, it’s hot as hell. Let’s go and see if we can get something to drink. You didn’t bring your jug. No, I didn’t bring a jug. And so we make our way up to the fourth floor and into four 18 and there’s nobody in there. It’s just us. Yeah.
And there’s like a small spread, right? Like there’s a veggie tray and like a charcuterie. A schmear. A schmear, yeah. And some cookies and some chips and the whole thing. I’m like, wow, look at all this. And nobody in there. And then there’s a cooler full of Bud Light, Michelob Ultra stuff. Some kind of margarita drink in a can. Some kind of other wine cooler-y thing. I don’t know what it was. Some water and some other stuff. Appletinis. So Hefe hits the fridge pretty hard right out of the gate. He’s got like two McAltras and a plate of food at this point. And I’m looking around still trying to figure out what’s going on. And he’s like, look, they got chips. Anyway, so we sit down, and they had several races yesterday. And so we sit down and start watching the race. And then two of the other guys show up, and they look around, you know, and they get something to drink or whatever. And they’re like, hey, we’re going to go down to the pits. I’m like, what do you mean? He goes, yeah, we got pit passes.
that’s what the yellow thing means on your two bandanas. Oh, shit. I’m like, really? He’s like, yeah, we’re going down to the pits. And I go, well, we were like hot and sweaty we’re like we’re gonna wait a few minutes, then we’re gonna head down there so so then we, you know, eat some stuff and drink some stuff. And jefe’s got about, you know, three or four beers in at this point. And So we decide we’re going to go down to the pits. Yeah. Right. We walked back downstairs and they have like a stand with a gaggle of, of, uh, I mean, if this gig were to pay better, this was a gig for you. They sit with an umbrella and then just tell people where to go. That’s our whole job. So we come down and the guy’s like, he’s like, well, I go, I told we, I’m told we can go to the pits. And he goes, yeah, you guys got pit passes. He goes, yeah,
He goes, it’s all the way down by turn four. Oh, Jesus. But he goes, well, wait, if you just want to stand here, the golf carts are coming by. And so this is the golf cart we missed at the beginning, right? Yeah, yeah. And so this dude comes flying up on this golf cart. Everything’s rocks. That’s the other thing that was weird. It’s like there’s no pavement, Harley. There’s fucking rocks everywhere. Really? I wore sandals, and I’m getting rocks across my sandals. i’m getting rocks in my car. So we hop in this golf cart and the dude’s like, where you guys going we want to go down to the pits. He’s like, hang on. I’m for timer. That’s right. He just takes off like a fucking shot. Jeff Gordon. Yeah. And we’re going behind all of the vendors that we walk through, like all of the, you know, fried snicker bars and all that kind of stuff oh yeah me you know
You know, going all over all the cables. And so then he takes us down and he dumps us off right… We go under the racetrack, by the way. That’s what you have to do. I didn’t know that either. I’m like, how are we going to get to the pits? Because there’s a fucking race going on. Anyway, we go under the racetrack. That’s the hard part. Got to be quick. Pepe, come on. So we go under the racetrack. And he drops us off right there at the end of the pits. I mean, it’s like all fucking there. Wow. And you can walk. So you’re in the middle of the racetrack at this point. And there’s all these semis and people wearing coordinated uniforms and things. And it’s like, there’s AJ Foyt’s car.
He’s got a racing team. He’s dead, but he’s got a racing team still called. No, he’s still alive. Look at him. There’s Mario Andretti has got cars. These are all indie race cars. Yeah, right. They’re working on them and you can walk up. They have little, you know, those little seatbelt looking vinyl things that you can’t get past. But there’s all these people taking pictures and. I mean, it’s a fucking scene and a half, right? More importantly, we’re like hot chicks down there, more importantly. They were pretty much everywhere, yes. I mean, you take the good, you take the bad, my friend. There was a lot of really, really sweaty women that looked like you. Ooh, sexy. And then there was a lot of women who obviously were looking for a race car driver. So there’s a lot of Blairs and a lot of Natalies. Is that what you’re saying? A lot of Tooties and Natalies. I’m assuming a lot of Joes, but they were wearing baseball caps, so I didn’t know if they were what they were. Okay.
But it was wild because you just walk right up. These guys are working on these cars. Because there’s three races, there’s multiple things going on. So the guys who were working on their cars were for the later race. And then the other ones were racing. And it was crazy. And then they’re pulling cars, the extra car out of the trailer to come over to get work done. It was just like, I’m surprised that people didn’t get hurt really bad because these things were running backwards. And you were walking in the middle of all of it. It was just crazy. You know, it’s just, uh, and hot, uh, rocking a piss right in the middle of it. I’ll get to that. So, so we, we do a tool tour of the pit area. We see the dudes that we saw upstairs, uh,
And they were like little fanboys. They were from Mexico. So they’re like, we were waiting for the Mexican driver, and we were standing outside his trailer, but he never came out. Oh, wow. And I’m like, well, maybe you guys just need to hang out longer. I don’t know. So we go around, and we see everything there, and then we have to make our way back. And we finally get the hang of this VIP thing, because when we walk back out, there’s this lady with a golf cart, right? And she’s like, she’s, she sees our little wrist bandanas and she’s like, Hey guys, come on. And so we hop on and she takes us back down to the, uh, VIP section. Sure. And then, you know, we watched the rest of the race and, and so forth. The first race that we were, there were several races. We were there at the second race and there’s going to be another race, right? The big race. And, uh,
And then he’s like, oh, I’m going to have one of these margarita things. And I’m like, all right, you’re going to be okay. You got to drive home from mine. And so he’s like, this is pretty good. He’s like, he holds a can of 12.5% by volume. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah, really alcoholic. And so then I took a picture with a winner who happened to be named Miles with a Y. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah. So anyway, then they, we pillar and then they’re like, Hey, you guys go up on the roof yet. That’s what I said. I’m like, there’s more. And the building we were in, we were on the fourth floor. You could go all the way to the roof, which is the fifth floor. And they have a whole like big patio area up there. You take your drinks and,
And you go and watch the race from four stories up. No kidding. Yeah. It was by that time it was fairly nice. So we went up there and they had this whole big thing with every, I don’t know around here. How, I mean, if you wanted to commit a murder last night would have been a good time to do it. Yeah. Because there was like 50 fricking cop cars did a lap. Yeah. At this race from everywhere. My grandma’s dying. Where are the cops at? Where are they? No kidding. I’m serious. There was at least 50 or more cop cars. It was some salute to police officers or something. It’s like every cop within 100 miles came down here for a free day at the races and was doing a lap in their car. And then they all turned on their sirens and everything. It was a whole spectacle, right? And there was 12 motorcycle cops to boot. Yeah. Chips, you know.
So anyway, I’m almost done. I’m sorry. So we sit down for the big race, and the big race is called the Bomberito 500. Bomberito is a big car dealership down here in St. Louis. And so on the TV, because we’re sitting in air-conditioned comfort while the masses are sitting out there sweating their nuts off in the stands, because it was like 80-some degrees last night. And so John Vomarito’s on the TV. Welcome, everybody, to race day. You know? Biggest life. And I’m like, oh, look at that. And then, you know, let’s start the races. And then they start the races. And they get the cars going. And then I think it was the second lap or the third lap before they, you know, flew the green flag to get everybody racing. We’re sitting…
on the opposite side of the track from where all the people are, there must’ve been, I don’t know, 15 fucking fire bombs went off up into the air. It’s called the wall of fire. I found out this wall of fire happens and the shock wave pushed the building. We were in backwards. Oh shit. You could, the windows rattled. You could feel it on your chest. I felt the whole building go. Yeah. I was like, Holy fuck. What the hell? This thing’s going to collapse. We’re on the fourth floor. So all that happened. Meanwhile, Hefe is throwing back a few more. He stopped on the margarita stuff, but he picked back up on the ultra Michelob ultra. Yeah. It gets to be time. We’re like, okay, time to go. We’re heading out and we are heading out to go back to walk into the car. We get down there. Of course, everybody’s on the go-karts, right on the golf carts. He’s like, let’s just hoof it, man. I’m tired of waiting on these golf carts. We’re going to bolt to go just start walking. What does he do? He just about
Up ends John Bomarito, who is walking towards us. Oh, Jesus Christ. he steps out of line and john bomarito is walking up towards the air-conditioned area with his family, I guess. And he just about clocks him right out. Oh, Jesus Christ. i go f a that was john boberino he’s like, who’s that? He’s the guy who paid for this race. It’s vinnie boberino He’s like, I didn’t see him yeah no yeah it was him. It was, because i saw him on the big though i knew who it was. I recognized him and i’m like oh jesus going to be like some kind of incident here and i’m never going to get anything free again because my friend knocks out the uh sponsor of this multi-million dollar race i’d like to see you guys go to jail well there was 50 freaking cops there yeah i know no problem they would have beat the crap out of you the terrible thing is there was cops from where we both live were there so they could have even got us you know from our own areas so yeah right for real
So then we have to trump, you know, the 15 plus minutes to get back to the car. And then we’ve lost the car because this isn’t like Disneyland. They don’t really have any markers. Yeah. And it’s pitch black. And they’ve, all they have is like these, you know, spotlights from Hogan’s heroes. They’re blasting you in the face from the ground level to make some light in there. Yeah. It’s like, God damn it. And then we’re walking. I’m like, I don’t remember there being a pond here. by a pond so we’re wandering around in the dark trying to find this thing and of course jefe’s like oh god i gotta piss Yeah. And so I keep hitting my fob, right? Trying to make, I make my horn honk cause I’m locking my door. Right. And, um, finally we see it and he’s like, oh, I really gotta go. I really gotta go before we leave. I’m like, all right, man, we’re just in the middle of this parking lot. And so I thought he was going to pee next to my car. Cause he started like heading, like he was going to do that. Right.
And then he went down to this SUV, and he pisses all over the back of it. That’s John Bomarino’s car, man. He’s doing that where he’s standing there looking around like, has anybody seen me pissing? Yeah. Yeah, so he pissed out on some, I don’t know what it was. It was like some Mercury Mountaineer or something. Right on the car? Well, it seemed to be on the bumper, yes. Oh, gee. Christ, what the fuck? Towards the back tire. But I don’t know what he hit because I wasn’t paying that close attention. But I wasn’t staring the guy down while he was pissing on him out in the parking lot. And there’s people walking around. I mean… So anyway, we hopped in the car and that was the night, you know. So I’m tired. But we had a good time. I’m like, now I can never go back to the race, right? Because…
Not with this jackass, no. No, I mean, because I’ve had the VIP experience. I cannot go back down to being a regular husband. You can’t be a peasant, man. Yeah, well, they had sandwiches later, too. I forgot to mention that. But anyway, they had other food that came. But yeah, and Jefe, he pretty much drank my share of of any beverages that we had there. So how’d he get home though? I mean, wasn’t he too drunk to drive or apparently not. He made it. So I took him back, took him back home. I’m like, you’re going to be all right. Yeah. Yeah. How much Bob cares about people. Well, see you later. Yeah. And then he’s like, wait a minute. I got to pee in your yard. Anyway. No, he didn’t. I don’t know. I’m a rock and piss on you. Oh,
i said, I go like, I’m like, be careful. There’s all these deer around here. Yeah. So anyway, he was doing okay. He, he kind of stopped. He held back a little bit there toward the end of the night. So, and he ate, he ate a couple, three sandwiches, I think. But yeah, it was fun though. Um, in a weird way, not anything that i would really want to do mostly, but, uh, right. I mean, it was kind of like, you know, the state fair wrapped in a, you know. Yeah. But, well, I didn’t realize that you would be so interested, to be honest. I could have asked you. Oh, I wouldn’t. Yeah. But, you know, if I get offered again, maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see. You get a football game, I’ll go or something like sporting. We don’t have football anymore. They left, you know, so.
Well, if you have a sporting thing or something, I’d go see a blues game or something. There’s no way they’re going to give me blues tickets. Nobody like me gets any kind of good blues tickets as giveaways. I’ll tell you right now. Really? No, no. You really got to be… I mean, blues tickets in the freebie world down here are pretty high. You got to be pretty important. Okay. I’ve sat… When the Rams were here… I never really got free stuff. My wife used to get free stuff. We got in a box at the Rams game once. That was fun. I could never go back. We got in the box for Riverport, called Riverport at the time, for Blues Traveler concert. I could never go back there. Too good. Yeah. She got to go to the Blues game, but no spouses there.
Oh. Yeah. One time. And then I’ve gotten Cardinal tickets, you know, but whatever. Who wants to do that? If you get like a Cubs Cardinal one, I’d go. Again. See, they’re shooting for the moon here, my friend. There’s no way they’re giving away… I just don’t want some bullshit thing, you know, like the Home and Garden show or something. I don’t want that. That’s my speed. That’s what they’ll give me. Home and Garden. I’ll get, you know, women’s professionals. They’ll give me one of those. My sister used to win shit like this all the time on the radio. And she’s like, Miles, do you want to go to the Home and Garden? Like, fuck no. Why do I want to go to the Home and Garden show? You’re such a dick. I got only with the crop of freebies, please. You want to see Lipizzan Horses?
No. No, I get soccer tickets offered to me. I get arena football offered to me. Oh, do you get the Battle Hawks or whatever? Yeah, that’s the arena football team. Oh, I want to see the Battle Hawks. Well, if I get another one, I’ll ask you, okay? Come on, man. Don’t cheap out. I’ll ask you if I get tickets for that, I’ll ask you if you can go. I will go. I will go. I will go. But the thing about this one was I got parking too. That was the clincher for me. I’m like, I paid absolutely nothing to go to this thing last night. Well, good. You got a good buzz. You got to pee on a mountaineer. The world was perfect. Nice. So there you go. There you go. Myrv.
Miles, Mr. Freebie Battlehawk Bastard.
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