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What if the very traits that helped you survive your childhood, your career, and your trauma are now the same traits keeping you lonely, exhausted, or shut down?

In Episode 133, I sit down with Jimmy Portner and Dr. Nate Tomcik — founders of Radically Open Connections — for a powerful conversation about RO-DBT, the therapy model designed specifically for people who are too controlled. The perfectionists. The high achievers. The rule-followers. The leaders. The “I’m fine” responders. The people who hold it all together on the outside while quietly burning out on the inside.

Jimmy and Dr. Nate break down the real difference between standard DBT and RO-DBT, and why so many first responders and veterans fall into the over-controlled category. More importantly, they explain how RO-DBT helps people open up, reconnect, and rebuild the parts of themselves that got buried under duty, discipline, and decades of holding it all in.

We get into:

• Why emotional over-control leads to loneliness, depression, rigidity, and burnout
• How RO-DBT uses social signaling to shift the nervous system out of threat mode
• The “Big Three + One” — the small body-language cues that increase connection
• Why vulnerability, curiosity, and openness are learned skills, not personality traits
• How group work creates a sense of tribe and breaks lifelong patterns of isolation
• How this model is transforming mental health for first responders, military members, and high performers
• What “flexible control” looks like in real life — and why it feels so uncomfortable at first

Jimmy and Nate also share practical tools you can start using today, whether you’re a clinician, a responder, or someone trying to repair old relationship patterns.

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too serious,” “too rigid,” “too independent,” or “hard to read”… this episode will feel like turning on a light switch.

If you’ve ever struggled to let people in or admit you’re hurting… this episode is for you.

If you’re tired of surviving by shutting down… this episode might change the way you understand yourself forever.

DISCLAIMER:
After the Tones Drop has been presented and sponsored by Whole House Counseling. After the Tones Drop is for informational purposes only and does not constitute for medical or psychological advice. It is not a substitute for professional health care advice diagnosis or treatment. Please contact a local mental health professional in your area if you are in need of assistance. You can also visit our shows resources page for an abundance of helpful information.

ATTD Music Credits (Music from #Uppbeat):

• https://uppbeat.io/t/vens-adams/adventure-is-calling License code: ANJCYVHRMULSNKQR
• https://uppbeat.io/t/vens-adams/rise-of-the-hero License code: H4WTAGJZIXZCM8DM
• https://uppbeat.io/t/yeti-music/homewardLicense code: KO7FZAIJBAEAJLKE
• https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/the-heart-grows License code: KAID0ITO96GJZAPS
• https://uppbeat.io/t/philip-anderson/achievement License code: XZ4PMCKHW94GUR74
• https://uppbeat.io/t/tobias-voigt/nexus
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• https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/breakthrough
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